How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (20 page)

“Ar, I’m not saying it’ll be easy,” Eric a
cknowledged.  “I’m just saying though … like, if yous can come up with the science to travel intergalactic distances and if you can come up with really cool phones and stuff, then you should be able to invent an antidote as well.”

“If they’re gonna kill every life form on Earth, including carrots, then that means they’re gonna have to come up with loads of different diseases,” Azleev reasoned, “by virtue of the fact that every different life form has a different biological structure.  Therefore some life forms are gonna be naturally immune to some of the diseases they create, due to their different DNA and stuff, so that means they’re gonna have to come up with loads of different diseases.  So that means in turn we’d need to come up with a different antidote for every disease which makes things extremely difficult.”

“Well … just let the carrots and stuff die,” Eric shrugged.

“Ar, you’ve sharp changed your tune, like!” Jixyl laughed.  “A minute ago it was all, ‘Oh, the poor carrots!  What have the carrots ever done to hurt anyone?’ and now all of a sudden you’re, like, ‘Well just let the carrots die!’  Remind uz never to rely on you in my hour of need.”

“No I’m just saying though…”

“Yeah, stuff the carrots, eh?” Azleev chuckled.

“No, man.  I’m not saying that,” Eric remonstrated.  “I’m just acknowledging that obviously it’ll be hard to come up with antidotes for every disease, so make saving humans the priority and then after that if you’ve got any time left
then
you can try and find an antidote for the carrots and stuff.”

“So if we save humans but all animals and plants die, then what are you gonna eat?” Azleev asked.

Eric racked his brains for a few seconds.  “Hmm, good point, I suppose,” he begrudgingly conceded.  “Well, try and save cows as well … cos I like steak.  Actually, make it deer that you save, cos I love venison even more than normal steak.”

“Well, it might not be easy.  I’m not being deliberately pessimistic, like, or nothing,” Jixyl explained.  “I’m just pointing out that it’s not gonna be as easy as you seemed to initially think.”

“Ar I’m not saying it’s gonna be a doddle, like,” Eric agreed.  “It’s a possibility that’s worth pursuing, though.”

“Ar, well that’s very reassuring to hear,” Jixyl remarked.  “What with your extensive knowledge of Femling biological warfare methods and your extensive knowledge of our antidotal scientific capabilities, like.”

Eric laughed.  “Aye, admittedly I don’t know what I’m on about, like,” he admitted.  “But apart from that…”

“Aye, apart from the fact that you don’t know what you’re on about,” Jixyl interrupted, “it’s quite a compelling argument that you make.”

“Well have yous got a better plan, have yous?” Eric asked.

“No.  Trying to make loads of antidotes might turn out to be the best plan we can come up with,” Azleev answered, once again being the voice of reason.  “All we’re saying though, is don’t get your hopes up and think it’s a plan which will definitely work … cos we might not be able to even actually come up with any antidotes.  For starters, we can’t actually start working on any antidote until we know what the disease is.  And by the time we get the antidote created the disease might have wiped out half the planet.”

“Or even worse.  Even mebbees the whole planet,” Jixyl added.

“So basically, what you’re saying is that we’re fucked,” Eric replied.

“
You’re
fucked,” Jixyl corrected.  “
We’re
alright.”

“Aye, cheers,” Eric smirked.  “So can I come and live on your planet, then?”

“Maybe as a last resort,” Azleev sort of half-promised, “but being positive, it’s pretty hard to create a disease.  So if that’s the Femlings’ plan then it could take them another couple of years before they’ve got enough diseases created to kill everything.”

“Maybe even longer,” Jixyl added, optimistically.

“And in the mean time,” Azleev continued, “you never know … we might come up with a better plan.”

“Ar, well.  A couple of years is better than nothing, I suppose,” Eric shrugged.  “And if we’ve got a couple of years to spare that means we could mebbees have a couple of hours in the casinos,” he suggested, hopefully.  “Just, like, I mean, like, while we’re in Vegas, like … it’d be stupid not to have a bit of a flutter.”

