I squeezed my coffee mug between my hands, wondering whether Jace would be afraid of me if the mug shattered. Amazing, I thought, feeling so sad I wanted to cry. Amazing that you could sit so close to someone and still have him be so totally far away. Right now, Jace Murdoch might as well have been on the freaking moon.
He stuffed his hands into his pockets, his shoulders slumping. ‘Moth . . .’ He looked up and his eyes were intense, and maybe a little angry. ‘This is hard for me.’
‘Gosh, Jace. I’m sorry that your life is
so hard
that you’re forced to hang out with a freak of nature.’
‘Hey,’ he replied, his voice rising along with mine. ‘That’s not what I meant. I’m not playing the pity card here.’
‘No?’ I shot back. ‘Oh, poor me, I’m all alone. I’m so confused. My only friend is a monster – and I’m supposed to kill the monsters. At least you have your
life
. Your soul. You’re human. You get to—’
‘You don’t know anything about me,’ he said, ‘and I can’t believe I was about to tell you anything personal.’
‘So, don’t bother,’ I muttered. ‘You can just leave. I have to go be with my family, anyway.’
Whirling, I strode away. I could have used vamp-speed, but a tiny part of me held back in the hope that he’d stop me. I hated that needy inner voice and buried it as deep as possible until I reached the apartment door. I stomped my feet as loudly as I could, wishing I could kick something.
A hand grabbed my shoulder and spun me around.
Jace stood in front of me, breathing hard. I could feel his body heat burning through the material of his shirt, and I wished that I was wearing my jacket for protection. As armor against everything that I was feeling.
God, I was an idiot. And I was
furious
. With him, yeah, but mostly with myself. For believing he could really like me in the first place. For everything that made me feel powerless. For his stupid brown eyes and his quick smile – and even quicker temper.
Jace tried to pull me against him and I shook him off, glaring. Remorse was etched into his face and, just for a moment, I wanted to relent.
Which, of course, made me even angrier.
I swung my fist up, but Jace caught it and held it against his chest. My other fist shot out, but he caught that one too. I was stronger than him, so I must really have
let
him stop me. I didn’t want to think about that too much.
Jace stepped into me. His fingers wrapped around my wrists and pulled me close, closer. My nose was level with his throat. I could smell the coffee and gum on his breath as he looked down at me, and I wanted to kiss him with a fierce possessiveness that I’d never experienced before. Not even with Theo.
I forced myself to stop breathing, anything so that I didn’t have to smell how deliciously human he was.
The object of my confused hunger continued to hold me tight, and I forced myself to stand still. I reveled in his heartbeat against me, imagined that I could taste his pulse on my tongue. It was a beautiful torture that I never wanted to end.
‘Moth, I’m sorry,’ he said, voice low and urgent and threaded with something that made my stomach tighten.
‘What are you doing?’ I don’t know why I couldn’t just let things happen; why I had to worry and analyze all the time. ‘Why do you even care?’
Jace pressed his lips to my temple, just beside my left eye. It was the softest of touches and it both shocked and thrilled me. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I just do.’
I pulled away from him, my skin still feeling hot where he’d kissed me. ‘Maybe you need to start figuring it out.’
He nodded, watching me intently. ‘Maybe I do.’
And maybe I was being too hard on him – he had lost everything, after all.
Maybe you’re just being an idiot
, said my inner Moth. He’ll let you down again, just you wait and see.
Jace moved back to the table, standing behind his chair. Putting it between us. He said, ‘You still have your family, no matter what else you’ve been through. OK, so things are difficult with your dad – especially now – but you have your sisters. I know how close you are with Caitlín. I was there, that night at your Maker’s place, up on the roof when my dad died . . . remember?’
‘I remember.’
‘You told me that you loved her more than anything in the world. I don’t have that.’
I narrowed my eyes. ‘That’s not my fault, though. It’s not fair to punish me for something I didn’t do.’
‘But the vampires
did
do it,’ he said, his voice suddenly dropping in pitch. His knuckles were white on the back of the chair. ‘They did all of it.’
