I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (30 page)

On the Friday morning that MTV was in Chicago filming me, around 4am, my appendix ruptured. The pain was so intense, it woke me from my sleep. It felt like my lower right abdomen had been stabbed with a rusty serrated kitchen knife and twisted around in my gut. I'm not sure how many Motrin I took, but it was well above the recommended dosage. If by "well above," I mean "half the bottle." For the rest of the time MTV filmed me, about 2 more days, I was in such incredible pain I nearly finished a bottle of Motrin. There are 100 to a bottle-kids, don't try this at home.

At the behest of my friends, many of them doctors, I decided to go to the ER. This decision was sealed by my conversation with Andrew, a surgery resident, "Dude, you could be in real trouble. You shouldn't play around with internal injuries. You need to go to the hospital. Like drop what you're doing and go immediately." That was at 11pm on Sunday night, and I went to ER right away.

I arrived at Cook County Hospital, parked my car and got in line to register at the desk. Right before the triage nurse got to me, an ambulance pulled up and unloaded a bleeding gunshot victim. I am not sure how many times he was shot, but I saw at least three holes. They even had to call a janitor to come wash blood off the floor.

At this scene, the triage nurse didn't even look up, and handed me my number. It is-I swear to god-187. I looked at my number, watched the paramedic disappear down the hallway with the low-rent Tupac, and walked right out the door. No fucking way. I don't believe in the supernatural and I'm not even the least bit superstitious, but some signs should not be ignored.

I was in agony all day the next day. I was on my sofa at around 10pm when a tsunami of agony crashed over me. Nothing I've ever experienced prepared me for this pain. I have broken an arm, some ribs and a hand, torn a rotator cuff, hyper-extended both knees, severely sprained both ankles, popped an eardrum, torn off fingernails, stepped on carpenter nails, had a plantar wart, etc, etc, so I thought I had experienced a wide and representative spectrum of pain. I was wrong.

It was so crippling, it took every bit of courage I had to reach from th
e
sofa to the table, pick up my phone, and call TheRoommate. He wa
s
in his bedroom
.

Roommate "Tucker, why are you calling me from the living room?
"
Tucker [barely audible whisper] "... hospital ...
"
Roommate "Oh shit! OK, OK, hold on'
"

By the time we got to Cook County, I was almost in shock the pain wa
s
so bad. A nurse rolled a wheelchair out to the car, brought me straigh
t
into the triage room and was about to take me back to the ER, whe
n
another nurse told her to instead take me to the nurses' station to tak
e
my blood pressure and temperature
.

On the way there she bumped me into every single chair, wall an
d
obstacle along the way. I groaned in pain at every nudge, each rattlin
g
my appendix at what felt like an 8 on the Richter scale. We got to th
e
nurses' station where the nurse, who was Asian and spoke a sort o
f
broken ghetto English, put me in line behind six people
.

I gaze at these people, and none seem to have critical, life-threatenin
g
internal injuries. This infuriated me. A rush of adrenaline enabled me t
o
muster a voice loud enough to completely silence the entire front o
f
the Cook County Emergency Room
:
Tucker "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHY AM I HERE? M
Y
FUCKING APPENDIX EXPLODED AND YOU WANT ME TO WAI
T
BEHIND SLAPPY AND HIS IN-GROWN TOENAIL?
"
Nurse "Are you in pain?
"

Tucker [This question inspires such utter disbelief I can only resort t
o
my basest reaction] "ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?
"
Nurse [Remember, this is in broken ghetto Asian] "HEY-You don go
t
to be rude. I'n just try-ing to hep you. You don got to disrespect. Ho
w
much it hurt?
"
Tucker "MY APPENDIX EXPLODED-MY FUCKING STOMAC
H
FEELS LIKE SOMEONE FUCKING STABBED ME. HOW WOUL
D
YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE STUCK A KNIFE IN YOUR STOMACH
?
YOU WOULDN'T BE IN A GOOD MOOD EITHER, MAMA-SAN.
"
Nurse "YOU GONNA STAB ME? [Turns to other nurses] "HE
Y
SHANDA, HE TELL ME HE GONNA STAB ME!
"
Nurse2 [Comes over to investigate] "You say you gonna stab her?
"
Tucker [I try to be calm about this] "I didn't say I was going to stab he
r
I was describing what my pain was like.
"

Nurse "HE SAY HE GONNA STAB ME. HE SAY HE GONNA STIC
K
KNIFE IN MY STOMACH.
"
Tucker [And there goes my patience] "I DIDN'T FUCKING SAY I WA
S
GONNA STAB YOU. LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH GODDAMIT!
I
WAS DESCRIBING MY PAIN YOU IDIOT!
"
Nurse "HE CALL ME IDIOT TOO!
"
Nurse2 "Sir, you need to be respectful or we are going to call the police
,
and you-
"

This was my breaking point. I just turned and started rolling my whee
l
chair towards the ER. The pain was still intense, but my adrenaline wa
s
so high I was able to manage it. I guess the nurses decided to go alon
g
because the ghetto Asian started pushing me towards the ER. Sh
e
lectured me the whole way to the ER about respect, telling everyon
e
she saw how I threatened to stab her
.

