Authors: D. Bryant Simmons
“I am I guess.”
“Whatcha looking for, honey?”
“Furniture.”
“That’s good. Because we got a lot of that. What kinda furniture? You don’t look like you into the latest and most fashionable.”
I smiled even though I was embarrassed pretty tough. I had a new dress that would’ve changed her mind but I’d only worn it a few times before I’d outgrown it.
Helen leaned into me, taking my arm to apologize. “I’m sorry, honey. That ain’t come out right. You see that couple over there?” She asked and pointed to a tall thin man with platforms and bell bottoms. Both him and his old lady had the same shoes on. There were little bitty fish swimming in them. “They wanted to snatch up every black light and lava lamp we got. Like they ain’t never heard of going overboard. But anyway...who’s this? She yours?”
Nikki wrapped herself around Helen’s legs and looked up at us like she was sure to get some extra love or something.
“I’m sorry! Nikki, stop that.”
“Oh it’s fine.”
“No, she can’t just be running up to folks and grabbing them like that. Nikki, stop.”
As it turned out Helen had family from the same corner of Mississippi that I was from. She had only gotten down there a few times but that was better than nothing. We wandered around the chairs and sofas, chatting about the way things were changing and she steered me away from the pieces folks came back in to complain about. Nikki helped us test out each piece, and by the end of it all, I’d told Helen all about Ricky and our life together. Well not everything, just the stuff you’d tell folks when you don’t want them to pity you.
“What he look like? I’ve probably seen him walking up and down the street here.”
“Um...about yay tall. Wide shoulders. He got real pretty eyes and that straight wavy kinda hair like he permed it only he didn’t. Most folks think he mixed or something.”
“I bet. You two must be something together.”
“I guess.”
“You should get the dining set over there. The one with the skinny legs. I had a customer come by once and say it looked sexy. You believe that? Sexy furniture. These people...I tell you. There’s no less than a hundred types of crazy in this world. Now, we got some real nice dishes and stuff that’ll go with it.”
“I want red.”
“Whatcha say, honey?”
“Red. You got red dishes? I always...kinda liked the color red. You think that’s too much to eat off of?”
“N’all. I think that’s hot. Come on, let me write all this stuff down.”
“And um...maybe we could get a chandelier to go over the table. I see a lot of folks have them.”
“Sure thing, sweetie. What else you want?”
It was like the flood gates opened. I couldn’t stop. Matching chairs, un-matching chairs, I needed them both. Beds to go in all the bedrooms. Two sofas, well three if you count the one I got to go in my bedroom. But it was a real small one, just the tiniest cutest little thing I ever saw! Lamps, lights to go in the ceiling, rugs...by the time we’d finished Helen had invited me out for drinks. She said because of me she was going on vacation and the least she could do was take me out for a few drinks.
“I’ll wait until you done with this here.” She grinned and swirled her index finger in the general direction of my stomach. “But don’t take too long.”
And I didn’t. Two days later Mya Ann Morrow made her appearance. Ricky was in the ring but he came right after. His face was puffy and bruised but not too bad. He said I should’ve seen the other guy. I ain’t need to, I could imagine. He slumped down in a chair and yanked his sweater over his head. Said it was hot. That was the beginning. He complained about the heat, about the sheets, he complained that the nurses kept coming in and bothering me. Then he demanded a private room.
“Mr. Morrow, we don’t have any other rooms available.”
“Yeah you do! I know you do! You just don’t wanna give it up! And how long it take for the doc to take a look at her anyway? Huh? What you doing to my baby?” Ricky got like that after a fight, especially when he thought he could’ve done better. Knocked the guy out in three rounds instead of four.
The poor nurse was quivering in her boring white shoes. “I’ll go and s-s-see.”
I felt bad for her but I wasn’t about to get in it. I’d just pushed a human out of my body. I needed my rest. “Ricky, baby, calm down.” He cut his eyes at me and then dragged himself to my bedside. “She just doing her job.”
