How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (25 page)

Eric’s face dropped.

“But that’s not to say that you
couldn’t
do a bit of spanking if you wanted to,” Jixyl quickly added.  “I mean, not that you’d want to ... obviously.  But just for the purposes of maintaining your cover, it might be best if you did a
little
bit of spanking ... just to fit in, you know.”

“Yeah, I see what you mean,” Eric nodded, thoughtfully.  “It might look suspicious if I didn’t do
any
spanking.”

“Exactly!” Jixyl agreed.  “So does that mean you’re gonna do it?”

“Hmm,” Eric pondered.  The last few minutes had given him a lot to take in and he therefore didn’t want to rush into anything.  “And they’re definitely fit, these Femling lasses, are they?” he asked, before quickly adding, “Not that I’m bothered, like.  Obviously saving the world is my only consideration.  How fit the lasses are isn’t an issue.”

“Good,” Azleev replied.

Eric was expecting Azleev to elaborate but no elaboration was forthcoming.  A few moments of silence therefore passed before Eric broke the silence.  “But are they, though?” he pressed.

“Are they what?” Jixyl replied, being deliberately awkward.

“Fit?” Eric clarified.  Not that any clarification was required.  Jixyl knew exactly what Eric was asking.  He just enjoyed being awkward.

“I thought you said that wasn’t an issue
,” Azleev mentioned.

“Ar, yeah.  It’s not,” Eric
answered, before asking once again a few moments later, “but are they, though?”

“I thought you said saving the wo
rld was your only consideration,” Azleev recalled.

“Ar, yeah.  It is,” Eric lied.  “But just out of curiosity.”

“Don’t worry.  Femling lasses are totally fit,” Jixyl finally assured Eric.  “To use your cream analogy from the other day … the cream of Earth is a match for the cream of Fem … but on Ko Pagna where you’ll be based you’ll find there’s a lot more cream.”

“Well, I mean I obviously realise where my responsibilities lie, like,” Eric quickly
concluded, his voice once again suddenly full of enthusiasm.

“So does that mean you’re gonna do it, then?” Jixyl asked.

“Well, I mean … it’s, like, still a lot to get my head round, you know,” Eric shrugged.  He thought for a moment.  “Like, do I need to decide right now, do I?  Like, can I not have some time to think about it first?”

“Look, we need to get started as soon as possible,” Jixyl
pressed.  “The Femlings aren’t gonna hang around so neither can we.”

“I tell you what,” Azleev proposed.  “How about you sleep on it?  We can do some sight-seeing tonight and then we’ll come back tomorrow morning to see how you feel about it then.”

“Aye, I suppose,” Eric agreed.

“But we can’t hang about for long,” Jixyl warned.  “And it’s a canny long trek back to Fyra so we can’t keep coming back to Earth either.  Once we leave, that’s it.  You have to be committed to the plan.”

“Ar, yeah.  I understand,” Eric acknowledged.

“Have a think about it tonight,” Azleev advised.  “But I think you know what you have to do.”

Azleev was right.  Eric knew what he had to do.

He had to talk it over with his mates.

Monty noticed straight away that Eric’s face wasn’t as excited and as optimistic as it had been before.  Now Eric looked slightly worried.  Even a little bit scared.

“What’s up?”
Monty asked.  “Is the plan no good, is it?”

“Or is it dangerous, like, is it?” Garth inquired.  He had come round to Monty’s once he had heard about the new developments.

“Nar, it’s not dangerous,” Eric answered.  “I’m just not sure whether I want to go through with it or not.”

“What’s the plan, like?” Monty quizzed.

“I have to go and live on a sunny beach resort on the planet Fem for a few months and go out every night and snog loads of fit lasses,” Eric revealed.

Monty and Garth chuckled.  “Ar, of course!  It seems so obvious now!” Monty joked, sarcastically.  “I don’t know why we didn’t think of that earlier!”

“Nar, seriously.  What’s the plan?” Garth pressed.

“Seriously!  That’s the plan!” Eric insisted.

“And how’s that gonna save the Earth?” Monty inquired.

