“Yes,” Daniel said, finally looking happier, and my heart sank. He couldn't possibly resist a top-floor apartment that would accommodate a garden.
While we waited for the elevator, Kyle and Daniel told me about the history of the building and its friendly co-op board. Listening to them, it dawned on me that Daniel's celebrity had been a drawback with some of the boards in other buildings. Apparently, it wasn't a problem here. Kyle dropped the names of a few other famous residents, and Daniel mentioned a Hollywood couple waiting for renovations to be completed on the third floor, where two apartments were being combined to give them the space they wanted.
“This may be a mess,” Kyle warned as he put the key in the lock. “I know the owner is having stuff put in storage, and movers have been getting the rest of it ready to ship. His urgency works to the advantage of the buyer, though.”
When he let us in and turned on the lights, I heard Daniel catch his breath. I looked around with understanding. Although the layout was basically the same as the other apartment, the blue walls emphasized that color in the beautiful Oriental rugs. The artwork, the books on the shelves, and the furniture showed what the other apartment could become once it was occupied.
The single bathroom and small study allowed the master bedroom to remain spacious in spite of the terrace that it accessed. I could tell by Daniel's expression that he loved everything about the apartment. While he and Kyle talked, I stepped onto the terrace, bracing myself against the freezing wind. I looked at the view, which wasn't bad, since Hell's Kitchen residents were known to voraciously fight high-rise development in the area.
When I finally went back inside, Kyle was gone. Daniel gave me a measuring look and said, “What do you think?”
“It's great,” I said quietly.
“I could definitely see myself here,” he said. He walked past me to step outside, so I returned to the terrace with him. “I can't believe how big this space is. I think I could even use my fountain, don't you?”
“It would probably fit over there,” I said. “Your garden will be flourishing again in no time.”
“I've even seen people glass in their terraces,” Daniel said. “I'd have to check into the building codesâ”
“I'm kind of hungry,” I said sharply. “I probably should take off.”
“How's Ethan?” Daniel asked.
“He's fine,” I said, trying to figure out where that question came from. After a few seconds of awkward silence, the reason for Daniel's question flooded me with warmth, in spite of the freezing air. Choosing my words with care, I said, “He's like anyone who's falling in love. Absentminded. Romantic. Obsessed with sex.”
“You don't have toâ”
“He even sends flowers. He calls two or three times a day. He's like a teenager in love for the first time.”
“How do you feel about that?” Daniel asked.
“I think it's great,” I said. “You don't seem very happy about it.” He pushed past me and went inside, but before he could go anywhere, I caught up with him, grabbing him and turning him around. “You're not walking out on me again, Daniel.”
“I wasn't leaving. It's too cold to talk out there.” After a few seconds, he added, “I just let down all my defenses with you, so I'm feeling a little fragile. I don't want to hear about how happy you are, okay?”
“Would you rather hear how unhappy I am?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“I just endured the most miserable year of my life, but there were a few high points. Leaving Breslin Evans Fox and Dean to work for Frank at Lillith Allure. Sheila's wedding. My nephew coming to live with me. Gretchen's pregnancy and Emily's birth. And watching Ethan and Gavin fall in love with each other.”
He thought that over, then said, “You were just tormenting me?”
“Sort of like you were tormenting me with your plans to move into a great new apartment.”
He wrapped his arms so tightly around me that I couldn't move my own arms from my sides. We leaned into each other, and I inhaled deeply.
“You smell like smoke,” I complained.
“Let me do this, so you can get the other one out of the way,” he said, then kissed me hungrily.
When he finally broke away, I said, “And you taste like an ashtray.”
“That's the one,” he said and kissed me again. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. Can we please go back to your place?”
“Here and now,” he said. “Not later. Right now.”
When he started undressing me, I felt a momentary qualm about being in some stranger's bedroom, using a bed that was stripped of sheets and pillows. Then it started seeming hot in a forbidden way. In any case, I knew better than to stop him. I understood that he wanted to take back some of the control he felt he'd lost when he allowed himself to cry in front of me. If the power games we played were unnecessary, even foolish, they were our games, and I was tired of being sidelined. He was mine. I was his. That was the way it was supposed to be, however flawed and infuriating it could get.
Making love equaled things out, and afterward we lay on the bare mattress, staring at each other and trying to breathe.
“It was the most miserable year of my life, too,” Daniel finally said.
“It's over.”
“I hope so.” Neither of us spoke for a while, until he said, “I'm sorry, too. For shutting you out and letting you feel guilty about everything. You didn't force me into the couple farce, Blaine. I thought if we spent time together, I could get you back.”
“You never lost me,” I said. “No matter how hard you tried.”
“It's too bad neither of us had the guts to admit what we wanted, isn't it? We wasted a lot of time.”
“At least we finished that fight that was started over a year ago.”
“I do all the wrong things when we fight,” Daniel said. “I dredge up the past. I say things I don't mean. I get defensive.”
“And you walk away before the fight is finished,” I reminded him.
“You can't resist pointing out my shortcomings, can you?” Daniel asked.
“No. I never learned how to fight, either.”
“I know. Even when I felt sorry for myself, what made me feel worse was what I'd done to you. I couldn't forget the lonely boy you used to be. How you trusted me to love you and make a home with you. Every day I wanted to take back the angry things I said to you.”
“At least you cared enough to fight. All I ever got from my family was silence.”
Daniel smiled and said, “Yeah, you can't say I never yelled at you.”
“Except on Sheila's wedding day.”
“Are you still looking for punishment for kissing Adam? Who wouldn't, given the chance? Besides, it was such an obvious ploy to irritate me and grab the attention from Martin.”