Jixyl and Azleev were actually quite keen to experience the flashing lights of Vegas for themselves and so they agreed to Eric’s suggestion and headed off towards the famous Las Vegas strip.

Eric strutted out of the casino onto the Las Vegas strip feeling extremely smug with himself.  The source of his smugness was the big wad of notes that currently filled his wallet.

“Yes … chuffedness!!” he beamed.

“M.D.P.T. wasn’t designed to be used for personal profit,” Azleev remarked.  M.D.P.T. stood for Mechanical and Digital Predictive Technology.  It was a feature on Eric’s phone.

“Well why not?” Eric asked.

“Cos it was meant to be used to cut down on research time and improve safety and stuff,” Azleev explained.  M.D.P.T. was a clever feature that could analyse its mechanical or electronic surroundings and predict the outcome of a future event.  As Azleev had just explained, the main purpose of M.D.P.T. on its initial introduction was to cut down on the time and expense involved in most areas of scientific research by predicting a result (with 98.675% accuracy) without actually having to perform the said operation.  As it became established though, the technology developed and eventually became honed to the point where it was used as a safety instrument for analysing mechanical devices and checking for any potential dangers before accidents happened.  It had cut down on Fyraling-made disasters on Fyra by almost four percent which probably doesn’t sound as impressive as you were expecting, but this figure would have been a lot higher if it wasn’t for Fyraling error.  Basically, after the introduction of M.D.P.T. many Fyralings became overconfident in their approach to safety, and so a lot of the safety gains made by the introduction of M.D.P.T. were cancelled out by the complacency of Fyraling nature (which was very like human nature).

“Aye, it was invented as a tool to benefit society,” Jixyl added.

“Well I’m part of society,” Eric argued, “and it’s certainly been very beneficial to me.”  Eric had used his mobile phone to predict which pokies
[37]
were the most likely to pay out.

“It was meant to benefit society as a whole,” Azleev explained.  “Not just certain individuals.”

“You see, you’ve gotta think outside the box sometimes,” Eric reasoned.  “Play-Doh was originally intended as a wallpaper cleaner but then some clever dude thought to himself, ‘Hmm, this would make a really cool toy,’ so he re-marketed it as a cool modelling clay type product and the rest is history.”

Jixyl and Azleev
gave Eric a confused stare.

“And you see, that’s basically what I’ve done with M.D.P.T.
,” Eric continued.  “I’ve thought, ‘Yes, it has very good uses, but maybe I can come up with a better use for it which could be beneficial in other ways.’  In this case … financially beneficial ways.”

“Tell you what … get the scran
[38]
in and we won’t go on about it any more,” Jixyl bargained.

“Fair enough,” Eric agreed.  “What d’you fancy?”

At that moment Azleev noticed a sign outside a casino which read ‘Roast Chicken Platter.’  “Mmm, I could quite fancy some roast chicken, like,” he suggested.

“Nar, I’m not really in the mood for chicken,” Eric replied.  He then noticed the next line of the sign.  It read, ‘Tonight: bikini mud wrestling.’  “Actually, aye … chicken sounds good,” he suddenly reconsidered.

They made their way through the casino into the restaurant/bar/bikini mud wrestling arena at the back, found themselves ringside seats then proceeded to order three roast chicken platters, together with one beer and two orange juices.

“I reckon that waitress fancied you, like, Jixyl,” Eric remarked, as the waitress took their orders off to the kitchen.

“She was just being friendly cos it’s her job,” Jixyl disputed.  “She didn’t fancy uz.”

“I dunno, like,” Azleev purported, agreeing with Eric.  “She definitely seemed to be a bit more friendly with you than with me and Eric.”

“Hey, you know what you should invent?” Eric suggested.

“What?” Jixyl inquired.

“H.P.T.,” Eric replied.  “It could be a new feature on your mobile phones and it would be a bit like M.D.P.T., only H.P.T. would stand for Hormonal Predictive Technology.  And you could, like, use your H.P.T. to find out which lasses fancy you and stuff.”

Jixyl looked at Eric with a smirk on his face.

“Ar … and it could also predict what sort of horny stuff they’re into,” Eric added.  “That’d be cool if yous could invent that, like.”

