I Surrender (27 page)

Chapter 39:

Set Me Free

“
I
’m sorry to disappoint you,” he says lowering his eyes. I slam the door in his face and run up the stairs to my room locking the door. This will keep him out; sadly it won’t keep my tears under lock and key. I sob into my pillow and I can hear his heavy footsteps ascent the stairs. Go away go away, I beg silently.

“Ava, I’m sorry.” He whispers, the ache in his voice clearly evident. I can’t reply. I’m too scared I’ll either cry or scream down the door. “I know you were at my house, I saw your bracelet on the ground when I threw Indie out on her ass.” I question myself, he threw her out?

“Was that before or after you fucked her ass!” I sneer. Okay, looks like I will be screaming the door down.

“I am so sick of having this conversation with you. You know I would never do that.” His voice is muffled through the door, but I can hear his anguish.

“Do I?!” I roar.

“Yes you do. If you stayed around long enough you would have seen me not so nicely tell her to get the fuck out of my house,” Jasper replies clearly beaten. He sounds how I feel. “Please open the door. I need to talk to you face to face.”

“No.”

“Please Ava,” he begs. “I need to talk to you.”

“Then start talking!” I shout. He didn’t seem too desperate to talk to me when he got back from Chicago. I sit up on my bed so I can hear him clearer, but there is silence outside; I fear he may have gone.

But then I hear a sliding down my door and a thump…thump… thump.

Jasper has slid down the door, sitting on the floor, banging his head in defeat against my door. I shuffle up on my knees, looking at the thin door that is separating me from the love of my life.

“Ava I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. If I could take everything back, everything that has happened between us I would. I promised to be a better man for you; I have done nothing but fuck everything up.” I listen with care to his crushed words.

“I should never have stayed in Chicago without talking to you first, I was just grateful mom and I were talking. It was selfish of me, I never considered how that would make you feel and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for confusing you with my erratic behavior that wasn’t fair on you. I just… I just have never felt this way about anyone. I know you’re scared, Ava, but I am too. I have never felt this connection with anyone and I don’t know how to react. What I feel for you, it is burning me with an ache so deep. And you leaving me, I don’t know if this feeling in my chest is ever going to go away. The thought of never being able to see you smile, hear you laugh, smell you, touch you… I’m dying inside.”

I am weeping, biting my cheek from being too loud for him to hear me. I crawl off my bed, walking across the floor on my knees. I place my hand where I think his head is resting outside my door. I feel invisible sparks between us and Jasper surprises me as he inhales deeply.

“I can feel you Ava, please open the door.”

I hesitate but slowly unlock it; Jasper is sitting, but turns around so we are facing each other. He gets up on his knees, and we are both kneeling in front on one another. I stare at him, at his messy chaotic hair which is wild; sticking out like it’s been pulled to the point of being painful. His sad mouth, drooping into a slight frown, heavy stubble caresses his face like he hasn’t shaved in days and his eyes and his usual clear, bright cerulean eyes are now heavy, sunken in and bloodshot like he hasn’t slept for days. The light has dimmed, he looks beaten and bruised. He looks like shit. He looks just like I do.

He reaches out to touch my cheek and I sigh into his touch, it’s been too long since I’ve felt his hands on me. I close my eyes as his warm hand engulfs my tearstained cheek. I feel the tremble in his touch and a tear rolls down my cheek. His thumb wipes it away, but his attempt is futile as another just follows in its path. He pulls me into him and I drown in all things Jasper. His smell, his warmth, his energy, his spirit, everything I have missed so very much. I rest my head in the corner of his neck and feel his pulse against my face. That pulse is giving him away, its beating like a drum. He is as deeply affected by me as I him. And then everything we have been fighting about fades, everything seems so trivial.

I pull away and place my hand over his heart, which is beating steadily. “I love you.”

He stares at me and a tear rolls down his cheek. This was how I envisioned our first time to be. Not over the phone, or not because he said it first. I wanted to say it when it was right, when I meant it with my heart and soul.

“I love you so much. I surrender everything I am to you, Ava Thompson. All the good, all the bad I give to you. I surrender myself to you. Do what you wish with me, I submit to you, I am yours. Whatever choice you make, I accept it, I support you and I will love you forever and a day.”

My howl rips through me and I can’t breathe as I am sobbing uncontrollably. This is tearing me in half. Jasper embraces me and I weep harder, harder than I ever have before.

