How He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (24 page)

All of the sudden, I realized that I was doing was wrong. I had a new “boyfriend” to consider.

I pulled back, and Nick looked into my eyes.

“Wow,” he breathed, echoing my sentiments. “Are you okay?” he asked, concern in his gorgeous eyes.

“Nick, I’m with Travis now,” I blurted out. I regretted saying it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

A look of pain, misery, and then rage flashed across his chiseled face.

He was silent for a moment. He slowly backed away from me, anger still playing across his features. “It was always him, wasn’t it?”

“Nick, you know that is just not true. You’re the one who broke what we had. I have to go. I need some time to think.” I turned and put my hand on the doorknob. I felt Nick’s hand on my arm.

“Please, don’t go. Let’s talk about this. Please.” He was begging me.

“What do you want to talk about?” I sighed without turning around. I felt angry at Nick’s reaction to the news that Travis and I were together. I was so torn, because all I wanted was to go to him, but I couldn’t.

“Can you please turn around?” he asked softly. I did. “How did this happen?” he asked. The anger on his face had turned to anxiety.

“Well, Nick, after you dropped me off and I spent the rest of Saturday bawling, I called my best friend to help me deal with the pain I was feeling after you broke my heart. I spilled my guts to Trav, and he was trying to make me feel better and we got drunk and he told me that he had been in love with me for years. I told him that I was not ready to jump into something after you shattered my heart into tiny pieces. Then I realized that maybe I should be with him. He loves me, and he wouldn’t hurt me for anything,” I ended bluntly, but I didn’t know how else to explain it. I left out the part that Travis and I had slept together.

Nick looked at me. He looked devastated. I couldn’t bear the sadness in his eyes. I wanted to take him in my arms and make everything better. But I knew that I couldn’t. I couldn’t hurt Travis that way, although it took everything in me to resist.

Nick was still looking at me, as if he really didn’t know what to say. I put my hand back on the doorknob.

“I’m so sorry, Julianne,” he murmured. I glanced up at him, only for a second, before I left.

I walked to my desk and reflected on the past few minutes. The last image of Nick, tears in his eyes, stuck in my mind. He had always been so strong, but this whole nightmare had broken him as much as it had broken me.

I love you
. His words echoed over and over in my mind.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
The past few minutes felt like a blur, like they were a dream. I couldn’t believe what he had just told me. I couldn’t believe that he was willing to give up his career for me. He loved this job; he loved the people and the clients and the location and the money and everything about it. I remembered when he told me that he felt like this was the last job he would ever have, because he was happy enough that he would want to stay at it forever.

I felt awful. I couldn’t talk to Travis about this, but he was my best friend – the one who I confided everything to. I felt like I had no one, while it seemed in other ways that I had everyone.

I decided to jump into my work that day. The hours dragged on forever. When I got home, I called the one person in the whole world besides Travis who would listen and not judge me – my sister, Jamie.

Her husband, Brandon, answered the phone. “Hey, Brandon, it’s Julianne. Is Jamie there?” I asked.

“Hey Jules, yeah, hang on,” he said, and then he called my sister.

“Hi Jules.
What’s up?” she answered.

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Like a freaking submarine. Get this kid out of me,” she said.

“Any day now.”

“Yep. What’s going on?”

“Do you have a few minutes?” I asked.

“Always for you,” she answered.

That’s when I began the whole sordid story. It was really the first time that I had gone through the whole thing out loud, so by the time I was done telling her what was going on, I was in tears. Jamie was listening attentively.

“Jules, it’s okay,” she comforted me when I had finished speaking. “I know you’re confused right now. But let me ask you one thing. And you have to be honest.”

“Go ahead,” I said.

“Well, who makes your heart flutter? Who has the spark that starts the fireworks when you kiss him?” she asked.

One person popped immediately into my head. I sat in silence.

“Well?” she prodded. “I know that you are thinking of one of them now, even if you don’t want to admit it. Just remember that whoever is in your head right now is in your heart as well. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have thought of him first.” Jamie was so sensible sometimes. She always had a simple answer.

“So, what am I supposed to do?” I asked.

“Well, if you tell me who you are thinking about, maybe I can help you,” she answered. “I wish I wasn’t bigger than a whale, or I would come there and help you sort through all of this.”

“Jamie, I know who it is.” Just then, my call waiting beeped through.

“Hang on, I’ve got another call.”

It was Travis. My heart stopped. “Uh…can I call you back? I’m on the line with Jamie,” I nervously asked.

“Sure, babe,” was his answer. I clicked back to Jamie.

“That was Trav,” I explained.

“So it is it him? Or not, since you came back to me and didn’t stay on with him?”

“Jamie, I just don’t want to hurt him.”

“Hurt who?”

“Travis.”

“Jules, you need to focus on yourself. Maybe it’s okay to be selfish, because you’re giving into the most basic human need to be loved.”

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. “Thanks, Jamie. You’ve really helped me clarify things.”

“That’s what big sisters are for. Glad I could help.”

“I gotta run, but I will let you know how this all pans out.”

“You better. God, your life is like a soap opera while I’m over here all fat and old and married.”

“You’re beautiful and you know it. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

“Take care of that bun in the oven and give Brady a big kiss for me.”

“Will do.”

I ended the call and pulled up the familiar contact. I clicked the call button, and then I heard a sexy, “Hello.”

“I need to talk to you,” I said.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

A short while later, my bell rang. I buzzed him up and waited patiently by my door. He knocked and I opened it.