“I wanna see my kid. Don’t you wanna see her? She yours too.”
I did wanna see her but not with the same hardness that he did. I got the feeling if he ain’t see her in about ten minutes he would go on a rampage, checking each one of the hospital rooms for her. I don’t know if he thought somebody had stolen her or what, but I just nodded. When they finally brought her to us silence filled the room. It was like watching some kinda miracle. He ain’t wanna give her up. He wrapped his sweater around her like the blanket wasn’t enough and grinned like a man gone insane.
“She look like me, don’t she?”
“I don’t know. I can’t really see.”
“She look like me. Look at her. She got my hair. My lips.” He dug around in the blanket a bit and lifted his pointer finger to show me the tiny hands that clung to it. “And she got my hands. Fighting hands. She’s a fighter, just like her daddy. Ain’t that right, Mya? Open your eyes so I know you hear me.”
“They don’t do that right away.”
“She gone do it. Come on, girl.”
“Ricky, come on. Let me hold her.”
“Not until she open her eyes. I’m gonna be the first person she sees. She’ll do it. Watch.”
Only I couldn’t. All I could see was his sweater and some blankets. He walked toward me like he might just give her up but stopped when they were still outta reach. The nurse came back and gave me a sympathetic look. I’d get her soon enough, or least that’s what I thought. As soon as she started crying he’d hand her over. He was like that with Nikki. Couldn’t stand the sound of a baby crying. I yawned and suddenly the hospital bed felt just a bit more comfortable. I moved around until I found a good spot.
Next thing I knew the sunlight was tickling my eyelids. Ricky was in the chair, still holding her. I guess the nurses decided it was easier to give him his way and let him keep her.
“Hey, you awake. Look, look she opened her eyes. And she smiled at me. You believe that?”
T
HE
FIRST
FEW
WEEKS
I tried real hard to be good to her, just like any mama would. Tried to get her to take my milk but she wouldn’t. She’d fuss and fuss until we were both tired out. Doctor said she wasn’t getting enough nutrition so he put her on formula. I remember standing in the examining room, watching him say it. She was still on the scale, crying so much Ricky finally picked her up. It should’ve been me to pick her up but I couldn’t move. The doctor had this high voice that sounded like he was talking outta his nose. And he was saying it like it was something he said a hundred times a day.
“We will just put her on formula then. It’s the same.”
But it wasn’t to me. What I have tits for if they weren’t to feed my babies? I loved my babies. Loved them like I just knew my mama ain’t love me. She probably never even thought to nurse me.
“I can do it. I wanna keep trying.”
“Pecan, let it go. Now the doctor already done said it’s the same.”
So it was the same. I told myself that over and over, watching Ricky stick a bottle in her mouth. She took it every time. Took the bottle over me. On top of that wasn’t nothing about her like me. She was a beautiful baby and smart too, everybody said it so I knew it was true. Other babies was just holding their heads up but not Mya. By six months she was scooting around and getting into everything, and I mean everything. When Nikki was a baby she always stayed close by, checking to make sure I was watching but Mya acted like I ain’t even exist. If I put her down for a second she’d take off and end up somewhere we couldn’t see her. But she was polite and all. She’d let me hold her, play with her a little, and then she’d take off again. I got to thinking maybe it was my fault since I’d tried to wish her away to begin with. Maybe she knew. By the time Ricky’d come home she’d be all pooped out so she’d just lie in his arms. I’d watch from a safe distance, hating him. She was my baby, or she was supposed to be anyway.
“Pecan, come on in here!”
Nikki’d already gone down but Ricky liked to stay up and watch TV with Mya. It was their alone time.
“Yeah?” I stood next to the television set, working a towel around a bowl to dry it. “Want me to put her to bed?”
“N’all I’ll do it later. What’s this here red mark on her foot?”
“I don’t know.”
He rested her tiny foot back onto his thigh and glared at me. Somehow I’d let something happen to his baby. I backed up through my day. What did I do? I baked a cake. Nikki had helped me with the batter.
