i 0d2125e00f277ca8 (74 page)

noticed you haven‟t been around much lately,” Liam manages

haltingly. “And I‟ve been feeling really bad about it. Zayn really misses

hanging out with you. He keeps saying we need to let you do what you

want to do, but I just feel bad because he‟s your best friend. I feel like

it‟s my fault, because you sort of vanished after the two of us got

together.”

God, Louis feels like such a prick. “Liam, it‟s not—”

“No, it‟s okay,” Liam interrupts. “Like, if you don‟t like me or

something, that‟s okay, I just feel bad for taking up all of Zayn‟s time

and stealing your best friend. I never meant to come between you or

anything.”

Louis rubs his forehead with one hand, pushing his fringe back. “No,

Liam, it‟s really fine. It‟s not that I don‟t like you. I like you a lot,

actually, and I‟m really happy for you and Zayn. It‟s not that at all,”

Louis tells him. A few of months ago he‟d have probably run

screaming from a conversation like this, but he doesn‟t want to do that

anymore. What the hell has not talking about his feelings done for him

lately? Plus, Liam has a face that makes you want to spill all your

secrets, and Louis is not nearly as immune as he used to be. “It‟s just

that it‟s kind of hard for me to be around the two of you sometimes.

Because of everything.”

“Because of Harry?” Liam says, and then immediately cringes at

himself. “Sorry.”

“No, it‟s fine,” Louis says. “Yeah, because of Harry.”

493

“Oh,” Liam says. “Well, that‟s good. I mean, wow, no, sorry, I didn‟t

mean it‟s good that you‟re sad about Harry, I just meant it‟s good that

you don‟t hate me. Although now you might because I‟m making a

complete prat of myself.”

Louis laughs a little ruefully. “It‟s okay. Really, it‟s okay. It‟s not like

he‟s Voldemort, we can say his name. But yeah, it‟s just... it‟s hard for

me to see you two so happy together sometimes. And that‟s my

problem, and it‟s not fair to Zayn for me to stop hanging out with him

because of that, and I‟m sorry for worrying the two of you.”

“No, I get it,” Liam says. “Is it—do we remind you of how you were?

I‟ve been there, I know how it can be.”

“Sort of?” Louis says, taking his glasses off to clean them. “It‟s more

that you remind me of how we weren‟t, I guess. There were a lot of

things that I couldn‟t do with Harry, a lot of things I can‟t do and won‟t

ever get a chance to, I guess, and fucking something up as badly as I

did means it kind of hurts to be around people who got it right.”

Liam looks at him consideringly, head cocked to the side like a golden

retriever. “You‟re so sure it‟s over, then? I mean, I didn‟t know you

very well back then, but you seemed good together.”

Sliding his glasses back on, Louis sighs. “Sometimes being good

together isn‟t enough, Liam. I would give anything for things to have

ended differently, but it‟s too late now. It‟s over. So there‟s no use

worrying about what‟s done. I‟d rather focus on how I live now, and

part of that is figuring out how to be a better friend to Zayn. And to

you.”

Liam is still just looking at him. He opens his mouth and closes it a few

times, clearly trying to decide whether or not to say something.

Eventually he slides into one of the desks, leaning on his elbows. “Can

I tell you some stuff?” he says, sounding slightly confused by his own

words. “Stuff about me, I mean.”

494

Louis doesn't know where this is going, but if Liam is feeling self-

revelatory today he's not going to stop him. Maybe knowing him better

will make it easier to see him and Zayn as friends again, and not just

the walking embodiment of everything Louis' done wrong. He nods,

and Liam nods back, taking a deep breath and starting to talk.

"A couple of years ago, I was supposed to be getting married," Liam

begins. Louis remembers this, remembers Liam telling him he'd been

engaged while Zayn hid in a cupboard. "I'd been with this girl for ages,

and I was so in love with her, and we were planning a wedding and

everything, and it didn‟t work out. It wasn't really anybody's fault, but

we just sort of fell out of love. Well, she fell out of love with me,

mostly. I couldn't really understand it at the time, because I was so sure

that she and I were meant to get married and raise kids and have that

life. There was such a clear story, and then it just stopped. Fell apart.

And I was so upset about it that I took a job in Manchester just to get

away from all of that, and I didn't really know how I was ever going to

be happy without her."

Liam looks up to make sure Louis is still following. He nods at him to

continue, but he wonders what Liam is hoping to accomplish here.

Louis already knows that what seems like a fairytale can fall apart. This

isn't news to him, hasn't been since he was a teenager.

