Hurting To Feel (Carpool Dolls) (8 page)

"That's
good," he murmured.

Several
minutes passed. He found he wasn't in such a hurry to provide background as
much as he wanted to hold her. Because he couldn't see her face, couldn't read
the way she'd fed off his emotions, he wanted to enjoy the calm before he gave
her the truth.

But,
he had to tell her.

"Last
week when I showed up at your house and you took care of my face, I'd come from
boxing." He rubbed his cheek against her hair. "There's this place in
St. John's, where I grew up, that caters to street kids and adults. There's
always someone willing to step onto the mat and take punches. I went
there."

Her
head came up and she looked at him. "Did you lose?"

He
stared into the room, not seeing anything specific. "No. I didn't
lose."

She
stiffened. "God, what did the other person look like?"

"Broken
nose. He'll probably need his brow super glued together, and I'm guessing I
fractured a couple of his ribs," he said. "That's what you need to
know about me. I'm capable of hurting others and not feeling a bang of remorse.
It's not that I'm unable to stop myself, I can. But, the need to hurt others is
unstoppable. It never ends."

"You're
warning me," she whispered.

He
nodded without saying any more. The truth was right in front of her, she'd have
to grasp what he was saying herself. Then he'd let her decide if she was
willing to handle him. If she was strong enough to admit to herself that she
needed him, and his ways.

Chapter
Nine

The
only thing keeping her from walking out of the room was Nate's hands on her
body. Addison's heart raced, and she wondered if she pushed against him, he'd
let her go. After hearing he enjoyed hurting others, she was afraid to try her
luck.

Instead,
she hid her reaction and played cool. "May I stand up?"

"Normally,
I'd let you do anything when you ask me nicely, in that soft voice that pleases
me, but right now I'd like you to stay on my lap and talk with me," he
said. "I can tell you're worried, and there's no reason to be scared.
We're sitting and talking, that's it."

"That's
not what I thought we were going to do when you told me to come home with
you." She folded her hands in her lap. "I thought this was about sex,
and we've done that before and I handled that fine. I don't know what you're
planning to do now, or why you had to tell me that you enjoy hurting people. You're
starting to freak me out, and not in a good way. If  you told me you like to
box a few rounds every now and then, that's one thing, but you're talking about
beating the shit out of someone because it's fun and—"

"Not
fun. Necessary," he said.

She
scoffed. "Sorry, but I don't understand where you're going with this
conversation. Only murderers and…and serial killers enjoy hurting others."

"Undoubtedly."
He nodded. "If you'll be quiet for a second, I'll try to explain."

She
clamped her lips shut. Scared in case he confessed to murder and fascinated
enough she shut up; she thought she knew everything about him. She was wrong.

Every
television documentary done on him, she'd watched. Every news clip, she'd stopped
what she was doing at the time and paid attention to every word. None of those
things ever, not once, informed her he beat on people for pleasure.

"Have
you ever heard of someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on others or someone who
needed pain to feel complete?" he asked.

The
room closed in on her. She pushed against him, forgetting there was a bigger
threat of pissing him off. He refused to let her go.

"Please."
She grabbed at his fingers, trying to bend them off her hip. "Let me
up."

"No."
He shifted his hands, one palmed her thigh, and the other pressed against her
back.

The
more relaxed hold gave her a little breathing room, and she sucked in air as if
she'd finally pushed her head above water. "I understand. You're into the
rough play, tying women up, and spanking them. You could've said that without
scaring me to death—she stared at the floor—I'm not into any kink, so you can
stop talking me into participating."

She
spoke the truth. Some of the women who worked for Carpool Dolls shared stories
of what men would do to them when they had worked the street in the past. There
were scars on their body from where the men abused them, all for the sole
benefit of getting their rocks off. She rubbed her bare arms. No, thank you.

"First
off, I would never hurt you for the simple fact of beating the crap out of you.
I went to the ring, because I had no one to dominate in a sexual way…so,
beating someone, getting my frustrations out, and expelling all the energy I
have inside of me from not letting myself be who I am builds up and I can be
dangerous. Rarely can I not check myself, but I won't lie. There have been
times when my needs overwhelmed me and I lost control." He squeezed her
leg, bringing her attention to him.

"You're
telling me that if you can't dominate a woman in bed, you'll beat someone up."
She gulped. "That's messed up, Nate."

"To
understand how I turned out this way, you'll have to realize I grew up on the
streets after my mom ran off with her latest boyfriend. When I was ten years
old, I looked after my younger brother and myself. Donny is a year younger than
I am. Yes, we were eating, sleeping, and surviving without a mom, a dad, a roof
over our heads. I kept us out of child protective service and together. That
was my main goal, even before surviving."

"I've
seen the documentaries. You never mentioned a brother or your age before."
She sucked her bottom lip in and clamped down.

"Ah,
I see. You think you know me. No, I never mention anything private. Donny stays
secret." He inhaled through his nose, and continued. "No one in my
life, the life I let people see, know the whole truth. They see the
romanticized story of a down and out teenager heading nowhere but the
penitentiary, who was saved by a college professor, forever afterward destined
to have his path paved in gold."

"Where
is he?" she whispered, afraid of his answer.

"My
brother? Around." He shrugged. "He keeps a low profile, content to
live life the way he wants, which is surviving on minimal. He steals when he
wants something, and uses people for entertainment when he's bored."

"Okay,
so how does that all add up to you telling me you need to beat people up to
feel good about yourself?"

