Read I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that Online
Authors: The Betches
Also realize that there are many commitment-phobic men out there, especially in their twenties, who aren’t looking for anything serious. They may be open to the idea, sure, but they’re definitely not actively looking for it, and the odds of you being the one to make them realize the power of true love are pretty fucking slim. And even though you can practically hear the vows he will say to move your guests to tears at your getaway wedding in Capri, it’s not going to change his decision that he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Instead, your absurd fantasies will just make it that much more painful when and if he eventually pulls away.
Dear Betches,
I’ve recently met a super-hot pro with whom I’ve really hit it off. He’s a total gentleman and has asked me out on a few dates, and things have been going great. Over the weekend, it was his friend’s birthday so we all went out to the club together. After a hot night of drinking and dancing I finally let him take me home. Everything was going great until he took his pants off . . . this guy is small down there, and quite significantly, might I add. He’s literally the smallest I’ve ever seen, and so the sex was bad. I don’t know what to do, as I really like this guy and he’s awesome in every other aspect.
This situation is fairly recent however, so it wouldn’t be too late for me to back out since I haven’t developed any major feelings yet. But honestly I do want to keep seeing him because he’s a fantastic guy in every other respect. My question is: Is this something I can/should deal with, or will I just become more bitter about it over time, so it’s best to end things now? I know you can’t decide for me, I just wanted to get some advice/general knowledge from you as my besties haven’t been much help in that department.
Sincerely,
Too Small to Please
Dear Too Small to Please,
Discovering that a guy who’s otherwise great has a small penis is always a letdown. These guys also often have pretty good personalities because they need to compensate for something. Take comfort in the fact that even though your guy isn’t physically cocky, he isn’t personality-wise, either.
Unless you’re Samantha Jones, I’ve never heard of someone harboring secret bitter resentment toward someone else for having a small penis. Like, a small engagement ring—definitely, but I can’t remember the last time my bestie told me about a fight with her boyfriend where he was like, “Could you be nicer to my mom?” and she was like, “Can you grow a bigger dick?”
That being said, if the sex is bad and unexciting, the relationship is going to suck. There are plenty of ways for a guy to make up for the fact that he’s not well-endowed. If he’s not pleasing you with sex alone, make sure he goes down on you or finds a position where he can get in deeper. The small penis thing shouldn’t be a dealbreaker unless he sucks at all other sexual shit, too. Most guys know how to make up for their sexual limitations. I’m sure he’s not operating under the delusion that he’s huge. If he doesn’t make sure you’re sexually satisfied, that’s a different story, and in that case you should break up with him. Sex is an extremely important part of a relationship, and if it’s not good now, it’s going to really suck once you’re two years in and things aren’t
fresh anymore. And hey, in the words of Larry David, it’s possible that you just have a big vagina.
Sincerely,
The Betches
SPARK NOTES
The time between casual dating and defining the relationship can cause a shit-ton of anxiety. Does he like me or does he
like me
like me? Why hasn’t he returned my texts in under ten minutes?
He’s totally ghosting me!
On the other hand, it’s easy to let your mind wander to places it hasn’t yet been invited to wander. You can get caught up in a fantasy relationship that doesn’t exist. This is harmful because it stops you from seeing who the real person in front of you is, receding hairline and all.
At this stage the most important thing to do is stay calm and NOT get ahead of yourself. Try and stay in fun, casual mode and the guys will come running. In general . . .
•
Show a guy who you are without scaring the shit out of him. This means not overreacting to things, playing it cool, and
slowly
revealing personal information about yourself.
•
You can and should keep seeing other guys at this stage of the game. He has every right to see other people until you guys clarify that you’re exclusive.
•
Don’t stalk him or even follow him on social media. It’s best to not know what he’s doing
when you’re not around if for no other reason than it’s none of your fucking business yet.
•
Don’t emotionally masturbate. He’s just a regular guy: Don’t make a life for the two of you as a couple when you don’t even really know him yet.
