Authors: Brandy Jellum
Reid
smiles, “Have I told you how
delectable
you are in that
dress?
”
“Well, if you play your cards right, you may win the right to help
me out of it tonight.” I grin, seizing the moment to soak up our normal
repartee. “Maybe I’ll even let you have some dessert if you’re a good boy.” A low growl vibrates across the table, and I smile again.
The waitress comes back to fill our glasses with some wine and
hands us our menus. I decide to try the chicken linguine, and Reid
orders a steak with some sides. As we drink our wine, we talk about
everything except for the incident in the bedroom earlier. Reid carries
most of the conversation, careful to drive the topic away from my
discovery. I’m sure he realizes that I know what he is doing, but I say
nothing and go with the flow of conversation. The food arrives, and
it’s as good as it sounded. I steal a few bites of Reid’s steak throughout
dinner and wish I had ordered it for myself. The steak is marinated in
an amazing sauce and melts right in your mouth. It is like a combination
of flavors bursting in your mouth between the red wine and the
seasonings. Reid takes care of the bill, and as we start to leave the
restaurant, I see the last person I expected to see. On his arm is someone
who looks eerily familiar, but I couldn’t place her.
“Elias?” Eli stops and glances between Reid and I. He tenses but
puts on his best fake smile. Since I saw him the last time in my apartment,
he’s cut his hair and lost some weight. Not that he needed to, but he
has. His eyes look baggy, as if he hasn’t slept in weeks, and just the
sight of him makes my heart break.
“Oh hey, Liza,” he says softly, and his eyes flicker towards Reid again. “How are you doing? Are you okay?”
“I tried to call…” My
words
hang in the
air.
“But you never answer.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“Too busy to talk to your
best
friend?” My voice
begins
to get slightly
louder as the irritation builds. He glances back at the dark haired woman
that came in with him, and I squint my eyes. I can’t help but think how
familiar she seems. She shrinks behind Eli, as if to hide from my glaring
eyes. “If you didn’t want to talk to me, you could’ve just told me, instead
of ignoring me like we were in high school again.”
“Can we have this conversation another time? My date and I came
to have dinner.” I can’t believe him. He
is dismissing
me over some broad
he is here with, someone I don’t even know.
Why not?
I did the same thing with him when I chose Reid over my best friend.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly, tears brimming my eyes, and I walk past
him. I glance over my shoulder as I open the door and see Reid has
pulled him off to the side. He is
whispering,
but I can see he is not happy,
and I am surprised when I see Reid clap a hand on his shoulder, nod his head, and head in my direction. “What was that about?”
“Just two grown men having a chat,” Reid answers.
I walk faster to the car, irritated beyond belief. My first official date
with Reid since we became a couple has not gotten the start or ending
I was hoping. Reid unlocks the car with the button in his hand, and I
climb into the car, slamming the door behind me. Reid sits down in the
car, puts the key into the ignition, but doesn’t turn it. “I hate secrets, you know,” I say, staring straight out the window.
“For someone who hates them so much, you seem to have quite
a bit yourself.” His voice is harsh. I turn my head towards him and sigh.
He doesn’t glance at me, starts the car, and eases out of the parking spot.
Touché, Mr. Harder, touché.
The drive back to his house is awkward, and the tension is stronger
than it was on the car ride over. I am just ready for the night to be over.
Maybe I will be sleeping in my own bed tonight. How can yesterday be one of the most perfect nights in the world and today turn into a
mess? The story of my life. Sure, I have no one else to blame but myself.
I barely wait for Reid to park the car before I am quickly flying out of the passenger seat and making my way up to the front door. Tears
streak my face as I try to punch in the code to his door. My body is
shaking and I just want to crawl into bed. This is all my fault. I’m
damaged goods. I’m single-handedly ruining the best thing that has ever happened to me, because I can’t just spit out the damn truth.
All my fears, all my doubts, all my self-criticism is slowly breaking
me down. Ruining a chance of happiness before it has even lifted off
the ground. I can’t do it. I can’t keep stringing him along. I can’t set
myself up for heartbreak again. I’ve had my heart broken before, and
I will not let it happen again. Eventually, Reid is going to get sick of my
double standards. He is going to start despising the fact that I expect him to share every part of himself with me and only give him a part
of me. Although he claims that he’d rather have only a part of me than
none at all, I can’t really expect him to hold onto that. One day, he’s going to wake up, and realize he doesn’t want that anymore, that he doesn’t
want me anymore, and I will be left shattered in a million
pieces again.
I hear Reid call out to me as I push open the door and rush to the stairs. I make my way down the hall leading to my room, where I left my duffle bag yesterday when we arrived. I never unpacked, so it’ll be easy to grab and leave.
“What are you doing?” I hear Reid say behind me. I stop, glance back at him, and see him standing in the doorway.
“I can’t do this.” I take a deep breath and snag the bag off the bed. “I thought I could, but I can’t. So I’m going home.”
“I’m not going to let you run away when things start to get tough.
It may have worked in the past, but it’s not going to work now.” I try
to push past him, and he stops me. “I won’t let you Liza; it’s time to
stop running.” He pulls me against his chest, and I sag against him.
“I’m not letting you go so easily. Do you not get it? I… love… you. All
of you. The good, and the frustrating. Just because things have been
tense today doesn’t mean anything. Some days, things are going to be
hard. Some days, we’re going to fight. We’re going to scream and shout.
