How to Win Friends and Influence People (5 page)

never.”

“In my wide association in life, meeting with many

and great people in various parts of the world,” Schwab

declared, “I have yet to find the person, however great

or exalted his station, who did not do better work and

put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he

would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”

That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons

for the phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie.

Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as pr-vately.

Carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on his

tombstone. He wrote an epitaph for himself which read:

“Here lies one who knew how to get around him men

who were cleverer than himself:”

Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first

John D. Rockefeller’s success in handling men. For example,

when one of his partners, Edward T. Bedford,

lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in South

America, John D. might have criticized; but he knew

Bedford had done his best - and the incident was

closed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; he

congratulated Bedford because he had been able to save

60 percent of the money he had invested. “That’s splendid,"

said Rockefeller. “We don’t always do as well as

that upstairs.”

I have among my clippings a story that I know never

happened, but it illustrates a truth, so I’ll repeat it:

According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end

of a heavy day’s work, set before her menfolks a heaping

pile of hay. And when they indignantly demanded

whether she had gone crazy, she replied: “Why, how

did I know you’d notice? I’ve been cooking for you men

for the last twenty years and in all that time I ain’t heard

no word to let me know you wasn’t just eating hay.”

When a study was made a few years ago on runaway

wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main

reason wives ran away? It was “lack of appreciation.”

And I’d bet that a similar study made of runaway husbands

would come out the same way. We often take our

spouses so much for granted that we never let them

know we appreciate them.

A member of one of our classes told of a request made

by his wife. She and a group of other women in her

church were involved in a self-improvement program.

She asked her husband to help her by listing six things

he believed she could do to help her become a better

wife. He reported to the class: “I was surprised by such

a request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list

six things I would like to change about her - my heavens,

she could have listed a thousand things she would

like to change about me - but I didn’t. I said to her, ‘Let

me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’

“The next morning I got up very early and called the

florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a

note saying: ‘I can’t think of six things I would like to

change about you. I love you the way you are.’

“When I arrived at home that evening, who do you

think greeted me at the door: That’s right. My wife! She

was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely

glad I had not criticized her as she had requested.

“The following Sunday at church, after she had reported

the results of her assignment, several women

with whom she had been studying came up to me and

said, ‘That was the most considerate thing I have ever

heard.’ It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”

Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who

ever dazzled Broadway, gained his reputation by his

subtle ability to “glorify the American girl.” Time after

time, he took drab little creatures that no one ever

looked at twice and transformed them on the stage into

glamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowing

the value of appreciation and confidence, he made

women feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantry

and consideration. He was practical: he raised the salary

of chorus girls from thirty dollars a week to as high as

one hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous;

on opening night at the Follies, he sent telegrams

to the stars in the cast, and he deluged every chorus girl

in the show with American Beauty roses.

I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six

days and nights without eating. It wasn’t difficult. I was

less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the

end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who

would think they had committed a crime if they let their

families or employees go for six days without food; but

they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and

sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty

appreciation that they crave almost as much as they

crave food.

When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time,

played the leading role in
Reunion in Vienna,
he said,

“There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my

self-esteem.”

We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and

employees, but how seldom do we nourish their selfesteem?

We provide them with roast beef and potatoes

to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words

of appreciation that would sing in their memories for

years like the music of the morning stars.

Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, “The Rest

of the Story,” told how showing sincere appreciation can

change a person’s life. He reported that years ago a

teacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to help her find a

mouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she appreciated

the fact that nature had given Stevie something

no one else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie a

remarkable pair of ears to compensate for his blind eyes.

But this was really the first time Stevie had been shown

appreciation for those talented ears. Now, years later, he

says that this act of appreciation was the beginning of a

new life. You see, from that time on he developed his

gift of hearing and went on to become, under the stage

name of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and

and songwriters of the seventies.*

* Paul Aurandt,

Paul Harvey’s The Rest

the Story (New
York: Doubleday,

1977). Edited and compiled by Lynne Harvey. Copyright © by

Paulynne, Inc.

Some readers are saying right now as they read these

lines: “Oh, phooey!
Flattery! Bear oil!
I’ve tried that

stuff. It doesn’t work - not with intelligent people.”

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people.

It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail

and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so

thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything,

just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.

Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery.

Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he put

it on thick in dealing with the Queen. To use his exact

words, he said he “spread it on with a trowel.” But Disraeli

was one of the most polished, deft and adroit men

who ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was a

genius in his line. What would work for him wouldn’t

necessarily work for you and me. In the long run, flattery

will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit,

and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you

into trouble if you pass it to someone else.

The difference between appreciation and flattery?

That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere.

One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth

out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally

admired; the other universally condemned.

I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro

Obregon in the Chapultepec palace in Mexico City.

Below the bust are carved these wise words from General

Obregon’s philosophy: “Don’t be afraid of enemies

who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”

No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it.

I’m talking about a new way of life. Let me repeat.
I
am

talking about a new way of life.

King George V had a set of six maxims displayed on

the walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One of

these maxims said: “Teach me neither to proffer nor receive

cheap praise.” That’s all flattery is - cheap praise.

I once read a definition of flattery that may be worth

repeating: “Flattery is telling the other person precisely

what he thinks about himself.”

“Use what language you will,” said Ralph Waldo

Emerson, “you can never say anything but what you

are ."

If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch

on and we should all be experts in human relations.

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite

problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our

time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking

about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the

other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to

flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost

before it is out of the mouth,

One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence

is appreciation, Somehow, we neglect to praise

our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good

report card, and we fail to encourage our children when

they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse.

Nothing pleases children more than this kind of

parental interest and approval.

The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send

word to the chef that it was excellently prepared, and

when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy,

please mention it.

Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows the

discouragement of pouring himself or herself out to an

audience and not receiving a single ripple of appreciative

comment. What applies to professionals applies

doubly to workers in offices, shops and factories and our

families and friends. In our interpersonal relations we

should never forget that all our associates are human

beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender

that all souls enjoy.

Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude

on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will

set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons

on your next visit.

Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had

among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of

a janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employees

would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show

him what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad, productive

time was being lost in the shop.

Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate

this person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly

good piece of work. She made a point to praise

him for it in front of the other people. Each day the job

he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started

doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellent

job and other people give him appreciation and recognition.

Honest appreciation got results where criticism

and ridicule failed.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is

never called for. There is an old saying that I have cut

out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but

see it every day:

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I

can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being,

let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall

not pass this way again.

Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in

some way, In that, I learn of him.”

If that was true of Emerson, isn’t it likely to be a thousand

times more true of you and me? Let’s cease thinking

of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure

out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery.

Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your

approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will

cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them

over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgotten

them.

PRINCIPLE 2

Give honest and sincere appreciation.

“HE WHO CAN DO THIS HAS THE

WHOLE WORLD WITH HIM.

HE WHO CANNOT WALKS

A LONELY WAY”

I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer.

Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but

I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer

worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what

I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t

bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled

a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and

said: “Wouldn’t you like to have that?”

Why not use the same common sense when fishing for

people?

That is what Lloyd George, Great Britain’s Prime Minister

during World War I, did. When someone asked him

how he managed to stay in power after the other wartime

leaders - Wilson, Orlando and Clemenceau - had been

forgotten, he replied that if his staying on top might be

attributed to any one thing, it would be to his having

learned that it was necessary to bait the hook to suit the

fish .

Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd.

Of course, you are interested in what you want.

You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The

rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we

want.