I Surrender (17 page)

*****

The rest of the day progresses with no other embarrassing hiccups. After a banquet of delicious foods I leave my family and Jasper chatting over coffee.

I stand outside for a moment, feeling the frosty breeze cool my face. The air chills my cheeks but it feels somewhat peaceful. I think about last Christmas and how this one has been so much better. I am with my family and... a friend.

“Hey you,” whispers my friend. I must have been deep in thought as I didn’t hear him approach.

“Hey yourself.” I smile lifting my face towards the heavens closing my eyes feeling fortunate to be alive. I can almost pretend the light touches on my cheeks are Jasper’s fingers, stroking me. He stands beside me silently, not wanting to disturb my moment of passivity.

After a while, he quietly reaches over and holds my hand. And we both stand there, not saying anything, just hands entwined. We don’t have to speak. The silence says enough.

*****

“Bye mom thank you so much for having us over,” I whisper against her shoulder in yet another bear hug.

“Oh honey you’re welcome. You are always at home here. You too, Jasper.” Wow I look at my mom. She never said that to Harper. Kudos to Jasper. Dad and Jasper give one another a manly handshake. I actually think dad likes him. The day has been a success.

Jasper looks at ease on the way home, his eyes closed with his head resting against the headrest. Seeing him this way I know my mission to change Jaspers’ mind on Christmas has worked. “Thank you for inviting me.” He smirks with dimples on parade. It never ceases to amaze me when he does that, it’s like he can read my thoughts.

His hair has grown longer, creeping into his face every so often. He pushes it off his face and looks over at me happily.

“You’re very welcome. Thank you,” I reply.

“Thank me?” he asks puzzled. His left eyebrow rises slightly whenever he is perplexed and it’s simply adorable, and I am so sad for noticing something so trivial.

“Yes thank you for coming. It was the best Christmas I’ve had for a while,” I explain.

“Me too,” he answers gently.

I pull into his driveway and reach into the backseat for this gift. He stops my retreat with his hand on mine. “Come inside. I have something for you.”

“You what?” I ask confused.

He grins cheekily. “Yeah Santa told me you were a good girl this year.”

I follow him into his house all the while hyperventilating quietly. “Take a seat, I will be right back,” Jasper says as he walks upstairs.

I sit on his couch nervously fiddling with anything I can find. I was not expecting a gift from him. Jasper coming to Christmas lunch was all I wanted. To spend that time with him was invaluable. However, I am curious. I am unexpectedly very apprehensive that my gift is not good enough.

Before I can beat myself up further Jasper bounces down the stairs smiling, sitting next to me. “Merry Christmas Ava,” he says while holding out a box in his outstretched palm.

Oh no, inside that box holds a very expensive present, a jewelry kind of present. I am right, my gift cannot compare to whatever treasure this little velvet box has within. I suddenly get sticky palms and I swallow nervously. “It’s not going to bite you I promise.” He jokes noticing my apprehension.

My hands shake as I remove the beautiful silver ribbon wrapped around the blue velvet box. I am afraid to open it; I sit and stare at it in my hands. Jasper places his warm hand on my trembling fingers and we open the box together. Tears descend down my cheeks when I see what is inside the white silk interior.

It is an elegant silver charm bracelet. There is one charm dangling delicately and I finger it gently. The light catches it and it sparkles brightly. The charm is of a bird midflight. I am sitting without a sound, staring at the beautifully crafted bird, feeling the ridges of its wings as I pass my finger back and forth over the charm. I am too afraid to take it out of the box as I know the moment I see it on my wrist a flood of tears will fall.

Jasper reaches for the box and I hesitantly let it go. I look over at his elegant fingers as he unclasps the clip and softly reaches for my wrist. Fervor so hot burns me when he touches me and I bite my lip to stop myself from passing out. He tenderly repositions my open palm to rest on his thigh as he attaches the bracelet onto my wrist. I look down and realize he hasn’t removed his grip from my wrist. His thumb is tracing a soft line backwards and forwards and I take a visible breath.

I am still stunned and Jasper smiles. “You once told me you wished you were a bird. That you could fly away and never have to land. Well I can’t wish you into a bird, but I thought this could give you strength when things get too much.” Tears are falling down my face freely, this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

“It was meant to make you smile not cry.” Jasper laughs while wiping away my tears.

“They are happy tears. Thank you. I’ll never take it off.” I touch the charm and it gives me strength because it’s from Jasper.

He nods happily. “I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it,” I quickly correct him. We are silent for an eternity and I finally remember I haven’t given him my gift. My present now seems absolutely modest compared to his.

“I didn’t know what to get you,” I mumble nervously as I search in my bag for his gift.

“Whatever you give me, is perfect.”

I timidly hand it to him. He sits gazing at it for the longest time and looks lost in thought. I shift uncomfortably as I want this to be like a band aid. Quick and painless.