We got to the actual ER area and she rolled me into one of the triag
e
rooms and handed me off to an ER nurse
.
ER Nurse "So what's his problem?
"
Nurse "He call me idiot and say he gonna stab me.
"
ER Nurse [Turns to me] "Did you threaten to stab her?
"
Tucker "What? My fucking appendix ruptured.
"
Nurse "He say he gonna stick a knife in my stomach.
"
ER Nurse [Still looking at me] "Did you say you were going to stick
a
knife in her stomach?
"
Tucker [I am wincing in pain through this whole thing] "What? What i
s
this? NO! She asked me what my pain felt like and I said it felt like I go
t
stabbed. I'M THE ONE IN PAIN!
"

They laid me on a gurney and instead of attending to me and my pain
,
continued discussing my abusive and threatening behavior. Honestly
,
does anything ever go normally for me
?

Two doctors arrived almost immediately, a male attending and a femal
e
resident. They questioned me, poked my abdomen, etc, whe
n
the male doctor asked me to roll onto my side
:
Tucker "Roll on my side? What for?
"
Doctor "I need to check your prostate.
"
Tucker "WHAT?????? WITH YOUR HAND??
"
Doctor "Yes.
"
Tucker "IN MY BUTT??
"
Doctor "I have to, you may have serious colon or prostate problems
,
and the only way to check those is by hand.
"

Tucker "Well this is just FUCKING GREAT.
"
As he put on a rubber glove, the female resident was snickering at m
y
comments, even though I was not finding them very funny at th
e
moment
.

He turned to her and pointed for her to go on the outside of th
e
curtain. I interrupt
:
Tucker "Actually, doctor, can she do it? If I'm going to have fingers u
p
my ass, I'd rather have them be female. You know-they're smaller
,
more petite ... you know ... less gay.
"

He was completely taken aback at this request. The shock was eviden
t
on his face, and for a second I even thought he would agree to it
.
Doctor "No. Sorry.
"
Tucker "Well, she can stay anyway. Fuck it. Might as well invite everyon
e
to my party.
"

I didn't need this. I really didn't fucking need this. I couldn't stop thinking
,
especially as he wiggled two fingers into my anal cavity and presse
d
them against my prostate, about how I'll have to change the part in Th
e
Most Disturbing Conversation Ever story about my anal virginity
.

The ER doctors eventually decided that I had a ruptured appendix an
d
needed to get prepped for surgery. Never could I have imagined tha
t
the words, "prep him for surgery" would have such horrifi
c
consequences
.

A male Hispanic nurse began prepping me. He took off my clothes, pu
t
me in a hospital gown, took various measurements like blood pressur
e
and what not, hooked me up to an IV needle that was only slightl
y
smaller in diameter than PVC pipe, and refused to give me an
y
painkillers, because he said that they might affect the anesthesia
.
At this point, I thought it couldn't get any worse. My appendix wa
s
absolutely killing me, I had no painkillers, there were numerous needle
s
stuck in me, my ass was still greasy from some guy putting his K
Y
covered fingers in my rectum, some other guy was undressing me-really
-
what the fuck else could go wrong
?

Well, at least one more thing: The nurse told me to pull my gown of
f
my crotch and took out a long tube. It is called a Foley Catheter, and i
t
is used to drain your bladder when it is not under your control, eithe
r
because you are unconscious (for surgery) or cannot control it yoursel
f
(paralyzation). It is exactly 16 inches long
.

I took one look at that garden hose he was holding and my hear
t
stopped. I'd rather have a herd of rhinos rape my ass hole than take tha
t
thing up my urethra. I have heard absolute horror tales about what tha
t
thing feels like going up your dick
.

Tucker "No, no, no-You aren't putting that thing in my dick are you
?
Please god in heaven tell me no.
"
Nurse "Yeah, man. Got to-It's how you piss when you're in surgery.
"
I didn't even have it in me to put up a fight. I was too scared. I jus
t
grabbed the side rails of the gurney and held the fuck on. This is a
n
approximation of my reaction when he started inserting the cathete
r
into my penis
:
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR
R
RAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH H
"

It went on like that for a few seconds. When the blazing anguis
h
stopped, I wiped the tears forming in my eyes and looked down
,
expecting to see a yellow tube sticking out from my penis
.
Tucker "What the fuck? Hey man-where is it?
"
Nurse "That one was too big, I'm gonna have to go with a 16 gaug
e
instead of a 14.
"

This did not please me, and I expressed my feelings with a string o
f
furious profanity that would make a longshoreman proud. He eventuall
y
got the second one into my urethra, and I wasn't thinking about m
y
abdominal pain anymore. I never really understood the phrase "pissin
g
out razor blades" until this experience. The act of inserting that firehos
e
into my penis was so horribly painful, it made me forget wha
t
was, to that point, the worst pain of my life. Even writing this is makin
g
my dick hurt. Or maybe that's the herpes. Who knows
?