Daniel cut him off and said, “Okay, Blaine. I won't do it.”
“On today's show, Rhonda chats with a bipolar lesbian nun! It's a story you won't believe. Then Robby learns how to bake cookies from Mrs. Fields herself!”
“You won't do the show?” the producer asked in a panicked tone.
“But first, Robby and Rhonda get to chat with a real-life gay supercouple! From
Secret Splendor,
Daniel Stephenson! And his significant other, the creative genius behind the blockbuster ad campaigns for Lillith Allure Cosmetics, Blaine Dunhill!”
“No, we're doing the show,” Daniel assured the producer. He looked at me and said, “We'll do the happy couple thing one last time.”
“And now, here they are, Robby and Rhonda!” The announcer dragged out the last syllable of Rhonda's name as if he was waiting for his doctor to examine his tonsils. I saw Robby and Rhonda bound onto the stage, and the crowd bestowed their approval by cheering wildly.
“Welcome, everyone, welcome!” Robby gushed.
“Thank you so much! You're so sweet!” Rhonda chimed in.
“Oh, my fucking god!” Daniel blurted out after a moment. Although I agreed that the two hosts' opening remarks were excruciatingly saccharine, I didn't understand Daniel's reaction. Daniel glanced at the producer and said, “Robby is Robert
Orso
?”
“It ain't Robert Kennedy,” the producer answered.
“Who's Robert Orso?” I asked.
“The slut who broke up Jeremy and me,” Daniel said.
I took a closer look at Robby. He was reasonably cute, but certainly not in the same league as Daniel or Adam, which made me question Jeremy's judgment.
“I'm confused,” I said. “Do you want me to hit him? Or thank him?”
“Get the nun,” Daniel said to the producer. “I'm not doing an interview with Robert Orso.”
“We have such a great show for you today,” Robby was saying. “Don't we, Rhonda?”
“Bonnie assured me this would be painless,” I said to Daniel.
“We sure do!” Rhonda gushed. “You get to work with the kitchen queen herself, baking those scrumptious cookies! I can't wait to get my hands on them!” The audience applauded madly, as if they, too, were going to get cookies when all was said and done.
Bonnie, alerted by the wild gesturing of the producer, hurried to us, asking, “Is there a problem?”
“Daniel says he's not doing it,” the producer hissed.
“And you,” Robby was prattling to Rhonda, “get to help Sister Mary Michael share her ups and downs with us. Just wait until you hear what she has to say!”
“Not doing what?” Bonnie asked.
“This show,” Daniel said emphatically.
“But first,” Rhonda and Robby both faced the camera, “we have a special treat for you. We're going to spend some time with a couple who's been in and out of the limelight over the past several months. You might know half of this supercouple as Angus Remington, from our network's hit daytime drama,
Secret Splendor
.”
“That's right, Rhonda. Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend, Daniel Stephenson!”
Daniel opened his mouth as if to protest, but Bonnie gave him a shove that propelled him onto the stage. He had no choice but to smile at the applauding audience, and I had no choice but to follow him.
“His partner,” Rhonda continued, “is less recognizable to most of us, although with a face like his, I'm not sure why we haven't seen him somewhere before! The man who stains the lips of lesbians everywhere, Blaine Dunhill, the creative genius behind Zodiac cosmetics!”
I grinned stupidly when the audience greeted me. Robby and Rhonda led us to armchairs that sat perpendicular to theirs.
As the applause dwindled, Robby reached over and put a hand on Daniel's knee, playfully shaking his leg back and forth and saying, “So how are you? It's been so long!”
“Great, thanks,” I heard Daniel say in a faraway voice.
“Hi, Blaine,” Rhonda said. “How did you two meet anyway?”
“He saw me in the window, and he just had to have me,” I said. The audience laughed and clapped, and our hosts joined them. “Seriously,” I continued, since I could see that Daniel was still rattled by seeing Robby, “we met as neighbors and slowly got to know each other over time. It's been great seeing Daniel go from performing on small stages to becoming a successful actor on daytime television with an audience of millions. I'm so proud of him.”
