How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight (6 page)
Read How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight Online
Authors: Chris Dolley
Tags: #possession, #humor, #diets, #exorcist, #paranormal, #diet, #health, #demons, #spoof, #ghosts
Thank you to my editors Jennifer Stevenson, Sherwood Smith and the thousands of happy customers who have lost weight through the Possession Diet.
And a special shout out to all those customers awaiting trial. Our thoughts are with you guys.
Brick Crapper is a
Colorectal Times
bestselling author and an expert on alternative diets. He has SEVEN doctorates from the Internet's leading universities and has appeared on countless television programs, often without his face blacked out.
He's the author of several groundbreaking diet books:
The Crapper Diet: You Can Never HaveToo Many Laxatives
Twenty Fun Things to Do with a Tape Worm
Leprosy: the Scientific Way to Remove those Last 20lbs
The Noro Diet: Making the Norovirus Your Friend
He's the winner of
The Pullitzer Porcelain Award
, the
Prix de Deux Maggots
, and
The Yippee Award for Best Diet Book Written by a Left-Handed Resident of South Dakota Aged Over Forty!
He's the founder, CEO, and Head Scienteer of Crapper Clinics, the fastest growing weight loss chain ON THE PLANET.
He was a judge on
America's Idlest Loser
.
He's also a family man, a devoted husband, and a friend to small furry animals everywhere.
He's Brick Crapper, M.D.
Ugly fat, and quite a few carrots, removed in minutes!
As used on cruise liners.
Almost never fatal!
Contains informative chapters such as âNow don't wash your hands' and âFive ways to get to the front of the bathroom line.'
“I've never lost so much weight!”
says Excited from Minneapolis.
“Usually I hit a wall after a month and give up, but with this diet I can't stop. It's also saved me a fortune on rent as I now live in the bathroom!”
Spring clean your gastrointestinal tract today with ...
The Noro Diet
â printed on recycled paper courtesy of
Charmin
.
In his spare time Brick publishes books under his
nom du clavier
, Chris Dolley.
  French Fried â $2.99â
NEW YORK TIMES
BESTSELLER â
Animals behaving badly, other people's misfortunes and the most bizarre true crime story ever. The international bestseller, French Fried, is the unfortunately true account of Chris Dolley's first eight months in France and has been described as âA Year in Provence with Miss Marple and Gerald Durrell.'
Just when Chris and Shelagh think nothing more could possibly go wrong, they discover that Chris's identity has been stolen and their life savings - all the money from their house sale in England that was going to finance their new life in France - had disappeared. A bank account had been opened in Chris's name in Spain to take the proceeds.ã
Then they're abandoned by the police forces of four countries who all insist the crime belongs in someone else's jurisdiction. The French say it's an Irish crime as that's where the money was held. The Irish say it's French as that's where all the correspondence came from. The British say it's nothing to do with them even though forged British passports were used to open the bank account in Spain. And the Spanish are on holiday - and can't even think about investigating any bank account for at least four weeks.
So Chris has to solve the crime himself. But unlike fictional detectives he has an 80 year-old mother-in-law and an excitable puppy who insist they come along if he's going anywhere interesting - like a stakeout.
“This was a fantastic read. It had me laughing so much that I nearly got relegated to the sofa! Once I had started reading this book, I could not put it down, I was even quite happy to miss my favourite TV programmes!”
- Bookmarked
“When I downloaded this book this morning, I had every intention of putting it on my phone and reading it in dribs and drabs. And now I appear to have finished the book! The best thing about âFrench Fried' is it's sense of humour; warm, self-deprecating, and very British. Literally laugh out loud in several places (I'm glad I'm the only one home!).”
- Librarything
“Chris Dolley's humour reminds me of James Herriot at times, with my husband shushing me in the middle of the night. I could not put this book down and enjoyed it immensely. The characters, especially Nan, were life-size.”
- Salammi
  An Unsafe Pair Of Hands â $3.99Peter Shand is the âsafe pair of hands' - a high-flying police administrator seconded to a quiet rural CID team to gain the operational experience he needs for promotion. On his second day he's thrust into a high-profile murder case. A woman's body is discovered in an old stone circle - with another woman buried alive beneath her.