‘Kyle killed your father, I know that. I didn’t like your dad, and I’m truly sorry you lost him. But, Jace, that still doesn’t mean—’
‘And my mom,’ he said, speaking very fast now. ‘And . . .
my
brother or sister. I never even got to see that baby, and I was desperate for it to come. I was so young I didn’t know anything, but I knew how much I wanted the baby to be born. I prayed that Mom would have a boy, so that I could teach my little brother how to kill monsters. That kid never even had a chance at life – he or she would have been almost nine years old by now, but then the monsters killed my mom. And that was that.’
He finally stopped talking and I stood there in shocked silence, not knowing what to say. How do you respond to that kind of pain?
I’d suspected something – something beyond terrible after the glimpse inside his head back when we were both investigating Kyle’s killing spree. Those suspicions had been confirmed after finding that Murdoch family portrait.
Jace clenched his hands into fists and stared at the floor. ‘Shit. I never meant to actually say all that.’
My stomach churned and I wanted to hit something, more because I was so overwhelmed with grief for him than anything else. I had to make sure that I was calm, that I wasn’t going to turn all vamp on him at a time like this. That would be the end of our so-called friendship. If that’s what this even was.
I screwed up my courage and touched his arm. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know . . .’ I was afraid to tell him the whole truth.
‘You knew,’ he said, sounding more tired than angry. ‘I think you saw it. In my mind that time.’
I bowed my head. ‘I saw something, but I wasn’t sure.’
He looked down at my hand on his arm. ‘I lost everything to them – to the monsters.’
I licked my suddenly dry lips. At least he hadn’t lumped me in with ‘the monsters’ this time, but I wasn’t going to get too hopeful about the direction this might be taking.
He placed his other hand over mine. I think that surprised me more than anything else. He still wasn’t looking at me, though, so I couldn’t read his facial expression when he said, ‘I know you lost a lot too. It’s different, but I get that you didn’t ask for what happened to you. I’m sorry that it did.’
I closed my eyes for a moment. Opened them again and forced myself to breathe. I wanted to look as human as possible in that moment. It seemed important.
‘Nothing’s the same,’ I said, my voice barely above a whisper. ‘And they’ll all be gone, one day. My family . . . my sisters. Everyone will die.’
‘And you’ll still be here,’ he said. ‘I get it.’
We looked into each other, going deeper than we ever had before. Whatever was happening between us was about as far from ‘safe’ as it was possible to get. This feeling was one of danger and excitement. Desire. I
wanted
things. Theo told me that I had to stop wanting so much, that it would only cause me heartache. But those things didn’t listen to reason; they stirred inside me. Restless things.
Hungry things.
The atmosphere was getting so heavy I could practically feel it pressing against my skin. I wanted to run. Hunt.
Feed.
I dug my nails into my palms, anything to distract myself from that constant sense of
wanting
.
Jace turned away from me then, moving to stand by the window. Maybe he knew how on the edge I was. I didn’t follow him, because I didn’t want him to see my non-existent reflection beside his. It would remind him of things I would far rather he didn’t remember right now.
Let me have this moment, OK?
I told myself. It’s not hurting anyone.
The intercom buzzed, ruining my moment.
‘Man!’ I shouted. And then I remembered that Jace was still supposed to be in hiding. What if Theo had sent one of the other vamps to collect me? I’d left him so abruptly and I didn’t expect him to let me get away with it once he was feeling better. Panic made my fangs extend. I slapped my hands over my mouth. ‘Ouch.’
‘Just answer it,’ Jace said, sounding annoyingly calm. ‘Act normal.’
I opened my mouth and pointed. ‘Normal?’
He stared at my fangs. ‘You have a point. Two, actually. I’ll get it.’
He strode in the direction of the hallway, looking for the intercom controls.
‘No, wait!’ I ran after him and pushed him aside. ‘What if it’s Holly?’
‘Why would it be Holly? She has a key . . .’
Oh, right. I thought about that for a moment.
‘She might have lost it,’ I said finally. ‘And anyway, who else would it be? It’s almost midnight.’
Jace shook his head but didn’t argue.
I grabbed the handset. ‘Yes?’
‘Moth,’ Theo said, doing his best impression of a serial killer. ‘Open this door or I will break it down.’
Everything stopped, as though we’d been zapped by a magical time-stopping ray-gun.