He slowly removes the light blue tissue paper and uncovers a leather bound journal with his initials carved on the bottom right hand corner. He looks up at me stunned. His hair falls into those big eyes, and I can tell he likes it. I exhale a relieved breath.

“Open it,” I whisper. He removes the leather bindings and imprinted in script on the front page is a Chinese proverb I found which reminded me of us:

“
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song
.”

Inside is a pen with a blue sapphire diamond tip, it’s not very masculine but the sapphire pierces me like Jasper’s eyes. He looks at it and then at me.

“I found that proverb and it reminded me of you… and me. I thought you would like, you can keep all your notes in it or all your cures you are secretly working on.” I joke referring to our conversation in the coffee shop. He looks astonished and I struggle to speak without buckling under his gaze. “It’s your private haven. Whatever ideas you need writing down that may be trapped up here,” I tap his forehead, “you can write down in here and maybe they will make more sense.”

His face is expressionless and I start to question if he does actually like it. I doubt my decision and scold myself for a stupid gift choice, but then he looks up, his long eyelashes wet and a single tear is sliding down his cheek. I am taken aback and I shakily wipe away his tear. For once I am the one consoling him.

I repeat his words. “It was meant to make you smile not cry.”

He pulls me into his arms lovingly and whispers, “They are happy tears.”

Chapter 24:

Happy New Year

O
n New Year’s Eve we are all headed to ‘Little Sisters’ because ‘Passengers of Ego’ are ending the current year and welcoming in the New Year with a bang. V and I are decked out in our best scandalous ‘bring on the New Year ‘outfits. I have made my New Year’s resolutions. My list in no particular order:

1. I am going back to school. I have decided that I am ready, I am ready to get my life back and follow my dreams of becoming a chef; carpe diem!

2. I am going to give myself an emotional makeover. I may not be the broken, miserable girl that I once was, but I certainly am not fixed. I have a long way to go before I am happy with the Ava Thompson looking back at me every time I glance into the mirror.

That leads me to resolution number 3:

I have to get closure with Harper. If I am to patch myself up, I need to get all this Harper baggage buried once and for all. I need him to be aware of the pain he caused me. How his selfish actions crushed my heart, my soul and my spirit. But ironically enough, I want to thank him. If it wasn’t for him dumping me, I would still be that pathetic girl with no direction in life. I would be a ghost of my former self, all because I thought I knew what love was.

But most notably I need to thank Harper for letting me go. When we broke up, I thought I would be a prisoner to my grief forever, but now I know he set me free. He set me free to find myself, and more importantly he set me free to find Jasper. And that leads me to my final resolution.

My final resolution is simple… I am going to make Jasper mine.

And so on that note, no time like the present to make good on that resolution. I always smell Jasper before I see him. He has the most delicious fragrance; it is refined, oriental and almost woody. He wraps those warm arms around me, my back pressed to his chiseled front as he kisses my neck playfully. Little does he know I have just internally combusted. After spending Christmas with him I feel like maybe we are on the road to recovery.

He strokes the charm around my wrist kissing my shoulder, and then sweeps me around to face him to assess my attire. I am wearing a gold sequin strapless dress with a black belt that sits high on my waist. It is a little short, but that’s the point of spending a small fortune on this dress. I am wearing it to impress only one person and judging by the look on his face: mission accomplished.

He looks at my high stilettos and smiles. “Only a few more inches and you’ll reach me Shorty.” However, I know he likes what he sees, just as I do. He looks exceptional; his usual black snug jeans riding low on his sinful hips, black combat boots that are accompanied with a button up blue checkered shirt. His hair has been recently cut but his tousled locks still sit in perfect disorder. His eyes as usual are gorgeous, big and blue and are staring at me intently. I want to drown in those eyes.

“Hey you twoooo,” smiles V interrupting our moment. I clear my head with a shake and look over at my clearly drunk friend.

“How much have you had to drink?” I ask, laughing at her intoxicated state.

V pinches her thumb and forefinger together. “Only this much.”

“I think you’ve had more than that.” I giggle as I am pretty certain my friend has underestimated her beverage intake.

“Okay maybe this much,” she says widening her fingers a few inches.

Lucas hugs her from behind laughing. “Baby, you’ve had a lot more than that. I was onto my first drink versus your third.”

“That’s not true; you’re just a slow drinker.” V pouts while Lucas pulls her into a passionate kiss.

Jasper and I are standing uncomfortably looking at our friends make out like it’s the end of the world, not the end of the year. My throat suddenly becomes very dry. “I need a drink.”

“It’s on me.” Jasper offers as I think he is also eager to leave V and Lucas to their lip locking. We reach the bar and the scantily dressed bartender runs to take Jasper’s order. I wish I got my drink orders taken that quickly.