We’re going to disagree, whether it’s about what color of sheets we
want or how to wash laundry. That’s what couples do. That’s what
people who are in love do. They call each other on their bullshit, they fight, and then they have the most amazing make up sex.”
I laugh against his chest. “But I’m lying to you. I can’t even open up to you. One day you’re going to get sick of my secrets and leave.”
“You have secrets. So do I. Everyone does, but that’s the way of life.” He kisses my forehead. “I will never leave you unless you tell me to. You hold that power. You have my heart in your hands.”
“You’re perfect,” I whisper and tighten my arms around him.
“Absolutely perfect.”
“Not perfect… just right.” I can’t disagree with him. I know he’s wrong, but I’ll let him think he is right for now. One day, he will get
sick of me, and he will leave. I just have to prepare myself for that day.
“What do you say to a bath?”
I never, ever want to leave Reid’s bathroom or bathtub. With the
jets, the bubbles, and the never-ending candles providing the only light
in the room, I am in heaven. Of course, the only way I will stay is if
Reid agrees to never leave. I snuggle against him in the crook of his legs,
and he holds me tight. Classical music plays softly over the speakers
in the bathroom. When the music first came on, I searched around the
bathroom for any sign of them and found none. I quickly gave up the
search when Reid joined me. I close my eyes and rest my head against
his chest, listening to his heart beating steadily beneath me.
We stay in the bathtub until our skin becomes like prunes, wrinkly
and old looking. Reid holds out the towel for me as I step out of the tub and dries me off. He wraps the towel around me, and I can’t help
staring at his naked torso as he repeats the process on himself. He
really is a sight to behold. Neither of dress as we head back into his
bedroom. He shows me how to work the controls that bring up the TV and how to access his collection of movies. I stick with the horror theme from the other night and go with
Halloween.
Halfway through the movie, Reid lets me know that I don’t have to go into the office
tomorrow if I don’t want to. He already cleared it with his uncle. I don’t
know if I should be happy or angry that he assumed I wouldn’t be up
for work tomorrow, but I’m glad he thought of me. The idea of missing
more work kills me, but after the day I had, I really can use another day off. So I tell him that I will stay home and just relax for the day.
Something Reid said earlier stuck with me. It is time for me to stop running
from my past, and I know exactly how to do it. Tomorrow, I will adventure up to the house I have avoided like the plague for the
last six years. I will face my inner demons. I will overcome all the pain
and suffering I have locked away. It is time to move on, and I want
to with Reid. The only way I can do that is returning to the place that haunts my nightmares, and then tell Reid the truth about everything. And I mean
everything.
Sometime, after another night of lovemaking, I finally manage to fall
into a fitful sleep. For the first time in weeks, I have another nightmare,
but it’s not the one with my mother blaming me for her death. Rather
it’s one of the house, the one I grew up in. I am wandering around,
searching for a way out, but I am trapped, and the walls are caving in
on me. I wake up in a panic, gasping for air, and sweat pouring off of
me. The sun is just beginning to rise and filter in through the large
windows next to the bed. I peek over at Reid, who is still peacefully
sleeping, and brush a strand of his hair out of his face. I pull the covers
aside and slip out of the bed. I walk into the bathroom, turn the shower
on, slip out of my clothes, and step under the spray.
The hot water beats down on my body as I sit on the floor of the
shower. Tears fall down my face, as if a dam has busted open. The
nightmare was doing strange things to me, and I can’t make any sense
of it. I was watching a montage of walking down the familiar hallways
as they closed in on me. I don’t know if it was the sight of the blood
that smeared the walls, or the echoing sound of banging on the doors,
is what has me terrified of my plan for the day.
Two strong arms scoop me up off the floor and out of the shower. I can barely make Reid out in the stream of tears steadily falling down
my face as he sets me down and wraps a towel around me. “Liza?
What’s
wrong?”
After a few calming breaths, I begin to feel more in control of my
emotions and glance up at Reid. His eyebrows are creased, his eyes full
of worry, and he is staring at me tenderly. I fight to bring a faint smile
to my lips and know I failed when he frowns slightly. “Just another
nightmare,” my voice comes out softly.
“
Want
to talk about it?” I
shake
my
head
. “Do you have them often?”
“No.” Not for a long time at least. “Just occasionally.” He pulls me close to him. I can feel his chest rising as he takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. “What are you doing out of bed?”
“I woke up and found your side of the bed empty. I thought you snuck away and left me while I was asleep.”
I laugh
softly
, gaze up at him, and press a
kiss
a
gains
t his chin. “You
would know it if I was leaving. As you see, I can be quite dramatic
when it comes to you.”
“I hope you never leave.”
His confession tightens around my heart. I will never leave, but
nothing is stopping him from walking away one day. Today, I will make
sure that doesn’t happen. “The same goes for you… unfortunately, you
do have to leave me.” He glances down at me and raises an eyebrow.
“You can’t afford to miss any more work, whether your uncle owns
the company or not.”
Both of us laugh, and this morning’s episode is quickly behind
us. I get dressed and wait for Reid to get ready for work. I don’t wait long before Reid pulls his laptop out of his bag and writes down the password in case I want to access my email account for work and do some work while at the house. After he makes sure I know and have everything I need, he’s pulling me into a deep kiss and whispering how I will be invading every thought he has today. I head back into
the house when I see his car disappear down the street and go into the
kitchen to make something to eat. After breakfast, I head upstairs, pull his laptop onto the top of his bed, and turn it on. I enter the password
and wait for it to quickly load and log into my email.