Authors: Brandy Jellum
I struggle through the last half of the song, missing more notes than I
play accurately. My shoulders slowly begin to hunch over. The tears are
coming down my face quicker now and falling against the keys. The song is
coming to an end, and I only see dread in the near future. I try to focus on the
keys, trying to remember which note comes next, and all I can remember is a
jumbled mess. The song ends all too soon, and I am closing the lid to the grand
piano. I take a deep breath, turn on the piano bench, and stand up. I barely
make it to my feet when the back of my father’s hand connects with the side of my face, and I fall to the ground.
My eyes jolt open, and I take a sharp breath. My vision is blurry, and my head is pounding. I try to sit up, but I feel weak. I lie there — wherever I am lying — and feel someone brushing their hand over my hair. “Liza, darling?” It takes a minute to recognize the voice.
“Reid?” I say breathlessly and flutter my eyes. My vision is slowly
clearing up, and I can see the shadow of Reid’s face hovering over mine.
“Oh, thank God!” He exhales sharply. Just as my vision fully returns,
I feel his soft lips press against mine, and I moan. The kiss is deep,
raw, and full with love.
Love?
I am not in love with him. I can’t be.
I pull back gently, breaking free of the kiss, much to my dismay. I can keep kissing him; I could kiss him all night. Reid hovers above me, his nose brushing against the tip of mine, and his eyes are soft. I
try to move again, but my body is still weak. Reid sits up before he
helps me shift into a sitting position. I am on the couch. I don’t know how long I have been out. All I know is that Reid moved me to the couch, and the gesture comforts me.
I tentatively steal a glance at Reid and find he is staring at me with
questions in his eyes. “I’m not going to ask you a million questions right
now,” he says softly. “But we are going to have to talk about this
eventually.”
I nod slightly. He is right; we are going to have to talk. He needs
to know everything. He needs to know what kind of fucked up family
I come from. He needs to know how screwed up I am and he needs to
know that I may never be able to fully trust him enough to let my guard
down and let him in. No matter how much I want to. I have a crazy
stalker out there, and I don’t know what they want. It’s evident whoever
it is really watching my every move. How else did they know where to
deliver the photos?
A wave of nausea hits me, and before I can compose myself, I get sick on the floor of his living room. Reid says nothing and holds my
hair back as I empty out whatever is left inside of me. My face heats up
with embarrassment. Throwing up on his hardwood floor is hardly
attractive. After a few minutes, my stomach finally settles down. I wipe
the corners of my mouth with the sleeve of my T-shirt. Reid hesitates for a moment before he pulls me close to him. I gaze up into his soft dark eyes. His lips hover just above mine, and he moves to kiss me.
“Uh…” I pull away. “Before you do that… I need to clean up the mess I just made on your floor and brush my teeth.”
Reid laughs lightly. “Go brush your teeth. I’ll get the mop.”
“Reid—”
“Darling.” My heart jumps at the sentiment. “I’ve got it taken care
of. Go brush your teeth. Take a bath. I’ll make you some tea.” I hesitate
for a moment, contemplating what I should do. Reid sees right through
my walls and smiles gently. “Let me take care of you.”
I nod my head once and pull him close. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze him tightly, ignoring the fact that slowly but surely I can feel one of my walls crumbling down. I have never had anyone
really take care of me, besides Eli, but he isn’t talking to me at the
moment. The thought threatens to make me sick again. How long is
he going to do this? How long is he going to ignore me? “Thank you,”
I whisper into Reid’s chest. He kisses the top of my forehead, and then
I stand up to head to the stairs.
I pause a moment, gathering my bearings, and head to the wooden
staircase. I take the stairs slowly, holding onto the railing for balance. My
head is still pounding, and I take a deep breath. Once in the bathroom, I walk over to the tub and start the water. I scan the room for any sign
of bubble bath or oils, which of course I don’t find. Which really doesn’t
surprise me. Instead, I opt for grabbing the bottle of his body soap.
Nothing like soaking in a tub full of water that smells like the man who
makes your head spin. In a good way.
Once the tub is filled to the brim with water and bubbles, I peel off my clothes and step into the steaming hot water. Giving myself a moment to adjust to the temperature before sliding my body the rest
of the way in, I lean my head back, resting it on the edge of the tub, and
close my eyes. Not long after that I hear a slight knock on the door
and open my eyes. The door opens slowly. “I’ve got tea,” Reid says
cautiously. He pauses for a moment to see if I stop him, and when I
don’t, he walks into the bathroom holding a white ceramic mug. Steam
rises off the top off the cup, and the scent of tea fills the air.
He walks slowly towards the tub, his eyes locked on mine. I sit up
carefully, making sure most of my body still remains hidden beneath the suds. He sits on the edge of the tub and holds the mug out to me.
I reach out and take it from him. I bring the cup to my lips and let the
warm liquid slide down my throat. I can get used to being taken care of.
“Thank you,” I murmur. He leans over and kisses the top of my head.
“Anytime.” His eyes darken for a moment, and I can tell he’s holding
back something.
“Reid? What is it?” I prepare myself for the worst.
“While you were ou
—
” He clears his throat. “While you were
napping, Office Kendrick called to let me know that they still need your
statement.” I let out a sigh of relief, and Reid picks up on it instantly. “What’s wrong?”
“N-N-Nothing,” I stutter. Reid lifts an eyebrow and gives me the ‘I’m-not-buying-it’ look. “It’s just… I thought you might think I was crazy and had a change of heart,” I admit to him.