“Let's not bring him into this, please,” I said. “I wasn't talking about the kiss.”
“The baby?” Daniel asked. “If you couldn't tell that pissed me off, even without me sticking around to scream at youâ”
“Before you found out about the baby. In our room. If you'd told me that
you'd
been seeing other guys and having sex, I'd have gone off the deep end. I'd have wrung every detail out of you, and made you tell me, one by one, all the ways they didn't measure up to me. But you said you didn't care.”
“I never said I didn't care,” Daniel argued. “I said I
understood.
I didn't want any details because I'm different from you. When I found out about Ethan, when I had a name and face, that's when it became torture for me.”
“Torture?” I asked.
“Yes, and you've had enough fun with that for one night. Blaine, you couldn't have been unaware of my feelings. Even the night we broke up, I never said I didn't love you. Before the wedding, the few times we talked or saw each other, I was floating. But that weekend, you got surly about Martin. I got blown away by Gretchen's news. All I needed was some time until I could remember why I trusted you. Then all that other stuff got in the way.”
“I know. The night we fought outside Gretchen's building, I finally tore up my mental list of grievances. When you made me see things through your eyes, I couldn't find a single reason why you should want me back. I agreed to do that stupid
Robby and Rhonda Show
because I thought it might give me one last chance to let you know how sorry I was.”
“Believe it or not, I was happy that day,” Daniel said. “When the women in our lives transformed themselves into our avengers, I realized none of that other stuff mattered. Sydney, Lola, the publicity. It started being funny. Especially when you turned gay.”
“When I
what?
”
“You and Gwendy and Martin were like a comedy team. It made me realize how things could be if we'd both swallow our pride and stop being pissed off at each other and everybody else.”
We lay quietly for a while until I said, “If you were ready, what kept you away after Emily was born?”
“Ethan,” he said. “I thoughtâ”
“Never even close,” I said. “Ethan is a good friend. I hope you can deal with that.”
“It's only fair. You dealt with Jeremy.”
“Jeremy's all right. Martin's the problem.”
“I wish you'd make peace with him. He had no idea what Robert was planning. He only agreed to be on
The Robby and Rhonda Show
because Gretchen told him to. You have the wrong idea about Martin. When Blythe's father and I started the town house negotiations, Martin was like a little kid, anticipating how happy you were going to be when we got our own place. He drove me crazy, calling me every day to ask if you knew yet. When he told you about Mrs. Lazenby and Blythe's move, he wasn't taunting you. He was trying to force me to tell you because he couldn't wait. He was mad at me after you and I broke up. He couldn't believe I let it turn out that way.”
“All right,” I said. “Martin is not Satan in a silk dress. I get it.”
“After we broke up, you shut everybody out. They all came down on me. If I had to hear the words âpoor Blaine' one more timeâ”
“Are you joking? I thought everybody blamed me.”
“Hell no,” he said. “I thought I was going to have to befriend that coke-snorting bimbo Jane-Therese. That's how bad it got.”
“Poor Daniel,” I said helpfully, and he narrowed his eyes at me. “But you had Sheila.”
“She was my rock. I know that caused problems between the two of you, but I honestly don't know what I'd have done without her.”
“I guess that was fair, too,” I said, “since I took Gretchen.”
“Yeah, at least I didn't knock Sheila up.”
“He can make jokes about it now!” I said, and he laughed. I pulled him to me, running my face over his shoulder until I buried it in his neck, inhaling him. Finally I surfaced to say, “I love you in ways and places that defy rational thought. All I want in return is everything.”
“Funny, I happen to have everything.” He looked around. “Possibly even a new apartment.”
“There's not enough room here,” I argued. “You're not moving anywhere without me, and I need more space. For Gavin, Nick, and a nursery.”
“I'm sure as hell not living in Connecticut,” Daniel said. “While you were moping on the terrace, I pitched an idea to Kyle. What if I bought both places and combined them into one, like that Hollywood couple? We could have stairs put in. Kyle said he'd present it to the co-op board. But if not here, we could do it somewhere else.”
“Sounds expensive,” I said.
“You have no idea how much I got when I sold the town house,” Daniel said.
“Really? I always wanted a rich boyfriend.”
“Me, too. You can take care of things like maintenance fees, real estate taxesâ”
“Or renovation costs,” I said, catching his enthusiasm. “It could work. You and me up here. The study turned into a nursery. This dining room could be office space. Gavin's and Nick's rooms would be downstairs, and we could use that kitchen and dining room for family meals. We'd all have room and privacy.”
“See how smoothly things go when you let me have my way?” he asked.
I smiled and wrapped my arms around him again, regretful that we'd had only one condom between us. I dreaded the thought of going back into the cold night and wished this was already our apartment.
“Wait a minute,” I said. “If you thought Ethan and I were a couple, why were you asking Kyle about combining two apartments?”
Daniel propped himself on one arm and stared into my eyes, saying, “Because I intended to fight for you. I figured once the luster wore off your new relationship, you'd realize that with Ethan, you get a man who spouts New Age garbage, kisses Bonnie's ass, and would never tolerate your temper and possessiveness. Whereas with me, you getâ”
“A man with a big . . . apartment?”
“A man who never had sex with Martin Blount,” he said and laughed when I grimaced.
I kissed him hard and said,
“Now
can we go to your place?”
“I'm finally warm,” he protested.
“I'll get you warm again,” I promised.
“I love it when you're insatiable.”
We left the keys to both apartments with the concierge and picked up food on our way. While Daniel was in his kitchen getting everything ready, I called Gavin to tell him that I'd be spending the night away and to ask him to take care of a few things for me. After I talked to Nick, I called Violet at home.