How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (24 page)

“Ar, excellent,” Eric exclaimed.  “Aye, sound, then.  And d’you reckon yous can definitely come up with this disease before the Femlings come up with theirs, do you?”

“It’s ready now,” Jixyl revealed.

“Flip!” Eric exclaimed.  Since watching The Jerry Springer Show his emotions had been on a roller coaster journey, and although you would generally struggle to find a more optimistic person than Eric, his mood over the last few days had been justifiably negative by his own usually high standards.  Now though, he was finally seeing signs for optimism.  “Right, then.  So just use the disease then, eh ... and, like, problem solved?”

“Not quite,” Azleev replied.  “We still need to implant the
disease into the Femling population.”

“So how d’you do that, then?” Eric inquired.

“It’s transmitted by saliva,” Jixyl disclosed.

“So, like, someone has to go round spitting on all the Femlings, do they?” Eric
questioned, not quite grasping the concept.

Jixyl chuckled at Eric’s miscomprehension.  “It’s transmitted from saliva
to
saliva,” he clarified.  “Not from saliva to skin.”

“Ar, right.”  Eric’s brain ticked over.  “Ar ... right!  You mean, like, snogging?”

“Yeah, through kissing,” Jixyl confirmed.

“Ar, so you have to snog all the Femlings to kill them all?” Eric
queried.

“We don’t need to snog
all
of them,” Azleev explained.  “Just a small sample of the population.  Cos then the infected Femlings will snog other Femlings and so on, and it’ll start a chain reaction until the vast majority of the planet is infected.”

“We estimate that snogging twenty Femlings might be enough to get the wheels in motion,” Jixyl
declared, “but fifty would be better ... and a hundred would be an almost guarantee.”

“...based on the average lifestyle of the average Femling,” Azleev
added.

“Obviously some are a bit more monogamous than others,” Jixyl explained, “and some are a bit more free and easy than others, but based on the average Femling lifestyle those are the figures we predict.”

“Right, so that sounds like a good plan,” Eric endorsed.  “So when are you gonna do it?”

“Unfortunately, there’s one catch,” Azleev
cautioned.  “The disease also kills Fyralings.  The genetic part of ours and the Femlings’ DNA which responds to the virus is almost identical.”

“Gutter,” Eric muttered.  “So it’s a bit like my Death Star plan, then.  Okay in fantasy but flawed in reality.”

Jixyl got to the crunch.  “Humans however...”

Eric’s brain ticked over once again.  “The disease doesn’t kill us?” he asked.

“Exactly!” Azleev confirmed.  “The part of your genetic structure which bypasses your response to the usually intoxicating effects of diquintenol, also plays a key part in your brain’s response, or lack thereof, to the effects of the virus ... effectively making you immune to it.”

“Flip, that’s canny lucky, like,” Eric
remarked.  His brain then ticked over some more.  Then a little bit more.  Until finally he realised where the conversation was going.

His whole body jumped at the enormity of what he suspected Jixyl and Azleev were going to say next.

“Flip!” he exclaimed.  “I think I know what you’re gonna say next!”

“You remember we said the plan relied on your help?” Azleev recalled.

“Flip!  I’m right!” Eric realised.  “I’m the one who has to snog all the aliens, aren’t I!?”

“
We
can’t do it,” Jixyl shrugged.  “The virus would kill us.”

“Ar, fuck!” Eric exclaimed, as the details of the situation struck home.  “Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!”  He took a few moments to compose his thoughts.  “Ar, fucking fuck!  Ar, fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!”

“Is there a problem?” Azleev inquired.

“It’s just...  I dunno,” Eric shrugged.  “It’s just a mad concept to get my head around.”

“You seemed okay with helping when we sent you that text earlier on,” Jixyl reminded him.

“Aye, but that was when I thought the plan would involve, like, a Death Star or s
omething,” Eric replied.  “I didn’t realise I was gonna have to snog loads of alien lasses.”

