I Surrender (26 page)

"Yeah herself," I retort angrily.

Ben chuckles. "And that too. I'm better than being second best or in Indie’s case third best. I will never be him."

By him I know he's referring to Jasper. "You're better off without her Ben. Indie is a resentful selfish person who will end up a lonely old bitter lady when her looks fade. “

“You’re right. I'm sorry about you and Jasper."

"How do you know about that?" He doesn't need to answer, I know the how is actually a
who.
That bitch needs to leave Jasper alone. I get they are childhood friends, but it’s about time he gets new ones.

It's nice to clear the air between Ben and myself and I'm actually having a pleasant afternoon, well that is until my phone chimes with a new text message. It's from V.

I stare at her message confused. It's a photo of the piece of paper I wrote Harpers address on. Under the photo reads the caption:

“CARE TO EXPLAIN?!?”

Why does V have that? I search frantically through my bag. My fears have been confirmed, the piece of paper must have fallen out of my bag accidentally. Fuck!!

Chapter 37:

Love Isn’t Enough

I
speed home. I need to talk to V. This is not the way I wanted to break the news to her but I have no choice. I run up the front stairs barging into the living room, and I see her sitting on the couch angrily. She holds the corner of the paper between her thumb and forefinger like it is an offending object towards me.

“Talk!" is all she says.

I sit down near her, turning my body so I am facing her. "I'm sorry V. I was going to tell you I promise, I just didn’t know how to.” How lame do I sound! Not knowing how to tell my best friend, practically sister, life alerting news.

“Are you fucking serious Ava? How ‘bout hey V guess what I got offered a scholarship to Singapore.” I then realize the piece of paper with Harper’s directions had my Singapore schedule on it also. I am a shitty friend. How have I fucked up with so many people I love?

“I know, you’re right, I’m sorry it sounds so simple but it wasn’t an easy decision to make. I wanted to be sure it was the right one before I told you.”

“But it was okay to tell Harper before your best friend?” Oh crap I should have seen that coming.

“No it wasn’t like that.” Wasn’t it though? I had no difficulty letting my ex-boyfriend know about the scholarship. I didn’t even think twice about it. But with V, I avoided the topic like an outbreak of cholera.

“Ava talk to me! What the hell is going on with you? Ever since Jasper left for Chicago you have become a shadow of your former self. Now that you two have broken up, you are a ghost. You’re here, but you may as well not be. I don’t even know what exactly happened between you and Jasper. You are both moping sad sacks of shit. I don’t understand why the hell you don’t talk to one another!”

I cock my head and ask, “How do you know Jasper is moping?”

V looks at me puzzled. “Because I saw him the other day being all sulky.”

“He’s back in LA? When?” I demand softly while my heart crumbles.

“You didn’t know?” V questions. I shake my head. “Oh shit Ava I’m sorry I really didn’t know. I thought you knew. He’s been back like three days. “

Three days I whisper to myself, that’s a long time for him to be home without telling me. I feel lifeless and frozen inside. So it really is over. If he wanted to work something out with me, he would have contacted me, but he hasn’t. My attempt of patching things up with him are crushed, I have no reason to try anymore as it seems he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve really fucked up this time.

“Ava look at me, talk to me honey please.” I look up at V, my lip trembling in anguish.

“I fucked up with Jasper V, I thought I could make things right, but I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.”

“What did you do that’s so bad? What did you say to him?” V begs for an explanation because I haven’t told her much; it’s just too painful to talk about. But now I have nothing left to lose.

“It’s what I
didn’t
say V. He has been honest and given himself to me completely. I haven’t done the same to him. I don’t deserve him. He says he wants to better his relationship with his mom to better himself for me. He’s so wrong; I have to better
myself
to become a better woman for
him
. I overreacted when he told me he was staying in Chicago, I just felt like he wasn’t thinking of me when he made his decision. The decision to go to Singapore was made easier because of that, but that’s not the main reason. The main reason is because I am so scared. The feelings I have for Jasper, I can’t…” I sob, “I can’t get my heart broken again. It’s safer not to feel anything than the pain of losing him.”

