If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (161 page)

Amanda’s surprised to see me. It’s nine o’clock on a school night, and I usually never show up at her house without calling her first because, one, I’m pretty sure her parents don’t like me; two, I’m positive her sisters hate me and are grand bitches; and three, she usually always picks me up. She’s happy to see me though. She loves surprises. She pulls me into her room, away from her mom’s questioning look.

Amanda covers for me. She has a way of being able to come up with a lie on the spot. “Lisa’s staying over to work on a project due tomorrow. We have to put the finishing touches on it. I’m sorry I forgot to tell you, Mom.”

She pulls me into her bedroom, her eyes wide with anticipation. She knows something’s up for me to show up like this. “What’s up? Did you and Evie get into a fight? Is Chris ready to take the next step? Did you do it with Brett?” Her excitement grows with each assumption.

I roll my eyes and calmly sit in the pretty pink rolling chair near her desk. “How are you and Chris?”

She instantly starts to fawn over how great Chris is, how talented he is, how they make such a cute couple, how jealous all the girls are of her and Chris. While she talks, I try to think of the best way to talk to my best friend about something I can’t talk to her about because she’s now dating my other best friend. Because Amanda, love her to death, would spill her guts to a boy she likes. They become a part of her newest persona, and right now, her persona is Chris’s doting, loving, loyal girlfriend.

“I have feelings for someone,” I say, finally cutting into the Chris lovefest.

“Brett,” she says as if it should be obvious.

I think of beautiful, blue-eyed Brett. Our date was
nice
. If it was Brett, things would be perfect. He’s sweet, nice, smart, and charming. He’s a good guy, and I enjoy spending time with him… more as a friend than anything. I shake my head.

“Who?” She flutters around her room to the very edge of her bed, ready for me to spill.

I let out a small breath. While Amanda is an excellent liar, I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I’m just stretching the truth.

“Come on, Lisa, you have to spill. Since when do you like boys? When do you have feelings? When did you become such a girl?” She giggles, not realizing how completely mortified I feel. I must be doing a good job hiding it.

I run through every boy in school in my mind, trying to think of someone she wouldn’t feel the need to tell Chris or anyone else about, but I come up blank.

Then her eyes grow big. She’s obviously figured out a candidate for herself. “It’s Aidan, isn’t it?”

I have to keep from laughing out loud. “Ugh, no, it’s not Aidan.”

She frowns, disappointed. “Then who? And why do you look like you’re about to throw yourself off a bridge instead of giddy in love like every other girl would be?”

I guess she is reading me right. “Because…” There are a thousand reasons why, but how can I tell her and make her understand without saying too much?

“Is it a girl? Because if you like girls, I’m totally okay with that. Unless you’re in love with me, because I’m strictly into boys,” she says, touching my shoulder.

“No, Amanda, I’m not a lesbian,” I say, exasperated.

“Oh, thank God. You being in love with me would be way too awkward.” She giggles, and for a moment, I love her for being so vain.

“He’s-he’s not available. In the worst way,” I say.

Her blue eyes are focused on me as if she’s trying to solve a mystery. “He has a girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”
Try wife.

I know it’s wrong. I imagine myself as the trashy homewrecker on some daytime TV show, but the truth is, I haven’t really thought about Mrs. Scott in all of this at all. In reality, she’s the reason I’ve been having these feelings. She set me up… okay, I’m being unreasonable. I know this isn’t what she wanted. It’s not what I wanted, but I can’t help the way that I feel.

“And he doesn’t even know I like him,” I add, and she shakes her head sympathetically. “The most messed up part is he’s not someone I should like. He-he hasn’t flirted with me or tried to impress me. He’s just naturally amazing.” I stand from the chair and turn away from her. “I’ve dated so many guys, and none are as interesting or smart as he is. I got butterflies!”

“You don’t get butterflies!” she says in shock and disbelief.

I nod profusely. “It’s fate’s cruel trick. The one man I feel something for is completely off-limits.” I feel tears in my eyes.

She pulls me down next to her on the bed. I know she’s not used to seeing me like this. I’m not used to feeling like this.

“Oh, honey. A girlfriend… I mean, it sort of sucks, but maybe you should tell him how you feel. It’s possible he could feel the same way.”

I chuckle at that. “There’s no way he feels the way I feel. There’s no possibility for us. He’d probably laugh in my face. Or be horrified.”

“Honey, are you crazy? You are hot. You’re smart, and you have a kick ass personality. The kind guys like to be around and not just to get laid,” she says, rubbing my back. “You have to tell him. What’s the worst that could happen?”

She has no idea.

“It’s just a stupid crush. I’m imagining feelings that aren’t there,” I say, trying to convince myself and her. But by the look on her face, she’s not buying it.

“Okay. This is what you’re going to do. You’re going to have sex with Brett,” she says.

“What?” I ask her as if she’s crazy.

“I think you have a wall up with guys. Maybe because of your dad, I’m not sure, but if there’s any guy you should give a chance, it’s Brett. He really likes you. He told Claire’s boyfriend that. I heard Claire bitching him out when she was home this weekend. I bet if the sex is amazing, then you’ll forget all about he-who-shall-remain-nameless.”

