How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight (3 page)

Demons are different. The vast majority of demons are far from dead, and many, having ascended several millennia ago, have no physical body to worry about. They can take physical form when they want to, but it's not a body as we know it. It's more like clothes they conjure up, put on, and throw away when they've finished. Consequently there are no concerns about what happens to a demon's body while it's living inside you, as there IS no body.

1. Small is Beautiful

Many experts believe that a small child makes the ideal spirit for the beginner. They're smaller, they're less set in their ways, they're less strong, and they'll be easier to exorcise once you've reached your target weight.

But a small child can also be playful and unpredictable, not to mention prone to tantrums if they don't get their own way. And they eat less. This means it'll take longer for you to reach that all-important target weight.

There's also the very real prospect of POLTERGEIST activity which the spirits of children are especially prone to.

What's poltergeist activity? Well, it ranges from unusual noises — knocking sounds, groans and creaks — to objects flying off walls or floating around the room. Most people find it disconcerting, and it can severely limit your social life.

At Crapper Clinics we screen all our spirit applicants to make sure only the most suitable spirits appear on our lists.

Other establishments are not so picky.

2. Old is... um

Some experts swear by the older spirit. They've seen more, experienced more, and are more laid back. They make the ideal head-guest and are easy to exorcise.

But they can also be picky eaters, which isn't ideal when you're trying to lose weight. You want someone who's going to gobble down your calories, not pick and choose which bits of your dinner they're going to try today.

They can also have ‘senior moments' at inconvenient times — you might find yourself floating into a room and then staying there for an hour not sure why. And if you're the host of an older male spirit with prostate problems, you might find your sleep interrupted by frequent astral projections to the bathroom.

3. Share Your Life with the Dead Celeb of Your Choice

It's expensive but it's worth it. Imagine having JOHN LENNON in your head. Or ELVIS, or MARILYN MONROE, or a REALLY FAMOUS dead king like the one killed in the car park. They'd be ALL YOURS for a week OR MORE! You could find out what they were really like, and get the low down on all their FAMOUS friends.

And lose weight AT THE SAME TIME!

Crapper Clinics employ some of the best-connected mediums in the business. Some have celebrity AGENTS and GOSSIP COLUMNISTS as their spirit guides. No one else has such a stellar list on their books.

So, if you want to discuss togas with Julius Caesar or discuss marriage with Henry VIII, look no further.

4. Animals Are Not Always Man's Best Friend

Many people love the idea of sharing their head with an animal — a much-loved former pet, a lion, an eagle, a dolphin. It's different. It's an adventure. It's exciting.

But there's often a downside. Many clients have spoken of an overpowering desire to chase cars, or climb trees, or lock on to the leg of a passing stranger. It can be very disconcerting. Especially for the stranger.

At Crapper Clinics we talk through the pros and cons of each choice and the importance of establishing boundaries. Live animals are unpredictable, dead ones are even more so.

And dinosaurs are particularly troublesome. A Brontosaurus may look placid, but they're very set in their ways. If you don't like the idea of spending a week waist-deep in a river, nibbling on overhanging leaves, then we suggest you try something smaller.

That said, if you take the proper precautions, having an animal inside your head can be a liberating and life-changing experience. And you can have hours of fun with a ball of wool.

5. Demons Are a Girl's Best Friend

If you want to lose weight FAST, and you don't have many friends, this is the way to do it. You can lose TWENTY pounds in a day. One woman lost over ONE HUNDRED!

But there's a cost. Demons are more expensive, more risky, and harder to exorcise.

And you might turn green.

With scales...

And grow a couple of extra limbs...

On your head.

6. Crapper's Demon Dating Service

With so much choice, many people feel overwhelmed. There are tens of thousands of spirits and demons out there. How can you narrow it down?

Crapper Clinics has the solution. We call it the Demon Dating Service, and it's FREE to every one of our clients.

Yes, at Crapper Clinics we go that extra mile. We don't hook you up to just ANY spirit or demon. We understand the very personal nature of possession, and the importance of finding someone, or something, compatible. You're going to spend days, potentially weeks, with this being inside you. Best to find someone you can get along with.

We also understand the desire for FUN and ADVENTURE. Want to hook up with a dead rock star? An ancestor? A favorite pet? A DINOSAUR!

Or maybe your tastes range towards the EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL or even EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL? We can help you hook up with ALIENS and DEMONS! Or even DEAD alien demons!

Just imagine the fun you could have with your new, ultra-powerful BFF!