The media is clamoring for answers, but everything about the case is baffling. Then a local journalist singles out Shand as the reason for the lack of progress, and goads him at a press conference. Shand responds by inventing a lead, and keeps on lying - to the press, his boss, his team - telling himself that he'll solve the case before anyone finds out.
And then another murder occurs. And had there been a third?
Shand begins to doubt his ability. He's desperate, increasingly unpredictable, pursued by an amorous psychic, and somehow gaining a reputation for arresting livestock.
Which will break first? The case, or Shand?
“This book started off with a bang and sped quickly down a steep hill with more twists than a twisty thing. I really enjoyed this book and could hardly put it down!”
- Diane Johnstone
“I gave up sleep so that I could read to the surprising and satisfying ending. I laughed out loud in public in response to the quirky plot twists. An Unsafe Pair of Hands by Chris Dolley is a masterful addition to the British mystery genre.”
- Barth Siemens
“This mystery is so much fun. The humor is delightful and the plot is complex enough to keep you turning pages to the end. And the characters are marvelous, from the snobby London “incomers” the Marchants to The Moleman and even a cock-a-doodle-dooing chicken, all of whom are suspect at one time or other. This is by far one of the best summer reads of 2011.”
- Jensview
  What Ho, Automaton! â $2.99Finalist for the
2012 WSFA Small Press Award for short fiction
and the first of the Reeves and Worcester Steampunk Mysteries.
Wodehouse Steampunk! Reggie Worcester and Reeves, his automaton valet, are consulting detectives in an alternative 1903 where an augmented Queen Victoria is still on the throne and automata are a common sight below stairs. Humour, Mystery, Aunts and Zeppelins!
“A fun blend of P.G. Wodehouse, steampunk and a touch of Sherlock Holmes. Dolley is a master at capturing and blending all these elements. More than fascinating, this work is also rip-roaring fun! But where Dolley really excels is in capturing the atmosphere and humor of the Bertie and Jeeves stories. Any Wodehouse fan will want to grab a copy of this work, but even if you have never explored that world, What Ho, Automaton! is a fun and fascinating read. Highly recommended, take a spin in this steampunk hybrid and enjoy the ride!”
â
SFRevu
“I found myself laughing out loud at Reggie and the fabulous Reeves as they romped their way through various adventures. A homage to Wodehouse without being sycophantic, this is fantastic.”
â
Sueo23
“I enjoyed every page of this book. A steampunk novel that combines classic British Humor, tongue-in-cheek references to Sherlock Holmes and a cast of great characters. I don't think I've actually laughed out loud this much while reading a book in a very long time.” â
ErisAerie
“Dolley has managed to capture Wodehouse's style, rhythm, and sense of humor almost perfectly ⦠it is just so much fun, and the author's exploration of this alternative England, full of robots and polite Frankenstineian constructs, adds an absurd depth not found in its inspiration.” â
Magus Manders
“Absolutely enjoyable book to read. The author creates this fantastical old England with a nut of a main character and a mechanical sidekick that leave you grinning after each page. It's the next best thing to Sherlock Holmes, and I hope there are sequels.” â
Ashschreck
“A rollicking good read! Not having read the original Wodehouse (although feeling a sudden desire to) but being a huge fan of the TV series I adored these stories - I could hear Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry in my head. True to character and quick of wit, I couldn't stop laughing.”
â
Larry Auld
  Reggiecide â $2.99This novella is the second of the Reeves and Worcester Steampunk Mysteries.
Guy Fawkes is back and this time it's a toss up who's going to be blown up first â Parliament or Reginald Worcester, gentleman consulting detective.
But Guy might not be the only regicide to have been dug up and reanimated. He might be a mere pawn in a plan of diabolical twistiness.
Only a detective with a rare brain â and Reggie's is amongst the rarest â could possibly solve this âfive-cocktail problem.' With the aid of Reeves, his automaton valet, Emmeline, his suffragette fiancée, and Farquharson, a reconstituted dog with Anglican issues, Reggie sets out to save both Queen Victoria and the Empire.
