If We Dare to Dream (37 page)

He just did not know if he was strong enough.

First he needed to think.

***

A chilly evening turned into a breezy night when Andrew retired to the rooftop observatory with Adam. He donned a coat over his long-sleeve pullover before leaving the house, admitting finally that the dog days of summer had turned into the cool temperatures of fall. This was the second evening with temperatures in the 50s, and there was talk of a winter storm arriving within the next few days. The hint that the mountain may actually get a dusting of snow caused Andrew’s eye to stray to the black silhouette off in the distance. Seeing it with snow was a sight to behold, and this year he welcomed staring at it from his grandparent’s roof rather than from the distance of his prison cell.

“Do you remember when we first came here?” Adam broke the silence with a wistful smile and low voice. “Do you remember how we looked up at that mountain and thought we were in the wilderness?”

Andrew nodded with a smile of remembrance. “Afraid grizzlies would break in our bedroom and attack us.”

Adam chuckled. “Exactly.”

“I remember.”

“I had no idea back then what wilderness was. I bet you didn’t either until you were deployed.”

Andrew’s lips compressed. “To an extent, yes. There were definitely remote areas.”

“Filled with savages.”

“Filled with people who were not accustomed to heavily armed troops shooting them and invading their land,” Andrew corrected softly.

“Funny how things are never what you expect them to be… what you think you know and what is the truth end up being two separate things.”

“That’s very true.” Andrew took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I spoke to someone from back east today.”

Adam’s brows rose in undisguised surprise. “You did? One of your old unit buddies?”

“No, she called for you.”

“She?”

The change in Adam’s demeanor was sudden. While previously reclining in his chair with his beer nonchalantly dangling from his hand, he suddenly sat up straight and his foot began its nervous tapping. Andrew noted the change with interest.

“Gracia.”

“She called looking for me?”

Andrew turned and leaned against the roof, crossing his legs at the ankle. This was the important time; the time when he would have to watch Adam’s reaction carefully. Lies were easy to spot when one knew what to look for. Considering his experience in gauging liars, Andrew suspected his brother would be a piece of cake. “She called to warn you. Apparently some police officers were looking for you and visited her. Did you have some trouble with another woman before you left?”

Adam’s eyes widened even more, until they appeared like large, white saucers in his handsome face. The rapid tattoo of his foot stopped as he ingested the new information, and Andrew saw that his chest barely rose. Adam was so surprised that he forgot to breathe.

Interesting.

His initial surprise turned to confusion. His brows drew together and his lips grew thin. “Did she tell them where I was?”

“Not exactly.”

Adam’s eyes strayed back to the mountain. He considered Andrew’s response carefully for a moment before turning back and smiling. “I think before I leave I’ll hike back up there one last time… you know, leave with a bang.”

“She left me a name and number. Do you want it?”

“Well I guess I’d better, so that I know what’s going on.”

Nodding his head slowly, Andrew stared at his brother closely. “You have no idea why the police would be looking for you?”

Never turning away from the mountain, Adam shook his head. “No clue.”

“Then maybe a call can fix that. I’ll leave the number on the counter for you.”

“Cool.”

“Will you still be here tomorrow when I get home?”

“I want to catch up on my sleep and visit with Grandma a little before I leave. Why? You going somewhere?”

Shrugging, Andrew thought of Jamie. “I’ll be back tomorrow after work.”

Though he never mentioned her outright, Adam seemed to know. He stiffened and his voice was cold. “You’re serious, huh?”

“She’s been good for me.”

Snorting in disbelief, Adam downed the rest of his beer and crumpled the can in one hand. “No woman is any good, Andrew. They’re all liars, just useless. Sooner or later you’ll realize that.”

“Strong words, Adam,” Andrew said softly.

“But all true.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” he replied as he turned to the stairs. Once again, he left his brother alone on the rooftop staring off into the distant blackness.

“Yeah. Have a good night, bro.”

When Andrew pulled into Jamie’s driveway, he stared at the darkened house for a moment. Though he knew Jamie was not expecting him, he had the overwhelming urge to see her one last time before he took action. Conflicted thoughts plagued his mind, concern for Adam, fear for the trouble his brother was facing, and worry for the lies his brother had just fed him. In addition to that was his growing suspicion and fear for what he had to do next. Though he knew it was not fair to her, more than anything he needed Jamie’s stability.

Pressing his finger against the bell, he waited as the melodious chime echoed through the house. A few moments later he heard the sound of a lock turning, and suddenly Jamie was before him, backlit by the light from the kitchen which cast a halo around her. To him, she was his angel. Her dark hair was hanging loose around her shoulders, tumbling down her back and contrasting sharply with the infamous red bathrobe. Returning his gaze to her clear, beautiful face, he noted the broad smile that reached her sparkling, dark eyes. She pushed the door open, and he reached for her eagerly. Enveloping her in his arms, he pulled her close and buried his face in her hair.

“Wow, what a nice surprise,” she gasped.

When he did not answer, she reached out and closed the door behind him with one hand while the other held him close. Once the door was locked, she guided him the sofa in her great room and pushed him down. He sat heavily, his hands remaining around her hips as she followed and straddled his thighs. Her hands went to his face. They were cool and gentle against his rough cheeks. She leaned forward and kissed him several times, light and warm kisses against his lips, cheek and chin.

“What happened?”

“It’s Adam… Jamie, I don’t know what to do. I needed to see you,” he replied. Though he did not doubt she knew of his need, his hands tightened around her hips.

