How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (22 page)

“I’ll just have to let my mates know first,” he remarked.  “I’ll just be two seconds.”

“Okay,” Annabel nodded.

So Eric quickly dashed back to Jixyl and Azleev to let them know of the latest
developments.

“Hey, guess what?  Totally fluky, like!  That lass wants to go for a meal with uz,” he beamed.  “So d’you mind hanging about for a bit and then just meeting up again in a couple of hours?”

“Well what about your chicken platter?” Azleev pointed out.  He nodded at Eric’s meal, which the waitress had brought to their table a few minutes ago.

“Well, really I’m not that fussed about the chicken platter,” Eric admitted.  “I just wanted to perv on the bikini mud wrestling.”

Jixyl didn’t seem quite as happy for Eric as he had expected.  “We’ll hang on for a couple of hours but if it’s any longer than that then we’ll have to head off cos I’ve got to be back on Fyra for a lecture tomorrow, so make sure it’s no longer than a couple of hours,” he ordered.

“Ar,” Eric faltered, looking slightly disappointed.  “You see, when I said a couple of hours, what I was secretly meaning was that I’d say a couple of hours but then hopefully by then me and Annabel would be getting on really well and I’d get invited back to her room and then I’d just meet yous in the morning.”

“Well sorry, but I’ve got a lecture tomorrow so that’s not possible,” Jixyl repeated.

“Nar but, like, she’s really fit,” Eric explained, as if Jixyl hadn’t quite grasped the situation.

“Aye, I know,” Jixyl acknowledged.  “I saw her wrestling.”

“So, like, d’you not reckon hang on ’til the morning then?” Eric suggested once again.

“No, I’ve already explained,” Jixyl replied.  “I can’t.”

“But she’s really fit, man,” Eric re-repeated.

“Well yeah, but what can I do?” Jixyl shrugged.  “Do you want uz to miss my lecture, like?”

“Well yeah … obviously,” Eric shrugged back, failing to realise why Jixyl thought this was such a big deal.  “She’s really fit, man.”

“I can’t miss my lecture, man,” Jixyl maintained.  “I’ve got important exams coming up in a few weeks.”

“Aye, but she’s really fit, man,” Eric remarked, seemingly unaware that he had already pointed this out on numerous occasions already.

“Here, man!  I can’t miss my lecture!” Jixyl snapped, finally losing his patience.

“Hey, I don’t believe you, like!” Eric snapped back.  “You’re being a total snide!”

“Can you not make your own way back home?” Azleev suggested, trying to be helpful.

“From Las Vegas?  Nar, course not.  I haven’t got my passport,” Eric pointed out.

“Well you should have brought it with you, then,” Jixyl proclaimed.

“Well I would have done if I’d realised you were going to be a total snide, like,” Eric replied, “but I foolishly thought you were canny sound.”

“Well sorry but that’s just the way it is,” Jixyl retorted.

“You can still go for a meal with her,” Azleev
consoled.

“Well yeah, but what’s the point of that?” Eric shrugged.  “I don’t know how it works on your planet but on Earth we don’t look at a lass and think, ‘Mmm, she’s nice.  I’d like to go for a romantic meal with her.’  We look at a lass and think, ‘Mmm, she’s fit.  I’d like to get down to some hot jiggy style lovin’ with her,
’ but if I say that to her face she’ll probably think I’m totally shallow and one-dimensional so I’ll get no action, so rather than be honest with her I’ll pretend I want to go for a romantic meal with her in the hope of greater things to follow.”

“Well yeah, that’s how it works on Fyra as well,” Jixyl acknowledged, “but what can I do?  I’ve got a lecture.”

“Hey, I cannit believe you, like!” Eric snapped, and he stormed off in the direction of Annabel.  After taking a few steps he turned back and remarked, “She’s really fit, man!” then carried on walking towards Annabel, shaking his head as he did.

Annabel could tell by Eric’s face that he was upset about something, “What’s up?” she asked.

