How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (27 page)

“Look, man.  You’re going there to snog loads of lasses, not strut up the catwalk,” Jixyl pointed out.

“Yeah, but fashion and pulling are intrinsically linked,” Eric explained.  “Trust uz, I’ve spent plenty of time on beach resorts in my time and most of the dudes just wear novelty souvenir t-shirts and boring beach shorts.  If you go out with some sharp styles on and all the other dudes are dressed like unimaginative, uninspired sheep then you’ve already given yourself an advantage.”

“Yeah, he’s right,” Azleev admitted.

“Course I’m right,” Eric boasted.  “It makes you stand out, it makes you look confident and, possibly the most important factor … if you pay a lass a compliment on her outfit and you’re wearing an excellent outfit yourself, then
your
compliment means ten times more than the compliment from the daft chump in the novelty t-shirt.”

“Aye, I suppose that’s true,” Jixyl conceded.

“So all I’m saying is give uz a couple of days in Sumai City to assess Femling fashion trends and then do a bit of shopping, and it’ll be time and money well spent,” Eric reasoned.

“Yeah, fair enough,” Azleev
agreed.  “Do that, then.”

“Don’t go crazy with the cash, though,” Jixyl insisted.

“Don’t worry.  That’s part of my fashion philosophy,” Eric replied.  “Anyone can look good if they spend a lot of money.  But if you
don’t
spend much and still look good then that shows that you know your stuff when it comes to fashion and don’t just use expensive labels as a sort of an easy safety net.”

“Here, have you heard yourself?” Jixyl chuckled.  “You think you’re a proper expert.”

“Well I am,” Eric shrugged.

What with this being a book you haven’t had a chance to see how Eric dresses so he may have come across as being a little bit arrogant with his last statement, but Eric didn’t see it that way.  In his eyes he was just being honest.

Like he had often pointed out to people who accused Noel Gallagher of being arrogant, Oasis have got a load of songs which are blatantly excellent, so when Noel describes them as such he’s only being honest.  If he described his songs as merely average or even moderately okay then he would be being a liar, so he’s in a bit of a no-win situation really.

And this was also the situation Eric saw himself in when it came to fashion.  He genuinely had a high opinion of his fashion sense, so to pretend otherwise would be being
dishonest.  And in Eric’s eyes arrogance was less of an evil than dishonesty.

Anyway, Jixyl and Azleev were convinced by his arguments and so the plan was altered slightly to allow for a couple of days in Sumai City for Eric to get kitted out in sharp threads.

6)  The final stage of the plan was that Eric would go out every night (wearing his sharp new clothes) and snog loads of Femling lasses to infect them with the Telix-17 virus and hopefully initiate the death of the Femling species.  Or at the very least, spread the virus to enough of the population to force them into diverting scientific resources away from creating a disease to kill mankind and instead towards finding a cure for the Telix-17 virus.

I suppose you’re thinking now, ‘Ar, well thanks for telling uz the story and spoiling it for uz, like,’ but as pointed out earlier this was only the plan.

And on Fem, as on Earth, very few plans go exactly to plan.

‘The Department of Driving Licences

Marrick Street

Woolton

Georgeland

The Planet Fyra

Dear D.D.L.

In accordance with item 3(ii) (conditions of validity) of my driving licence, I am writing to inform you of some recent changes to my circumstances.

You will be delighted to hear that I recently lost half a stone and have therefore gone down a dress size.  I have also had blonde highlights put in my hair which really compliment my delicate complexion.

I would be obliged if you could therefore update your records and if you require any further information regarding the recent changes to my circumstances please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Faithfully

Pasha Wilmox’

Healey Stetta, Pasha’s friend, looked up from reading the letter and smiled at Pasha.  “No, man.  That’s not the type of change of circumstances they mean,” Healey explained.  “They mean, like, if you change your address or get
penalty points on your licence or anything like that.”

