How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (11 page)

— Contact the local police or a law enforcement agency.

— Contact the local district attorney’s office.

The Bible says,

“A wise man has great power,
and a man of knowledge increases strength;
for waging war you need guidance,
and for victory many advisers”

(P
ROVERBS
24:5-6).

•
If a Child Discloses Abuse...

— Stay calm.

— Take time to sensitively answer any questions from the child.

— Be available to the child at all times.

— Stay with the child. Leave the child only with another adult whom both you and the child trust.

— Respect the privacy of the child from those who have no need to know her story.

— Make no promises you can’t keep, such as, “Your mom won’t be angry” or “He won’t get into trouble.”

— Explain that law enforcement agencies must be informed, and then describe what will happen next.

— Be prepared to provide protection, arrange for a medical exam, and obtain professional counseling.

Follow the scriptural admonition to

“encourage the timid,
help the weak, be patient with everyone”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
5:14).

•
If You See Questionable Marks on a Child’s Body…

— Take the child to a pediatrician or the local hospital emergency room for immediate examination and documentation.

— Relate why you suspect possible child abuse and state that a child abuse case should be turned over to a caseworker.

— Ask for a copy of the medical report in writing and for copies of photographs if they are taken. (An attorney can subpoena them.)

— Keep a paper trail of all contacts you make: calls, reports, and photographs.

— If a caseworker’s file disappears, supply duplicates of your copies of photographs and reports.

— Follow up with caseworkers on a regular basis, asking about the status of the case and how you can be of assistance.

— If the local services are not responsive, appeal to higher authorities by contacting a state or federal agency.

Follow the biblical mandate to

“submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake
to every authority instituted among men…
who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong
and to commend those who do right”

(1 P
ETER
2:13-14).

“Has anyone ever touched you in an uncomfortable way?”
⁶⁸
This is the most important question a parent or guardian can ask a child, according to Marilyn. Why? Because
children don’t tell
, believing that they are to blame or that no one will believe them—or even worse, that no one will love or help them. Older boys and girls can struggle even more with guilt, fearing questions like, Why didn’t you fight back, leave, or run away?

No matter the initial answer to your question, further conversation and more assurances will be needed. Why? Because most violated children do not immediately answer
yes
. Children watch your reaction—subconsciously testing you—and if you express immense relief over a “no touch” answer, they may never tell you at all.
They don’t want Mom and Dad to have to deal with this.
⁶⁹

The better follow-up response is this: “If you ever do want to come and tell me something, just remember that we can always work things through together. Most kids don’t tell because they feel ashamed. There is never anything to be ashamed of. I love you so much. There is nothing that could ever change that.”
⁷⁰

Not telling leaves victims of childhood sexual abuse in bondage to “the secret.” Revealing the truth is the only strategy for breaking the power of that secret. The key to opening the hearts of victims is to give them loving care and the tender compassion of Christ.

“The L
ORD
is good, a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in him”

(N
AHUM
1:7).

As you seek to surface the secret…
⁷¹

•
Pray for supernatural wisdom from God.

•
Provide a safe atmosphere, away from upsetting people and places.

•
Ask, “Have you been experiencing something uncomfortable or confusing?”

“Has anyone ever touched you in a way that made you uncomfortable?”

•
Listen carefully, repeat what is said, and ask, “Did I get it right?”

•
Be cautious about asking “leading questions,” such as, “Did he do _____________ to you?”

•
Let authorities with expertise in childhood sexual abuse ask most of the questions in order to determine the truth.

•
Communicate that you believe the child.

•
Acknowledge that the offender is wrong.

•
Give assurance that the child is not to blame.

•
Confirm that telling is the right thing to do.

•
Don’t reach out with physical affection unless you ask permission: “Would you like for me to hold your hand?” Or, “Can I give you a hug?” Even if the answer is yes, if you sense hesitation, slowly withdraw.

•
Provide a safe atmosphere by displaying genuine love and compassion.

Remember…

“The purposes of a [child’s] heart are deep waters,
but a [person] of understanding draws them out”

(P
ROVERBS
20:5).

