How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (34 page)

“Well aye, I’d be relieved,” Zonny admitted, “but it’d be a massive insult as well.”

“What’s Jerga Nedson got to do with Nedlandish lasses?” Eric asked, his eyes looking ready to get slightly annoyed again.

“Nothing, man, Eric,” Zonny retorted, “but the point I’m making is Jerga Nedson can’t afford to be fussy but Sveltish lasses blatantly
can
afford to be fussy, so if they decided to be fussy with me then I wouldn’t be offended.  I’d be
disappointed
… but not offended.”

“Well Nedlandish lasses can afford to be fussy as well,” Eric remarked.

“Well, yeah.  Fair point,” Zonny admitted, “but Sveltish lasses even more so.”

“Aye, fair enough,” Eric finally acknowledged.  “I see what you’re saying, I suppose.”

An interesting potential subject for discussion occurred to Kesta at this point.  “Aye anyway, that’s one we haven’t done yet … top three nationalities.”

“Do you mean for lasses?” Eric quizzed.

“No, I meant for gross domestic output per capita over the last seven fiscal years,” Kesta replied, sarcastically.

Eric smirked.  “That was sarcasm, wasn’t it?” he asked.

“Very perceptive,” Kesta smiled.  “Yeah, it was sarcasm.  I obviously meant top three nationalities for lasses.”

“Well my top two are obviously Sveltish then Nedlandish,” Eric confirmed, “and then for my number three I have to say I reckon Nipponese lasses are class as well, like.”

“Hmm, I’m not too sure about Nipponese lasses, like,” Zonny commented.  “They’re a bit too weird for me.”

“That’s partly why I like them,” Eric revealed.  “I love their fun quirkiness.  And obviously they’ve got class fashion sense as well.”

“Ar, obviously,” Kesta sarcastically agreed.  “That goes without saying.”

“Eric, man.  What’s fashion sense got to do with anything?” Zonny questioned.

“Well I just really fancy lasses that know how to dress well,” Eric explained.  “Good fashion sense can give a lass an extra twenty percent.”

Kesta nodded over towards a lass stood at the bar a few metres away from them.  “Oo, look at the fashion sense on her,” he joked.  “That’s got to be worth an extra twenty percent in anyone’s book.”

Zonny and Hex found this funny but Eric didn’t get the joke.  “You’re joking, aren’t you?” he exclaimed.  “She’s wearing a novelty souvenir t-shirt!”

“Yes, very perceptive once again, Eric,” Kesta replied.  “I
was
joking.”

“I was gonna say, like,” Eric remarked, “cos novelty t-shirts incur a twenty percent penalty.  They certainly don’t get a bonus.”

“Hey, Eric, man.  I don’t know why you’re so fussed about fashion sense, like,” Kesta commented.

At this moment a fit lass wearing a skimpy white bikini with a fluffy bunny tail and fluffy bunny ears walked past.  “So you’re saying you can’t appreciate
her
fashion sense?” Eric queried.

“Well, aye.  Obviously I’m extremely in favour of
her
outfit,” Kesta acknowledged, “but that’s more to do with the flesh to clothes ratio, rather than her sense of style.  Seriously, man.  A fit body’s what you want.  Not smart dress sense.”

“Yeah, I’m not denying that a fit body’s a factor,” Eric agreed, “but a sharp fashion sense is important in the attractiveness stakes as well, like.”

“Well it hasn’t done you much good, has it?” Zonny joked.  This was intended as a cheeky dig at Eric’s poor scoring skills, but Eric took it as a hidden compliment and acknowledgement of his sharp fashion sense.

“Anyway, what’s
your
top three, then?” Eric nodded at Zonny, still feeling smug about the hidden compliment.

“Sveltish number one, obviously,” Zonny replied, “then probably Oztrasian lasses number two.”

“Aye, Oztrasian lasses are excellent, like,” Eric agreed.

“Then how come they weren’t in your top three, then?” Hex inquired.

“Just cos I just seem to click with them on a purely friendly level,” Eric explained.  “Like, they generally don’t seem to fancy uz … but they’re proper sound, like, and they’re obviously canny fit as well, so if they ever start fancying uz then they’d have to be a serious contender for my top three.”