“Why do you think you’ll lose him? He’s crazy about you. Anyone can see that.” V encourages me.

“I thought I’d never lose Harper and look how that turned out. My heart got broken beyond repair; I couldn’t bear to live through that with Jasper. I can’t stand another heartbreak. I’m scared if I give him a real chance he’ll leave me or we’ll fuck it up like we have in the past.”

“Jasper is not Harper, Ava. Give him some credit. He loves you. He really loves you. “

“V, love isn’t enough,” I reply disheartened.

“So that’s it, you’re just going to run away to Singapore, to Harper!”

“I am not running to Harper! Harper and I may be living in the same city, but we may as well be living universes apart. There is only person that will hold my heart, and I am too afraid of giving him ALL of it. He deserves better than that.”

I sob hysterically while V embraces me. “Tell Jasper how you feel Ava, he needs to know. Let him be the one to make that choice, don’t make it for him.”

I can’t face Jasper, now or ever. I am going to Singapore and this will all be over. I can cry myself to sleep in a new city.

*****

Time speeds up closer to my departure and I can’t believe it’s my last day in L.A. I’ve had a going away dinner with my parents and am looking forward to some well deserved rest before my grueling flight tomorrow.

Ever since my talk with V, she has laid off about the whole Jasper thing, but keeps dropping not so subtle suggestions that I should contact him. And as always my answer is the same: no.

I have established that this is for the best. A long distance relationship would never work. Jasper is a physical person and I think the distance without sex would kill him. And that’s only the physical side of things. Emotionally we can’t even function when we live in the same state, let alone a different country.

I am all packed and V has promised me a movie night with ice cream and chocolate. I’m going to miss her like crazy. But we promise to visit to each other and I’ll be back for the holidays.

V and I are sitting on the couch deciding on what to watch. It’s between two soppy, cry your heart out movies, and I like both. This way I can blame the storyline for my sudden emotional meltdown not because of a certain cerulean eyed boy.

V is in the kitchen preparing the popcorn when my phone beeps indicating a new text message. It must be from one of my class mates wishing me luck. I reach for my glass and iPhone off the coffee table in front of me.

I inhale sharply as I read who the text message is from. I am trembling uncontrollably, which results in dropping my glass onto the ground, it shatters along with my heart into a million tiny fragments.

V comes running into the living room when she hears the commotion. “Ava are you alright?” She’s at my side in seconds, trying to make sense of my catatonic state. “Ava… what?” she asks when I don’t respond.

My hand is over my mouth and my eyes are huge. I shakily hand her my phone so she is able to read the cause for my reaction. She looks at the message confused. All it says is:

I surrender.

The sender is Jasper.

Chapter 38:

One More Step Towards Regret

“
W
hat the hell does I surrender mean?” V asks.

Still semi catatonic I reply, “I don’t know. He has said it once before, I thought it had a double meaning then, but now… I have no idea what he means by it.”

“Go to him,” V simply says.

“What? Now? I can’t just go there.”

“Why not?” she asks like she cannot understand my apprehension.

“Because he doesn’t want to see me V,” I snap.

“Judging by that message it sounds like he very much wants to see you.”

I am not so sure, Jasper is ambiguous as always. What does he mean by ‘he surrenders?’ Surrenders to what? Damn him for doing this to me. This is so typical of him. I shouldn’t expect anything less but a vague goodbye message. I bite my lip apprehensively should I go? Is V right?

For once I am sick of being afraid, I am sick of what ifs. I need to know if this is really the end for us, if so then it will kill me every day for the rest of my life but at least I’ll know. I jump up grabbing my bag, and smile bravely at V, “Fuck it! I got nothing left to lose.”