“So obliterating an entire planet with a Death Star is okay, but snogging a few fit Femling lasses is out of order?” Jixyl queried, with a confused look on his face.  “How’s that?”

“It just seems a bit snidey.  That’s all,” Eric explained.  “It’s, like, a bit inconsiderate on their feelings.”

“Well surely getting your entire planet blown up by a Death Star is inconsiderate on your feelings as well,” Jixyl
reasoned.

“Well, aye,” Eric admitted, “but I mean, like, normally when you snog a lass she assumes it’s because you find her physically attractive, but if she realised you were only snogging her as part of a plan to kill her entire species she’d probably feel a bit huffed.”

“You don’t have to tell them,” Jixyl pointed out.

“Well actually, you
can’t
tell them,” Azleev clarified, “cos that would sort of spoil the plan if you said, ‘Ar, by the way, I only snogged you to infect you with a killer virus as part of a plan to kill your entire species.’  It’s meant to be a covert operation.  That’s sort of integral to the plan.”

Eric still looked less than enthusiastic.

“Look, I’m pretty sure you’d have an excellent time while you were there,” Jixyl pledged.  “To help increase the planet-wide spread of the disease we were gonna suggest you base yourself at Ko Pagna.  That’s, like, the most popular holiday island beach resort for attractive young backpackers on the planet Fem.  That way the lasses you snog will be from all over the planet, which means the disease will be spread over the whole planet as quickly as possible.”

“Flip!  This is mad, this, like,” was all Eric could manage to say.

“So what do you reckon, then?” Azleev asked, pressing for an answer.

Eric let out a deep breath.  “I dunno,” he shrugged.  “Like I said, it just seems a bit snidey, you know.”

“Look, the Femlings want to kill every single living organism on your planet, for no other reason than they reckon your quality of life isn’t high enough. 
That’s
what I call snidey,” Jixyl declared.

“...but you’d just be acting out of self-defence,” Azleev added.

“Yeah, and self-defence isn’t snidey,” Jixyl argued.  “Self-defence is totally commendable.  If nice people just let snidey people kill them all the time then there’d be no nice people left.  Just snidey people.  So the nice people have to use self-defence to maintain the current amount of niceness in the galaxy.”  Azleev nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, I see what you’re saying,” Eric conceded.  “It’s just that I didn’t realise I’d have to play such a hands on role in things.  If I just had to, like, push a button, or sign a form or something, then I’d be totally okay with killing an entire species out of self-defence.  But I’m gonna have to talk to them and stuff.  And, like, once you get to know them as a people that’ll make it much harder to deal with being responsible for their death.”

“I’m canny surprised that you’re reacting like this, like,” Jixyl remarked.  “I got the impression you were selfish and carefree.  I didn’t realise you had a compassionate side.”

“Ar, I
am
selfish, like,” Eric acknowledged, “but only when it doesn’t hurt other people.”

“You’ve got to stop seeing them as people and start looking at them as evil
planetocidal maniacs,” Jixyl suggested.  “That way you’ll find it easier to deal with.”

“I tell you what it is,” Eric remarked.  “It’s the fact that they’re gonna look exactly like humans that makes it so hard.  If they had green scaly skin and claws and stuff then I reckon it’d probably be much easier to do it.”

“So you’ve got a problem with snogging totally fit lasses, but you’d be okay with snogging green scaly skinned creatures?” Jixyl questioned.

Eric chuckled at the realisation of what he had just said.  “I take your point,” he conceded.  “What I meant though was that in an ideal world I’d have to snog totally
fit lasses to kill green scaly skinned aliens.”

“In an ideal world the Femlings wouldn’t be planning to kill the human race,” Azleev pointed out, “but they are.  Cos it’s not an ideal world.  It’s not an ideal galaxy.  It’s an overall pretty decent galaxy spoilt by evil gits like the Femlings.”

“And
you’ve
got a chance to make it an even more decent galaxy,” Jixyl continued, “by getting rid of the Femlings.”