Standing in front of me was Nick, looking sexier than ever. I felt a tightening sensation low in my belly as my body immediately responded to his proximity. He had on charcoal gray pants and a light gray shirt that I wanted to rip off of him. His collar was open at the neck and he had taken off his tie, but his clothes told me he had come from work. I could see his hard chest muscles through his shirt. He smelled like heaven and looked like a god. My palms were definitely sweating, and I was already feeling moisture in other, lower places.

He stood there, waiting for my cue. I grabbed his shirt by the chest and felt electricity as my hand brushed against his hard chest. I pulled him in and shut the door behind him. I didn’t let go of his shirt, but I brought him within an inch of my face. The heat radiating off of us could have started a fire.

“Tell me again,” I said.

“Tell you what?” he looked confused.

“Tell me again what you told me in your office today,” I searched his eyes as his dizzying scent washed over me. I felt drunk even though I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol.

Before he began, he kissed my lips just once and wrapped his arms around my waist. “I turned in my letter of resignation today because Davidson found out about us. He told me it was you or my job. I chose you because I love my job, but I am in love with you. And then you left me and it broke my heart all over again. So you better not be fucking with me right now.”

“Say the words again,” I ordered.

Light dawned in his hazel eyes as he realized what words I needed from him. “I love you. Julianne, I love you so much.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked into his eyes. All I found there was love. His hold on me tightened. I brought my lips to his in a kiss that turned white hot in seconds. In the back of my mind lurked Travis, who had no idea that I was about to break his heart.

I broke from his lips and he gazed down at me. “I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered hoarsely.

“I missed you, too.”

“I ached for you.”

“I have never felt the twisted kind of pain that I have been dealing with for the past four days,” I said.

“God, I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t care if I have to spend the rest of my life apologizing. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you.”

“You’re back where you’re supposed to be. That’s all that matters.”

He smiled hopefully, looking adorable in front of me. I couldn’t believe that this had actually happened. We were back where we belonged. “Can I spend the night?”

I grinned. “I don’t think you have a choice.”

His lips found mine again, and I felt his familiar warm tongue against mine, but it was different now. I felt the love and the lust and the desperation and everything I felt before, but there was a new level of reverence from him. I felt worshipped and cherished just from his kiss. I could almost physically feel the pain he went through over the past four days, and it matched my own pain. Everything inside of me tingled with electricity when I was with him. His hands found the hem of my shirt and then quickly undid the button on my pants as I ripped at his shirt and his pants, clothes flying off in every direction. We clawed at each other like animals. I was desperate to have him back inside of me, back where he – and only he – belonged. He stripped me of the rest of my clothes, his lips never leaving mine, his tongue tasting mine with wild abandon. He parted from me only for a second to finish removing his own clothes, and then his mouth crashed to mine once again. He hauled me up in his arms and I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he carried me to the bedroom wrapped around him. He gently laid me on the bed, his lips finding my neck and moving down, biting softly at the swell of my breasts. The perfect feel of him against me again after our breakup was utter bliss. I had felt the pain of missing him more than I thought it was possible to miss one person, but now that we were back together, I truly realized the miserable hell that I had endured when we were apart.

It was in that moment that I realized how deeply, irrevocably, unapologetically in love I was with Nick.

He found his way to my entrance. I felt the tip of him against my wet flesh, and just that second of contact was nearly enough to send me into oblivion. He pushed into me and I moaned as I heard a low grumble from Nick. This was absolutely right. My world turned back the right way after being upside-down for a few days. We both grunted as he pushed in and pulled out, our natural rhythm together and our time apart bringing us both close to the edge quickly. I felt so much emotion and passion coming from Nick as he made love to me, like he was trying to pour every ounce of love for me into our bodily connection. Everything inside me quaked for him, and we both came quickly and loudly. He yelled out my name as I groaned in release.

I threw my arms around
him, sated and emotionally spent. I felt tears slipping from my eyes as he lingered inside of me.

He hugged me hard against him, our bodies still linked. I involuntarily sniffled and he hugged me tighter.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he murmured, pulling out of me. I was quiet, unable to speak because I was choked up with love for this man.

My tears fell harder now, and he
held me close as we lay entwined on the bed. He sat up and cradled me in his arms, kissing away my tears.

“Talk to me,” he whispered, concern evident in his eyes.

I took a shaky breath. “I… I just l-love you s-s-so much,” I managed through my tears.

He held me tighter, kissing my forehead. “God, I was a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry. I love you, baby. I love you so much. I need you. I’m so sorry,” he said.

He held me and kissed away my tears until I stopped crying, and then we walked back to my entryway and put our clothes back on, smiling at the haphazard random piles of clothing scattered throughout the entry of my apartment.

“Are you okay?” he asked, pulling me back into his embrace after we were both dressed.

“Yeah. I’ve actually never been more okay than this very second,” I said.

“What about Travis?” he asked cautiously.

“I need to tell him tonight. You probably shouldn’t be here when I do.”

“Probably not.”

“Give me at least an hour. I’ll call or text when we’re done.”

“What are you going to tell him?” he asked.

“I don’t know yet,” I answered. “Go. I’ll miss you,” I said, as he kissed me again and then left.

My heart pounded as I picked up the phone and called Travis. There was a knock at my door a predictable ten minutes later. I let him in. He had a bag in his hand, which he set down on my table and led me over to my couch.