“My total idiot mates are being total idiots,” Eric explained.  “We’re meant to be going to L.A. tomorrow morning but they’ve decided to head off now so I’m soz but we can’t go for a meal cos they’ve got the car so I have to go with them.”  Strictly speaking, I suppose you could argue that this was a flawed and inaccurate excuse, on the basis that it was totally made up, but Eric figured it was nicer to let Annabel think he did actually want to have a meal with her but unfortunately circumstances had conspired against him, rather than come clean and admit that he just wanted to sleep with her and now that that wasn’t an option he had no interest in spending his money on her any more.

“Ar, well I‘m going to L.A. tomorrow as well,” Annabel revealed, “so I could drop you off if you want.”

“Where would I stay tonight, though?” Eric queried.

“You could sleep
at my place,” Annabel suggested.

“Ar, right!  Excellent!” Eric exclaimed, momentarily forgetting that his story about going to L.A. was a total lie, and that his actual problem was that he was passportless.

“So where do you want to go for something to eat?” Annabel asked.

Eric then suddenly felt gutted as he remembered that his real problem was a lack of a passport, not a lift to L.A.  “Em … well, I’m not bothered.  You can just decide and I’ll just go and tell my mates that I’ll just meet them tomorrow while you’re deciding,” he remarked.

So Eric dashed quickly back to Jixyl and Azleev.  “Here, we need to leave quickly,” he ordered.

“Why, like?” Jixyl inquired.

“Cos I told her I had to leave now cos yous are going to L.A., so she’s offered to let uz sleep at hers tonight and then give uz a lift to L.A. tomorrow,” Eric revealed.

“She’s up for spending the night with you?” Azleev
asked.

“Well there’s been no categoric agreement of any definite action or anything,” Eric clarified, “but it’s a step in the right direction.”

“Nice one!” Jixyl congratulated.

“Aye, well it would be … if my story about L.A. was actually true and you weren’t being a snide!” Eric pointed out, feeling annoyed that Jixyl had the cheek to congratulate him on a potential situation which wasn’t going to happen purely because of Jixyl’s stubbornness.

“Well, here!  Don’t take it out on me!” Jixyl snapped back.  “You shouldn’t have told her a load of patter about going to L.A.”

“Well I could ha
rdly say, ‘Ar, nar, actually I’m not really travelling round America.  I actually got here on a spaceship cos my two mates are actually aliens and they’ve got to be back on their planet by tomorrow so that’s why I really have to leave now, cos one of them’s a snide,’ cos if I told her that it would totally spoil my chances with her cos she’d think I was mental.”

“Well running away is hardly likely to help your chances with her either, like,” Jixyl pointed out.

“Aye, true, I suppose,” Eric realised.  “I suppose I should really go back and tell her the truth.”

“You can’t tell anyone about us,” Azleev instructed, looking slightly concerned.  “Earth’s a non-contact planet.  We could get into trouble.”

“Don’t worry.  She won’t believe uz,” Eric replied.  “She’ll just think I’m mental.”

“Well is that not a
bad
thing?” Jixyl questioned.

“Well yeah, but at least then she won’t think I’ve bombed her out,” Eric remarked.  “Trust uz … Earth lasses totally hate getting bombed out, like.  She’ll definitely prefer to think I’m just a mental freak rather than feel rejected.  Earth lasses hate rejection more than they hate meeting mental freaks.”

“But will she not just think you’re
pretending
to be a mental freak and that actually you’re really just a coward who’s too scared to tell her the truth and admit that you’re actually just bombing her out?” Jixyl proposed.

“Ar, aye.  Man.  She might,” Eric admitted.

“Look, you can’t tell her we’re aliens,” Azleev reaffirmed.

“I t
hink I’d better go back anyway,” Eric decided, “just to avoid getting bad karma.”

So Eric walked back across to the changing room to speak to Annabel again.

“You seemed to be a while,” she observed.  “I thought you might have changed your mind.”

“Ar … er, nar,” Eric muttered.  “I was just getting my mates off the scene.”  He then paused.  “Look, you’re gonna think I’m mental when I say this but I swear it’s the truth … and I’m only telling you cos you seem really nice so you deserve to know the truth … but anyway …”  Eric stared at Annabel’s face and deliberated on how exactly to bring up the subject of aliens.  “Well, you see…”  Annabel stared at Eric expectantly.  “Well, basically…”  Eric took a deep breath and composed himself to tell Annabel the truth.  “Well … like, when I asked you if you fancied going for a meal I basically just wanted to have sex with you.”  As you may have noticed, at the last minute Eric decided that discussing aliens was a bad idea.