OK, that’s not true. It just felt that way because I was freaking-the-hell out. Somewhere inside my head I was screaming, trying to figure out the best escape route. If I was by myself, I could just jump out the window. Why not? It wouldn’t
kill
me. But Jace was here. Jace couldn’t jump from the window and survive without several broken bones. At the very least. Of course, it was Jace’s fault I was stuck inside the mother of all panic attacks in the first place. If I’d been by myself, I could just open the door to my Maker and everything would be sweet. Totally fine. Hunky-freaking-dory.
Jace grabbed my shoulders and shook me. ‘What are you doing? It’s like you went catatonic or something. I’ve never seen that happen to anyone before.’
The intercom sounded again.
I
moved
, taking Jace with me. He was too shocked to speak, which made a change. We were in Holly’s room now, standing outside her oversized closet. Jace started to say something, but I opened the door and pushed him inside. ‘Shut up,’ I hissed. ‘And don’t come out, no matter what you hear.’ I slammed the double doors on him.
‘Um . . . Moth?’
Ignoring him, I ran back to the intercom, but I was too late. My front door exploded inward and Theo stood on the threshold looking just about as livid as I had ever seen him.
Gulping, I backed up a step. ‘Hey, Theo.’
‘Moth.’ His eyes glittered.
‘Shouldn’t you be resting? You just got shot. Where are Holly and Castel? Weren’t they with you? They were supposed to take you home. I thought—’
‘Stop it,’ he said. ‘Stop talking. If you lie to me, I will make you regret it.’
He reeked of blood, so at least I wouldn’t have to deal with bloodlust. But his expression had turned wild, frantic rather than furious. Which was . . . unsettling.
OK, it was
terrifying
.
‘The Murdoch boy. Where is he?’
‘Jace?’ I backed up another step. ‘I don’t know what—’
‘
I said, don’t lie to me!
’ he roared.
I cringed and buried the desperate urge to bow down before him. Or to run. Either would work for me right now.
‘I’m not lying!’ I shouted back, lying through my teeth and hating myself for it. ‘I haven’t seen Jace in months.’
‘Lies!’ Theo
moved
, and the next second I was pinned to the wall with his face in mine. I couldn’t move, transfixed by the murderous rage in his eyes. ‘I was concerned for you, after the attack at the hospital, so I sent Echo to check on your wellbeing.’
My stomach squeezed tight and I wanted to vomit. My lips felt numb. Had Echo seen Jace? Oh God, how to explain this . . . How,
how
? How to keep Theo from ripping Jace’s head off?
I gulped. ‘You couldn’t have just called me?’
‘I do whatever I like. Have you forgotten who I am?’
‘No,’ I squeaked.
He dropped me and sniffed the air. ‘I can smell him all over you. All over this apartment.’
Fee fi fo fum.
I so badly wanted to say it, but I figured that might be one joke too far. I kept my mouth firmly shut.
Theo stalked into the kitchen and grabbed Jace’s army jacket from the back of a chair. ‘How do you explain this?’
I gnawed at my lower lip, mind racing.
Theo tore the jacket in half as though it were a piece of wet tissue paper. He tossed the two pieces at me and I ducked. ‘Don’t you have anything to say, my little Moth?’
‘Not really,’ I said. ‘No, I think it’s better that I don’t say anything.’
‘Perhaps you will feel the urge to speak when I rip the hunter’s throat out.’ He turned on his heel and marched toward my bedroom.
‘Theo, I know who might be targeting vampires. It’s
not
Jace. You have to listen to me.’
I chased after him, not knowing what else to do. Theo was a man on a mission as he reached beneath my bed and pulled.
‘Theo, he’s not under—’
But my Maker wasn’t listening. Listening seemed to be the last thing on his mind. He flipped the entire bed on its side, then moved toward my tiny closet.
‘He’s not in there either. Stop this! Didn’t you hear what I just said? About how I know what’s going on? Let me tell—’
Crunch.
There went the door hinges. I cringed and tried to figure out a way to stop him. Would he go through the entire apartment? Surely he wouldn’t trash everything . . .
He looked over his shoulder at me. ‘I’m going to tear this place apart until I find him.’
OK, so that answered
that
question.
I pulled my cell phone from my pocket. ‘I’m calling Holly. I can’t believe everyone let you leave when you’d just been shot up with silver.’