How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (16 page)

Eric stared at the screen filled with curiosity and began to watch the clip.  “Fellow citizens of Fem,” the Femling
Grand Emperor announced, “I stand before you in a time of unprecedented prosperity for the planet Fem…”

And so Eric listened as the
Grand Emperor of Fem delivered his speech about the Quality Of Life proposal.  When it got to the point about eliminating suffering from the rest of the galaxy Eric appeared quite confused.  “He seems like a pretty sound dude to me, like,” he remarked.

“Keep listening, though,” Azleev
instructed.

And then as
the Grand Emperor outlined his ideas regarding the elimination of life from certain planets that were beyond hope, Eric’s opinion rapidly changed from respectful agreement to utter shock and disbelief.  “Eh!  What an idiot!”

“I know,” Jixyl agreed.

“What a total snide!” Eric exclaimed.  “He wants to eliminate life from certain planets just cos he reckons the level of suffering is too high!  Proper sly or what!?”

“I know!” Jixyl repeated.  “That’s what we’ve been saying.  They’re totally crazy, man.”

“Anyway, from what you’ve told us about that bloke on the TV show, it seems that the Femlings are planning to make the ‘Quality Of Life’ proposal a reality,” Azleev concluded.  “And unfortunately for Earth it seems that it’s yous that have drawn the short straw.”

“Eh!  I cannit believe that, like,” Eric remarked
, shaking his head.

“Well, I don’t know what else we can do to convince you,” Azleev shrugged.  “You’ve seen the video…”

“Ar, nar.  I don’t mean ‘I cannit believe it’ as in ‘I literally don’t believe it,’” Eric explained.  “I mean ‘I cannit believe it’ as in ‘I do obviously believe it cos I’ve seen it with my own eyes, but I just think it’s totally snidey.’”

“Ar, right,” Azleev replied, as he began to grasp the intricacies of Geordie slang.

“Right anyway, so yous have sussed that it’s the Femlings that want to kill everyone,” Eric summarised.  “So what’s your plan to save everyone, then?”

“We don’t have one,” Jixyl admitted.

“Ar, great!  Well that’s good, like!” Eric moaned, sarcastically.  “Thanks for travelling all this way just to tell uz, ‘Ar, don’t worry. 
We’re
not gonna kill you … but some other aliens are, so unlucky but you’re still gonna die anyway.’”

“I didn’t say we weren’t going to help, you sarky git,” Jixyl retorted.  “I’m just saying we haven’t got a plan as yet.  You need to tell us everything you know before we can decide what we can do to help.”

“Well I’ve pretty much told you everything already,” Eric shrugged.  “Like I say, there was just some dude on The Jerry Springer Show that reckoned he got abducted by aliens that sounded a bit like yous … and then at the end of it one of the aliens admitted that everyone on Earth was gonna get killed.  That’s about it.”

Jixyl and Azleev digested this information for a few moments before Eric impatiently asked, “Any ideas, then?”

“Well basically what we really need to do first is speak to that abducted bloke,” Azleev remarked.  “See what else he can tell us.”

“I suppose I could look on the internet for the address and stuff for whoever makes The Jerry Springer Show,” Eric suggested.  “And then ask them for his contact details.”

“Right, well the sooner the better,” Jixyl urged.

“Except that he’ll probably be bugged,” Azleev pointed out.  “So the Femlings will probably hear everything he tells us.”

“Ar, aye.  Shit,” Jixyl exclaimed, realising his mate was probably right.

“Ar, great,” Eric muttered.  “So we’re basically in big trouble, then.”

“Well
you
are,” Jixyl replied.  “We’re alright, though.”

“Ar, rubbish,” Eric whinged.

“Don’t worry.  All we have to do is block the transmitter from the bug and then we’ll be able to talk freely with him,” Azleev suggested.

“Except that that would be blatantly too obvious,” Jixyl disagreed.  “If we block the transmitter the Femlings’ll suss straight away that someone’s on to them.”

“Yeah, true … I suppose,” Azleev acknowledged.