“I can tell,” she said with a chuckle.

“Let’s talk later.”

***

Jamie lay nestled in the crook of Andrew’s arm, her cheek pressed against the smooth skin of his chest. She listened to the strong and steady beat of his heart which had slowed considerably after their urgent lovemaking. While accustomed to his varying moods and unexplainable tension, tonight there was something more tangible about his distress. Though he was not yet speaking, she was concerned about what was to come. With his arms wrapped around her securely, Jamie felt enveloped yet it was a hollow feeling. He just was not there. His mind was miles away. Something had happened. Something bad.

Her hand crept up to his smooth chest and she began tracing small lines across the various muscles of his chest. She smiled as she thought how unlikely a couple they were, how crazy their situation was. But she had no regrets; instead, she was happier than she had been in years. She foresaw a long and happy lifetime with Andrew, regardless of his past.

“I need some time,” he said softly.

Even though she was not sure what she expected was troubling him, that was certainly not it. Drawn from her fantasies of picket fences and a houseful of children, Jamie’s hand stilled in her random exploration. Propping her chin where her cheek recently rested, Jamie tilted her face to meet Andrew’s gaze in the darkness. “Time?”

Though his hands tightened around her in a way that told her he never wanted to let her go, his voice was distant and lifeless. It was more like the old Andrew, and she felt a shiver of fear race down her spine.

“A few things have come up and I’m afraid I won’t be able to be there for you… I need some space.”

She stiffened slightly. “Have I done something out of line?”

“No!” He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

“Then enlighten me.”

He exhaled heavily, his breath stirring her hair. “I can’t right now.”

“But you will?”

“When I’m able.”

“Ok… I guess.” Her voice broke slightly.

Andrew’s arm tightened instantly. “Jamie, this has nothing to do with you. I need you to believe that first and foremost. Please don’t be hurt.”

“Okay,” she said softly. “If you have things you need to deal with, that’s fine. I just wish you could share it with me.”

His hand left the curve of her waist and reached up to stroke her hair. The touch was as gentle as it had ever been, and again Jamie marveled at his restraint. So large, so strong, so familiar with death and violence, and yet his heart was still as gentle as an innocent’s. Leaning into his hand, she reached up and stroked his furrowed brow.

“Can you talk about it at all?”

He shook his head with regret. “Believe me, Jamie, I would if I could. I can’t even put my finger on it yet. I just have the feeling that things are going to go all to hell again, and I don’t want you involved.”

“I want to be there for you, Andrew,” she insisted. “I should be.”

“You are, more than you think. Just knowing that I can go through what’s coming and come home to you makes it possible for me to keep going.”

“These cryptic words are frightening,” she muttered unhappily.

“It may be nothing. Please don’t worry.”

She snorted. “How can I not worry when you’re being evasive and ominous?”

“Because everything I’m feeling is just a hunch or maybe a feeling. There’s nothing concrete to it.”

“Yet.”

“Possibly.”

Leaning up, Jamie followed her hand and pressed her lips against his. It was a brief kiss, but she put as much of the love that she felt in her heart into it. When she slowly pulled away his eyes were distant but his hands were still gripping her tightly.

“I love you, Andrew,” Jamie whispered. “And I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”

Speaking the words were not as difficult as she thought it would be, even though the response was not what she would have hoped. He nodded briefly and slid down until they were face to face.

“I’m sorry that you got mixed up with me.” She heard the misery in his voice and longed to shake some sense into him. “You deserve so much more than what I can offer.”

She pressed her fingers to his lips. “Sshh, don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“No it’s not. You’re perfect.”

A deep groan rose from his chest and he dipped his head to capture her lips. Though unable to say the words, she felt the tightly contained emotion emanating from him. He cared, and that was all that mattered at the moment. That was all she needed to know.

***

Jamie always felt a sense of loneliness when she awoke to an empty spot beside her. Whenever Andrew spent the night, she wanted to wake up with him beside her even though his sporadic sleep pattern had not eased completely yet. Despite the strides he was making, he still awoke several times in the night with a jerk or a shout. He settled once she moved to his side, snuggling up against her and holding onto her like a man drowning. Those were the mornings when Jamie knew that they were meant to be together. But then there were still mornings when she would wake and he would be gone. This was one of those mornings, and the empty feeling seemed even more pronounced following his cryptic comments in the night.

She lay in bed for several minutes, running their conversation over in her mind in a desperate search for clues. After their glorious weekend, his sudden change seemed out of sorts and even forced, but she threw back the duvet and turned on her shower with every intention of keeping her promise. She had agreed to wait until he was ready, and she intended to keep it that way.

Going through her morning ritual distractedly, she had just pulled on her cream colored sweater when the doorbell rang. Hurrying to the door in the hopes that Andrew returned, she pulled it open and spotted Adam on the other side of the screen. She was unable to hide the look of distaste and surprise as she faced the last person she expected to see at her door. With wrinkled clothes and tousled hair, Adam looked as though he had not slept at all the previous night. Glancing beyond him to the small rental car parked haphazardly in her driveway, she frowned in confusion.

“Adam?”

“I’m looking for Andrew. Is he here?”

“Andrew?” She shook her head. “Um, no… I imagine he’s at work.”

Adam’s eyes shifted quickly, looking beyond her into her great room and then back again.  “I tried. He isn’t there.” As though pressing his point home, he reached for the locked screen door handle. “Jamie, I’m really worried about him. He was weird yesterday and then took off. I haven’t seen or heard from him since, and I’m a bit freaked out.”