“Ar ... I forgot to mention that Jixyl and Azleev have come up with this disease which kills Femlings, but humans are immune to it.  And it’s transmitted by saliva, so they’re gonna give me the
virus and then when I hopefully snog loads of lasses that’s gonna implant it in the Femling population and hopefully set off a chain reaction of infection.  And then hopefully they’ll all die before they get a chance to kill us.”

Monty and Garth looked at each other with wide eyes as they took in Eric’s revelations.  It took them a few moments to digest the information.  It was Monty who eventually spoke first.  “Eh!  Fuck!  So you’re not joking?  You’re
actually
being serious?  You
do
actually have to go and party it up in the sunshine and snog loads of fit lasses to save the Earth?”

“Yeah,” Eric nodded.

“So can I just ask one question?” Monty responded.

“What?” Eric shrugged.

“Are you absolutely mental!?” Monty exclaimed.

“Nar, course not
,” Eric replied.  “What d’you mean?”

“Usually when someone has to save the world it involves fighting a big, scary monster with big fangs and laser beams coming from its eyes.  Or they have to fly through the dangerous depths of space in an ancient spaceship and take on a hundred alien spaceships ten times more powerful than theirs.”  Monty paused for effect.  “But you ... you have to party it up for a few months in the sun snogging loads of fit lasses ... and you’re not sure if you want to do it?  You’re mental!  You are!  You’re completely mental!”

“Eric, it’s like you’ve won the lottery but you’re not sure if you want to claim your winnings,” Garth added.

“I know but it just feels a bit snidey.  That’s all,” Eric explained.  “It’s, like, I’m gonna be directly responsible for killing them all.”

“Yeah, but they want to kill all us, don’t they?” Monty pointed out.  “So tough shit on them!  You live by the sword, you die by the sword.”

“Aye, but only ninety nine percent of them support this ‘killing anyone with an inferior quality of life’ lark,” Eric
revealed.  “The other one percent are ambivalent.”

“Eric, I know it sounds harsh,” Garth countered, “but it’s like Monty says … tough shit on the ambivalent one percent.  Basically, I don’t want to die so if that means you have to kill an alien species which the vast majority of are evil, then you have to do it.”

“Aye, I suppose you’re right,” Eric sighed.

“And what you’ve got to remember,” Monty added, “is that you’ll be partying it up in the sunshine snogging loads of fit lasses!  You’ll be living the dream!  Living’s every man’s fantasy!”

“Aye, I suppose that’s one consolation,” Eric admitted.

“Consolation?” Monty
exclaimed, looking mystified.  ”Eh?  How’s that a consolation?  That’s the star prize!”  Monty then proceeded to tell an ironic story to emphasise his point.  “Ar, yeah.  I forgot to tell yous...  My boss called uz into his office the other day and offered uz a ten grand a year pay rise.  But as a consolation he also offered uz twenty extra days holiday and a company car.”

“Hey, you’re just like Jixyl, you, like, Monty,” Eric observed.

“Is he a dashingly good looking fellow as well, like, is he?” Monty smirked.

“Nar, he’s a proper sarky nowt!” Eric replied.  “Anyway though, I wouldn’t have a company car if I was you, like.  You get totally hit for tax.”

“It was actually a made-up story,” Monty clarified.  “I was just being sarcastic.”

“Aye, I know,” Eric remarked.  “I’m just saying though, I wouldn’t have a company car.  It totally eats up your tax allowance.”

“I don’t understand you, Eric,” Monty mused, shaking his head.  “You’ve just had some life-defining news and you’re going on about company cars.”

“Well you brought the subject up, like,” Eric contended.

“Aye, as a sarcastic story to illustrate my point,” Monty replied.  “Look, getting back to my point, all I’m saying is that you don’t seem to understand the meaning of the word ‘consolation.’  Consolation is, like, when you don’t get a penalty but you get a corner instead.  It’s not when you have to go and live in paradise.”

“Aye, you’re right, I suppose,” Eric conceded.

“So are you gonna do it, then, are you?” Monty asked.