“So basically we’re in big trouble then,” Eric repeated, before quickly correcting himself.  “Sorry …
I’m
in big trouble.  Yous are okay but I’m gonna die.”

“Nar, don’t give up yet,” Jixyl
encouraged.

“Ar, what about…” Eric suddenly seemed full of optimism and hope.  “…would I be able to come with yous and live on your planet?”

“But what about everyone else on Earth, though?” Azleev pointed out.  “They’d still die.  They couldn’t all come and live on our planet.”

“Well, yeah,” Eric shrugged.  Everyone went quiet for a few moments.   “…but as a last resort,” Eric continued.  “I mean, obviously the ideal scenario would be for everyone to get saved … but failing that I suppose I could come and live with yous on your planet.”  He suddenly realised that he was possibly coming across as too enthusiastic for this idea so he tried to tone down his enthusiasm.  “But, like, obviously it’d be a gutter for everyone else, like.  So obviously we need to think of a plan to save everyone else as well if we can.”  Another moment of quiet followed which led Eric to feel the need to push the benefits of his back-up plan once again, “But I mean, like … there’s no point me dying as well.  If you can only save one life then it’s better to save that one life than to let everyone die.”

“I think I’ve got an idea,” Azleev announced, looking slightly more optimistic.

“What?” Jixyl inquired.

“It’s the Star Maker
[25]
final this coming day after Saturday and the day before Sunday
[26]
,” Azleev remarked.

“The day after Saturday and the day before Sunday?” Eric inquired, curiously.  “What’s that?”

“It’s the day after Saturday and the day before Sunday,” Azleev replied.  It may have sounded like he was being sarcastic but actually he wasn’t.  It was just a translational quirk of G.O.T.  From Azleev’s point of view the previous conversation went like this:

Azleev:  It’s the Star Maker final this coming Quorgsday
[27]
.

Eric:  What’s Quorgsday
[28]
?

Azleev:  It’s the day after Saturday and the day before Sunday.

Anyway, Eric was quite surprised and a little jealous at the discovery of a three day weekend on Azleev and Jixyl’s planet.

“Eh!  So yous get a three day weekend!”  Actually he was more than a
little
jealous.  He was a
lot
jealous.  “What a bunch of flukes!”

“Three days?” Jixyl replied, frowning his eyebrows.  “Well … no.  Obviously we get the day after Sunday and the day before Monday as well.  Surely you can’t expect people to manage on a three day weekend?  We’d be totally knackered all the time.”

“Eh!?!  You mean you get a four day weekend!”  Eric was getting ever more jealous by the second.  “Flip!  Hey, I definitely want to come and live on your planet, like.”  He suddenly toned down his enthusiasm.  “Ar, I mean, but hopefully we’ll think of a plan to save everyone else … obviously.”

“Well if you let uz finish telling you my idea we might have the start of a plan,” Azleev remarked.

“Ar, aye.  Soz,” Eric apologised.

“Right, so it’s the Star Maker final this coming day after Saturday and the day before Sunday,” Azleev repeated.  Eric was wondering what Star Maker was but he decided to bite his lip until Azleev had finished his story.

“Yeah,” Jixyl agreed.  “So how does that help us?”

“Well think what happened a couple of months ago when it was the Fly On The Wall
[29]
final,” Azleev replied.

Jixyl’s eyes suddenly lit up.  “Ar, of course!” he exclaimed.

“What?” Eric asked, feeling out of the loop.

“So many people voted that the whole telecommunications network crashed!” Jixyl revealed, his enthusiasm for Azleev’s idea growing with every passing second.

“Basically, the central telecommunications processor packed up under the weight of usage,” Azleev elaborated.

“And any transmissions sent from the bug in that abducted dude will have to go through the central telecommunications processor,” Jixyl added.

“Ar, right.  I think I’m starting to follow,” Eric replied.  “So hopefully when the Star Maker final is on there’ll be loads of calls again and the processor’ll crash again and we’ll be able to talk to the abducted dude without the Femlings hearing what we’re saying.”