As the audience applauded, I leaned over, kissed Daniel on the cheek, and whispered, “Score one for the home team.”
I could tell Robby had understood my dig about his less successful acting career by the way he briefly narrowed his eyes at me, but his voice kept its forced cheerfulness as he said, “You two have really taken the show on the road, huh?”
“We tried to keep the show off the road, but I guess you could say we got forced into the fast lane,” I said, continuing to field the questions.
“We tried to keep our private lives quiet,” Daniel explained, having pulled himself together. “This is Blaine's first foray into public life, so it's been an adjustment. We really are just a couple of ordinary guys who live an ordinary life. Part of our intention in going public with our relationship was to show just that.”
“Ordinary? I'd say after the research we've done for this show, there isn't anyone who'd call your lives ordinary!” Rhonda said. Robby looked at her, flashing a smile that would make the queen from
Snow White
jealous. Daniel and I exchanged a nervous look through ever-smiling faces.
“What Rhonda means to say is that we have a little surprise for you. A couple of surprises, really. We know you've been interviewed, taped, questioned, and quoted into a stupor, so we wanted to do something a little different today. You know how it's been, and we've seen the interviews. Fresh young reporters asking hard-hitting questions, trying to pin you down and make you crack so you'll spill the beansâ”
“Mixed metaphor, anyone?” Daniel asked. The audience laughed.
Robby continued, “We wanted to do something different. We didn't want to ask hard-hitting questions.”
“Good.” I breathed a little easier.
“Yes. We saw this as an opportunity to do some good,” Robby said.
“That's been our goal all along, too,” Daniel said.
“So many interviews have focused on the two of you that we thought we'd shed some light on the other people in your life. Certainly the support of those around you has helped you to be as safe and secure as you are today, right?” Rhonda asked.
Suddenly I felt as “safe and secure” as a tightrope walker. I was distracted for a moment, thinking of Zodiac's future Aries ad. Sheila . . . on a tightrope . . .
“We thought we might share the stage with some of your closest friends,” Robby interrupted my thoughts. “Let's bring out the first of our guests, Martin Blount!”
I nearly had a stroke and looked at Daniel, who shrugged helplessly. Martin ran from the backstage area with the enthusiasm of the Kool-Aid Man after being named an honorary citizen of Nebraska. He waved to the applauding audience with a maniacal grin on his face. He bent to hug Daniel, but merely smiled at me from a safe distance.
“Martin, welcome! It's no secret to a lot of our viewers that before Daniel assumed the role of Angus Remington, the two of you shared a spotlight. Tell us a little about what that was like,” Robby baited him.
“Whatever he says, it isn't true,” Daniel said with a smile. I knew that he was trying to signal Martin that this should be a nice interview, not a bitchy one, but I didn't have much faith in Daniel's ability to tone him down.
“Oh, you,” Martin said. “We did share a stage, but rarely a spotlight. Daniel was the star. When he performed as Princess 2Di4, and I performed a myriad of characters at Club Chaos, there was no one who could hold a candle to him.” I glanced at Daniel, who gave me a
See?
look, as if to remind me that Martin wasn't always an evil bitch. Then Martin added, “He was practically shellacked in hairspray, Robert! The fire hazard was far too great!”
I smiled sweetly at Daniel, who pretended not to see me when he said, “Martin is too modest. It was a pleasure to work with him, and I always look back fondly on that time in my life. Martin and I have had our ups and downsâ”
“Like the bipolar lesbian nun!” Martin said.
“âbut we remain close to this day,” Daniel finished.
The four of them continued to exchange quips. I was grateful that I didn't have to say much of anything, and I started to relax again, until Rhonda said, “We don't want you two to feel like you're on an episode of
This Is Your Life,
but we do have another surprise for you. Ladies and gentlemen, an argument for the gay gene theory, Daniel's sister, Gwendy Stephenson!”
“And her girlfriend, Gretchen Schmidt,” Robby added.
