I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class (26 page)

Usually by pretending to be scared of him. It’s funnier that way.

I actually bought the company where her mother works, several years ago, just so I could transfer her to another office in some barren, godless place, like Death Valley or San Diego. Then Tati would have to move far, far from here. I haven’t gotten around to that yet.

The first time I’d ever seen her raise her hand before speaking in class.

I don’t mind; it feels like a little hug.

Don’t be such a baby. He just got the breath knocked out of him.

Actually, my memory goes back a little farther than that. I can remember the royal-purple walls of my mother’s womb. Beautiful.

I had learned to understand English by listening to the nurses at the hospital. Some Spanish, too.

I soon put that computer to much better use.

According to my Research Department: Rhena Vinson grew up to be a divorce lawyer in Fargo, North Dakota; Louis Goldberg is a massage therapist; Heather Grich was the most successful—she was president of a bank in Chicago. Then she had a nervous breakdown. She now works as a middle-school teacher.

My father’s alma mater, and the school I will someday attend.

I work up a real appetite in P.E.

Why are you looking down here? Did you honestly think I would give you the combination? My God, you’re stupider than you look.

Phase Two wouldn’t work in this case. Pinckney’s the type who calls the cops when you try to blackmail him.

I was going to melt it down and send the remains to Bill Gates. I’m a real jerk sometimes.

Or villain.

Daddy calls them “the future.” Chilling thought.

And sporting the most lavish growth of nostril hair I’ve ever seen on a seventh grader.

BUREAUCRAT (
n
.): Someone who sits behind a desk and tells you that you can’t do something.

Basically, I want to be two years old forever.

The punishment for anyone caught playing it would involve being forced to listen to “Jingle Bell Rock” over and over again.

Allegedly. I wasn’t there—I’ve just read a few magazine articles, which could be complete lies. But it would be a shame if it weren’t true.

Actually,
you
probably
would
say it wasn’t worth it. Back in the cage!

Ugh. He’s probably wearing it ironically, but still: ugh.

I’d like to see him try. An Abrams tank couldn’t knock down that door.

Formerly known as the “J.H. Bruce Tobacco Company.”

Basic Russian pronunciation. Emphasis goes on the second-to-last syllable.

She won them when her mother was the millionth customer at a local bank.

Although this does make Tati’s attitude seem a little more callous than usual. Tomorrow the bank will call her mother, say she was actually only the 999,999th customer, and demand those sunglasses back.

Maybe that will teach him not to yell out unkind remarks about certain candidates eating certain other candidates during school assemblies. His dermatologist is one of my agents.

All transcripts copied verbatim from the original recordings. All of my agents wear recording devices.

I was drinking strawberry-flavored milk when I listened to this. I laughed so hard, the milk went out my nose—not unusual. But
then
my oxygen-deprived lungs sucked in air so hard
I sucked the milk back into my mouth and it went out my nose again
! Playing with Moorhead and Sokolov is even more fun than I’d planned!

Progress. Previously she would have called him “imbecile.”

The blackmail material for Liz is weaker than the Jack stuff, so I’ve sent The Motivator, my most trusted agent, to seal the deal. He persuades through fear. No human being can look upon his horrible face without quaking in terror.

Note the shift to Phase Three.

Permission is not granted.

His fault. He’d complained when “Mom” smeared sunblock on him.

I taste vomit as I write these words.
Vomit
.

Okay, I know I made it sound like I decided not to care about my father when I was a baby, but this was the moment when I
really
realized I didn’t care about him. Permanently.

He cursed a lot, too, but they never play that part on the radio.

It didn’t help that Hitler—the creep with the moustache—insisted it be decorated with swastikas. He had
lots
of enemies.

The maternal instinct is strong in this one.

At least that kind of makes sense. Liz announced she was dropping out so she “could spend more time with [her] family.”

It’s his signature sound.

Not that I care.

Man does not live by Beefheart alone.

I will also overlook the misuse of the epithet
brave
to describe Ulysses. Look at the
Odyssey
—he’s always called “sly Ulysses,” never “brave Ulysses.” I respect him for that, by the way. Any idiot can be brave.

She smells like soap and herbal tea.

She has a free period but doesn’t go to the teachers lounge anymore.

Call this Part Two of my Great Evil Plan:
Hire Someone to Run (and Ruin) The Chump’s Campaign.

Or fighting. Pretty much the same thing with cats.

I know. He does that a lot.

You guessed it—Step Three of the Great Evil Plan:
Get the Chump to Run
.

Note that I didn’t tell him to actually
read
the book.

This is what’s known as a
segue
.

The thieves only stole two small pieces of Moon rock.

Okay, that’s not completely true. I had them leave one of Miley Cyrus’s fingerprints just to blow the F.B.I.’s minds.

I’m waiting for a certain someone to notice we’re playing with his favorite T-shirt.

Or so my Research Department tells me.

That’s smarty-pants rule No.1: Make it look like you’ve read every book
twice
.

Handwriting analysis will prove that this was written by Jacob Wong, a sixth grader. He will always wonder why his favorite TV show was suddenly canceled.

The job was done for a very reasonable fee by the Sheldrake Construction Company.

The Electrolyzer only works on objects that conduct electricity well, like most metals. That’s science.

Want to know something funny? I actually don’t hate public television. Just the station my Daddy runs.

That’s a new one.

Tati made this one herself.

I, of course, do not appear on the list, since I only
pretend
to be pathetic.

Of course, I have a warehouse full of refrigerated Twinkies downstairs, but somehow they taste better when Mom puts them in the fridge.

I didn’t; I checked.

As recommended by cigarette #5.

Though it may just
seem
fatter because the rest of him is thinner.

Personally, I wear flannel pajamas decorated with choo-choo trains, though it’s getting harder to find them in my size.

My Research Department can provide him with these pictures if he needs them. They have dozens.

Remind me to buy her a present.

I hear Alan Pitt exercises his precious gift every day before lunch. Har.

His hair smells like pineapples.

My scientists will immediately start work on breeding a pet unicorn.

I assume Agent Silveri says, “this room,” but I can’t be sure because someone (Agent Jablon?) farts directly into the hidden microphone at this moment.

Aside from multiple bloody noses, skinned knees, and other boo-boos. Jack Chapman broke a finger, but he probably just had it up his nose when somebody hit him.

Latin for “Bullies get what’s coming to them.” It’s what John Wilkes Booth yelled when he shot Lincoln, which makes it a pretty stupid thing for Daddy to throw around.

Actually, two Oscar-winning screenwriters are working on my speech.

A dead Italian who wrote an early self-help book.

Maybe the drool is supposed to be venom?

Even though I
know
I have no reason to worry.

These interruptions are getting annoying.

Cory ends up with two black eyes and a belief that he, too, saw a lightning bolt.

His conversion to “not being bad” seems to be wearing off. He may need another playdate with me.

I like betting on long shots, but I’m not a fool.

That’s what we call soft drinks here in Omaha.

“Someday we will smile to look back upon even this”: Aeneas to his men, after their city had been destroyed by crafty Ulysses, their families killed, and their ships wrecked.