If Someone Says "You Complete Me," RUN! (6 page)

Mind you, these are the things that are important to me. They may not be important to you. So, I’ll tell you what, I’ll let you spend some time thinking about this.

Of course, you should also think about the things that you
don’t
want. For example, it might be someone who is lazy, someone who puts you down or is dismissive of your ambitions or dreams, someone who is too needy, who doesn’t want you to hang out with your
friends, someone who has a drinking problem, who isn’t reliable, who doesn’t show up physically or emotionally when you need him.

There are probably a million things you
don’t
want. Be clear and be specific. Don’t wait until the honeymoon to figure it out. Spell it out for yourself now, because once you articulate all this stuff and are very clear before you meet someone, you will know what you are willing to deal with and not deal with. That way, you won’t let chemistry or attraction or lust or wishful thinking get you into a relationship that you know isn’t right for you. You will look at this new person and say, “Hey, you are hot and fun and I like hanging out with you but… you don’t have that ability for deep connection that I really need, and you’re always texting at the restaurant instead of talking to me, and I don’t want that.”

So get it down on paper, and force yourself to be clear about what is acceptable and what isn’t. This will make you really think about it, and you’ll also have it written down, so in the future you can look at it and remind yourself, “Oh shit, I said I didn’t want that and yet here I am with someone who has that,” or “I know I need such-and-such in order to be really happy with someone, and I’m just not getting it from this person.”

Just write them down. I’ll wait.

Oh good, you’re back.

So you wrote the two lists. Now let me ask you a question: Do you have the patience to wait for what you’re looking for? Most people don’t. Most people will rush into a relationship because they feel lonely, or they want to share the holidays with somebody, or they want a vacation with somebody. Or, as some people who will remain nameless have done, they get married just because they really like the wedding and party, love the idea of everyone coming together and saying, “This is a really great day.”

Yeah, that last one was me.

Yes, I’ll admit it, I loved all that. It was the day to day I couldn’t handle. I’d wake up and look over to the person next to me in bed and think, “Oh, damn, you’re still here.” That was my attitude. You can’t have that attitude with someone you profess to want to marry or live with. Or even date. You have to decide if you are really ready to be with one other person.

I guess by now it’s pretty obvious that I do not like being married or in a relationship, except for the two or three minutes that I’m interested in it. Sometimes it’s because of the little things.

If I want to, I can… well, I’ll put it frankly, fart walking through the house, and I don’t have to explain it to someone. If it smells really bad, I don’t have to say I’m sorry. Maybe I have to say I’m sorry to the cat, but that’s the only creature I have to deal with.

If I want to, I can drop something on the floor and not pick it up until tomorrow. I feel okay about that. I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t feel like it. I can hear my own thoughts.

This freedom for me is worth far more than any relationship.

I have to be honest with myself about all this because sometimes I used to walk around in a fog, thinking, “Oh, this person likes me. I’d better hook up with him.”

I can tell you: it’s not a good idea to do that. It
is
a good idea to take your time. Most people don’t want to do that because they want instantaneous relief. They’re feeling all sad, thinking, “I’m lonely, boohoo. I have to go find somebody.”

I need you to understand that it’s okay to want to be by yourself.

It’s okay to be patient and hold out for what you really want in a relationship.

There’s no reason to settle. Sometimes that means spending some time with yourself and figuring out what you’re looking for—
not
what your family or your friends or community or society dictate to you, but what
you
really, deep down in your heart and soul as a freethinking individual, want.