All you have to do is fill in a simple questionnaire (like the one at the back of the book
here
) and our GIANT computer will sift through our HUGE database of over FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND eligible spirits and demons to select your perfect partner. Who knows where it might lead! You might drop five dress sizes and be whisked away to a hunky dimension where the roads are paved with CHOCOLATE!

Astral Exercising

Exercising your demon helps YOU lose weight. Isn't that COOL? We've known for like FOREVER that exercise helps you lose weight but, up until now, everyone thought that meant YOU had to do the exercise. But, with possession, you can take a back seat and let your demon do the work — ASTRALLY. And, as the demon exercises, it burns up more of YOUR calories.

But what does ‘astrally' mean?

Well, you've heard of astral projection, right? That's where a person uses their mind to project their soul outside of their body. Some call it out-of-body flight or ‘remote viewing.' Well, spirits do it all the time. They like to go for long runs at night, and hunt and chase stuff. Which has the DOUBLE advantage of using up YOUR calories while, at the SAME time, NOT straining your body! You can slim while you sleep, and wake up with no muscle aches or annoying mangled bunny remains strewn over the bed sheets!

It's the very definition of win-win.

Astral Jogging, Astral Fight Clubs, Astral Hunts, Astral Zumba, Astral Orgies, Astral Synchronized Swimming — the ways a spirit can lose weight for you are legion.

And most of them are legal.

Head Spinning

For those who prefer a more active role in exercise, but have become bored with the tired old exercise regimes, possession offers new and exciting alternatives.

Ever wanted to try your hand at head spinning? I bet you have. How many people came away from watching
The Exorcist
wishing they could make their head rotate through 360°?

Well, now you can. And what better way to stretch those neck muscles! Fitness guru Richard Little calls it ‘the ultimate fast burn neck exercise inferno.' And what a way to break the ice at parties! No more embarrassing long silences over the dinner table — one long, slow rotate and you'll have everyone's attention.

After a day or two you'll soon be able to build up the speed and increase those rotations to five, ten, even one hundred and more spins ... in seconds.

Your neck will never have felt healthier. Unless you suffer from VERTIGO or spinning-sensitive EPILEPSY, in which case you are advised not to try this exercise. Also not advised on a full stomach as this could trigger PROJECTILE VOMITING OF THE SPINNING KIND.

Muscle Spasms

Electrical Muscle Stimulation (EMS) has been around for years. That's where pulses of electricity are used to contract muscles, building up strength and improving muscle tone. Some diet gurus suggested that EMS also burned calories, but clinical research showed this to be marginal at best. To quote Professor Phil, the leading bio-nutritioneer on the planet,
‘To burn a significant number of calories you'd need to involve EVERY muscle group and WAY increase the amplitude of the contractions.'

Sound familiar? Our scienteers at the Crapper Clinic Research Center thought so. Intense muscle spasms are a common side feature of possession. (At CCRC we don't talk about ‘side effects.' One man's side effect is another man's humongous opportunity — and we're with that other man, which is why we use the term ‘side feature.')

We've since researched the HECK out of this side feature and — you know what? — it DOES burn calories. A shedload of them. And as for involving every part of the human body, it even exercises your TEETH!

But isn't it painful? It sure looks painful.

No, it's not because, like a TEMS machine, the spasms BLOCK the pain signals from reaching the brain. You get a full body work out, toned muscles AND no pain. Sometimes you even get levitation thrown in for free as well!

The slimming properties of cursing were first observed during studies on Tourette's Syndrome.

Professor Raylene's ground breaking study found that subjects with Tourrette's Syndrome burned more calories than Lutherans. Over the next seven years she extended the study to include most religious groups, and made the startling discovery that Trappist monks were twice as likely to be obese as Lutherans. But POSSESSED Lutherans burned even more calories than subjects with Tourette's!

Further analysis showed that living under a vow of silence inhibited calorie burning, while ‘letting it all out' increased it.

Simply put, cursing increases heart rate, stimulates oxygen flow, and BURNS calories.

And when it comes to cursing, NO ONE does it better than an ancient spirit. They know curses we've never even heard of. They can shout louder, more often, and have the power to add REVERB and ECHO to your voice.

And all the time they're burning YOUR calories and helping YOU keep the pounds off.

Ideal for getting rid of those unwelcome visitors. Have your in-laws overstayed their welcome? Is someone cold calling you about solar panels, or standing on your doorstep with a religious pamphlet? Unleash your inner Ancient and give them two minutes of ripe Ancient Sumerian — with full reverb. It works every time.