Authors: Natsume Soseki
My master’s glance at Waverhouse reveals a deepening disgust.
“Since we cannot be sure whether or not he’ll gain a doctorate, you’ll have to ask us something else.”Waverhouse seems equally displeased.
“Is he still just studying that terrestrial something?”
“A few days ago,” my master quite innocently offers, “he made a speech on the results of his investigation of the mechanics of hanging.”
“Hanging? How dreadful! He must be peculiar. I don’t suppose he could ever become a doctor by devoting himself to hanging.”
“It would of course be difficult for him to gain a doctorate if he actually hanged himself, but it is not impossible to become a doctor through study of the mechanics of hanging.”
“Is that so?” she answers, trying to read my master’s expression. It’s a sad, sad thing but, since she does not know what mechanics are, she cannot help feeling uneasy. She probably thinks that to ask the meaning of such a trifling matter might involve her in loss of face. Like a fortuneteller, she tries to guess the truth from facial expressions. My master’s face is glum. “Is he studying anything else, something more easy to understand?”
“He once wrote a treatise entitled ‘A Discussion of the Stability of Acorns in Relation to the Movements of Heavenly Bodies.’”
“Does one really study such things as acorns at a university?”
“Not being a member of any university, I cannot answer your question with complete certainty, but since Coldmoon is engaged in such studies, the subject must undoubtedly be worth studying.” With a dead-pan face,Waverhouse makes fun of her.
Madam Conk seems to have realized that her questions about matters of scholarship have carried her out of her depth, for she changes the subject. “By the way,” she says, “I hear that he broke two of his front teeth when eating mushrooms during the New Year season.”
“True, and a rice-cake became fixed on the broken part.”
Waverhouse, feeling that this question is indeed up his street, suddenly becomes light-hearted.
“How unromantic! I wonder why he doesn’t use a toothpick!”
“Next time I see him, I’ll pass on your sage advice,” says my master with a chuckle.
“If his teeth can be snapped on mushrooms, they must be in very poor condition. What do you think?”
“One could hardly say such teeth were good. Could one, Waverhouse?”
“Of course they can’t be good, but they do provide a certain humor.
It’s odd that he hasn’t had them filled. It really is an extraordinary sight when a man just leaves his teeth to become mere hooks for snagging rice-cakes.”
“Is it because he lacks the money to get them filled or because he’s just so odd that he leaves them unattended to?”
“Ah, you needn’t worry. I don’t suppose he will continue as Mr.
Broken Front Tooth for any long time.” Waverhouse is evidently regaining his usual bouyancy.
Madam Conk again changes the subject. “If you should have some letter or anything which he’s written, I’d like to see it.”
“I have masses of postcards from him. Please have a look at them,” and my master produces some thirty or forty postcards from his study.
“Oh, I don’t have to look at so many of them. . . perhaps two or three would do. . .”
“Let me choose some for you,” offers Waverhouse, adding as he selects a picture postcard, “Here’s an interesting one.”
“Gracious! So he paints pictures as well? Rather clever that,” she exclaims. But after examining the picture she remarks “How very silly!
It’s a badger! Why on earth does he have to paint a badger of all things!
Strange. But it does indeed look like a badger.” She is, albeit reluctantly, mildly impressed.
“Read what he’s written beside it,” suggests my master with a laugh.
Madam Conk begins to read aloud like a servant-girl deciphering a newspaper.
“On New Year’s Eve, as calculated under the ancient calendar, the mountain badgers hold a garden party at which they dance excessively.
Their song says, ‘This evening, being New Year’s Eve, no mountain hikers will come this way.’ And bom-bom-bom they thump upon their bellies. What is he writing about? Is he not being a trifle frivolous?” Madam Conk seems seriously dissatisfied.
“Doesn’t this heavenly maiden please you?” Waverhouse picks out another card on which a kind of angel in celestial raiment is depicted as playing upon a lute.
“The nose of this heavenly maiden seems rather too small.”