“Don’t worry.  I know what they mean,” Pasha replied.  “But it’s all part of a bigger plan.”  A smug grin appeared on Pasha’s face.  “This is the first step towards me making myself a nice little fortune.”

Healey looked confused…

. . . . . . .

“Good book?” Azleev asked, turning around from his control seat to address Eric.

“Aye, it’s alright,” Eric replied.  “It’s a bit daft but that’s alright cos I like daft books.  There should be more daftness in the world in my opinion.”

“Anyway, we’ll be there in about fifteen minutes,” Azleev announced.  “And you said you wanted to watch the descent into Fyra’s atmosphere.”

Eric had been reading the latest e-novel, ‘Happiness Must Be Vigorously Pursued’ by popular
Fyraling author, Neb Belton, on his mobile phone and he was quite enjoying it, but quickly put his phone down despite his enjoyment as he was understandably excited about the prospect of landing on an alien planet.

“Flip!  A few more minutes and I’m gonna be on a different planet,” he
gushed.  “Like … flip!”

“Yeah,” Azleev replied.

“Flip, this is gonna be class, this, like!” Eric enthused.

“It’s not a holiday though, remember,” Jixyl reminded him.  “You’re coming here as part of your mission.  It’s not about having a class time.  It’s all about saving the Earth.”

“Ar, yeah,” Eric agreed.

And then something occurred to him which he hadn’t yet considered.  “I’ve just thought…” he announced.  “What about the ugly Femlings?”

Jixyl and Azleev looked confused.  “What about them?” Azleev quizzed.

“Well surely they’ll slip the net,” Eric
suggested.  “Like, there must be a canny few ugly Femlings that never score cos they’re so ugly.  Well surely therefore they’re not gonna catch the Telix-17 virus.”

“Trust us … the vast majority of the Femling population are attractive,” Azleev reassured Eric.

“Yeah honestly, once you start the ball rolling the vast majority of the Femlings will soon be dead,” Jixyl added.  “All the variables are loaded against them.  The Telix-17 virus has a near one hundred percent success rate for infection through snogging.  And, like, there’s even a one percent chance of infection from social kissing.  And social kissing is canny common on Fem.”

“What?  Like, even between dudes?” Eric inquired, looking slightly perturbed.

“Well, no.  Obviously just between lasses,” Jixyl clarified.

“Mmm,” Eric smiled, as the concern in his face was quickly replaced by an altogether more appreciative expression.

“And another thing in our favour is the timescale of the disease,” Azleev added.  “From the moment of infection it takes the Telix-17 virus six months before it kills its victim.  And for the first five months of infection the carrier appears perfectly healthy, which means five months for them to infect other Femlings.  Trust us, if you pull this off then within a couple of years the Femling population will be decimated.”

“Yeah, but surely no matter how good the variables are in our favour, there must surely still be a few ugly Femlings that are gonna be saved from infection by their ugliness,” Eric insisted.

“Even ugly people get
some
action,” Jixyl argued.

“Yeah,
some
of them,” Eric conceded, “but not
all
of them.  All I’m saying is there must surely be one or two that’ll slip through the net.”

“Well if there
is
a handful that survive their priority isn’t going to be killing every living thing on Earth, is it?” Azleev highlighted.  “Their priority is going to be repopulating Fem.”

Eric’s mind ticked over for a few moments.  “Aye, I suppose,” he finally
acknowledged.  “That’d be a gutter, like, wouldn’t it?  Like, imagine if you had to repopulate a planet.  You’d be, like, ‘Ar, class!  Get in!  Constant fun …
and
with an honourable purpose!’  But then if someone was, like, ‘Ar, but there’s just one drawback … they’re all ugly,’ then you’d be, like, ‘Ar, total gutter!’  It’d be a total conflict of emotions.”

“Yeah,” Jixyl chuckled in agreement.

Eric was quiet for a few moments before another question entered his head.  “So will I need that fake passport for when we land, then?” he asked.