"I pretty much didn't do anything besides work when I first got here. I

definitely didn‟t try to find anyone else to be with. In my head, I was

supposed to be with her, you know? I couldn't imagine life going any

other way. That was who I was." He pauses for breath and then

continues, doing a piss-poor job of hiding his smile. "And then I met

Zayn. And I never, ever, ever expected to fall for somebody like him,

or anybody ever, really. But I did. Couldn't help it." He shrugs happily,

and Louis can't help but smile back.

"It took me totally off-guard, and I had no idea what to do about it. I

thought he was so cool and experienced and all that, and he had

terrifying friends like you, and I figured I never had a shot with him.

Plus there was the whole part where I never really liked a guy like that

before, or at least not so much that I would actually go after him. That

was really confusing, and I'm still not sure what it means, but, anyway,

495

the point is, I never thought he'd actually go for somebody like me."

Louis thinks about all the hours Zayn spent whining about Liam, and

wonders if Liam has any idea how wrong he actually was. He also

wonders if Liam has ever said this many words together in his life.

"I had myself tied in all these knots because of a story I was telling

myself, Louis. The way I felt about Zayn scared me, so I decided that

Zayn scared me, and I made up all these reasons for me to be afraid of

being with him. I very nearly convinced myself they were true, because

that was easier than actually taking the risk." Liam looks up from his

hands and looks Louis straight in the eyes. "That scares the hell out of

me, Louis, the fact that I almost tricked myself out of the best thing

that's ever happened to me because I was convinced I couldn't get that

lucky."

Louis isn't sure if his ears are ringing, or if Liam's words are just

ricocheting inside his brain.

"It's funny, because Zayn's always writing stories and talking about

stories, and that was what I was kind of getting mixed up in all along. I

got so caught up in telling myself how I thought it was going to

happen, or how I thought it should happen, and my own stupid

insecurities, that I sort of lost sight of what mattered, which was that

there was this person that I wanted to be with, this incredible person

who wanted to be with me too, and was telling himself an entirely

different story.

"I had no bloody idea what I was doing when I showed up at Zayn's

door after he stopped calling me. I kept telling myself how stupid I was

being the whole time I was going over, but I couldn't stop myself. Part

of me, the tiny secret smart part of me, set aside all the bullshit and saw

what was important, which was that I was happy when I was with him

and not happy when I wasn't. So I had to go see him. And I'm so glad I

did, because Zayn had given up me, and if I had never taken that

chance then I never would have gotten to see what we could be, which

is... pretty amazing. I just, I love him, Louis, so much, and I can't

imagine anything worse than if we had never talked again and he had

lived the rest of his life never knowing what he meant to me. That's the

worst ending I can think of.

496

"But that's the thing, though, there aren't really endings, are they? There

don't have to be, not unless we want there to be. Life keeps going, and

we keep going, and even if we can't rewrite we can still change our

minds. It's like Zayn says, we've got to write our own story, but we

don't have to stick with the plot we picked first, Louis. So that means

that happily ever after doesn't really exist, sure, but it means a lot of

better things do. If we go after them."

Liam stops talking, apparently out of words. Louis just sits there frozen

for what feels like at least a minute, staring at Liam, and then he feels

his mouth open and he hears his voice say, "Oh my God."

He's on his feet in less than a second, half tripping over cables and

cords as he runs back behind his desk and grabs his bag. He thinks he

might have kicked an extension cord halfway across the room, but he's

not sure. He definitely doesn't care.

Fuck it. Fuck being afraid, fuck talking himself down, fuck pretending

he doesn‟t feel the way that he does. Fuck giving up, even if it's too

late. It's not too late to stop lying, at least.

"Louis?" Liam says as Louis knocks over half the things on his desk in

a clumsy rush, grabbing his keys and his phone. "What are you doing?"

Louis stops halfway to the door, eyes wide, and he's sure he looks

absolutely mad but it's the last thing he's thinking about right now. This

is the closest he's felt to sane in months.

"I've got to get on a train," he says. "There's a two o'clock train, and I

have to be on it."

He runs out the door and makes it ten steps into the hallway before he

turns around, runs back, and hugs Liam as hard as he can. He hopes his

fingers digging into Liam‟s back say everything he doesn‟t have time

for right now. One last rib-cracking squeeze, and he sprints off again.

He‟s running very, very late.

497

498

Louis slams open the door to his flat with enough force that it hits the

opposite wall and bounces back closed. By that time, though, he‟s

already at the rubbish drawer in the kitchen, rummaging around in a

panic. He knows it‟s in here, knows for a fact that he put it in this

drawer after he fished it out of the bin—there! He pulls out the business

card Zayn gave him, dog-eared and tea-stained but still legible, and

carefully slides it into his wallet. As he moves to close the drawer he

spots something else in the far back corner, almost hidden under

electrical tape and used-up batteries. He stares at it for a moment before

closing the drawer forcefully.