“I find that a good book is enjoyable by the end of the first chapter. This book was good by the end of the first SENTENCE -
âIt is a truth universally acknowledged that a chap in possession of a suffragette fiancee is in need of a pair of bolt cutters.'
As you can guess this story is a treasure trove of homages as well as just a jolly good romp. Treat yourself to this joyride.”
â
Media Junkie
“Funny, extremely well-written, short and sweet. All those words come to mind after reading this little masterpiece.”
â
zjordi
  Resonance â $2.99Graham Smith is a 33 year old office messenger. To the outside world he's an obsessive compulsive mute - weird but harmless. But to Graham Smith, it's the world that's weird. And far from harmless. He sees things other can'tâ¦or won't. He knows that roads can change course, people disappear, office blocks migrate across town - all at night when no one's looking.
Only by following a rigid routine can he lessen these effects. If he walks the same route to work every morning and catches the same train, and keeps himself to himself, then there's a good chance his house will still be where he left it when he returns home in the evening.
Annalise Mercado hears voices. Sometimes she thinks they're spirit guides, sometimes she thinks she's crazy. But then they start telling her about Graham Smith, the danger he's in and how only she can save him. So begins the story of two people whose lives appear fragmented across alternate realities. And how, together, they hold the key to the future of a billion planetsâ¦
“Resonance is a tremendously accomplished book ⦠and immediately raises Dolley into the ranks of writers to watch. It's a head-over-heels romp through ever-changing realities, crammed with great set-pieces, excellent hooks and some nice one-liners.”
â
Keith Brooke, Infinity Plus
“This is one of the most original new science fiction books I have ever read. In fact, as an inspired new take on a familiar SF idea it's original enough to stand comparison with “The Time Traveler's Wife” or “Memoirs of an Invisible Man.” If it is as big a hit as it deserves, it may well be this book which becomes the standard by which SF stories about ⦠are judged.”
â
Marshall Lord
“I have read a lot of science fiction and have gone through tons of plots, so when I find one that is unique I certainly take notice. Resonance is one of those books that have it all. Interesting plot with plenty of mysteries and twists, characters you care about, and solid writing that strings it all together.”
â
Jeffrey Miller
  Shift â $2.99A near future SF mystery thriller with a touch of out-of-body horror.
A serial killer with multiple personalities. An astronaut who returns from higher dimensional space a changed man. And two unlikely detectives who have to get inside the mind of a killer ⦠literally.
“Shift is an exciting and shocking futuristic thriller. The characters are original, and the imagery pulls you in. Incorporating heart-pounding suspense and an inventive twist of science fiction, I enjoyed this story even more than Dolley's Resonance.”
â
SciFiChick
  Magical Crimes â $0.99Magical Crimes is a fun CSI with magic and âa little something else' novelette. The little something else being two foot long and lurking in the hero's trousers. But don't worry, the boinkwurst in this story is used purely for the purpose God intended â humour and crimefighting â not lustful titillation.
“Fun main characters and a couple of twists. But above all it made me laugh, smile, smirk and chuckle time and again...the sleight of hand with language, the odd but pleasing combination of wit and silliness, and of course the quirky law enforcement setting, rather reminded me of Jasper Fforde.”
â
Tiggrie
“I have read a lot of strange things, but this idea tops the kooky list.”
â
Cheryl M-M
“I loved Seb Kemp, and laughed out loud many times over his trouser problem.”
â
Griffindor
“I was in the mood for a bit of silliness and this story was just the thing. The premise of a crime fighter with extra powers was clever and his 'difficulty' added a wonderful bit of slap-stick humour.”
-
P E
“I liked Seb, found the story humorous throughout and couldn't put it down!”
-
Cianta
“I found myself laughing real belly laughs at times and loved the ending too.”
-
Leicester Tiger
“This is a very enjoyable short story...At one point, I was laughing out loud. However, the story actually works well as a mystery story.”
â
AnneDon