“Aye, it would, like,” Jixyl laughed.

“But remember, it was my idea,” Eric added.  “Just for when you’re dishing out the royalties and all that.”

“
Fyraling credits are worthless on Earth,” Azleev pointed out.

“Well you could pay uz in pounds, then,” Eric suggested, helpfully.

“We don’t have pounds on Fyra,” Azleev replied.

“And besides,” Jixyl added, “you can’t just come up with an idea and say you want the royalties for it.  If that was the case I could say, ‘Ar, I’ve come up with the idea for this pill that cures all diseases.’  But then someone would go, ‘Ar, that sounds excellent, like.  What’s the formula for it and, like, how do you make it?’ and I’d be, like, ‘Ar, I dunno.  I’ve just come up with the idea.  I can’t actually make it.’  And then they’d be all, like, ‘Ar, well you’re a total chump, then.  Cos anyone can come up with an idea.  It’s turning that idea into reality that deserves the credit.’

Eric chuckled at Jixyl’s sarky speech.  “Well, even if I can’t get any royalties out of it, I still reckon it’d be worth inventing, like,” he persisted.

“I’ll bear that in mind the next time I bump into the leading research scientists of Fyra,” Jixyl mocked.

A few moments later the waitress returned with their drinks.  Eric took a big gulp of his beer, then grinned at Jixyl and Azleev smugly.  “Aye, it’s a gutter how you can’t drink alcohol, like,” he commented, with fake sympathy.

“Aye, it’s a pity they don’t sell diquintenol,” Jixyl replied.  “I could just fancy a few DQs, like.”

By now Eric had reached the point where he totally and utterly trusted Jixyl and Azleev.  In fact he trusted them so much that it seemed weird to think that there had actually been a time when he thought they were going to kill all mankind.  Eric considered himself to be an astute judge of character, but he had to admit that on this occasion his initial judgement had been extremely wide of the mark.

Besides, he basically had no choice but to trust them.  If they were telling the truth, which Eric was virtually convinced of by now, then they were mankind’s only hope for survival.  And if somehow it still turned out that they were full of patter, which seemed implausible now that Eric had seen the ‘Quality Of Life’ video, then it didn’t really matter anyway because the Femlings were still going to try to kill all mankind, so he had nothing to lose by trusting them.

But this wasn’t the logic by which Eric had decided to trust Jixyl and Azleev.  He basically just thought they were totally sound.  They were his type of dudes.

And because he now trusted them he felt that he could no longer postpone telling Jixyl about his unfaithful girlfriend any longer.

He realised, however, that telling Jixyl his girlfriend was a cheat would more than likely put him in a bad mood and Eric had no desire to enrage Jixyl unnecessarily.  He therefore deemed it appropriate to broach the subject tactfully and break the news to Jixyl in the most sympathetic way possible.

He decided that liberally furnishing compliments upon Jixyl and Azleev was a good way to start.  “I just wanna say, right, that’s yous are both totally sound,” Eric flattered.  He directed his attention to Azleev.  “And, like, I’m sorry for kicking you when we first met.”

“No worries,” Azleev shrugged.

“And I’m sorry for thinking yous were gonna kill all mankind when I saw Jerry Springer,” Eric continued.

“Don’t worry about it,” Azleev replied.  “It was a perfectly natural reaction seeing as how you didn’t really know us that well.”

“Aye, no worries,” Jixyl
responded.  “People are always assuming that I’m a genocidal maniac when they first meet uz.  It’s an easy mistake to make.”

“Aye but I’m sorry anyway,” Eric apologised.  “But anyway, now that I know yous I’ve realised that yous are totally sound and all that.  And I, like, just wanna say cheers for helping uz try to come up with a way to stop the Femlings from killing all humans.”

“And all carrots,” Jixyl added.

“Aye, and all carrots,” Eric acknowledged.  “Although I have to admit, the majority of my gratitude is based on your attempts to save humans and only a very small part of my gratitude is for your attempts to save the carrots.”

“Well thanks for your gratitude,” Azleev smiled.