*****

The car ride is agonizing, and I cannot sit still. I am getting every red light and I notice I have mismatched socks, with no shoes on. I was in such a hurry I just bolted out the door without any thought to my attire. I must remember to take off my socks before I confront Jasper, as having a discussion with one red sock, one pink one may look like I’ve totally lost it, not that I am far off.

I pull into his driveway and quickly switch my headlights off. I don’t want him to know I’m here yet. I need to prepare myself for whatever Jasper and I say to one another. I practice every speech I have ever rehearsed suitable for this situation. I have practiced them a million times in my head, but now they just sound lame.

Collecting all the courage I have left in me, I get out of the car and then quickly jump back in shutting the door and locking it behind me. The locked door provides zero comfort and will not avert the inevitable.

Telling myself to stop being such a coward, I muster all the guts I can, and walk to his front door. With my hand braced on his front door, ready to knock, I suddenly hear heated voices coming from inside. I stop to listen and overhear muffled talking, but can’t make out what is being said.

One voice is definitely Jaspers, the other is a female, but I am not certain who. If I stand around the side and peer in I can see who Jasper is talking to. I quietly walk to the window, trying my hardest not to feel like a peeping tom but failing.

I am too short to see in, so I step up on my tippy toes and get a clearer picture of what is happening inside. Jasper is talking animatedly to someone. My breath hitches in my throat when I see him, after so long he looks like an angelic vision sent straight from hell with his sexy devilish looks. He is wearing his usual snug black jeans, combat boots and a grey t-shirt which he’s cut the sleeves off, displaying his impressive arms. His hair has grown remarkably long, and sits messily in his face. I can’t see the other person, as she is obscured by the bookcase. I wait anxiously to see if the mystery woman will make an appearance and when she does I wish I hadn’t been so eager to witness who Jasper was talking to.

I see long blonde hair and a tight denim mini skirt when she moves into my line of sight. I know who this is, but when she turns around my stomach drops in dread, it’s Indie. I can’t make out what they are saying but I can see she is pouting and closing the distance between them. Jasper is holding his hands up, in defeat? Is this what he meant by I surrender? I watch anxiously, my palms sweating profusely as the scene before my eyes pans out.

Indie stops inches away from Jasper who looks torn, he turns his head to the side, away from Indie’s malevolent lips, but she stops his retreat by securing his chin firmly and licks her lips before kissing him violently. I can’t watch anymore, I pull away from the window nauseous and stumble backwards.

I have to get out of here. This was a massive mistake and I was SO stupid to think Jasper wanted to reunite. He only wants to reunite with Indie’s genitals!

I storm off as silently as I can. Considering what I just witnessed I’m surprised I am not burning down the neighborhood. With angry tears brimming over my lashes, I rip the bracelet Jasper gave me for Christmas off my wrist and throw it into the dirt where he and it belong.

*****

I explode into my house and V jumps up startled. Looking at my muddy socks, tear stained face and frenzied hair she runs over to me. “What happened?”

“Indie happened!” I seethe. I need to go shower and wash this feeling of despair off my body.

“Again with his bitch! I am so sick of this tramp!” V snaps throwing the remote control on the couch, standing up in a frenzy.

“You and me both! Too bad Jasper can’t keep his lips off her filthy mouth!” I scream. I am so frustrated, why did I go there?

“He didn’t?” V asks mortified.

“Yeah he did, I witnessed the debacle with my own two eyes!”

V looks sympathetic and mad. “What the hell is wrong with him?”

“I have no idea, but that’s not my problem anymore! Goodbye L.A. Hello Singapore! I cannot get out of this city fast enough!”

V gives me a half smile. “I’m sorry this is my fault, I shouldn’t have encouraged you to go over there.”

“Please I’m glad I did! It was exactly what I needed to get over that jerk. If I never see Jasper White ever again, it’ll be too soon!” I yell loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear.

The doorbell chimes. V and I look at each other confused. We are both not expecting any visitors. Opening the door I curse the irony of the world- It’s Jasper.