If We Dare to Dream (33 page)

Against her back, she felt his fist clench. “They tried to shoot down the copter that flew us out of there. Air support was finally able to hit them hard back, but not before two other guys were hit…

“Then they told me in the hospital that I was done. I had too many pieces lodged too close to my cervical spine to operate on, so I was no longer fit for duty.”

Swallowing hard, she placed several soft kisses against his neck. “You’ve been through so much.”

“No more than all the other guys I was with.”

“You’ve all experienced a lot, Andrew, and those times will stay with you for the rest of your life. There’s nothing wrong with feeling grief and anger.”

He nodded impatiently. “I’ve heard all that before. They would tell us to take it out on our enemies, but look at me now. The state became my enemy; the public I served, killed for and almost died for did. My family is fractured. My brother…”

Jamie pressed two fingers against his lips. “Andrew…”

Shaking his head, his hand tightened around her. “I came home half the man I was when I left. When I received my discharge, I had no idea what I was going to do. Even when I went to see Brad’s wife and his little daughter it was just different. I was an outsider in the community that had been my home. My girlfriend at the time couldn’t handle it. She took off right after I hit stateside.

“I had symptoms that they couldn’t diagnose well back then. The doctors were trying to figure out what was wrong with all us guys who came home and couldn’t sleep. They were throwing medication at me left and right. At one point I had five prescriptions… Since they couldn’t really tell me what to do and how to cope, I started drinking.”

She had wanted to know, but now that it was coming so quickly she was not sure how to react. Sorrow, anger, fear, shock, all of those emotions welled up inside her. Raising her head slowly, Jamie met his steady gaze with as much strength as possible.

“I drank for a while before I realized that self-pity wasn’t going to help me get any better. So I decided to quit drinking and come home. Adam finished up his advanced training and was deploying to Iraq. It was hard to put on an enthusiastic face for my little brother, but I tried. I put on my positive face and hid it all from him – I kinda wish I hadn’t. Maybe he wouldn’t be so torn up right now if he knew what he was feeling was what I’d gone through.”

“So you think that he’s going through what you went through?”

“Without a doubt.”

“Is that why he’s so angry at you?”

“I always protected my brother. I failed him this time, and he hates me for it.”

That explained a lot about his behavior during their dinner, and Jamie wondered how Andrew could have been so different when she first met him. After all, that first encounter had charmed her. He seemed so different from the man he was describing.

“It was so easy for the courts to use my
problem
to their benefit when they were accusing me of murder. They announced that I’d snapped after witnessing prolonged combat and stress. It was so easy to believe yet so hard to treat. So I ended up shunned and sent to prison, right after I made the conscious choice to take my health into my own hands.”

“That’s my fault. I should’ve been there for you.”

“You’ve said that before,” he said. His eyes closed briefly as he shook his head. “Jamie, when I talked to you that night I thought that I was finally getting my life back. I left feeling a lot happier and more of my normal self than I had since my first deployment. I thought I was becoming me again.”

Jamie smiled, but it faded when she realized how quickly that moment was taken away from him.

“The next thing I knew I was being arrested. Then I was looking at life in prison. At first I thought it was all a joke, but that didn’t last long. I was wearing prison stripes and locked in a tiny cell.”

“Was it that terrible?”

He studied her for a moment without speaking then shook his head. “I went in thinking I would just keep to myself, but I learned quickly that it doesn’t work that way. It makes you a target. The first few months were hell, and I ended up in the hospital. But I still had so much rage, and I remembered my training well… After I got back to my cell, people decided that I was too much of a loaded cannon to mess with. I chose my … I guess I can’t call them friends… associates I guess, very carefully. I just preferred to be alone.

“It was hell, Jamie, don’t get me wrong. I guess I shouldn’t say that it wasn’t that terrible because that isn’t true. It was years off my life where all I could do was think: think about war, think about the mess my life was, think and rage that these people had turned against me. I would’ve preferred going back to Afghanistan than sitting and rotting in that hell hole with people that would just as soon spit in your face than smile at you.”

Seeing the horror in her eyes, he stopped speaking. She leaned over and pressed a kiss on his cheek, and then she moved to his chin before finally coming to rest on his scar. She let her lips linger briefly before sitting back. “I understand why you never smile,” she said softly. “But I’ll make sure you laugh again if it kills me trying.”

He reached over and pulled her atop his lap. His hands slipped up her back and over her shoulders until he cupped both her cheeks in his hands. As he drew her face to his, he spoke one last time. “Jamie, you’ve already saved my life.”

He kissed her then as desperately as he had the night before. Despite his urgency, she relaxed against him and kissed him back with all the emotion he had raised inside her with his story. Even though he claimed he was only half the man he used to be, to her he was the strongest, smartest, bravest person she had ever met. He was a man that had gone on when so many others would have given up. In her eyes he was a man in the truest sense of the word, scars or no. When he slipped his arm under her knees and came to his feet, she also realized that he was the man she was falling in love with.

***

Though he had been expecting it and waiting for it to happen, Andrew watched Ford approach with a slight feeling of trepidation. After an early return to his grandmother’s house midweek, Adam had rented a car and driven off to San Diego to visit with more friends. With his brother out of town, Jamie had insisted that he continue to stay at her house, and two of those days during the week he had not snuck out at dawn, preferring to lie next to Jamie’s soft body for as long as possible. In addition, his truck had been parked in her driveway for most of the weekend, so it was just a matter of time before one or all of her brothers descended upon him. He actually felt some relief that Tuesday afternoon that it was just her oldest brother and his boss that appeared.