The
corner of his mouth twitched as he seemed to fight a grin. "That's just
it, I'm not who you think I am. You see me as a businessman. It's a cover for
what I really am."

"You've
lost me again," she said.

His
claim to enjoying living in poverty, fighting for survival, taking control of
his life in the only way he knew how appealed to her far more than him wearing
a Gucci suite and mixing with the other high end men after hours. She sagged
against his chest. She'd never tell him her reasons for staying away from him
had to do with his position and power.

She'd
be a hypocrite. Carpool Dolls brought her more money than she needed. No one
knew the exact amount, except for the IRS. She carefully hid her money, and
lived measly. It was one of the reasons why she only hired women who needed
help. They knew how to keep secrets, and had her back.

"I
want to begin a relationship with you, Addy. But, I won't start with lies."
He lowered his voice. "There will be times where you'll want to leave me.
I'll be too possessive, too hard, and too raw. There will be things that I push
the boundaries, and I will get my way no matter what. You'll feel like you're
in jail compared to how you live your life now. I'll scare you, and you'll
think there is no possible way I could even like you."

She
laughed out of nervousness. "Really, Nate. Most men use boring pickup
lines to sweep me off my feet. You're going a little over the top with your threats."

"Not
putting on a show for your entertainment, doll." He picked her up and set
her on her feet. "I'm holding back from telling you how it's going to be
between us and letting you have a chance to walk out the door against my better
judgment. I usually don't allow someone to stand up to me, and the only reason
I am now is because there's something going on between us that I don't want to
kill by under explaining."

"Wait."
She held up her hand, suddenly cold from the loss of his body next to hers.
"You've had this same conversation with other women and it's worked for
you?"

Forgetting
about the shock of information he'd thrown at her, she crossed her arms.
Jealousy wasn't an issue, or so she told herself. The thought that he planned
his own play date ticked her off. She'd slept with him, because she liked him.

No
one talked her into having sex. She'd gone to him on her own accord. To think
that he orchestrated everything they'd experienced together sat wrong. In fact,
her stomach hurt, because she'd sworn off men like him. Seeing him, sleeping
with him, and planning to go home with him tonight was a mistake.

"You're
the first woman I've tried talking to before anything happened." He leaned
against his desk and studied her. "Are you asking if I've entered into a
relationship where I've wanted complete control? Then no. I've hidden that part
of myself from them. I disappeared for days, lied, and coerced them into
believing they were sleeping with Nate Rafferty, CEO. While away from the
relationship, I took my pleasure the way I needed and wanted as Nathan. No one knows
the real Nathan."

"Who
did I sleep with?" She glared. "Honestly."

He
remained looking at her. "Nate Rafferty."

Her
breath left her and she walked toward the door. She didn't want him to treat
her like the rest of his women. She whirled around. "Okay, then why tell
me the truth. What is there about me that makes you think I'd hand myself over
to you to do whatever you want with me?"

His
gaze softened. She swallowed. Just because he was the sexiest man ever, and had
her ready to fall into bed with him if he snapped his finger, didn't mean she
was the type of woman to enter into any kind of agreement with him.

She
prided herself on being a strong woman. Despite her mother's best intentions or
maybe because of them, she rebelled against latching on to someone wealthy and
powerful. Instead, she started her own business and kept herself out of the
limelight. Nate had no idea who he was messing with.

"Come
here," he whispered.

She
shook her head. "I can hear you fine from here."

Come
here," he lowered his voice.

She
rolled her eyes and walked toward him, stopping a foot away. "What?"

With
him leaning against the desk, she gazed across the empty space between them. He
placed his feet on each side of her, spreading his legs, and pulled her by the
hand closer, until she leaned into him.

"Be
quiet for a moment," he said.

She
sighed. Whatever he was doing wasn't going to work. He'd given his warning, and
she'd take it home with her. She inhaled the slight musk she associated with
him. It was so unfair that she'd wanted to sleep with him again. All week,
she'd thought of nothing else.

He
raised his hand and cupped the back of her head. She stiffened and when he
curled his fingers in her hair, her stomach fluttered.

"Please,
don't," she said.

Not
moving any closer, he used his hand to nudge her forward. Her hands came up and
she braced herself on his chest.

Her
mouth grew dry. "This is stupid."

His
left brow lifted and he brought her closer, until she fell against his chest.
She stared at his mouth, not wanting to look him in the eyes. Except, he parted
his lips and she whimpered before she could catch herself. He played unfairly.

"I
want to—"

"Quiet,"
he murmured.

His
breath brushed her face. Her neck arched and she closed her eyes. In the most
tender touch imaginable, he skimmed his lips against hers. Her legs trembled,
and she was suddenly glad for the hold he had on her hair, or she would've crumbled
at his feet, making a fool of herself.

"You
want me. You want this." He nibbled her bottom lip, speaking against her
mouth. "You kiss me. It's your decision, doll. What you do for me, what I
can do for you, can't be shared in a story. I have to show you. I'm done
talking."

"Please,"
she whispered. This time she begged him to continue, not to stop.

"I
don't know what makes you feed off me. But, I'll find out." He whispered
back, not taking his mouth away. "I want no secrets between us, so open
your eyes. Look at me and show me you want what I can give you."

For
a split second, fear paralyzed her, and she believed she wouldn't be able to do
what he asked. Her nipples peaked and she shuddered. Opening her eyes took all
the strength she could muster, and when she gazed into his eyes, she sobbed in
relief.