“Or you can make it a worse galaxy by being an ostrich and sticking your head in the sand and pretending there isn’t a problem and just letting the human race get destroyed,” Azleev stated.

“Ar, hey,” Eric remarked.  He wasn’t a big fan of responsibility.  Jixyl had got it right when he suggested that Eric was care-free, but that didn’t mean he was uncaring.  “Is there no
other
plan?” he asked hopefully.  “Like, surely
all
the Femlings can’t be snides.  Like, surely some of them must be nice.  So is there no way we can just kill all the snidey ones and let the nice ones live?”

“That’s the stupid thing,” Azleev answered.  “To talk to them some of them are the nicest people you’ll ever meet.  It’s just that for whatever reason
– maybe it’s built into their DNA or something – they think that they’re racially superior to all other species.”

“Yeah, but surely it’s just the government that wants to kill the human race,” Eric purported.  “We can’t really blame normal people for what their government wants to do.”

“Fem is a democratic planet,” Azleev replied, “and at the last elections the current government won with a landslide ninety three percent of the vote.”

“And the ‘Quality Of Life’ proposal was a key element of their manifesto,” Jixyl added.

“Flip!  Ninety three percent!” Eric repeated.  “What a bunch of snides!”

“And as a matter of interest the leading opposition party, which got six percent of the vote, also supported most of the key elements of the ‘Quality Of Life’ proposal,” Jixyl
revealed.

“Flip!  The total snides!” Eric exclaimed.  “I’m running out of arguments to defend them!”

“And if you’re worried about the remaining one percent...” Jixyl continued, pressing his point home.  “What are they doing to stop it?  Nothing.  They’re not campaigning.  They’re not writing angry protest letters to the government.  They’re just letting the government get on with it.”

“And a spineless coward who just walks past and does nothing to help when he sees someone getting mugged is as guilty as the person doing the mugging,” Azleev proposed.

Eric didn’t quite agree with this last point but he let it go.  “I’m just scared,” he admitted.

“That’s understandable,” Azleev acknowledged.  “But what scares you most … every living thing on Earth being killed or snogging a few fit lasses?”

“You see, you’re talking about snogging a few fit lasses as if it was a regular everyday occurrence, like tying my shoelaces or something,” Eric responded, “but it’s not.  I reckon I only score about once every four months on average, so if you’re saying I ideally need to snog fifty lasses then that would take uz about…”  Eric did some quick sums in his head.  “…sixteen years and eight months.  And the Femlings will have created their disease long before then.”

“But you’ve got to remember that you’d be living on a beach resort and going out every night meeting far more lasses than
you do in everyday life,” Jixyl reasoned.  “And lasses have got a much more ‘up for it’ attitude when they’re in a holiday environment.”

Eric had to admit that
Jixyl had a point.  He still wasn’t convinced, though.  “You see though, I don’t even know a single thing about social etiquette and stuff on their planet,” he remarked.  “Like, how long do you have to talk to a lass before you can make a move?  And, like, can you score through dancing?  You see.  I haven’t got a clue.”

“Don’t worry.  You wouldn’t be dropped in straight at the deep end,” Azleev reassured Eric.  “It’d probably be best if you spent a
few days on our planet first, getting trained up on everything you need to know.”

“But to answer your question, all lasses are different,” Jixyl
commented, “but the general rules of pulling are pretty much the same on Fem as they are on Earth.”

“So they’re not into spanking like on your planet, then?” Eric inquired.

“Ar, yeah.  They’re into spanking,” Jixyl revealed.  “But other than that everything else is pretty much the same as it is on Earth.”

“Ar, well, I mean I’m obviously tempted, like,” Eric quickly
reassessed, before adding just as quickly, “I mean, I’m tempted to save the world … not the spanking stuff, obviously … just saving the world.  I mean I
would
obviously get involved in a bit of spanking if it meant saving the world, like.  But just to save the world ... not for anything else.”

“Don’t worry.  You wouldn’t have to do any spanking,” Azleev reassured Eric.  “Like we said, the disease is spread by saliva.”