Read How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) Online
Authors: June Hunt
“What you are saying is (__________). Is that accurate?”
•
Remain calm.
Your abuser wants a strong reaction from you.
“Do we need to discuss this at a later time? If you want to continue now, I need you to speak with more restraint, or this conversation will have to wait.”
Remember this truth:
“The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded
than the shouts of a ruler of fools”
(E
CCLESIASTES
9:17).
•
Acknowledge that you sense anger
in your abuser.
“I sense that you are feeling angry.”
•
Confirm that being angry is permissible.
Never attempt to humor an abuser out of anger.
“At times anger is justified.”
•
Help your abuser recognize the cause of the anger,
but don’t try to psychoanalyze the individual.
Ask, “What triggered your anger?”
Realize…
“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters,
but a man of understanding draws them out”
(P
ROVERBS
20:5).
•
Confront the behavior,
not the person.
“I care about you, but I dislike what you are doing. What can I do to help you stop (________________)?”
•
Avoid threats, sarcasm, hostility, put-downs, or judgment
of the other person’s intentions.
“If you are angry with me, talk with me and help me to understand why. But please stop your present behavior.”
•
Ask again if necessary
(respectfully), when you don’t get a clear, direct answer.
“Let me ask again. Why did you tell me you were coming to the ceremony, but then never showed up?”
Take to heart this admonition from God’s Word:
“Live a life worthy of the calling you have received.
Be completely humble and gentle;
be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit
through the bond of peace”
(E
PHESIANS
4:1-3).
•
Focus on the issue at hand.
“I need for us to focus on this issue and to resolve it.”
•
Don’t bring up past issues.
“We cannot change the past, but we can do things differently now.”
•
Don’t let the other person get you off track.
“I realize this topic may bring up other issues, but we need to stay on this subject for now and find a solution for it.”
Apply this counsel from God’s Word:
“Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil”
(P
ROVERBS
4:25-27).
•
Don’t put all of your hope in the expectation that an abuser will change
, but put your confidence in God and His sufficiency.
•
Be aware that you cannot make the abuser change
no matter what you do, how much you try, or how good you are as a person.
•
Know that change will occur only after the abuser admits to having a problem
and begins to receive the help and support needed to turn from that problem.
Keep the following in mind:
“If we claim to be without sin,
we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins,
he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness”
(1 J
OHN
1:8-9).
•
Look first to the Lord for discernment
about your relationship.
•
Ask the Lord to give you wisdom, insight, and direction
as you seek to honor Him in all your relationships.
•
Read Scripture and take God at His word
in order to renew your mind so that you will not continue to live as a victim, but as a victor.
•
Get involved in a Bible study.
Memorize and daily rehearse Scripture passages that emphasize your worth and the authority you have as a child of God.
•
Live dependently on Christ
, who lives within you.
•
Don’t try to live out of your own resources.
Multiple times throughout the day, present yourself to the Lord and acknowledge your total dependence upon His resources.
Remember these words from the Lord to the apostle Paul, and Paul’s response:
“ ‘My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.’
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me”
(2 C
ORINTHIANS
12:9).
All countries have clear geographical boundaries, and many protect these boundaries by exercising strict control over who enters or leaves. In addition, all countries have laws that apply to everyone living or traveling within those boundaries. People must do the same when it comes to protecting themselves.
22
Certainly we don’t need to use roadblocks, soldiers, and guns, but God does want us to establish personal boundaries in our relationships so we can preserve our emotional health and protect the treasure God has in us. We need to carefully guard who has access to our hearts and minds.
Do you feel that someone often takes advantage of you? Are you expected to meet all the needs of someone else? Do certain people expect you to help them but then fail to help you when needs arise? Does someone take advantage of you at work by relentlessly piling on one task after another? Do you feel manipulated by someone’s lies, half-truths, procrastination, and lateness? Those are the results when you lack emotional boundaries. When those kinds of breaches occur often, they become significant threats to your freedom to serve God and become all He wants you to be. Learn to
draw the line
with
people who cross your boundaries and put you in bondage. You can do this by remembering this truth:
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves
be burdened again by a yoke of slavery”
(G
ALATIANS
5:1).
