If Ever I Loved You (21 page)

"Peter." Gina was as surprised as he to hear herself call
his name, but when he stopped and turned to look at her she knew what
she had to say.

"What did I do wrong?" It came out as little more than a
whisper.

He stared at her. "What did
you
do
wrong?" he asked as though he didn't understand the question.

She nodded. "When—when we made love." Her voice
was a little stronger now, but still reedy. "What did I do wrong? Why
were you so disappointed?"

Peter still stared at her, seemingly unable to comprehend
what she was saying. He walked slowly back to the couch and sat down
beside her. Gently he took her face in his hands and tipped it so he
could devour her with his eyes. "Oh dear Lord," he breathed, "is that
what you thought? That I was disappointed?"

The tip of her tongue flicked between her dry lips as her
gaze roamed over his white, taut features. "Yes." She was back to a
whisper again. "I wanted so to please you but I didn't know how."

Peter's face seemed to crumble and with a low groan he
pulled her into his arms and buried his head in her sweater-clad
shoulder. Gina held him and stroked her fingers through his
wind-tousled hair, instinctively understanding the massive effort he
was making to regain the self-control that had so mysteriously
abandoned him. He held her in a crushing embrace but she made no
protest as she sought to relieve in some small way his obvious torment.
What had she said that upset him so?

They sat wrapped in each other's arms for several minutes,
not speaking until gradually Peter's heaving shoulders quieted and his
hold on her lessened to a more comfortable degree. Finally he
straightened and pressed her head against his jacket-covered chest. She
had the impression that he didn't want her to look at him just yet and
she relaxed against him and put her arms around his waist.

His heart beat erratically beneath her ear and she knew
she wanted nothing more from life than to spend it in the arms of this
complex man who baffled her at every turn. If his conditions for that
were impossible so was the thought of living without him.

After a while, Peter's breathing and heartbeat returned to
normal and it was only then that he spoke. His voice was still shaky as
he rubbed his cheek in her ebony hair and said, "I love you, Gina. I
love you so much that I honestly don't think I can survive if I lose
you again."

Gina caught her breath and held it as she looked up at him
and gasped, "But you said…"

He looked down at her and she saw that his eyes were
red-rimmed and his face looked ravaged. "I know what I said. I said
that you had killed the love I once felt for you, but even as I said it
I knew I was lying. In my arrogance I chose to believe the evidence of
the picture and Mel Calicutt, and the past seven years without you have
been hell. If I'd known where you were I would have come for you but,
God forgive me, I believed my parents and Veronica when they said you
had left San Francisco with Calicutt so I didn't search for you. I did
write to you in care of your parents, though. Please believe that."

Gina was trembling with shock and relief. Peter loved her!
She didn't know which was greater, the shock of his confession or the
relief that he returned her love.

"I know," she said as she unzipped his windbreaker and
pushed it aside so she could eliminate a layer of the heavy clothing
that restricted their contact. "I talked to Mama. She admitted that the
letters had come to the house and she burned them."

She laid her head against the soft beige velour of his
shirt and he began to unbutton the buttons on her heavy sweater. "I
can't really blame her," he said as the first button came undone and he
moved on to the second. "She had good reason to hate me and want to
keep us apart."

The second button opened and he moved to the third. "When
you didn't answer my letters I told myself I was a fool for wanting you
and tried to erase you from my mind."

He sighed as the third button was released and the sweater
parted to allow his hand to stroke her breast through the cotton
material of her orchid blouse. "It was impossible. No matter how hard I
worked or how far I traveled you were always there to haunt me."

Gina slipped her hands under his loose shirt and lightly
massaged the sparse flesh of his bare back. He was so thin, almost
bony, and she wondered if he'd been eating enough.

He stretched and almost purred as he said, "Oh, that feels
so good. I can't get enough of your touch."

"Can't you?" she asked as she continued the movement.
"Then what did I do wrong the other night? Why did you leave me so
abruptly?"

He moaned and held her closer as though using her as a
shield against the pain her question seemed to cause him. "You didn't
do anything wrong, sweetheart. I left because I thought you wanted me
to."

Again she raised her head to look at him. "Wanted you to?"
she asked in amazement. "Why did you think that?"

"Because of the way I'd treated you!" The words seemed to
be torn from him. "Gina, don't you honestly understand? I had just
forced myself on you—"

"No!" Gina protested but he touched his fingers to her
lips to stop her.

"Yes, I did. I deliberately seduced you against your will
because I was desperate. You refused to consider living with me, being
my wife, and I was sure that if we just once made love you would know
how I felt about you and realize that you felt the same way."