N
ow that you and your guy have both decided you’re not just hooking up, this is the stage of your relationship when it gets tricky. Why? Because of all the uncertainty of the future of you as a couple and, of course, the increased pressure to buy new outfits (at this point, you’ve already worn all your good ones). As a betch, the latter won’t be hard at all, but the former will be somewhat complicated. Now’s the time to figure out if he—and this relationship—is what you actually want while also maintaining your mystery. Here, we’ll let the Head Pro explain.
Chill the Fuck Out, He Is Not Your Boyfriend Yet by Head Pro
E
veryone—male, female, vegetable, and mineral—bemoans “the Game.” “I’m tired of the drama and playing these games!” you wail. “Why can’t I just tell a guy I like him? Why can’t a guy just come out and say he’s not interested?” This is what people who are bad at the Game say. And yet, for all the pissing and moaning people do, wishing they could just wear their feelings as T-shirt designs, do you know anyone who actually does it? Do you know anyone who runs around happily fucking everyone they want, blissfully free from the shackles of conformity? And no, Lindsay Lohan doesn’t count, mostly because she traded the shackles of conformity for actual shackles.
There are people who think they do, though, the “I’m over/too old/too good for playing games” types. You know these girls. You may even
be
one of these girls. If you show me someone who hasn’t put some version of that in an online dating profile, I’ll show you someone who’s never used the Internet, because they’re like, eighty years old. These people, to put it bluntly, are full of shit.
“When you really don’t like a guy, they’re all over you, and as soon as you act like you like them, they’re no longer interested.”
—Beyoncé
Saying “I don’t play games” is just another form of the Game, and not a particularly clever or truthful one at that. That’s because just about everyone misunderstands what the Game is. For a lot of misled girls, the Game means being willfully obtuse, playing hard to get for the sake of playing hard to get. For the kinds of men who hang out on men’s rights activist message boards, the Game is trickery, manipulation, and outright hacking a woman’s brain into giving up all that sex she’s being so stingy with. You may view these types as being very sad, despicable people. You are not wrong; they are wrong about the Game.
“A rich man doesn’t need to tell you he’s rich.”
—Neil Strauss,
The Game
The Game is not lies. The Game is how we convey to the opposite sex the way we want to be viewed without being so overt as to say “I am a cool guy, please touch my boner.” The Game is marketing. A sales pitch, much like nearly all facets of human life. An ad for a Chanel bag is 90 percent about appealing to the lifestyle you wish for yourself, and 10 percent about showing the actual bag—it’s why they can charge you thousands of dollars for thirty dollars’ worth of leather. When you apply for a job, you don’t scrawl
AM GOOD WORKER, GIVE JOB YES?
in red crayon on notebook paper—you send in a resume that’s pages of
trumped-up bullshit (no, Karen, going to Canada to get shitfaced on your eighteenth birthday doesn’t count as “international experience”) intended to sell you to the employer as a total package.
You know that guy who comes off as shady, the guy with slick lines who never answers text messages in a timely manner and always “has plans.” He’s telling you exactly how he wants you to perceive him: He’s an in-demand guy who can’t be tamed and doing so will require a lot of sacrifice on your part. The girl who “doesn’t play games” is simply telling guys she’s a cool girl who’s not like other girls, because she thinks that’s what men want to hear. Can the message be deceptive? Sure. Sometimes Mr. Shady Bro is just a loser who’s never known the sweet caress of a woman. Sometimes Ms. No Games plays a
shitload
of mind games once she has a guy interested. Sometimes diet pills are just capsules of sawdust and broken dreams. The difference is, the FCC doesn’t field complaints for false romantic advertising. I know, I’ve tried.
We all play the Game because it’s unavoidable—virtually everything we do is intended for consumption by others, and thus passes through our own internal PR departments. The Game is advertising. The Game is branding.
The Game is all of us. So let’s play.
