How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (35 page)

Zonny, Kesta and Hex just looked at each other open-mouthed in disbelief.  It was
Hex who eventually spoke.  “Hey Eric, sometimes I wonder which planet you come from.”

Eric couldn’t help giggling at the irony of Hex’s unintentionally perceptive comment.  He eventually managed to get his giggling fit under control, though.

“Aye, you’re spot on there, like, Eric,” Kesta sarcastically agreed.  “When I scored with that lass with generously proportioned baps the other night, I couldn’t help thinking, ‘Hey, her outfit’s crap, like.  If only she had smaller baps.’”

“Well, nar, obviously I don’t think like that when I’m horny,” Eric explained, “but, like, now when I’m not horny and I can be objective, then smaller baps are definitely better for fashion purposes.”  He then, however, thought of an example that contradicted what he had just said.  “
Although actually … that’s just a generalisation though, not a hard and fast rule.  Cos Appa Hat’s baps are a decent size and she’s still got totally class fashion sense, like.”

“Who’s Appa Hat?” Zonny inquired.

“It’s this Sveltish lass that Eric’s got a total crush on,” Kesta revealed.

“I haven’t got a crush on her.  I just think she’s really, really attractive,” Eric nit-picked.  “And, like, totally cool.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a crush on her to me, like,” Hex observed.

“So what’s the difference then between having a crush on a lass and thinking she’s really attractive?” Kesta inquired.

“Like, for example, to use a footballing example … I reckon Woolton Wanderers are really attractive, but I’ve got a crush on Blaydon Toon,” Eric explained.

“Ar, right.  I see what you mean,” Kesta replied.  “So, like, you’re saying Appa Hat’s not the fittest lass in Ko Pagna, but she’s just your personal object of desire.”

“No, I’m saying it the other way round.  I’m saying she
is
the fittest lass in Ko Pagna but I haven’t got a crush on her,” Eric clarified.  “But if I
was
going to have a crush then it would definitely be on Appa Hat, like, cos I’m a pure glory supporter when it comes to lasses.”

“What’s she look, like, then?” Hex inquired.  “Like, who is she?”

“Well have you seen them two really fit Sveltish lasses that usually stand next to the big screen?” Eric described.  “They haven’t had them on for a couple of days, but they sometimes wear Appa Hats
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.”

“Ar, aye.  I think I know who you mean,” Zonny replied.  “One’s blonde and the other one’s a brunette.”

“Aye,” Eric confirmed.  “Well the blonde one’s Appa Hat and the brunette’s Appa Hat’s Mate.”  The four friends had adopted the practise of giving lasses code names, a practise common among all dudes on Ko Pagna, in fact also common on many beach resorts back on Earth.

“A
r, I prefer Appa Hat’s Mate,” Hex remarked.

“Ar, don’t get uz wrong.  They’re both really fit,” Eric acknowledged, “but I’d have to say that Appa Hat’s my Blaydon Toon, like.”  He then quickly corrected himself.  “Well … if I was gonna have a crush, like.  Which I haven’t.  So technically I suppose she’s my Woolton Wanderers.”

“There’s no shame in having a crush,” Kesta commented.  “It happens to us all from time to time.”

“Ar, I know,” Eric agreed, “but I haven’t got a crush so there’s no point saying I have when I haven’t.  I just think she’s really fit.  Like, she’s just got, like, totally lush body language.  Like, she just totally exudes confidence and irradiates happiness.  Like, she’s obviously a really happy confident person.”

Hex, Kesta and Zonny were smirking by this point.

“And, like, I love the way she walks,” Eric continued.  “Like, her walk’s got a sort of swagger to it, but not in an arrogant way.  Like, you can tell she’s got a high opinion of herself but that’s just cos she’s a good judge of character … not because she’s arrogant.  Like, she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone else or anything … even though she blatantly is.  Like, her walk sort of says, ‘Look at how good I am, but you can also be this good.  My level of excellence is achievable by everyone else as well.’  But she’s just being humble when her walk says that, like, cos her level of excellence is blatantly out of the reach of most people.”

“And her walk says all that, does it?” Kesta smiled.  “Hey, she’s got a very talkative walk, like.”

