I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (29 page)

How to date:
1) look pretty 2) feel pretty 3) say what you mean 4) hold back in your actions. Even though it’s last, number four is perhaps most essential to the dating process. You may want to text a guy you’ve been on two dates with like, eight of your twenty feelings but one feeling will suffice, if even that. This analogy can apply to almost everything you do at the start of a relationship. You really want to have sex with a guy, and you’ll prob end up giving him a blow job, but just hard-core making out and maybe a little groping would suffice. Holding back makes guys want you more. It’s science, betches.

Ever heard of Emotional Masturbation? No? Well, that’s because we made it up. That is, we gave a name to a very real epidemic in the female population. Emotional Masturbation means spending the rest of your week daydreaming about the wedding of you and the guy who said “yo” to you in an UberPool. EM is really bad for you because you can become
attached to a dream version of someone who is probably a boring asshole. In short, don’t put the penis on the pedestal.

Sex:
Don’t be a prude. Sex is fun. If you don’t have it, then your boyfriend is just a friend, right? It also makes you happier, relieves tension, and is exercise. If he stops giving a shit because of the routine or some other issue in your relationship, then take away some of his intimate privileges.
Like, no you can’t shower with me if you don’t go down on me. K Bye.
Mix shit up, be vocal, be bold. And if he’s still indifferent or difficult, kindly remind him that if he doesn’t want to do it, someone else will.

The most important thing to remember in any relationship, be it with yourself or with a guy, is that you should always do your best. Yes, that obviously means you should be caring and give a shit about your significant other, but what’s also extremely important (and that no one talks about) is the significance of not letting yourself go. If you’re a middle-aged divorcée no one’s going to care that you were a knockout when you were twenty-five. You need to make sure you’re always looking your best because then you’ll not only look great, you’ll feel great and most of all, your husband will still want to fuck you.

Sex is key to any long-term relationship, so don’t think just because you got a ring you can relinquish any mystery you
have. Keep your Botox discreet, make sure you hit the gym, and keep doing things that make you interesting, like taking classes or volunteering. This will make you happier and your relationship stronger and it will also make your husband try harder so you don’t wake up one morning next to Brendan Fraser. Don’t be the miserable fat housewife with no way out. Always look and feel your best.

All of the advice you got in this book is based on our life experiences and the stories of us, our friends, families, enemies, and celebrities. Take all of this shit with a grain of salt because honestly, we made a lot of it up. There are obviously a lot of exceptions to the rules we lay out in this book. There are seven billion people in the world, at least like, five of them will marry a person they fuck on the first date. Having said that, this book is mostly comprised of hard truths that will work for you 95 percent of the time. Did we also just make up that statistic? Yeah we did, whatever. Get used to it.

If you’re happy doing what you’re doing and after reading this, you slam it down while texting your bestie that we don’t know shit about shit and he’s like, totally going to text, that’s totally fine. We’ve been delusional before, too. We know it takes many years of life experience and many comforting bottles of Malbec to realize that not everyone will love you.
This book is meant to help identify those assholes before they waste any more of your time.

We’ve been through it all. We’ve dated nice guys, mean guys, commitmophobes. Bros with daddy issues, bros with mommy issues, bros with drug issues, intimacy issues, and no issues. We’ve read dating books, studied psychology, talked to assholes, talked to our friends (some of whom are assholes), talked to happy people, talked to miserable people, and talked to people who have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about all in an effort to bring you this masterpiece.

One thing we have learned is that there are three things that are certain in life: Death, taxes, and the importance of having game. Sure times change, technology has made dating easier yet simultaneously more complex, and social media increased the need for strategy and manipulation. But romance, staying desired, and keeping a guy always wanting more will always be true whether it’s 1916 or 2016. So rip the tags off that crop top, pour a vodka soda, and go have yourself anything but a “nice” time. It’s fucking Saturday night.

W
e’d like to take a break from thinking about ourselves to acknowledge the people that helped us write this book and pushed us to become the semi-mature young adults that have written our second masterpiece.

To Alyssa, for “showing us the money,” pushing us to not be lazy even when we really, really wanted to be, and believing in our ability to work moderately hard when we put our minds to it. To Kate, for still being our favorite nicegirl and whose comma placement edits remind us that there’s more to books than being really, really ridiculously
good looking
funny.

We’d like to thank our parents and our siblings for always supporting us in an effort to mold us into the Head Business Betches they always knew we could be, for indulging our insane ideas, and for assisting us in our journey to make a living off of talking about iced coffee, drugs, and dysfunctional relationships.

To our friends, hookups, and boyfriends, whose hilarious
and interesting stories we have listened to, cried over, and then exploited for our own financial gain. Without you guys we would have no content. Therefore, this book is dedicated to you for all that you’ve taught us about life, friendship, love, and wedding hashtags.

To the Head Pro, whose writing was a pivotal part of this book and whose wit and journalism never ceases to entertain both us and our fans.

We’d like to thank the rest of the Betches team. This includes our staff, writers, interns, our legal team, publicists, developers, sales team, and everyone else who helps us function semi-optimally on a daily basis so we can enjoy the occasional midday nap. And of course, to Sy, for teaching us what taxes are and how to not get investigated by the IRS—yet.

And finally, to our fans and followers who have kept us in business and who learn and laugh with us every day, allowing us to have the greatest jobs in the world. If we weren’t as fucked up as you are we wouldn’t be able to relate to you in our writing, fashion, and memes on a daily basis, and for that we are eternally grateful.

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Also by The Betches

Nice Is Just a Place in France

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