You’ve been hooking up with some guy for a little while and so far it’s been pretty good. You guys meet up drunk at bars
with your friends a few weekends in a row, he sleeps over several times, and texts you throughout the week to see how it’s going . . . all signs seemingly point to a continuing relationship. The next week rolls around and suddenly he stops texting you. Just like that. No fade-out, no one-word responses, no lame excuses not to chill like,
I’m in desperate need of a haircut
or
My boy is hosting a pregame this week.
Sorry Betch, but you’ve been ghosted.
There’s a big difference between being ghosted after one date and being ghosted when you’ve been on a handful of dates and
likely
perhaps have already emotionally masturbated yourself into a “relationship.” The short story is that one hurts much more than the other. When a guy ghosts you after you’ve been seeing each other for a while, it hurts a lot fucking more because you take it more personally. “But I thought we had a connection!” you cry. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. Much like the existence of God or the nutritional benefits of juice cleanses, you’ll never know what’s up for real so it’s best not to overly concern yourself with the “truth.”
So what do you do? For one, you definitely don’t berate him with “??????????” texts. That’ll definitely make you look like a fucking idiot. Not only will he not respond, but he’ll show his friends his phone like,
Yo this chick won’t leave me alone, good thing I dodged that crazy bitch.
What you have to do is mentally cope with the fact that it’s over. You’ve got to let go, Jack, you’ve got to let go.
Here’s how:
As with any type of emotional wound, denial comes first, therefore acceptance is always the initial and most difficult obstacle to overcome. But you’re a betch and if you were/are able to black out four nights a week yet still graduate college in eight semesters, there’s nothing you can’t handle. Remember, he’s just a dude who has fucking issues of his own. Shit happens.
“Just because I tasted her cum or spit or could tell you her middle name or knew what record she liked, that doesn’t mean anything, that’s not a connection. Anyone can have that. Really knowing someone is something else. It’s a completely different thing, and when it happens, you won’t be able to miss it, you will be aware, and you won’t hurt or be afraid.”
—Adam,
Girls
The last thing you should be doing is sitting around waiting for him to text you. Not only will that drive you insane, but also it’ll stop you from actually moving on and make you super boring. Closure is for ugly people.
Once you’ve accepted that it’s over and he’s not going to text you, you’re probably going to start replaying the entire “relationship” (that wasn’t) over in your head until you want to vomit. Despite how many times you tell yourself not to, you will, so we’ll just explain how to make it quick. Go over everything
that happened, but don’t be one-sided about it. It’s very possible you did something wrong (or at least something he didn’t like), and if you did, it’s almost easier to move on because you can learn from your mistakes.
This is obviously much easier for those who are smart enough to self-reflect. For those who aren’t, we don’t know what to tell you. Call your mom.
About fifty percent of the time it’s not you, it’s him. This guy clearly wasn’t—and therefore isn’t—worth your time. Even though the reason for the ghosting could have been your fault, it could also have had absolutely nothing to do with you. It also could have been a combo. Either way, don’t be upset about some nobody. Go work out, go shopping, go out, and get drunk. Go do what you need to do to make yourself feel super hot because you are (unless you’re like, not). Betches don’t have time for people who waste their time, remember? Move on!
Here’s a tip: Always have two to three guys on deck. This way when one pulls away, you don’t feel as bad and you’re still getting attention from one to two other guys. Just don’t have sex with all of them. That’s super slutty and will emotionally fuck you up more than if you saw like, an actual ghost.
Now for the opposite of ghosting. What’s worse than the guys who disappear? The Peter Pans of the world who string you along for months—sometimes years—giving
just enough
to make you hope they’ll materialize into relationship material. Despite
Sex and the City
’s best efforts to convey otherwise, this NEVER happens. Once it becomes clear that this guy does not want anything serious, it’s your job to recognize this and move on. Which leads us to the dreaded Almost Boyfriend.