Gina kissed his fingers then moved her head to dislodge
them. "But why didn't you just tell me—?"

"I couldn't." He pushed her head back against his chest
and stroked her short hair. "I had to protect myself. I couldn't have
stood it if you'd told me you didn't want my love."

His arms tightened around her. "Darling, I don't think you
understand just how shattered I was by that picture and Mel's
confession. Whether or not you were a virgin wouldn't have mattered to
me if you hadn't used it as an excuse not to go to bed with me until we
were married. I wanted you so bad I would have done anything, but I
loved you too and wanted you for a wife. I was so proud and happy on
our wedding day and then that picture was delivered. I thought I'd been
played for a fool, that you only wanted my money after all, and I
couldn't handle it."

She tried to say something but again he stopped her with a
finger to her lips. "No, let me finish. I ran away. It was a cowardly
thing to do, but I had to be alone to try to sort out my hurt and rage
and come to terms with it. For two months I was lost. Literally. I just
got in my car and drove. Most of that time is a blur, but when I
finally came out of it I realized that I still wanted you, needed you,
loved you. I went back to San Francisco to get you and try to make a go
of the marriage that had started out so disastrously but you were gone.
You know the rest."

Gina had been so engrossed in his explanation that she
hadn't noticed when he unbuttoned her blouse and released the front
catch on her bra. But now as his firm hand cupped the nude mound of her
full breast a wave of heat swept through her and she reached up and
pulled his head down so that his mouth teased her erect nipple.

He lifted her and laid her across his lap where his lips
and tongue had easier access to her creamy fragrant flesh. She clung to
him and nibbled lightly on his neck, causing him to shiver with
pleasure as his hand on her leg moved slowly upward. He raised his head
and looked at her, his eyes misty with desire.

"How could you possibly have thought I was disappointed in
our love-making?" he murmured thickly. "It was all I had ever hoped it
would be and more, except…"

The joy she had felt at his words was tempered. "Except
what?" she whispered anxiously.

"Except that never once in those seven years had it
occurred to me that you might be telling the truth, that you were still
a virgin. When I realized how— innocent—you were
I—"

He lifted her away from him almost roughly and sat up,
raking his hands through his light hair in a gesture of agitation.
"Gina, if I'd been any kind of man I'd have withdrawn and left you
alone. It was inexcusable of me to continue, but I couldn't have
stopped if my life had depended on it. I'd waited too long and we'd
gone too far. I had to complete it!"

Gina felt giddy with happiness. He was upset with himself,
not with her! She sat up beside him and took his hand in hers. "Of
course you had to complete it, darling. I'd have killed you if you
hadn't! Is that all that was bothering you?"

He lifted their twined hands and kissed the back of hers.
"No, that's not all," he said wearily. "In that blinding moment of
truth I knew that I had wronged you unforgivably and wasted seven long
years of our lives in a torment of my own making instead of spending
them happily together, loving each other and raising a family."

Gina knew it would take him a long time to exorcise his
guilt, but she also knew she must not let it weigh too heavily on his
conscience. She removed her hand from his and put it on his thigh, then
began caressing him with her fingers. "It's not too late to start that
family," she said softly.

The muscles beneath her hand twitched and his voice was
husky as he said, "If you keep that up the first one is going to be
conceived right here on the rug."

For a moment she continued the sensuous massage, then
shyly she began to remove her unfastened sweater, blouse and bra and
dropped to her knees on the thickly padded carpet. She lifted her arms
to Peter in mute invitation and the naked hunger in his eyes was the
acceptance she'd longed for.

With an unconscious gracefulness he pulled his shirt over
his head and knelt in front of her. She put her hands on his bare
shoulders and gently kneaded the firm flesh and muscle.

He moaned deep in his throat and took her in his arms. "I
love you, Gina," he murmured, and there was something akin to reverence
in his tone. "I've loved you from the first day we met and I'll love
you until the day I die. Don't ever doubt that."

Her happiness was so great that she was sure it was
shining from her violet eyes as she put her arms around his neck and
lifted her face to his. "I've never belonged to any man but you,
Peter," she told him softly. "In all those years without you I wasn't
even tempted, that's why I couldn't marry Stewart. I'm a one-man woman,
darling, and you're the man."

His head lowered and his eager mouth found hers and sent
liquid fire racing through her veins. She pressed herself against him
and gloried in his masculinity. As he shifted her carefully to a
reclining position she knew that she would never again have to deny the
passion that blazed between them. A passion so wild that she doubted it
could ever be tamed. She sincerely hoped that it couldn't.