Daniel and I both went slack-jawed as the curtains on the side of the set parted briefly and Gwendy and Gretchen came out. After exchanging a bewildered look, we plastered smiles on our faces and stood as they approached, clapping like trained seals. Gretchen hugged me, and Gwendy hugged Daniel. We both asked, at the same time, through locked jaws, “What are you doing here?”
Gretchen patted me on the back and whispered, “Don't worry; we've got it under control.”
“We'll be back after this message from Deity's Narcissus, the new fragrance by Lillith Allure!” Robby exclaimed.
Someone shouted, “We're off!” Robby and Rhonda left us without a word and retreated behind the curtains. I turned around, looking in every direction for Lillith, but Violet was standing alone. When she saw my frantic expression, she grabbed a pitcher of water and hurried to join us.
“You're all wearing microphones,” Violet spoke quietly. “Somebody drink water, so I don't look like an idiot.” Daniel and I both gulped down a glass, while Gretchen and Gwendy watched with amused expressions. “Never send a man to do a woman's job. For the rest of the show, the two of you need toâ”
“Fasten your seat belts,” Gretchen finished with a Bette Davis impression so bad that Martin and Daniel flinched.
“What the hell is going on here?” I whispered.
Gretchen smiled, gazing out at the spectators, and said, “This is only live for the studio audience. Trust me, when we're finished, this tape won't be shown in Manhattan or anywhere else.”
Gwendy pretended to accidentally disconnect her tiny microphone. As it fell to the floor and a couple of techs headed our way, she quickly said, “While the two of you can do nothing but piss and moan, thanks to being alerted by Violet, the rest of us have been doing research and gathering reinforcements. It's time to kick some butt.”
“The rest of you?” Daniel voiced my thought.
Gretchen looked adoringly at me and said, “Laugh like I said something funny so nobody catches on.”
We all threw back our heads and roared with laughter. Robby and Rhonda came back and sat down, and Violet retreated to the wings.
“Isn't this fun?” Rhonda squealed.
“I can't remember having a better time,” I answered.
“Well, there was that timeâ” Martin started, but stopped when I locked gazes with him.
“All right, folks,” the producer said, “we're back on in three,” then used his fingers to show
two, one,
then pointed to Robby and Rhonda.
After a brief reintroduction by Robby, our hosts asked Daniel and Gwendy questions about growing up in Wisconsin, a conversation that thankfully excluded me. I certainly didn't want to talk about my family, especially after all the plugs Gwendy was making for PFLAG.
I began to feel calm again, only half listening while Gwendy talked, then I glanced at Daniel when he shifted in his chair. He was looking at me, so I stared back, wondering if he was trying to send some silent communication my way. After a few seconds, I realized I was feeling it againâthat giddy sense of euphoria that watching him sometimes gave me. The corners of my mouth turned up slightly. His expression became softer, even happy, and the only thing I could think about was how much I loved him, even after our tumultuous year apart.
I wanted to give in to my impulse to reach for him. No one but our friends would be surprised. Everyone else already thought we were a couple. But my attention was diverted when I heard Robby say, “Gretchen, you look like you've had an exciting year! When are you due?”
I swallowed hard and felt my protective instincts well up inside me in spite of the fact that Gretchen seemed to have the situation under control. She radiated serenity as she answered, “Next week.”
“We hear so much about couples in your situation choosing to have children. I think it's just wonderful,” Rhonda said. “Did you use artificial insemination?”
Daniel had already stopped looking at me, and at that question, his face went blank.
“I sure did. I've been very fortunate through this whole process. I have friends who support me, and Gwendy to help indulge my late-night cravings.”
“Er, cravings?” Robby asked, looking a little nonplused by Gretchen's suggestive expression.
“Yes. I have a voracious appetite forâ”
“Cookies warm from the oven,” Gwendy said. “When do we get to meet Mrs. Fields?”
“We're having so much fun, I'm not sure we'll have time for our other guests,” Rhonda said.
Martin looked crestfallen and asked, “Not even the bipolar lesbian nun? I used to perform as Sister Mary Amanda Prophet, and I'd hopedâ”