“Exactly!” Jixyl confirmed.

“But will it definitely crash again?” Eric inquired, considering every eventuality.  “Like, surely they’ll have learnt their lesson, won’t they?  You’d think if it crashed the last time then they’d have added extra capacity.”

“Yeah, they have,” Azleev confirmed.  “But you’re missing the point.  We can sabotage the central telecommunications processor while the Star Maker final is on and no-one will get suspicious.  They’ll just assume it was cos of too many calls again.

Trust us, the Femlings absolutely love Star Maker so if the central telecommunications processor crashes everyone’ll be happy.  The telecommunications company will be happy cos they’ll have to repeat the final which means another mass bout of telephone voting which means even more profits for them.  The producers will be happy cos they can use it as a testament to how popular their show is.  The contestants will be happy cos they all get to enjoy one extra week of fame in the limelight.  The media-blogs
[30]
will be happy cos it’ll be a massive story and they’ll sell loads of advertising space.  And the viewers, in a strange morbid way, will be happy cos a repeat of the final means they get to watch their favourite show for an extra week and they get to gossip about it all week at work for an extra week.  Everyone’s a winner.  Everyone’s happy.

And happy people don’t question why things happen.  They just accept.  So it’s perfect.  We can sabotage the central telecommunications processor and no-one gets suspicious.  We get to talk to the abducted bloke and then we can take things from there.”

“Still though … talking to this dude isn’t gonna save the world,” Eric pointed out, tempering their newfound hope with a degree of realism.

“It’s a start, though,” Azleev insisted.  “We’ve got to start somewhere.”

“And hopefully he might be able to tell us stuff like timescales and stuff,” Jixyl added.  “And maybe he might even know how the Femlings are planning to do it.”

“Yeah and the sooner we know exactly how they plan to do it, the sooner we can start thinking of ways to stop them,” Azleev added.  “Whereas at the moment we don’t even know what they plan to do.”

“Well, they plan to kill everyone, don’t they?” Eric pointed out.

“Yeah, but we don’t know specifically
how
they’re going to kill everyone,” Azleev clarified.

“And you can’t stop something from happening when you don’t even know what the thing is that’s
gonna happen,” Jixyl argued.

“Aye, I suppose,” Eric begrudgingly acknowledged.

And so the three of them set about putting their plan into action.

The Planet Fem,

The Star Maker TV Studio…

“Technically excellent,” Sylon Remell, the man behind the Star Maker show and one of the three judges, remarked.  He paused just long enough to give the studio audience time to break into excitable applause, then continued, “but uninspiring.”  The cheers quickly transformed into pantomime boos.

“Oh, come on, Sylon!” Brinna Lopco, another of the three judges, remonstrated.  “How can you criticise a performance like that?  It was excellent!” she enthused.

“Ye
s, I agree,” Sylon acknowledged.  “Were you not listening?  I’ve already said it was excellent.  But at this stage of the competition excellent isn’t good enough.  All three of the contestants left in the competition are all exceptional singers.  We’re dealing with the best of the best at this stage.”  He turned to direct his attention to Kel Minky, the contestant they were presently discussing.  “So if you want to be the one that takes the Star Maker crown this year then I’m afraid excellent isn’t good enough.  You need to reach out and connect with your audience.  You need to leave your audience feeling exhilarated and inspired.”  Kel was gutted by Sylon’s reaction but she was intelligent enough to put on a brave face and try to look like she was taking on board his advice, even though she secretly realised that Sylon didn’t really know that much about music.  Music, you see, wasn’t Sylon’s strong point.  Ratings, were Sylon’s strong point.

“She did that, Sylon!” Brinna exclaimed.  “I think you must have been watching and listening to a different performance from the one I heard cos the performance I’ve just witnessed totally connected with her audience.”

“Yeah, I’m with Brinna on this one,” Morse Gralik, the third judge, endorsed.

“What did
you
think?” Brinna remarked, addressing the studio audience.  “Did you feel that was a performance you could connect with?”