“Sveltish and Nedlandish lasses don’t fancy you either,” Kesta pointed out, “but
they
still made your top three.”

Eric couldn’t help chuckling at this astute observation.  Zonny and Hex also deemed Kesta’s remark chuckleworthy.

“Aye, and I’d probably go for Polskan lasses at number three,” Zonny concluded.  Eric pulled a face.  “What’s wrong with that, like?” Zonny asked.

“Dodgy fashion sense,” Eric replied.

“Eric, man!  I don’t care about fashion sense,” Zonny exclaimed.  “I just like the way Polskan lasses are generally needy and desperate.”

“Aye just cos they come from a comparatively less rich region of Fem,” Eric remarked.  “I like needy desperate lasses myself
– don’t we all – but I like their neediness and desperateness to be hormonally motivated, rather than financially motivated.”

“As long as they’re desperate I don’t care why,” Zonny replied.

“And obviously I was on about short term neediness,” Eric clarified.  “I’m not into long term neediness obviously.”

It was Kesta’s turn next.  “Sveltish number one,” he quickly confirmed, “then I think I’d have to go for Bralizish lasses as my number two.”  Eric pulled another face.  “Is their fashion sense not good enough for you either, like?” Kesta asked.

“It’s partly that, but I’m not that keen on their body language either,” Eric answered.

Zonny, Kesta and Hex started laughing, bemusedly.  “Hey, you’ve got some weird criteria, you, like, Eric,” Hex smirked.

“I mean, don’t get uz wrong … Bralizish lasses tend to have totally fit bodies,” Eric continued, “but it’s, like, when they walk there’s a sort of a wiggle to their walk that I’m not that keen on.”

“That’s what makes them so sexy, man, Eric,” Kesta argued.

“Aye, but it’s not very cool,” Eric asserted, “and I prefer cool to sexy.”

“Well how come you like Sveltish lasses, then?” Hex inquired.

“Cos they’re totally lush,” Eric pointed out.

“Yeah, but they’re totally sexy,” Hex
declared. “And you were just saying you’re not really into sexiness.”

“Nar, don’t get uz wrong.  I like lasses to be sexy,” Eric c
larified, “but Sveltish lasses are just naturally sexy by virtue of the fact that they’re so lush.  They don’t, like, wear loads of make-up.  They don’t dress overly sexy.  They don’t walk with a wiggle, like, as if they want attention.  They don’t
try
to be sexy.  They just
are
sexy.  They’re just so confident and secure in the knowledge that all dudes fancy them that they can afford to be chilled and laidback, and that comes across in their body language. 
That’s
what makes Sveltish lasses sexy,” Eric opined.  “Well … that and their lush fit bodies,” he added, as an afterthought.  “And their lush good looking faces as well, obviously,” he added, as a further afterthought.  “And mebbees their lush sexy accents as well.”

“So in fact it’s not all that patter that you just came out with after all,” Zonny observed.  “It’s just the fact that they’re just generally lush.”

“Hmm, actually … yeah, mebbees,” Eric admitted.

“Anyway, number three is…?” Hex asked, addressing Kesta.

“I’d probably go for Georgish lasses at number three,” Kesta announced.

“Oo … controversial,” Hex mused.

“What’s controversial about that, like?” Kesta asked.

“Just cos I mean … well, yous all come from Georgeland
[61]
,” Hex explained, “and, like, variety is the spice of life and all that.  Not ‘same old, same old.’”

“I know what you’re saying,” Kesta acknowledged, “but I just think there’s a lot of Georgish lasses that rate highly, like.”

“Aye, Georgish lasses are excellent as well, like,” Eric agreed, before adding, “Well … not the average ones, obviously.  The average ones are just average … but the excellent ones are excellent.”

“Once again, Eric’s perceptiveness reaches never-before-seen levels of insight,” Kesta
smirked.

“What about the fairly nice ones?” Hex asked.

“Hmm…” Eric pondered, as he considered his assessment of fairly nice Georgish lasses.  “Aye, fairly nice ones are fairly nice, like.”

Hex was the last to provide his top three nationalities.  “Sveltish number one,” he
stated.