“Oh no, that’s about the average size for an angel. But forget the nose for the moment and read what it says,” urges Waverhouse.
“It says ‘Once upon a time there was an astronomer. One night he went as was his wont high up into his observatory, and, as he was intently watching the stars, a beautiful heavenly maiden appeared in the sky and began to play some music; music too delicate ever to be heard on earth. The astronomer was so entranced by the music that he quite forgot the dark night’s bitter cold. Next morning the dead body of the astronomer was found covered with pure white frost. An old man, a liar, told me that this story was all true.’ What the hell is this? It makes no sense, no nothing. Can Coldmoon really be a bachelor of science?
Perhaps he should read a few literary magazines.”Thus mercilessly does Madam Conk lambaste the defenseless Coldmoon.
Waverhouse for fun selects a third postcard and says, “Well then, what about this one?” The card has a sailing boat printed on it and, as usual, there is something scribbled underneath the picture.
Last night a tiny whore of sixteen summers
Declared she had no parents.
Like a plover on a reefy coast,
She wept on waking in the early morning.
Her parents, sailors both, lie at the bottom of the sea.
“Oh, that’s good. How very clever! He’s got real feeling,” erupted Madam Conk.
“Feeling?” says Waverhouse.
“Oh yes,” says Madam Conk. “That would go well on a
samisen
.
“If it could be played on the
samisen
, then it’s the real McCoy. Well, how about these?” asks Waverhouse picking out postcard after postcard.
“Thank you, but I’ve seen enough. For now, at least I know that Coldmoon’s not a straight-laced prude.” She thinks she has achieved some real understanding and appears to have no more queries about Coldmoon, for she remarks, “I’m sorry to have troubled you. Please do not report my visit to Mr. Coldmoon.” Her request reflects her selfish nature in that she seems to feel entitled to make a thorough investigation of Coldmoon whilst expecting that none of her activities should be revealed to him. Both Waverhouse and my master concede a half-hearted “Y-es,” but as Madam Conk gets up to leave, she consolidates their assent by saying, “I shall, of course, at some later date repay you for your services.”
The two men showed her out and, as they resumed their seats, Waverhouse exclaimed, “What on earth is that?” At the very same moment my master also ejaculated, “Whatever’s that?” I suppose my master’s wife could not restrain her laughter any longer, for we heard her gurgling in the inner-room.
Waverhouse thereupon addressed her in a loud voice through the sliding door. “That, Mrs. Sneaze, was a remarkable specimen of all that is conventional, of all that is ‘common or garden.’ But when such characteristics become developed to that incredible degree the result is positively staggering. Such quintessence of the common approximates to the unique. Don’t seek to restrain yourself. Laugh to your heart’s content.”
With evident disgust my master speaks in tones of the deepest revulsion. “To begin with,” he says, “her face is unattractive.”
Waverhouse immediately takes the cue. “And that nose, squatting, as it were, in the middle of that phiz, seems affectedly unreal.”
“Not only that, it’s crooked.”
“Hunchbacked, one might say. A hunchbacked nose! Quite extraordinary.” And Waverhouse laughs in genuine delight.
“It is the face of a woman who keeps her husband under her bottom.”
My master still looks resentful.
“It is a sort of physiognomy that, left unsold in the nineteenth century, becomes in the twentieth shop-soiled.”Waverhouse produces another of his invariably bizarre remarks. At which juncture my master’s wife emerges from the inner-room and, being a woman and thus aware of the ways of women, quietly warns them, “If you talk such scandal, the rickshaw-owner’s wife will snitch on you again.”
“But, Mrs. Sneaze, to hear such tattle will do that Goldfield woman no end of good.”
“But it’s self-demeaning to calumniate a person’s face. No one sports that sort of nose as a matter of choice. Besides, she is a woman. You’re going a little too far.” Her defense of the nose of Madam Conk is simultaneously an indirect defense of her own indifferent looks.
“We’re not unkind at all. That creature isn’t a woman. She’s just an oaf. Waverhouse, am I not right?”
