Hunting Shadows (Shadow Series #3) (16 page)

Chapter Thirteen

The next few
days settled into somewhat of a normal routine, although the presen
ce of Ryan always reminded me that everything was far from normal
. Simon and I both started attending class
es
again. At first he had been reluctant to let me out of his sights
but slowly he was beginning to realize that I could take ca
re of myself. C
lasses
were a way to
occupy
my time while I waited for
more visions,
but it was also a reminder that despite accepting my
calling
as a seer, I needed a way to financially support myself.
A college degree wouldn’t hurt in getting a job.

I was happy when the Henchmen started practicing a
gain because I knew Simon truly
enjoyed
playing music. It was often
hard to remember that he was a vardoger because he was so human in so many ways.
Even Sarah and Grant seemed to become more comfortable around him
. It was also a relief to be able to envelop Marcus and Jenny back into our lives.
I had missed them both and tried to make up for s
hutting them out previously
, even if it had been
for their own good.

It was
Saturday
and the
night of the
Henchmen’s first performance at the
East End
since everything had happened. Everyone was over
at the apartment for
dinner before the show and I felt a true sense of contentment as I li
stened to the happy chatter around me
. I leaned back in the recliner and looked up when Simon
casually ran a
hand throu
gh my hair. I smiled up at him, his
warm expressi
on of affection sending tingles down my spine and
reminding me how easily he could affect me with just a look or a touch.

When I turned
away, I caught Ryan watching us and I swallowed. The one thorn in my side du
ring these few days of contentment
had been
Ryan and my feelings for him. As close as I felt to Simon, I still felt a pull towards
Ryan. I tried to tell myself it was just because I felt a connection to him a
s a
seer, but I knew it was more than that. Somewhere along the way I had developed feelings
for him. I just didn’
t know
how deep they went.

I never would have imagined it was possible to have feelings for someone else when
I was so in love with Simon, but I couldn’t deny the situation or my emotions.
I just hoped they would pass with time
because there was no way I was going to
act on them.

Grant, Mar
cus and Simon left early to prepare for the show and I started clearing away the food.

“Do you think my top looks we
ird?” Jenny asked as she stood
to help
clean up. “It makes me look pregnant the way it blouses out in the front.”

“You’re crazy. There’s no way you look pregnant,” Sarah said, picking up empty glasses
and carrying them into the kitchen. She popped her head back out immediately, her
eyes narrowed. “Unless there’s something you’re not telling us.”

“Of course not!” Jenny shrieked with a horrified laugh. “Don’t even say that!”

I saw Ryan smiling to himself as he picked up the salad bowl. “Here, I’ll take that,”
I said, taking it from him. “Don’t worry about cleaning up.”

I was aware of Ryan watching me
but I made a point to not
make eye contact and hurried into the kitchen where Sarah and Jenny were still discussing
the merits of her top.

“I sti
ll think you look cute in your
top but you can borrow something if you want,” Sarah offered.

Jenny eager
ly
took her up on her offer and they disappeared into Sarah’s bedroom. I stood in the
kitchen for a few minutes, feeling foolish that I was hesitating in going back into
the living room. I had been alone with Ryan plenty of times, but now that I had finally
admitted to myself that I had feelings for him
,
I wanted to avoid being left alone with him.

I wasn’t given a choice in the matter when Ryan walked into the kitchen with a couple
of dirty plates. I automatically reached for them with a quick smile that I hoped
looked genuine. “Thanks.”

I jerked back abruptly when, instead of releasing the dishes, Ryan gently
but firmly
took hold of one of my wrists
. I tugged my arm but I was unable to break his grip.

“Look at me,” he said in a grim voice. I looked up, not wanting him
to
think he was affecting me. M
y rapidly beating heart said otherwise.

“What?” I said shortl
y, trying to sound annoyed
.

“What’s the problem?”

I frowned at him. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“You’ve been avoiding me the past few days and you’ll barely
even
look at me.”

I finally succeeded i
n breaking his grip and I grabbed
the dishes from him
, careful not to brush my fingers against his
. I turned around and placed them in the sink, giving him my back. “That’s ridiculous.
I’ve just been busy getting back to my normal life.”

He leaned
one hand on the sink next to me and I was uncomfortably
aware of how close he was
. I refused to turn around a
nd kept my gaze on the sink
.

“This isn’t your normal life. As much as you’d like to believe it is, this is no longer
your reality. The sooner you accept that, the easier it’ll be for you.”

Anger at his presumptuous
ness
made me whirl around but I immediately pressed back against the s
ink when I realized how close he really was
. I could see the flecks in his hazel eyes as he bent his head towards me.

“Just because your life is a certain way doesn’t mean mine has to be. Just because
you have no friends and no life beyond vardogers doesn’t mean I have to be the same
way.”

I
regretted my harsh words as
soon
as I said them, but I
had
said nothing I didn’t believe. Or at least hope
d
was true. Ryan seemed to live a solitary life, a lonely life, and I didn’t think
I could resign myself to the same fate.

His jaw tightened at my words but that didn’t deter him. “We’re getting off topic.
I want to know why you’re avoiding me.”