After I regain some control I pull away, I have to explain myself to him. “Jasper...” God is that really my voice that sounds so croaky. “You are a good man. I have never met a more honest, extraordinary, amazing person as you. You saved me Jasper. You saved me when I was drowning. You were my life raft; you pulled me out of my misery. Without you, I would be dead inside. So don’t you dare think you are not good enough for me. If anything I am not good enough for
you.”
He opens his mouth to reply but I silence him with my finger. “You worshipped me every single day we were together. You were always there holding my hand when I needed you, no questions asked. I am the selfish one; I should never have behaved the way I did with you staying in Chicago. You had every right, that’s your mom. I’m the one who should be saying sorry not you. Forgive me. Forgive me for doing you wrong.” I sob using his apology back at him.

We are hugging each other, me a weeping mess with Jasper stroking my back.

I finally pull myself together and sigh. “I know,” he answers like he can read my mind. “I know you still have to go, but I’ll be here when you come back.”

I sniff sadly. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I’ll come back home fighting for your affections.” Thinking about his adoring fans and Indie, that’s a promise I don’t expect him to keep.

Jasper ducks his head down to look at me seriously. “I mean it, Ava. There is no competition. You are and will always be the only contender for my heart. I love you with everything I am, no one compares to you... I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. ”

I close my eyes at his beautiful words. “I don’t deserve you. But I want you, so I have to do this, I have to go on this journey, so I am worthy of your love. I have to do this to become a better woman...for you.”

Jasper strokes my hair, resting his cheek on my head. “Wishes do come true.”

“What do you mean?” I ask confused.

“When you told me you wished you were a bird, that you wanted to fly away and never have to land. Well you got your wish. You can fly away from here and discover new places, and if you don’t like where you land you can always come home, and I’ll always be here, waiting for you. Whenever you decide to come to rest, even if its two years, ten years, twenty years or fifty years from now… I promise I’ll be here waiting to catch you when you’re ready to land.”

I am a mess, my eyes are raw from crying so profoundly and my chest feels heavy. I don’t want to leave him, but I need to do this to find myself. Jasper looks at me, with tears in his eyes and I know that this is the right choice. I have to fly away, and like a bird every season, I’ll come home to him.

Chapter 40:

Forever and a Day

A
fter I stopped being a blubbering mess, Jasper pushed me down onto my bed and we experienced what it was like to be together, really together with no hesitations or doubts, and it was beautiful.

But now I am on my way to the airport and that beauty has been replaced with silence. V and I said an extremely teary goodbye and I miss her already. Jasper is also silent, driving me deep in thought. If someone told me a year ago to the day, I would be leaving to go back to a place that held so many bad memories I would have laughed hysterically. Funny how life works.

It’s been exactly a year since I touched down at LAX, a broken, battered lost girl. But now, as I look at myself in the mirror, I no longer see that reflection. I see a girl who is still broken but those scars are healing and about being lost, we all are lost souls waiting for someone to be our guide. I found my light, but I am flying in the other direction towards the dark. Towards the unknown.

Yes I’m scared, but I’m also peaceful, because I know when I return, I will return a better woman and if Jasper is still waiting for me then this will be all worth it. We need to repair ourselves before we can begin a future with one another. If I met Jasper two years in the future, would I still feel the same? Would I still be crazy in love with the devoted man next to me? Is all this worth it? I can’t answer that. Life takes us on unexpected voyages, ones that we ultimately have to decide which crossroad we will take. If I had to go through all the hardships in my life to get to Jasper, then yes it was so worth it and so much more.

I check in and I can feel the tears creeping up on me. Jasper squeezes my hand tightly sensing my emotional breakdown. I take a steady calming breath and close my eyes, I can do this. We sit in the lounge waiting for my boarding call. We wait in silence, but the silence is deafening. I can tell by the slump of his shoulders, his dishevel hair, wrinkled white t shirt he feels everything I feel.

The announcement over the loud speaker indicates boarding for my flight to Singapore has begun. All of a sudden I feel panic rising. My bottom lip trembles uncontrollably. “I can’t go.” And I jump up pacing frantically.

Jasper grabs my hand, kissing my fingers. “Yes you can.”

“No I really can’t. I don't want to say goodbye.”

“We’re not saying goodbye.”

“Yes we are. When I get on that plane you'll be gone.” I look up at him sadly, biting my lip to stop the tears

“I’ll never be gone Ava. I’ll always be here waiting for you, I promise.”

I begin weeping uncontrollably and am shaking in grief and fear of leaving Jasper.

I am on the verge of hyperventilating, my breath catching in my throat. “You say that now, but you'll leave me when it gets too hard.” I need to shut up like now but I can't help it.