“Why did you swear it’s the truth?” Annabel inquired.  “Did you not think I would believe you?”

Eric realised that the start of his confession didn’t fit too well with the end of the confession.  “No, it’s just…”  He racked his brains for an explanation for this apparent inconsistency in his patter.

“Cos I mean it’s hardly unusual for a guy to want to have sex with me,” Annabel declared.  This may have sounded rather arrogant but she wasn’t an arrogant person.  She was merely being truthful.  If anything it was simply an acknowledgement of the psychology of men, rather than a boast regarding her own attractiveness.

“Ar, yeah.  I know…”

“And why would I think you were mental for wanting to have sex with me?” Annabel quizzed, looking quite confused.

“Em…”  Eric realised that this aspect of his inconsistent patter could possibly be construed as being quite cheeky.

“Are you saying I’m not attractive?” Annabel asked.

“Nar, course not.  I just meant…  Like…”  Eric racked his brains frantically for an explanation.  “Well … just, like … em, you know, like … you obviously won’t think I’m mental for
wanting
to have sex with you.  I just meant you probably might think I’m mental for
admitting
it.”  Eric was fairly pleased with this hastily concocted explanation.  “Just cos, like, most dudes act all sincere and deep and all that when really we’re just shallow and full of patter.  But I just suddenly thought what’s the point of lying so I thought I might as well be honest.”

“Well I appreciate your honesty,” Annabel acknowledged.  “So anyway, do you wan
t to skip the meal?”

Eric’s brain ticked over for a moment until he realised what Annabel was suggesting.  “Ar, class!” he exclaimed, not even bothering to act cool about this rather appealing amendment to the schedule.

“And seeing as how we’re being all honest I need to come clean as well.  I’m not really going to L.A. tomorrow,” Annabel confessed.

“So how were you gonna drop uz off, then?” Eric asked.

“I wasn’t,” Annabel admitted, sharing Eric’s sudden alleged desire for honesty.

“Eh!  So you were just gonna let uz get stuck here in Vegas!?” Eric shrieked, feeling rather put out.  “Eh!  That was canny snidey, like!”

“Well, no.  The Greyhound bus is only sixty dollars,” Annabel shrugged.

Eric was quite upset by Annabel’s deceit, even though he himself wasn’t being entirely honest with her.  Yes, it was true that he wanted to have sex with her, but he still hadn’t told her about his alien companions.

“Eh!” Eric repeated.  “What if the Greyhound was sold out?”

Annabel considered this scenario.  “I didn’t really think about that,” she confessed.  “But anyway, would it really be such a hardship to spend an extra day with me?”

Eric smiled.  “Well … no.”

“Anyway, are we going to mine or yours?” she asked.

“Em … yours is probably best, like,” Eric replied.  “But can we be less than two hours, though?  Just cos that way I can still get a lift with my mates.  Just in case the Greyhound is fully booked.”

“I thought you just said it wouldn’t be a hardship to spend an extra day with me,” Annabel queried.

“Well it’s not … but it would mean another sixty dollars and I’m on a bit of a tight budget,” Eric bluffed, thinking on his feet.

“I thought you said you’d had a bit of good luck on the pokies and were feeling quite flush,” Annabel re
called, spotting yet another flaw in Eric’s quickly concocted story.

“Em…” Eric stuttered, as he struggled to think of yet another lie to dig himself out of the hole he was rapidly digging himself into.

Meanwhile, Jixyl and Azleev were discussing the current developments.

“We could have left in the morning and still made it back in time for your lecture, you know,” Azleev remarked.

“Yeah, I know,” Jixyl acknowledged, “but I just thought it was better to keep Eric needy and desperate for when he starts his mission.  Cos, like, if he gets loads of action while he’s still on Earth then he might not be quite so eager once he gets to Fem.”
[40]