I made a sound of frustration. “I’m not avoiding you!” He was physically too close
and I could feel the heat radiating off of him. If I were to just lean up, to press
closer, a kiss would become inevitable. The thought scared me and I raised a hand
to his chest to push him back. I held my breath when he grabbed my hand and held it
to his chest.

“Tell me why you’re avoiding me,” he repeated, his voice much lower. I shook my head
in panic, wanting to escape the kitchen yet feeling transfixed by his gaze and the
feel
of his warm, hard chest beneath
my hand.

“I know why you’re avoiding me.” He lowered his head, his eyes piercing into me. “It’s
because you’re feeling the same thing I am. You want me as much as I want you.”

I felt hypnotized by his gaze as he lowered his head even more. His breath was a light
caress against my lips and
I felt a mixture of p
anic and desire pumping through me
. His lips were a whisper away when panic finally won out and I pushed against his
chest
hard. He stumbled a little but quickly regained his balance. He
looked at me with an enigmatic expression.

“You’re wrong!” I spat out, scared by how close I had been to betraying Simon.
“I don’t want you! Don’t ever try that again!”

A muscle started twitching in his jaw but his voice was calm when he spoke. “Tell
me you don’t have feelings for me. Convince me that I’m wrong.”

“I don’t have to convince you of anything! But
you can rest assured that
I don’t have
any
feelings for you.” It was easy to lie when I was so angry with him. “If this is your
way of helping, you can leave!”

Ryan’s lips tightened and he studied me for a few moments before speaking again. “Don’t
pretend like you don’t need my help. What we’re facing is beyond just you and me.
Don’t get it tangled up with personal emotions.” His expression relaxed and he gave
me a sardonic smile. “I won’t push you
about your feelings if you want to play it this way.”

“Asshole,” I muttered as I turned around. I started washing the dishes w
ith a vengeance
, hating that he was right. I needed his help, no matter
how messed up my emotions were
. I just needed to get a better handle on them, to control them. I swore to myself
that I would never let Ryan affect me again like he had tonight.

I was relieved when he finally left the kitchen. My shoulders slumped as righteous
indignation
gave way to guilt. If Simon kne
w what had just almost happened, not only would he be devastated but he would be on
a warpath. I couldn’t chance any violence erupting between Ryan and Simon. We had
enough problems to deal with
as it was.

“Don’t do the dishes. You cooked. Just leave them for later and I’ll do them.”

I jumped at the sound of Sarah’s voice but I forced my tone to be cheerful when I
replied without turning around. I didn’t want her to see how flushed my face was.
“I’m just about done anyway. It’s no big deal.”

I heard Sarah putting things away in the kitchen as I finished up the dishes. I hoped
that I looked composed as I turned around. “Did Jenny find a top she was happy with?”

“Yeah, but it took forever. I think she tried on every top I had.” Sarah frowned as
she studied me. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?” I hoped my voice sounded nonchalant but my heart was hammering against
my ribcage. I wondered if she could see the guilt plastered across my face.

“You look a little flushed.”

“I’m fine,” I said with a bright smile. A part of me wanted to tell Sarah about my
conflicted emotions but
I
wasn’t even sure exactly what my feelings were. Things were complicated enough as
it was and I didn’t want to pull her into the chaotic mess of my emotions. Besides,
I was determined to squash whatever feelings I had started developing for Ryan so
there was nothing to tell. “I’m going to get changed.”

I made my escape to my bedroom and changed quickly, not really paying attention to
what I changed into. I acted as naturally as I could when I came back into the living
room and but I was acutely aware of Ryan watching me. I tried to ignore him and told
myself this would be a good night and I wouldn’t ruin it with my
neuroses.

Fortunately, Jenny and Sarah kept the conversation going as we made our way to the
East End
and I made sure to inject comments here and there so that th
ey didn’t think anything was amiss
. The bar
was already packed but we managed to finagle a table in the back.
I took a large swallow of beer as soon as the waitress set the bottles down on our
table.

“When do you find out if you got the job?” Jenny asked, leaning towards Ryan so he
could hear her over the din of the crowd. I blinked in confusion, but Ryan remembered
the lie of why he was in town with ease
and answered smoothly. I tuned
out their conversation and
took another sip of beer.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sarah asked in a low voice so only I could hear her. “You’re
acting kind of weird.”

“I’m fine,” I said reassuringly, smiling at her. “Just tired. It’s been a stressful
few weeks.”

Sarah laughed. “You can say that again.”

I was saved from having to
answer any more questions when
the crowd starting cheering so loudly that I feared for the safety of my eardrums.
Simon, Grant and Marcus filed onto
the
stage and Grant settled behind the drums as the other two picked up their guitars.

“I know we’ve been M.I.A. for a while,” Simon said into the microphone
, grinning widely at
the crowd. I sometimes forgot how charming and charismatic he could be on stage. I
felt a tug of pride as I watched him.

“We’re lucky that we have such loyal fans and we’ve missed you as much as you
’ve
missed us.” Simon winked at the crowd as they cheered. “Let’s not go so long without
seeing each other again.”