“That’s for when you go to Fem,” Azleev explained.  “The Femlings
have got Fyra down as next on their list after Earth, remember? So if you tried to use a Femling passport on Fyra you wouldn’t be too popular.”

“So have you got uz a fake Fyraling passport as well, have you?” Eric asked.

“No,” Jixyl answered.

“What, then?” Eric inquired, curiously.

“We’re just gonna smuggle you in,” Jixyl revealed.

“Seriously?”  Eric didn’t like the sound of this.

“Well, aye.  What else can we do?  It’s the only option,” Jixyl explained.

“Is that not a bit dodgy, though?” Eric que
ried, starting to get mildly concerned.

“Only if we get caught … but we’ll probably not get caught, like,” Jixyl reassured Eric.

Eric didn’t feel very reassured, however.  “Eh! 
Probably?
  That’s not very reassuring,” he remarked.

“Look, man.  The
immigration authorities have only reported three cases of people smuggling in the last twelve months,” Jixyl pointed out.

“Ar, I don’t like the sound of this, like,” Eric commented, nervously.  “What happens if we get caught?”

“Well…”  Jixyl paused, and it has to be said he looked very uncomfortable.  “Don’t worry.  Like I say, we’ll probably not get caught.”

“Look, we’ll be within range of the Planetary Orbital Monitoring System in a few minutes, so you’ll have to be quiet,” Azleev ordered.

“Ar, this sounds dodgy, this, like,” Eric worried.  “In fact that’s why you won’t tell uz what happens if we get caught, isn’t it?  It’s cos it’s totally dodgy.”

“Look, fair enough … I’ll admit the last couple of people they caught they decided to put down,” Jixyl admitted, “but…”

“Put down!” Eric screeched, clearly extremely alarmed at this unpleasant revelation.  “Flip!  I’m not a pet, you know!  In fact, nar!  I’ve changed my mind!  I wanna go back to Earth!”

“You’ve got nothing to worry about, man,” Jixyl insisted.  “You’re an enemy of the Femlings and an enemy of the Femlings is a friend of the Fyralings.  At the worst they’d probably send you to the prison planet of Incarsirus for a few months … but they might even just let you off altogether.”

“Na!  I don’t wanna take the risk,” Eric protested, making his feelings on the matter very clear.  “You didn’t mention any of this when you were telling uz about the plan.  It was all, ‘Oo, you’ll get to live in the sunshine for a few months and snog loads of fit lasses.’  There was no mention of any, ‘Ar, by the way … there’s a chance you might get put down or locked up on some prison planet somewhere.’  Well, nar.  I’m not doing it.  I wanna go back to Earth.”

At this point Jixyl started laughing, which Eric, given his imminent potential impending death or incarceration, found more than a little insensitive.  “Aye, well I’m glad
you
find it so funny but I’ve never found getting killed the greatest source of humour so seriously … turn the ship around cos I’m not doing it.  I didn’t sign up for any danger, like.  I signed up for fun in the sun.”  At this point Eric noticed a wry smile on Azleev’s face, which given that he was generally the more responsible and mature of the two, confused Eric somewhat.  “What’s funny, like?” he asked.

“It’s just a joke,” Azleev confessed.  “Don’t worry, we cleared all the paperwork
in advance.  Besides, like we said, Fyra is the next target of the Femlings’ ‘Quality Of Life’ proposal … so if you manage to pull this off you’d be a hero on Fyra.  Think about it, why would we imprison a hero?  You’re doing it primarily for mankind but we’ve got a vested interest as well, remember?”

A smile of relief broke out on Eric’s face.  A few moments later, however, it was replaced by a look of anger.  “Here!  You’re mental idiots, yous, like!” he exploded.

“Calm down, man,” Jixyl soothed.  “It was just a joke.”

“Ar, aye!  Class joke, like!” Eric replied, meaning the opposite.  “‘By the way there’s a chance you might die.  Nar, man.  Just joking.’  Aye, that was pure comedy genius.”