Authors: Jennifer Foor
I had only ever looked inside of the attic once. It was full of old boxes, but when I got up there this time, I felt it was necessary to look around. Most of the boxes were filled with albums. I didn’t
recognize any of the people, but knew they were billiards players from the backgrounds.
When I got through a couple boxes, I saw one with Jammer’s name hidden in the corner. I almost ran toward it when I saw it. I sat Indian style and started pulling things out. There were albums with my father and both of Jammer’s parents. I flipped through more pages and saw some like the one he had showed me. I pulled the picture of me as a little girl and Jammer as a little boy out of the plastic. He was holding my hand and it had been snowing. On the back of the picture it read, “John and Lena.”
The following pages were much of the same. Jammer and I must have spent a lot of time together when I was too little to remember. He had told me all about our parents knowing each other, but to see it for myself was something indescribable. I felt so used.
Still, I couldn’t help but go through Jammer’s box some more. At the very bottom was an envelope addressed to him. It was unopened and part of me knew it had never been read, but since it was in my attic, it was my right to find out what it said.
Jammer:
I found your room empty this morning and can already guess that you have moved on. Words can’t express how saddened I am that this had happened. A few months ago I found out that I have cancer. There is a fifty-fifty chance it can be treated, but my health isn’t the greatest. I think it is important for you to know something before you find out from someone else.
You weren’t a stranger when I met you at the billiard tournament. I knew who you were and why you were there. I grew up with your father, in fact, there was a time that we were best friends. I fell in love with your mother after losing my own family. I hate that this may pain you, but it’s best you know the truth. Your father set out to ruin my life and take away my business. He’d just loaned me a bunch of money to get my tavern back and threatened to take it all away.
When I saw you years later, after losing my wife and child because of your father’s involvement, I saw a chance for revenge. I’m not an evil man, but you have to understand that he took everything from me. My daughter was my world and at one time, you thought she was your world too. Of course you were just a little kid, but you still had a cute little crush on her.
Anyway, I offered to let you live with me because I knew he would find out and see how it felt to have someone else caring for his child. It was the feeling that I have lived with for many years. Listen, once I got to know you I realized you were an awesome kid. I’m sure if you are still reading this you are pissed as all hell, but you need to know that I cared for you like a son. I’m sorry that my intentions weren’t innocent, but after the first month, you really had become a friend.
I understand if you can’t forgive me, although I still need to ask you a favor. Please find my daughter. Her name is Charlene, but she goes by Charlie. I think her mother changed her name to Rose. I’ve been looking for her for years. She’s three years younger than you. I heard her mother passed away years ago and I have not been able to trace her through the state records. That child means the world to me. If for some reason you are reading this message and I’m no longer among the living, please find her and tell her that I never wanted to give her up. Her mother forced my hand. I love my daughter and have missed her every single day. Giving her up was the biggest regret of my life.
Your friend John McNally
My hands were shaking as I finished the long letter. I was afraid if I dug through anymore boxes I would find even more confessions of my father’s love for me. I folded up the paper and stuck it in my pocket. Maybe Ryan wasn’t just being a kid when he said we had a good father. Maybe my father really wanted to be my dad, but he couldn’t track me down once he had the chance.
Sure, I was angry about him using Jammer, but I could see his reasoning for doing it. Plus, he sort of knew that he wasn’t going to make it. I think if I could turn back time, I would have wanted to know the man to at least give him the chance he never got to have.
I brushed off the dust from my pants and headed back down to the bar with tears running down my face again. This day couldn’t get any more emotional for me. It was like my father’s ghost was following me around, leading me to letters he had wrote for me to find.
After about an hour, I finally started to relax. I had a couple come in that were back in the billiard room, but nobody else yet. Outside, I could see my brother running up the sidewalk with Elle and Zach behind him. They came in like a heard of animals and
the place filled with excited voices. When my two friends froze and looked up at the television screen, I had to look and see what had caught their attention.
The commentators were doing a recap of the players that were doing good in the tournament they were covering. They separated the screen into four windows and the bottom left player took my breath away. Jammer was shown bent over taking a shot.
I grabbed the remote and turned up the volume.
“We have a couple newcomers that are giving these veterans a run for their money. John Thomas, a Baltimore native has really brought his A game to this competition. He still has to face the hardest opponents with little odds being in his favor, but we give him props for how far he’s gotten already.”
The other commentator chimed in, “Yeah, but it wouldn’t be the first time an amateur has come along and won the fifty grand.”
“I guess time will tell. Good luck to all of the featured newcomers.”
I rewinded back to Jammer and pressed pause. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the screen.
“Charlie, he’s playing for fifty grand.” Elle’s voice broke my stare.
Zach put his arm around me and pointed to the screen. “It kind of makes you wonder if that is the same fifty grand you were trying to come up with.”
I shook my head. “No, I already have the tavern. I don’t need his money.”
“Think about it. You said his father offered him money to leave you, but his father lies. What if Jammer left because his father said he would forgive the loan. What if he did it for you?” I heard what Elle was saying but I was too much in shock to comprehend it.
“No, he left because he didn’t love me.”
“Yeah, I don’t know one hustler willing to show his face to the whole world of billiards. I mean, don’t they usually stay under the radar so they can get away with the hustle?” I looked at Zach and thought about his comment.