“How can the sex be amazing when I don’t feel anything even when he kisses me?” I ask, irritated.

“Sex and kissing aren’t the same thing,” she says as if it’s obvious. “Oh, come on, can you just tell me who it is?”

“Maybe I can try a little harder with Brett. Maybe you’re right. I’m just not giving him a chance,” I say, trying to convince myself. Deep down, I know it won’t help.

“Don’t sound so down about it. You act like you’re going out with the hunchback of Notre Dame.” Amanda’s going through one of my favorite stages yet—she’s a literature buff with a pair of cute black frames. “Who is this guy? Where did he come from? Who got the unattainable Lisa to fall this hard out of the blue?”

He’s always been there. I guess I just never noticed.

I found out why there was no guy at our house last night and why our fridge is fuller than it’s been in… since I can’t remember. My aunt Dani is visiting. If I had one wish, it would be that Aunt Dani would live with us. She’s the one person who makes my mom get her shit together. The one person my mom seems to respect—maybe the person ,my mom wishes she were. At first glance, you’d think they were twins with their light-almost-white-blond hair and perfect lips and asymmetrical noses, but my mom’s eyes are blue like ice, and Dani’s are emerald-green. Ten months apart—Irish twins—they couldn’t be more different.

“Aunt Dani!” When I see her in the kitchen while my mom makes breakfast, I’m almost giddy. I run to her like a six-year-old, and she pulls me into a bear hug.

“You get more beautiful every time I see you,” she says, taking my hands and giving me a once-over.

“Lisa bear, sit down. We’re about to have breakfast,” my mom says, her tone sweet but teetering on the edge of bitter.

Aunt Dani gives her a sideways glance. When I was younger, I didn’t recognize the way my mom looked at my aunt, but as I grew older, I did—love mixed with contempt, contempt that Evie should have for no one but herself. Aunt Dani and Evie grew up in the same household, with the same parents and the same opportunities. But as my grandma used to say, some people could pick a bad decision out of a barrel of crabs with their eyes closed and one hand tied behind their back. She’d always eye my mom whenever she said it too, and I could sense my mom glaring daggers at her. Evie’s worst decision in her parents’ eyes was marrying my dad. When he left us high and dry, it didn’t help her case.

My grandparents never let her live it down. My tenth birthday party was the last straw for Evie. My grandma said that I was the best mistake out of the worst decision she ever made in front of everyone, and Evie was livid. She unleashed so many curse words I didn’t know what they all meant. She told Grandma she never wanted to see her again and to stay away. Now I only see Grandma when Dani sneaks me for a visit.

Evie likes to pretend things are great when Aunt Dani is around, knowing she’ll report back to their mom. While my mom worked two jobs, one as a waitress and the other as a bartender, and continued to make bad decision after bad decision, my aunt Dani went to college and earned her degree in nursing. She married her husband, Dr. Grant, and moved to a well-to-do part of Chicago. She has bested my mother in every way except one.

Me.

My aunt has been trying to have a child since before I was born, and she’s never had any luck. I don’t know the medical terms, but in Evie’s language, “her well’s dried up.” I can’t imagine how my aunt would feel if she ever heard my mother say that. I wonder what my mom would think if she knew how many times I’d wished Aunt Dani was my mom.

“Why didn’t you tell me she was coming?” I say, sitting beside Aunt Dani and stuffing a piece of toast in my mouth.

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” Evie says, setting a plate of eggs on the table. It’s my favorite—scrambled hard with cheese.

“So tell me, how is everything? Do you have your eye on any schools, any special boys? I want to hear all about it,” Aunt Dani says.

I tell her about Brett—not the man who gives me butterflies—then I tell her how I’m pretty much getting As in everything except math, that I’m working on bringing up that grade. I don’t tell her that the man who gives me butterflies is the one helping me do that, and I definitely don’t tell her that I’m trying to figure out how to keep a handle on my grade without ever seeing him again. That’ll be hard since he’s my best friend’s dad, but it’ll be better for everyone.

“This Brett sounds like a keeper,” my aunt says enthusiastically.

“No college boy is a keeper for a high school girl. You know they only want one thing, and I told Lisa if she gives that up, she better be using protection,” Evie says, leaning on the counter and eating from her plate.

Aunt Dani rolls her eyes at my mother. “You’re so crass sometimes, Evie.”

“Brett and I are going to a poetry reading tonight. I wish you would have said something, Mom.” I’m disappointed. Aunt Dani and Mom can’t stand being around each other for longer than two days max, so I try to soak up as much time with her as I can.

“Oh, don’t worry. We’ll go downtown and pick you out something really cute to wear tonight and just have a regular girls’ day this afternoon,” Dani says excitedly.

I feel like a kid again.

“So go ahead and get showered. We’re going to leave around ten,” she says.

“You spoil her, Dani,” my mom mutters as I head to the bathroom.

“Someone should. I can’t believe you haven’t done more to this place since the last time I was here,” Aunt Dani replies.

A part of me feels sorry for my mom. She definitely makes mistakes, but if it weren’t for that, I probably wouldn’t be here.