“Baby listen to me.” He is holding me arm’s length away, his eyes searching my face. “I’ll never leave you. I am yours forever. Losing you is not an option.”

“You say that now but…”

“No buts.” He puts his finger over my lips to silence me. “I am nothing without you. Everything in my life has led to this moment- me meeting you, me loving you, and me letting you go. I know you've loved me the best you could, and I feel like a better man being loved by you. Every breath I've taken and every step I've taken has led me to you.”

Looking at his bright clear eyes I memorize his face, which is filled with an unconditional look of love. I bite my lip to stop the avalanche of tears. It doesn't work.

“I was stupid to think I could leave you,” and here come the tears. Jasper grins, that boyish carefree smile he has given me so many times. He reaches into his backpack and pulls out the leather journal I gave him for Christmas. He sits down and pulls out the beautiful pen with its sapphire tip that reminds me so much of his stunning eyes. Scribbling something quickly, he rips out the page, folds it and puts it into my back pocket. He rests his hands on my waist, looking down at me.

“You read that whenever you need it.”

“What is it?” I question trying to pull it out of my pocket, but Jasper stops me.

“You read it when you feel lost, when you’re flying on your journey and if you feel like you’re flying in the wrong direction, you read that okay…” he begins to cry, “you read that and it’ll set you right.”

I sob uncontrollably and throw my arms around his neck. I take in his smell, his warmness, everything that is Jasper and I store that in my memory bank for when I miss him and feel lost without him.

The second boarding call is announced, I have to go.

Jasper pulls me in for a longing, tender kiss. Our mouths are prisoner to our sorrow and we can’t stop kissing and crying. Our tears are mixed together and I taste our salty sadness. Jasper reluctantly pulls away, those blue eyes assessing me, taking in every corner of my face; he is storing me into his memory bank too.

He smiles sadly, kissing my forehead. “I never regret the day I met you. Remember that night when you asked if I was happy, well I am now. I am perfectly happy because I know I have your affections and you love me. Thank you for making me feel like I am someone worth loving. I’ll never forget this feeling, the feeling of being loved by you,” and with that he pulls away suddenly and leaves, tears running down his face.

I sob and sob, watching his back diminishing away from me. I watch him until I can no longer see his form, and only then do I hand my ticket to the air hostess. I walk down the tarmac a broken woman.

*****

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned off the Fasten Seat Belt sign, and you may now move around the cabin.

In a few moments, the flight attendants will be passing around the cabin to offer you hot or cold drinks. Alcoholic drinks are also available at a nominal charge. Also, we will be screening our inflight movie. Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Thank you.”

So here I sit, glancing at the reflection staring back at me from the window, I wonder is this how others see me? A girl, whose eyes are too big for her melancholy face. A girl, whose frame, is so small her feet barely reach the sticky floor. A girl, that laughs at everyone’s jokes, even when she doesn't see the point of laughing at mindless nothingness. A girl, whose heart has been crushed, chewed on, spat out, set on fire-and put on repeat just for fun.

But now this girl has had her heart healed by a wonderful person, a person who has made her laugh, who has made her cry, and who has made the pain fade just by loving her entirely with his big heart. The reflection staring back at me is of a stronger woman, a whole year older than she was when she last made this journey.

I hear a throat clearing. “Ah Miss can I get you anything?” I look up at the air hostess. Why does she look so familiar? Oh the paradox of life. This air hostess was also on this journey with me a year ago, and her eyes look like they have also seen a year worth of pain, happiness and sorrow just like mine.

I smile at her, in better spirits than the last time I was on her flight. “No I’m okay thank you.” She nods and smiles, moving onto the next passenger.

I rearrange myself, to rest my head against the glass and look out at the vast nothingness of being so high up above the clouds. I put in my iPod earphones and select ‘Miles’ by Christina Perri as I feel this song is the soundtrack to my life. As I get lost in the words I remember Jaspers note in my pocket. I reach for it with such care, like it might detonate. I pull it out and stare at the folded piece of paper; it takes all my willpower not to breakdown.

Jasper White has taught me so many life lessons and I will turn my back on the dark. I will follow my white knight into the light when I am ready.

I tremble as I open up the note and stare at his elegant, left hand script writing. His expressions leave me without a word; Jasper has left me speechless again:

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it does not, it was never meant to be”

A tear streaks the page, don’t worry Jasper White I’ll be yours forever and a day. I’m coming back home to you…I promise.
…

Ava and Jasper’s Story continues in Surrender to Me

November 2013