“And when it comes to unnecessary accessories, she’s totally the master,” Eric continued.  “Like I said, her all-round fashion sense is totally excellent but that’s one area in particular where she excels … unnecessary accessories.”

Kesta nodded at an attractive lass a few metres behind them standing next to one of the podiums.  “Oo … look at the accessories on her,” he remarked, with mock pervy enthusiasm.

“She’s not wearing any accessories,” Eric observed.

“I wasn’t talking about her fashion sense,” Kesta sniggered.  Actually, come to think of it, there was probably no ‘mock’ about Kesta’s pervy enthusiasm at all.  It was probably genuine pervy enthusiasm masquerading as mock pervy enthusiasm.  Anyway, Zonny, Hex and Eric soon shared in the sniggering.

After a few moments of mirthful enjoyment Kesta turned to Eric.  “Seriously, though, Eric … it’s a bit worrying how you’ve got this big obsession with fashion sense.”

“There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a lass that knows how to dress well,” Eric defended.

“Yeah, but if you go on about fashion
too
much, people might think you come across as being a bit gay,” Kesta pointed out.

“Shut up, man!” Eric retorted.  “How’s that like?”

“Well that’s just the perception people have of gay dudes,” Kesta explained.  “That they like their fashion.”

“Aye, some of them might,” Eric agreed.  “I would imagine that some gays mebbees dress as sharp as me, but some of them probably dress like yous two as well,” Eric joked, waving his hand at Zonny and Kesta.

“Cheeky git,” Kesta muttered.

“And, like, most gay dudes probably like DQ as well,” Eric
reasoned, “but so do heterosexual dudes as well.  Just cos a gay dude likes doing something it doesn’t mean a heterosexual dude is gay as well just cos he likes doing the same thing.”

“Unless it’s bumming other dudes,” Kesta pointed out.

“Well, aye.  Fair point,” Eric acknowledged, with a smirk.

“On
the subject of gayness,” Kesta commented, “neither of yous have scored since we got here.”  He raised his eyebrows accusingly.

“Aye, that’s a good point,
Kesta,” Hex smiled, raising his eyebrows also, pretending to agree with the insinuation.

“
Aye but not having scored doesn’t mean we’re gay, like,” Eric replied.

“I’m just saying,” Kesta remarked, casually, “yous haven’t been with a lass since you’ve been in Ko Pagna.”  He slowly swung his arm in front of him in the direction of loads of fit lasses dancing as if to say ‘behold.’  “And it’s not as if we’re not spoilt for choice.  People who didn’t know you very well might arrive at a certain conclusion.  That’s all I’m saying.”

“Hey, man.  Just cos we haven’t scored yet that doesn’t mean we’re gay,” Eric refuted.  “It just means in Zonny’s case that he’s carrying a few extra pounds, and in my case that I’m a total feebloid that keeps bottling it.”  In actual fact Zonny wasn’t the slightest bit overweight.  Eric wouldn’t have made the joke if he had been.  As he regularly pointed out back on Earth, this type of joke was actually a compliment because a sound person (which Eric considered himself to be) would never make an insult which was true, so the fact that he had claimed Zonny was overweight therefore implied that he was actually quite trim.

Eric continued with his reply.  “Like, if you look up ‘gay’ in the dictionary, it won’t say ‘a dude who’s a bit of a pie-eater’ and it won’t say ‘a total feebloid bottler.’  It’ll say ‘a dude that likes bumming other dudes.’”

“Well it probably won’t actually say that, like,” Hex pointed out.  “It’ll probably be a bit more politically correct than that.  It’ll probably say something like ‘a man who is attracted to other men in a sexual nature.’”

“Aye, mebbees,” Eric agreed.

“Anyway, either way I still reckon it’s about time you scored,” Kesta remarked.

“Either way?” Eric queried.  “What d’you mean … either way? 
I’ve told you I’m into lasses, man.”

“No, man.  I didn’t mean…  Look, forget the ‘either way’ bit,” Kesta explained.  “I just mean yous need to get a move on.”

“I’ve told you, I’ve sort of got a girlfriend back home,” Zonny muttered.