He places a hand on each of my cheeks and stares straight into
my eyes. “You are not crazy.” He kisses me gently on the corner of my
mouth. “And I’m not going anywhere.” He kisses me on the lips. I wrap
my hands around his neck, deepening the kiss and pulling him into
the tub. Fully clothed.
Reid cries out, and I laugh softly against his lips. After a few minutes,
Reid breaks the kiss and pulls away. My heart stops for a minute, and
disappointment fills me as he shifts around in the tub. Reid turns me
around, pulls me close to his chest, and I lie against him. We sit in the
tub like that for a long time— Reid still fully clothed, with me cradled
between his legs and in his arms. I start to drift off to sleep, feeling more
safe and at ease than I ever have. Lying against his chest and listening to his heart beat under me, I feel at peace. There have been times when
Eli has held me like this, usually to comfort me during the few times I
have either broken down in the past or after a nightmare, but none of those times measure up to what I am feeling now.
Reid traces my arm with his fingertip, working his way down to
my stomach, and I freeze. He’s about to discover the darkest secret of
me. The one I am most ashamed of, but I don’t pull away to stop him.
As he reaches the scar that runs across my stomach, I inhale a sharp
breath, and he hesitates for a moment before continuing the line of the
jagged scar. “Liza?” he questions softly. “What is this?”
“A scar.”
“From what?” he replies, and I shake my head. I can’t tell him. Not
yet. “I want to see it.”
“No.” The word flies out of my mouth without any thought.
“But—“
“I said no.” I pull out of Reid’s arms and turn to glare at him. It’s too much too soon. “I think you should get out. I’ll be down in a moment.”
Reid lowers his head and seems defeated, but he doesn’t protest. He gets out of the tub, his clothes sopping wet, and walks out of the bathroom without glancing back at me. I listen as he shuffles around
the room, opening and closing dresser drawers. He’s changing his
clothes. I wait until I hear the sound of the bedroom door close before
I get out of the tub and wrap the towel around me. I pause, pressing my
ear against it the door to make sure he is really gone, and then I go
and change my clothes.
Reid is standing out on the deck when I come back down, fully dressed
in a pair of sweatpants and a sweater. I need to be covered up.
In a weak and vulnerable moment, I exposed myself to him, and I don’t
plan on doing it again anytime soon. He’s standing next to the railing,
with his hands on top of it for support, and enjoying the breathtaking view.
I stand just inside the double doors and watch him. My eyes prick
with tears. This isn’t fair. I can’t do this to him. He deserves someone
who is willing to share everything with him, and I am not that person. My heart breaks as I stand there. I know what I have to do, but it’s the
hardest thing I have ever done. In these few short weeks, in which most of
the time he’s acted like an incomprehensible ass, I managed to fall
for him. It doesn’t help that he is the epitome of a gentleman, so caring
and giving, although he acts like a tough cookie on the outside. Inside
his body, in his heart, he is beautiful. My ugly heart is no match for him.
“Reid,” I say gently. He turns around and stares at me. His eyes
are soft, but I can see he’s got the walls up. I don’t blame him. He takes
a step towards me, and I just shake my head. “No.” The word is barely
audible. I can feel the strands of my heart pulling as I take a deep
breath and prepare myself for what I am about to say. “You deserve
someone better than me. Someone who can tell you everything, someone
who will let you in. I thought I could, but I can’t. I really wanted this to
work; heaven knows I wanted this to work. But I have a horrible past that I can’t burden anyone with, least of all you.”
I turn to leave and start gathering my things up. “Liza.” My name
barely comes out a whisper. I stop and stare back at him. Reid crosses the distance in four long strides with determination in his eyes. Before
I have a chance to register what is going on, he pulls me towards him and
crashes his lips against mine. I don’t resist. I want the kiss just as much
as he does. Finally, he breaks free. “I can’t lose you. I can’t explain
it, but
you make me feel complete. Even standing in the same room as you I
feel whole, like I can’t breathe without you.” He kisses my lips softly.
“Reid, you deserve someone who can share all of themselves with you.”
“No. My heart, my body, and my soul want you, and you only. I
want to feel my lips pressing against your soft, luscious mouth as much
as possible. I want to be able to wrap my arms around you whenever
I want. I want to be surrounded by the smell of your lavender scented
hair. I want wake up every morning to the warmth of your body against
mine. And I want to call you mine. If that means I only get a part of
you, then I’ll take it, because a part of you is better than none of you. I only hope that one day you trust me enough to show me all of you. The good and the bad.”
IT ONLY TAKES ME
two weeks to fall for Reid, and I have fallen
harder than I ever have before. Life seems normal. I’m not really sure what is going on between Reid and me, but I can’t ignore it anymore.
The man has more patience and heart than anyone I have ever met.
Something I would have never guessed. I thought he was nothing more
than a slimy sleazeball, but he keeps proving me wrong. Reid has kept
his touching minimal, and hasn’t touched my scar or asked about it
again. The smallest of touches, however, sets my body on fire, like when
he runs his fingers up and down my arm or holds me close to his chest.
He ignites a flame in me that I never knew existed. I have never been so drawn, so enraptured, and so perfectly content as I am now.
Another bonus is that Reid doesn’t pry. He doesn’t ask any questions
about my past, but I know he wants to, and I find myself telling him bits
and pieces of it. Things I had long forgotten and things I know I won’t
regret sharing. Little simple things, like my favorite thing to eat as a kid,
my love for the piano, and how I refused to wear anything except tutus
for nearly a year when I was seven. Things that seem so insignificant
to most people, but things I forgot I treasured. I didn’t delve much into
my parents, but I have shared with him that they weren’t happy or the
greatest parents in the world.