“I’ll have a Heineken and Tequila Sunrise?” He looks at me to make sure that’s what I want. I nod happily. We get our drinks; all the while the bartender is totally eye fucking him, attempting to impress him with her ‘Cocktail’ impression. She is no Tom Cruise!

Looking around the bar I notice masses of girls looking at Jasper with lidded eyes, the look of craving on their face and lips. But as usual Jasper is oblivious, surprising me by stepping inches away from my face while I am giving unpleasant looks to all of his admirers.

“You look beautiful.” And he salutes my glass like his statement was in fact a toast. I gulp, suddenly very nervous with that devilish look on his face. He licks his lips before he takes a swig of beer all the while his eyes are locked with mine.

Holy crap, the look he is giving me leaves me breathless. Like a cat on a hot tin roof, I down the WHOLE drink and hold back a choke; I am drowning in tequila… and Jasper.

“At this rate you’re going to be wasted before midnight.”

I take a look at my empty glass and shrug. “That’s okay, you’re here to protect if I’m to be taken advantage of in my drunken stupor.”

“What if I am the one taking advantage,” he replies mischievously, winking at me.

Is Jasper flirting with me? Two can play that game. “It wouldn’t be taking advantage of if I was a willing participant.”

Jasper nearly chokes on his beer. Do friends do this, this playful flirting? I don’t care what the 101 rules are of Friend Flirting, this is driving me crazy. Our banter is interrupted by Shooter, telling Jasper that they are up in five minutes. I look at my watch, it’s already 11pm! One more hour until the New Year is here. Good fucking riddance I say!

Jasper pulls me towards the stage, my hand snugly in his. Positioning me firmly in front of the podium, he spins me around to face him and again I am shocked by his beauty.

“What are you doing?” I question cheekily, pursing my lips.

“How can I stop you from being taken advantage of if I can’t see you? This way I can keep an eye on you while I’m up here.” I concur quickly; who am I to turn down front row Rock God Jasper action!

He gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek and heads backstage. I feel hot. Is it the alcohol I just inhaled or is it Jasper White’s innuendo of taking advantage of me? I know the answer.

V joins me, drunk as all hell. We share her gallon of strawberry margarita while waiting for ‘Passengers of Ego’. By the time they hit the stage I am somewhat intoxicated. The three boys start with a rocky tempo, revving up the crowd. This goes on for minutes, they know how to tempt the mob and finally Jasper saunters out waving. The crowd erupts in cheers and wolf whistles while Jasper approaches the microphone stand. “You guys ready to rock out into the New Year?”

“Hell yeah!” The crowd roars.

Jasper nods, smiling at his adoring fans and sends a wink my way. He looks at ease on the stage, a born showman. “1,2,3,4!” Jasper growls into the microphone and starts singing.

I catch his eye on many occasions throughout the set and I feel heat gather in my middle watching him get lost in the music.

Totally spellbound in the performance I wonder what the time is. I look at the clock and realize its two minutes til midnight. All of a sudden I feel foolish, who am I to share my customary midnight kiss with? I look at my friends and see V readily applying lip gloss preparing for her smooch with Lucas, and Mariah seems just as eager. I really should have thought about this before standing alone in front of the crowd, like an idiot.

An overwhelming need to run and hide overcomes me, and I attempt to push through the mounds of people squashed shoulder to shoulder. This is going to take freakin’ ages.

With ‘sorry’ and ‘excuse me’ and ‘pardon me can I get through’ exchanged with happy go lucky patrons, I move forward about three inches when I hear the countdown:

10
shit

9
oh god

8
suffocating

7
hyperventilating

6
fuck

5
tears are forming

4
holding back a sob

3
wanting to die

2
kill me

1
…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

The noise is deafening and I witness everyone kissing boyfriend, girlfriends, strangers, staff, all but me who is looking at the exit sign like it is my savior. I try to take another step towards the exit before I choke on despair, but suddenly I feel strong hands take firm hold of my waist and spin me around.

Stunned, I look up and see Jasper swoop down capturing my lips in an inferno of all kisses. I am surprised and not prepared for his kiss, but as his tongue pushes into me with such force and passion, I am gasping and ready for his onslaught. He continues his assault on my mouth, working me until I am putty in his hands. He languidly kisses my neck and exhales an erotic breath as I sculpt my body to his.

I whimper and frantically pull at his hair, forcing his lips back to mine. I tilt his head assertively for a better angle for my invasion of his mouth. He slides one hand down my back and rests it lightly on my behind. Now I am certain I am on fire. I don’t care who is here, I want him stripped and naked like now!

As always, I lose all sense of time and space when we kiss. Coming back down to earth, our kiss slows and I unhappily pull away, pouting slightly. Looking at the clock it is now 12.05am.

I smile at Jasper, whose eyes are heated to the temperatures of hell.

“Happy New Year,” I whisper.

He tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear, his eyes still full of wanting.

“What a fucking way to start it.”