“Look, if you were totally serious with a lass then good on you for being loyal and dedicated and all that,” Kesta acknowledged, “but if you’re just ‘sort of seeing a lass’ well then you’re daft if you don’t enjoy yourself while you’re here.”  Kesta turned to Eric.  “And you’re totally single so you’ve got no excuse.”

“Here, man.  I haven’t not scored just to spite you, you know,” Eric snapped.  “I just can’t help it, man.  I’m just a total bottler.  I didn’t choose to be a bottler but that’s just the way I am.”

“That’s why I can’t understand why you’re not into the DQ,” Kesta replied.  “You need to start drinking, man.  I’d be a bottler as well if it wasn’t for DQ.”

“Aye, but look at Hex,” Eric pointed out.  “You’ve scored … is it five times now since you got here, is it, Hex?”

“S
ix,” Hex corrected.  “There was that lass in the football strip the other night, remember?”

“Ar, aye.  I’d forgotten about her, you fluke,” Eric replied, enviously.  “But anyway, you don’t drink that much and yet you’ve scored more than the rest of us put together.  That’s my point.  You don’t need DQ.  It’s achievable without it.  And you see, I’ve never scored sober before so it’s sort of my ambition.”

“You’re just making it hard for yourself,” Kesta argued.  “I’m telling you, get DQed up and you’ll score no bother.”

Eric looked thoughtful for a moment.  “Actually, I’ll tell you what I need to do,” he announced.

“What?” Kesta inquired.

“Dance more,” Eric revealed.  “Back on…”  He was about to say ‘back on Earth’ but managed to stop himself just in time.  “Back when I had my last good spell, nearly every time I scored it was through dancing.  It’s so much easier cos you don’t need to talk.”

“Well we can all dance now, then,” Hex suggested, “if you think it’ll help.”

“Actually, it’ll probably be better if
you
didn’t dance, like, Hex,” Eric replied.

“Why’s that, like?” Hex quizzed.

“Well just cos if you’re there then most lasses are probably gonna fancy you and I’m gonna be invisible,” Eric reasoned.

“I dunno about that,” Hex shrugged.  Hex secretly knew that Eric’s comment was true though, but he was too polite to boast.

“Aye, shall I not dance either?” Zonny offered.

“Ar, it shouldn’t be a problem if
you
dance,” Eric smirked.

“Cheeky git,” Zonny retorted.

“Nar, man,” Eric apologised.  “Actually, I tell you what … why don’t yous all go along to The Desert
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and I’ll dance on the podium here for a bit, then meet you at The Desert in half an hour.”

“Fair enough,” Kesta agreed.  “And hopefully, if we don’t see you in half an hour then we’ll know you’ve been successful.”

“Yeah, so I’ll see you in half an hour, then,” Eric joked, although he actually wasn’t joking, because despite his belief that dancing presented a greater chance of scoring, he still wasn’t feeling as confident by now as he had been earlier in the evening.  He took a couple of steps towards one of the podiums.

“Em … where are you going?” Kesta inquired.

“To the podium,” Eric answered.

“Well why are you going to that one with three dudes on it?” Kesta quizzed.  “You should be heading to the other one with the four lasses on it.  Unless there’s something you’re not telling us…”

“You see,
you
just dive straight in, whereas I always analyse things logically,” Eric explained.  “Those two lasses at the left are quite shy, so I’m not gonna score with them cos I need an outgoing lass who’s gonna make most of the moves.  That really fit lass at the end has bombed out about five or six dudes already tonight, and fair enough, most of them were drunken muppets, but the last dude was the type of dude most lasses would go for, so if she wasn’t interested in him then she’s not on the pull and she just wants to enjoy a night of dancing.  And then the other lass in the bikini top has danced with uz a couple of times already on other nights and both times I bottled it, so basically it’s not gonna happen now.  I’ve missed my chance with her.

So that podium presents no opportunities for scoring, whereas if any lasses get up on a podium full of dudes then you can be pretty sure that there’s at least a small chance that they might possibly be on the pull.”

“Whatever, just make sure you score,” Kesta shrugged, and he headed along to The Desert with Hex and Zonny.

Eric pulled himself up onto the podium and began dancing as he reflected that o
ne benefit of not getting drunk or DQed up was that at least you could still think things through logically when you were sober.