“Oo, controversial,” Kesta joked, mirroring Hex’s own comment from a few moments earlier.  “Picking your own country.”

“It’s not controversial to pick your own country if you come from Sveltland,” Hex explained.

“It’d be controversial
not
to,” Eric added.

“Is that the excellent Sveltish lasses you’re talking about or just the average ones?” Kesta queried, sarcastically.

The question was aimed at Hex but it was Eric who answered it.  “There’s
no
average Sveltish lasses, like.  They’re all lush,” he declared.  “Obviously you’ve got your three subcategories of lushness, i.e. canny lush, totally lush and totally utterly lush … but most Sveltish lasses fall into the second and third subcategories.  The merely canny lush sub-category is comparatively small.”

“Yeah, for once Eric you’re talking sense there, like,” Hex agreed, before adding, “And for my number two I have to say I like Georgish lasses as well.”

“You see, I’m not the only one with good taste,” Kesta smiled.

“I just think Georgish lasses have got a more up-for-it attitude than a lot of other nationalities,” Hex explained, before clarifying, “And I don’t just mean that in a pervy way.  Like, Georgish lasses just seem to always have a really good sense of fun, you know.”

“Aye, they have, like,” Kesta agreed.

“I tell you what else I like about Georgish lasses,” Eric interjected.  “I understand them better than other lasses.  When you haven’t been travelling you think you don’t really understand lasses, and it’s not until you go travelling and meet other nationalities that you realise, ‘Actually, compared to foreign lasses, I understand Georgish lasses quite well.’

Like, with other lasses I’ve probably only got about a two percent understanding of what’s going on inside their heads.  But with Georgish lasses it’s maybe as high as … oo, mebbees even two and a half percent.”  In reality Eric was being harsh on himself, as the true figure was closer to three percent.  Maybe even as high as three and a half percent in some cases.

“And at number three I’d be tempted to go for Flindish lasses,” Hex
concluded, completing the final top three.

“Aye, I have to say, I
do
like Flindish lasses,” Zonny agreed.

“I’ve never really met any,” Eric revealed, “but I’d imagine they’re canny nice.”

“You imagine correctly,” Hex confirmed.

“Actually, I don’t imagine they’re canny nice,” Eric back-tracked.  “What I’d
actually
imagine is that they’re all lesbian sex goddesses.”  He then stared contentedly into space for a few moments.  “No, actually … what I’d
actually
imagine is that they’re all
bi-curious
lesbian sex goddesses.”

“Do they have to be bi-curious lesbians, or could they be bi-curious heterosexuals?” Zonny inquired.

“Hmm…” Eric pondered.  “Actually, that’d make a good ‘Would You Rather?’ question.  Would you rather score with two bi-curious lesbians or score with two bi-curious heterosexual lasses?”

“It depends who’s got the biggest baps,” Zonny joked.

“Nar, seriously,” Eric replied.

“It
seriously
depends on who’s got the biggest baps,” Zonny repeated.

“Well they’ve all got equally fit bodies,” Eric clarified, “but, like, seriously?  Are you more bothered about bap size than bap pertness, are you?”

“What can I say?  I like big baps,” Zonny shrugged.

“You see, I’m more bothered about pertness,” Eric replied.

“Yeah, same here,” Hex agreed.

“I’m not that fussed about size,” Eric continued.  “As long as they’re not freakishly large or anorexically small then they’re fine.”

“Just fine?” Kesta smirked.

“Well, nar, obviously they’re a lot better than just fine.  They’re totally excellent,” Eric corrected, “but anyway, pertness is my main consideration.”

“Don’t get uz wrong,” Zonny replied, “pertness is an important factor as well, but size is my top priority.”

“I can appreciate all sizes,” Eric commented, “although I have to admit, slightly bigger baps are better for s
queezing and slightly smaller baps are better for sucking.”

“You’ve obviously conducted a lot of research on the matter,” Hex suggested.

“Not as much as I’d have liked, alas,” Eric admitted.  “And I’d say as well … slightly smaller baps are better for fashion purposes.  It’s easier for a lass to dress really cool if she’s got slightly smaller baps.”