“I suppose I’ve got to really, haven’t I?” Eric shrugged.

“Yeah, it’s such a chore,” Monty joked.

Eric just laughed.

“So have you just got to snog them, then?” Garth asked.  “Or do you have to have sex as well?”

“Nar, I just have to snog them,” Eric clarified.  “The
virus is transmitted by saliva.”  As an afterthought he added, “but that’s not to say that I
can’t
have sex with them.  Well ... if it wasn’t for my totally useless pulling skills, that is.”

Garth’s mind was full of questions.  “And do they breathe oxygen on this other planet, do they?” he inquired.

“Ar ... er, nar.  They breathe carbon monoxide,” Eric joked.  “So basically within two minutes of uz landing I’ll be dead.  That’s the one flaw in the plan.  But other than that it’s a foolproof plan.”

“Alright, I was only asking,” Garth snapped, in response to Eric’s irony.

“I’m not the only one that’s a sarky nowt,” Monty noted.

Normally Eric would have been inclined to continue with the sarcasm, but this night he had more important things on his mind.  “Well anyway, they want uz to leave tomorrow morning,” he revealed, “so seeing as how this is gonna be my last night on Earth for a few months, do yous fancy going out for a few beers for a sort of a leaving do?”

“Do you think that’s wise?” Garth cautioned.  “If you have to be up early in the morning to fly across the galaxy then you don’t want to be having a hangover.”

“Ar, I’m not saying we make it a wild night,” Eric clarified.  “Just a couple of quiet beers.  That’s all.”

The three friends all agreed that an impromptu leaving do was a wise decision.  They also agreed that it was an equally wise decision to make it a low key affair to ensure Eric felt fine in the morning for the start of his adventure.

Eight pints later Garth reminded Eric of this earlier agreed fact.  “I thought you said it was a wise decision to make it a quiet night and just stick to a couple of beers.”

“I did,” Eric acknowledged.  “And I stand by what I said.  It
was
a wise decision to just stick to a couple of beers.  Luckily though, I’m not confined by the path of wisdom.  I’m free to wander onto the path of stupidity and it’s a freedom I like to take advantage of from time to time.”

“And this is the dude we’re relying on to save mankind,” Monty remarked, shaking his head.

“Don’t worry, I take my responsibilities very seriously,” Eric insisted.  “So … are you getting the beers in?”

“Do you think that’s wise?” Monty cautioned.

“No, it’s quite foolish,” Eric replied, “but like I say, I’m free to occasionally frequent the path of stupidity.”

“Occasionally?” Monty queried with eyebrows raised, but he eventually gave in to Eric’s persistence and headed off to get the round in.

At that moment a group of about six lasses in sexy novelty costumes came and sat at the group of chairs to the left of Eric.  Eric and Garth glanced at each other with smiley wide-eyed faces and gave each other subtle nods to indicate that they were particularly impressed by the fashion sense of the lasses.

Eric shuffled along closer to a lass dressed as a sexy bumble bee.  “Are yous out on a hen night?” he asked.

“Yeah.  How did you guess?” the bumble bee replied.

“Ar, just cos yous look, like, canny happy and all that ... and I know lasses are really into weddings and stuff, so I thought that must be why yous are so happy,” Eric mumbled.

“Yeah, that’s my mate who’s getting married,” the bumble bee indicated, nodding across the table at a sexily dressed angel.  The skimpiness of her outfit suggested she wasn’t quite as angelic as the subject of her dress sense professed.

“Congratulations!” Eric cheered, raising his pint.

“Thanks,” the angel replied.

“We’re
out for my leaving do,” Eric remarked, turning his attention once again to the bumble bee.

“Ar, are you?” the bumble bee replied.  “
Do you mean you’re leaving Newcastle, like?  Or have you just got a new job?”

“Well, sort of both,” Eric replied.  “I’ve got to go and live on an alien planet for a few months and snog loads of fit lasses, cos these other aliens who are on our side are gonna put a disease in uz first which is transmitted by saliva so that’s why I have to snog all the fit lasses, so that I hopefully infect the aliens with this disease and kill them all.”