As a child, Marilyn Van Derbur excelled in scholastics and sports…but no one told her that she had the
right
to say no to something wrong. Giving children permission to say no teaches them that they have the right of control over their own bodies and helps them establish safe, personal boundaries.
It should be
their choice
as to whether and by whom they want to be touched or kissed.
⁷²

Instilling this concept of
protective power
in children doesn’t display disrespect for others, but rather builds a healthy sense of self-respect. And its implications include recognizing that others have the right to establish the same healthy boundaries. Yet millions of children are violated every day because they believe their only options are to say, “Yes” or to remain totally silent, which may be taken as consent while their hearts are yelling, “No!” Sadly, they do not realize…

“the grace of God that brings salvation…
teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness”

(T
ITUS
2:11-12).

Many children do not know they have permission to take action to protect themselves. They don’t realize what is happening, and they become too frightened to react quickly. Because most children are taught to obey authority figures, they need to be empowered to protect themselves from any authority figure who would hurt them.

Protection Power

The following statements can instill confidence and build assertiveness in a young heart and help a child to resist inappropriate sexual advances:

•
“God loves you and made your body with a special plan and purpose.”

•
“If you are asked to do something you think is wrong, say, ‘No!’ even to an older relative or friend of the family. Then come tell me whether saying, ‘No!’ worked or not.” (Role-play saying “No!” in a firm, assertive voice.)

•
“Your body belongs to you, and you decide who touches it.”

•
“The parts of your body covered by a bathing suit are private.”

•
“Never allow anyone to touch your private parts, unless it is for medical reasons and a parent is present.”

•
“If someone tries to touch your private parts, scream and run to a safe place.”

•
“If someone touches your private parts and says that it’s okay, that person is wrong! If that happens, you must tell me or someone you trust.”

•
“If a person does not stop touching you, say, ‘I’ll tell if you don’t stop!’ Then tell me or someone else when it is safe for you to do so.”

•
“If someone threatens you, do not be afraid. Tell on that person anyway.”

•
“If you are asked to keep the touching a secret, tell on that person anyway.”

•
“If you report that you were touched in a wrong way and the person you tell this to doesn’t believe you, keep telling no matter how embarrassed you feel. Keep telling about what happened until someone believes you.”

•
“Pray that you will find a safe adult whom you can trust to help you (someone who is not a member of your family).”

This verse is perfect to share with any child:

“If sinners entice you, do not give in to them”

(P
ROVERBS
1:10).

Marilyn Van Derbur has described the trauma many sexually abused children face when they go to a doctor’s office. Even the simplest procedure—like swabbing for a throat culture—can cause nauseating flashbacks, emotional trauma, and physical reactions that may result even in a child’s running away.

Therefore, “stepping up to the plate”—warning others about past abusers in positions of authority—can save many children immense grief for years to come and in ways perhaps never imagined.

Some people feel uncomfortable—as though they’re being a tattletale—revealing the sexual abuse others have committed. However, if you know that a child abuser is about to be put in a position of authority over children,
for the children’s sake
you must share what you know—even if your warning is dismissed. All responsible adults have a heart to protect children. If you take action based on the golden rule, you just may save a child’s life:

“In everything,
do to others what you would have them do to you”

(M
ATTHEW
7:12).

Warning Parents About Perpetrators

Q
UESTION
:
“As a child, I was sexually abused by an older relative. Now he is planning to marry a woman with young children. Should I express my concern?”

A
NSWER
:
Yes, absolutely! Although you may be accused of vindictiveness, digging up dirt, stirring up trouble, or other such things, you must speak up on behalf of the vulnerable children.

When you express your concern, approach your relative in a calm, non-attacking manner and say,

•
“I sincerely thank you for talking with me.”

•
“Something has been concerning me. I’ve prayed about this and need to ask you several questions.”

•
Optional: “I’m not here to make you feel uncomfortable or to attack you.”

•
“I just need to ask: How have you dealt with your sexual behavior toward me when I was ___ years old?”

•
“Have you received counseling for the past sexual abuse you committed? When? Where? With whom? What did you learn?”

— If you are not satisfied with his responses, express your heartfelt concern for the physical and emotional protection of his fiancée’s children.

— Explain your moral obligation to talk with the children’s mother. After all, they are her children.

— Ask the fiancée, “Are you aware of the childhood sexual abuse committed by [relative’s name] in the past?”

— If the answer is no, then say, “I feel morally obligated to share a painful memory with you.”

— After you have briefly described what happened, communicate to her, “If he has not received adequate help through
counseling to understand both his inappropriate thinking and behavior, and if he has not learned to honor appropriate boundaries with children, there is reason to have great concern for your children.”

In seeking to protect children, remember…

“A truthful witness saves lives,
but a false witness is deceitful”

(P
ROVERBS
14:25).