His work had been exemplary, and Ford had on more than one occasion made a comment that he hoped Andrew would not leave him for something better due to the fact that he was ‘damn smart’. However, at that moment Ford did not look as though he was coming to praise him.

His voice matched his serious demeanor. “Hey Andrew.”

Andrew straightened from the beam he was inspecting and came to his feet slowly. Holding out his hand, he was relieved when Ford accepted it. “Ford.”

“Hanging out a little late, aren’t you?”

He shrugged. “Just wanted to check a few things before I left.”

“Things are coming along great out here,” Ford said as he took in the progress with a critical eye. “You guys are ahead of schedule.”

Andrew nodded in agreement. “It’s been going very smoothly. No big issues have popped up yet.”

“Let’s hope they don’t.”

Andrew began gathering up his tools, aware that Ford was watching him closely. He waited for the ball to drop, but Ford seemed content to merely study him and size him up.

As Andrew moved toward the door, Ford followed behind all the way to his truck. “Do you have plans this evening? Have time for a quick drink?”

Andrew glanced at him over his shoulder. “I don’t drink.”

“I’ll drink, and you can watch.”

Knowing that this was Ford’s way of telling him he would not accept a negative answer, Andrew conceded. “All right. Where did you have in mind?”

“I know a small place not too far from here. Just follow me.”

Still new to text messaging, Andrew fumbled his way through a brief message to Jamie advising her that he would be home late while Ford returned to his truck. Then they were pulling away from the home site and making their way out of the custom development toward the main streets of north Mesa. While he drove, he found his thoughts circling to how he would manage getting out to his grandmother’s to take care of the horses and then back to Jamie’s house before dinner. Somehow he doubted that would be possible, especially when Ford pulled into the parking lot of a small Mexican restaurant. When he found a spot, he sent another message to her to let her know he probably would not make it for dinner. His phone vibrated almost immediately in return, but he figured it wise to not tell her where he was or who he was with at that point.

It was a surprise to him as they were led to a small table painted a vibrant yellow to contrast with the blue, red and orange of the walls that he was a little nervous to hear what Ford would say. The last couple of weeks in Jamie’s company had been some of the happiest days in his memory, the depth of which he had not realized until that moment. Although he knew it was not really their business, more than anything he wanted her brothers to approve of their relationship. With his family broken apart by war and their emotional scars, feeling the fresh optimism from her family had become vital to him. Knowing how close a family they were made it all the more important that he stay on their good side, and he was not mentally prepared for anything less. Jamie had become a priceless part of his life, one he would not willingly part with. She had encouraged him to talk, held him in her arms while he released his inner angst, and she reminded him constantly that he had the rest of his life ahead of him to do with what he wanted. In her company, he could feel himself heal.

Taking a seat across from Ford, Andrew watched as Jamie’s brother smiled his thanks at their young hostess before turning his attention back to him. “You sure you won’t have a beer?”

“Water’s fine for me.”

Ford placed their order with the girl and picked up the laminated menu. “I’m starved. Are you going to eat something?”

Reaching for his own menu, Andrew gave it a once over and hoped the food was as nice as the interior. “Sure.”

Their waitress appeared with the drink order, interrupting any further conversation. She smiled expectantly while the two of them decided what they were going to eat. Andrew allowed Ford to go first then placed his own order for a chicken enchilada. He sat back with the fresh tortilla chips and salsa the waitress left at their table, waiting for Ford to say what was on his mind.

It took only a moment before Ford broke the silence. “How’s the job going? Are you enjoying it?”

Andrew was surprised at this indirect approach but accepted it. “It’s good to work… I like it.”

“Times have been really tough for all of us lately, tight. Am I paying you enough?”

Andrew’s brows rose. “Well, sure… I’m glad to have a job right now.”

Nodding his head, Ford reached for a handful of chips and placed them on his plate but did not make an attempt to eat any. Instead he leveled Andrew with a steady stare. “It’s only been a short time, but I have to say that I’m still just as impressed with your work as I was when you first came on board. You’re good with your guys and lead them exceptionally well. All of the jobs you’ve handled have gone without a hitch. I’d like to keep you on as long as possible.”

“I have no plans of going anywhere,” Andrew replied.

Ford took a long drink of his beer before setting it down on the table. His gaze avoided Andrew’s. “Jamie told me that you’ve been invited to talk about your experiences over the last few years…”

His voice trailed off uncomfortably. That was a reaction he was growing more used to. Not very many people aside from Jamie wanted to discuss the wrong done to him. Darren was still studiously working on a settlement from the state, something Andrew had only discussed with him and Jamie. Now that he had her in his life, Andrew was finding the rage slowly easing from him and now more than ever he wanted to put the past – all of it – behind him. He wanted a new life, one that included Jamie.

The realization made him pause. A life with Jamie? That was sudden. As he thought of it, he concluded that he did, he really did.

“That’s a career path I have little interest in,” he reassured Ford.

“She also mentioned that you had given up pursuit of your master’s when you joined the military. She said you were considering finishing that off.”

The corners of Andrew’s mouth deepened in amusement. “She’s been talkative.”

Ford shrugged. “Our family has no secrets.”

So there it was.

“I can tell.”

This time it was Ford who smiled in amusement. “I know you and Jamie tried to keep it quiet and you’d leave early so no one would see your truck, but I jog in the evenings when it cools off.” He patted his stomach. “I’m not getting any younger, and I’m beginning to settle in areas I have no wish to sag.”

Though they were almost the same age, Andrew could not relate to Ford’s comment. He was still as trim as he had when he was in the military. Though he tried to remain sympathetic, his voice was tight when he answered. “We weren’t hiding anything. We have nothing to hide.”