“I guess.”
“If we leave now we can get there in four hours.” Elle held up the keys to her Mercedes and waited for me to respond.
Chapter 36
Jammer
In the beginning of the tournament I was matched up against people that were easy to beat, but as the matches went by, it was getting harder to take the win. My mother never left the audience and when I would sink the nine ball, it was her voice I heard over everyone else's applause. It was like I was back in little league again.
Still, I couldn't get my mind in the game where it needed to be.
One thing that was really interfering with my ability to focus was the fact that I had gotten so drunk that I called Charlie. I could barely remember the conversation but what I did hear loud and clear was that she never wanted to hear from me again. It had been three weeks and I was aware that she was probably still pissed. Every time I went to play a safety and hide the other player, I could tell that my thoughts of Charlie were messing with my timing. I wished she was there in the audience with my mother,
cheering me on. Hell, I even wished Ryan was here to see how a real match looked.
I'd made it to the fourth round before losing. What was cool was that it was double elimination so I was still in the game, just in the loser’s bracket until I could pull myself back out of it; if I could pull myself out of it. When I lost my match, I had a time frame where I didn't have to shoot for a while. We went out and grabbed lunch and found ourselves at a little tattoo shop. When I saw my mother giving me the eye, I knew exactly what she was wanting to do. I let out a little laugh before following her inside. She grabbed the book acting all giddy like she was doing something naughty. Within ten minutes she was sitting in the chair with her leg up in some dudes face. She wouldn't tell me what she was getting and guaranteed that we would be done by the time my next match was scheduled.
When we walked out of the little tattoo shop my mother had a tiny tattoo on her foot that said 'free'. I knew what it meant and she was all smiles as she looked down at it herself. "Isn't it neat?"
I laughed and looked at the little tiny lettering. "Yeah, cute is a good word for it. I mean, once you get your whole arm done, I may have to call it something else."
She pushed me and started laughing too. "Well, it's big enough for me. Next I need to buy myself a Harley." She nudged me again while walking back to where the tournament was being held. I felt her arm reach inside of my one arm and I kissed the side of her head.
"Thanks for being here with me, Mom. It means a lot."
"This is where I belong, John. I love seeing you out there doing something you love. I just wish Charlie could have been here too."
I looked down at the ground to avoid eye contact with her. "Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen, especially not after last night."
She stopped walking and jumped in front of me to keep me from walking. "What happened?"
I shrugged. "I had a little too much to drink and called her a bunch of times. She made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me. I need to face the music that she's done with me. It
doesn't matter what I say or do, she will never give me another chance."
"Do you want me to call her?"
I shook my head. "As much as I appreciate that offer, it will only make her more mad. After she hung up on me she must have turned off her phone. I left her a message apologizing and telling her how much I loved her so the fact that she's never called must mean she's really done. It sucks, because I know she's the one that I want to be with." I could tell that my mother wasn't okay with me giving up. "Besides, I think that as long as I have you I will be alright." I put my arm around my mother and walked us back into the building.
The matches were still going on and the next round couldn't start until everyone was finished shooting. We sat down and I started studying some of the people I may have to play. Pool was all about strategy. Some players were shot makers. They could make a ball no matter where it was on the table, but others relied on the ability to play a safety. A safety allowed players to hide their opponent’s ball, making their next shot more difficult and sometimes impossible to make. While I tried to study each player,
my mind went back to Charlie. I thought about her kisses and the way she smiled even when I made her angry. I thought about how excited Ryan got when he made a shot that I had taught him. Life didn't always offer second chances, so my regretful decision of leaving her was going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Sure, I could hook up with other women and even pretend to give a damn about them, but there wasn't anyone out there that would ever compare to Charlie.
I'd exhausted myself with thoughts of her so much that I almost didn't even notice when they called my name to shoot. It was a good thing the guy I was shooting wasn't very good. I took my time and focused on each shot, finishing out the rack with little effort. Applause filled the room for only a couple of seconds while my opponent and I shook hands.
The further I got in the tournament, the longer I had to wait between matches. They couldn't give us an exact time, but I knew I had a couple hours to relax again. My mother wanted to go back to our motel and take a nap, but I needed a stiff drink so I could keep my cool. That last match was easy, but I noticed that I was
shaking as I stroked the stick. I couldn't be doing that if I wanted to shoot my best.
Once I got my mother situated and showed her where to find an alarm on her phone, I headed back to the lounge located at the main hotel where the tournament was being held. At first there wasn't many people around, but it didn't take long for a little thing to come and sit beside me. I saw her giving me the eye and called the bartender over to get her a drink. She was blonde and skinny and right away I found myself comparing her to Charlie. "I saw you shooting earlier. You're really good."
I looked down at my beer and waved the bartender down. "Hey, buddy, can you get me three shots of triple sec?" I looked over at the blonde. "You want one too?"
She giggled and shook her head. "No, I think I want to remember my night."
I downed the first shot. "Suit yourself." After finishing the last two, I pushed the small glasses away from my beer. "I'm trying to forget."
"Did you lose?"
"Not yet, but it's the girl I'm trying to forget." I felt her fingers sliding up my arm and looked over at her.