“How you not know? What kinda mama don’t know?”
I made a cake and then what? Then what? Ricky lifted her leg again and this time she stirred in his arms and for a second I thought he might get distracted but nothing could ever distract him from something like this. I wanted to get closer to get a better look, maybe get some clue as to what caused the mark, but my legs wouldn’t move. My hands neither, they just held onto the towel and the bowl. I might as well have been a statue.
“Look like a splinter. Bring me some tweezers.”
I did as I was told. I couldn’t risk being still if he was going to give me a chance to redeem myself. I handed him my manicure set and watched real close as he eased the sliver of wood out. So gentle she ain’t even wake up. I didn’t know he could be that gentle.
“Where her socks? Why you ain’t put no socks on her?”
“I…I did.”
“Don’t see them.”
“She took them off.”
He ain’t believe me. If Mya could’ve talked he would’ve asked her if that was really what happened. Like I was making it up, lying just to cover up the fact that I was a bad mama. The sports announcer said something interesting so Ricky went back to watching the TV. I loved the TV. It gave me some peace and quiet. Ricky could sit in front of it for hours. Some nights that’s all he did.
During the day I kept busy with chores and the girls and sometimes I’d run into other housewives at the grocer’s and we’d chit-chat. Comparing notes on recipes and our kids. That’s how I met Paula. She had two kids too and she was young like me. Paula and Helen, with her long legs and in your face make-up, were my only links to the outside world. If I ain’t have them I don’t know what I would’ve done. But Paula was more happy than the rest of us. Her husband worked at a bank and he was into backyard barbecues and stuff. Him and Ricky ain’t really get along. But me and Paula’s carts stood side by side and our kids giggled up and down the aisle as we caught up on what had happened in the last week. Mya was just about ten months by then and she started whining from her seat in the cart. I could tell she wanted to get down and run with the others. She was still too young but she kept at it until I took her out.
“So, I asked Harold about going dancing. You and Ricky should come with us this time. There’s this real nice piano bar called Tuesday’s.”
“Tuesday’s?”
“Yeah I know. It’s kinda a weird name but they got live music. It’ll be fun!”
“I’ll ask him. Ricky like dancing and all but I don’t know if he’s gonna feel like it after training all day.”
The sudden crack of bone against tile went through me something awful. I knew it was Mya before I even looked down the aisle. She was hollering up a storm and the other three kids stood around her in awe. Screaming bloody murder she was and the lump on her forehead grew with each passing second. The store manager came around and wanted to know why I wasn’t watching her. I told him I was just right over there, that I was watching. He made a point to say that the floor wasn’t wet and they weren’t responsible and then asked me to make my purchases and leave.
“She just fall.” Nikki said as we headed home. “Mama? She just fall.”
I wasn’t blaming her but she felt the need to defend herself. I’d explained to her that she was the big sister now, that she had to look out for the baby. I figured that way I could keep bad stuff from happening to Mya. But sometimes kids just fall.
I set the table for supper but ain’t really expect Ricky to be home in time. I’d hoped I could get Mya down before he noticed the bump on her head. I was wrong. She ain’t appear to be in any pain but he took one look at the red knot and chased me from the dining room to the kitchen to the living room.
“It was an accident! She just fell!” But he ain’t wanna hear it. He’d made up his mind. I was a bad mama and I needed to be punished. “She’s okay! Look at her, she’s okay! Ricky, please—” I saw his fist pull back and I was desperate. So desperate that I told him the only thing I could think of. “I’m pregnant!” And I was.
A light might have went on somewhere behind his eyes but it wasn’t enough to stop him. Twisting and turning to get out his reach, I landed right on the coffee table. Or right through it really. It was the type made of glass. The whole right side of my body was in hell and covered in tiny bleeding cuts. I tried to get up but my knee kept scraping on something sharp so finally I just gave up. I’m not sure how long I laid there before he got me up.