Step #1: Place Boundaries Around Your Heart
Be careful where and upon whom you spend your emotions. Put firm boundaries around the things in which you are emotionally invested. Completely giving your heart away will cause you to stumble and will cause your devotion to turn from God to someone else.
“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life”
(P
ROVERBS
4:23).
Step #2: Learn that It’s Okay to Say No
Many people who lack boundaries are not in touch with their true feelings. Or if they are, they don’t think they have the right to say no. Do not listen to lies about being selfish or uncaring when you refuse to comply with someone’s wishes. Jesus set boundaries while He was here on earth, and at times He found it necessary to say no to people, including His disciples. He knew there are times when it’s best to say no. Jesus said,
“Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’ ”
(M
ATTHEW
5:37).
Step #3: Start Being Assertive
People who are nonassertive would benefit from assertiveness training classes. Nonassertive behavior allows others to violate your personal rights; by your behavior, you actually permit the infringement. The reason people typically give for being nonassertive is to avoid any kind of conflict, but the consequences are horrendously hurt feelings and deeply devalued self-worth. Assertively standing up for yourself in a respectful, appropriate manner is in accord with these instructions from Jesus:
“If your brother sins against you,
go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.
If he listens to you, you have won your brother over”
(M
ATTHEW
18:15).
Assertiveness Training 101
W
AYS TO
D
ELIVER
Y
OUR
M
ESSAGE
W
ITHOUT
I
NCITING
A
NGER
“W
HEN
I…”
Describe a specific behavior of the other person that violates one of your boundaries.
•
“When I hear your anger escalate, I get concerned.”
•
“When I hear that several people have been invited for dinner and I have not been given sufficient advance notice, I am caught off guard.”
“T
HE RESULT IS
…”
Describe specifically how the other person’s behavior affects your life and, as a result, how you feel. (Avoid saying, “You make me…”)
•
“The result is I feel hurt and frustrated because I think that instead of
yelling
, we should be
talking
about the problem.”
•
“The result is I feel embarrassed, ill-prepared, and inadequate because I might not have enough food on hand to prepare, and I also feel taken advantage of.”
“I
WOULD
…”
Describe what you would like to hear or to have happen.
•
“I would appreciate you being aware when you start getting angry so you can consciously choose to speak in a more normal tone of voice.”
•
“I would appreciate your checking with me before asking anyone to join us for dinner.”
Step #4: Draw the Line
Each of us have personal, emotional, and physical boundaries that should not be crossed and certainly not invaded. Do you know your specific boundaries? Do you know how to respond when your boundaries have been trampled? Do you know where to draw the line? To help identify your boundaries, pay attention when your emotions are intense, dark, or guilt-ridden in response to something someone has said or done to you. That’s a sign your boundaries are being crossed. The following responses will help you educate those in your life who are verbally and emotionally crossing the line! Remember:
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses”
(P
ROVERBS
27:6).
W
AYS TO
D
RAW THE
L
INE
I | “Do you realize you are speaking loudly?” |
| “Do you know how your words sound?” |
| “Do you know that you are saying things that make me feel uncomfortable?” |
I | “Please lower your voice.” |
| “Please stop using that kind of language.” |
| “Please explain your anger.” |
I | “Stop insulting me with your words.” |
| “Stop these painful outbursts.” |
| “Stop hurting me in this way.” |
I | “You must stop speaking to me in that tone of voice.” |
| “You will have to change this way of communicating with me.” |
| “You may not continue to degrade me in this way.” |
I | “I will no longer allow you to hurt me like this.” |
| “I will no longer allow you to talk to me this way.” |
| “I will no longer allow that tone of voice in my presence.” |
I | “I am open to working this out when you choose to be reasonable.” |
“I care about you and our relationship, but you must change your ways of communicating with me.” | |
| “I am willing to go to counseling with you if you will agree to do so.” |
I | “I am now leaving in order to protect myself.” |
| “Because this behavior is unacceptable to me, I am going to distance myself from you for awhile.” |
| “If you continue with this behavior, I will consider all my options regarding our relationship.” |