“Maybe an oaf, but a formidable character nonetheless. She gave you quite a tousling, didn’t she just?”
“What does she take a teacher for, anyway?”
“She ranks a teacher on roughly the same level as a rickshaw-owner.
To earn the respect of such viragoes one needs to have at least a doctor’s degree. You were ill-advised not to have taken your doctorate. Don’t you agree, Mrs. Sneaze?”Waverhouse looks at her with a smile.
“A doctorate? Quite impossible.” Even his wife despairs of my master.
“You never know. I might become one, one of these days. You mustn’t always doubt my worth. You may well be ignorant of the fact, but in ancient times a certain Greek, lsocrates, produced major literary works at the age of ninety-four. Similarly, Sophocles was almost a centenarian when he shook the world with his masterpiece. Simonides was writing wonderful poetry in his eighties. I, too. . .”
“Don’t be silly. How can you possibly expect, you with your stomach troubles, to live that long.” Mrs. Sneaze has already determined my master’s span of life.
“How dare you! Just go and talk to Dr. Amaki. Anyway, it’s all your fault. It’s because you make me wear this crumpled black cotton surcoat and this patched-up kimono that I am despised by women like Mrs.
Goldfield.Very well then. From tomorrow I shall rig myself out in such fineries as Waverhouse is wearing. So get them ready.”
“You may well say ‘get them ready,’ but we don’t possess any such elegant clothes. Anyway, Mrs. Goldfield only grew civil to Waverhouse after he’d mentioned his uncle’s name. Her attitude was in no way conditioned by the ill-condition of your kimono.” Mrs. Sneaze has neatly dodged the charge against her.
The mention of that uncle appears to trigger my master’s memory, for he turns to Waverhouse and says, “That was the first I ever heard of your uncle. You never spoke of him before. Does he, in fact, exist?”
Waverhouse has obviously been expecting this question, and he jumps to answer it. “Yes, that uncle of mine, a remarkably stubborn man. He, too, is a survival from the nineteenth century.” He looks at husband and wife.
“You do say the quaintest things. Where does this uncle live?” asks Mr.
Sneaze with a titter.
“In Shizuoka. But he doesn’t just live. He lives with a top-knot still on his head. Can you beat it? When we suggest he should wear a hat, he proudly answers that he has never found the weather cold enough to don such gear. And when we hint that he might be wise to stay abed when the weather’s freezing, he replies that four hour’s sleep is sufficient for any man. He is convinced that to sleep more than four hours is sheer extravagance, so he gets up while it’s still pitch-dark. It is his boast that it took many long years of training so to minimize his sleeping hours. ‘When I was young,’ he says,‘it was indeed hard because I felt sleepy, but recently I have at last achieved that wonderful condition where I can sleep or wake, anywhere, anytime, just as I happen to wish.’ It is of course natural that a man of sixty-seven should need less sleep. It has nothing to do with early training, but my uncle is happy in the belief that he has succeeded in attaining his present condition entirely as a result of rigorous self-discipline. And when he goes out, he always carries an iron fan.”
“Whatever for?” asks my master.
“l haven’t the faintest idea. He just carries it. Perhaps he prefers a fan to a walking stick. As a matter of fact an odd thing happened only the other day.”Waverhouse speaks to Mrs. Sneaze.
“Ah yes?” she noncommittally responds.
“In the spring this year he wrote to me out of the blue with a request that I should send him a bowler hat and a frock-coat. I was somewhat surprised and wrote back asking for further clarification. I received an answer stating that the old man himself intended to wear both items on the occasion of the Shizuoka celebration of the war victory, and that I should therefore send them quickly. It was an order. But the quaintness of his letter was that it enjoined me ‘to choose a hat of suitable size and, as for the suit, to go and order one from Daimaru of whatever size you think appropriate.’”
“Can one get suits made at Daimaru?”
“No. I think he’d got confused and meant to say at Shirokiya’s.”