He sees the dawning of this knowledge on my face. He knows what I’m about to do, and lunges at me. With the gun aimed at his heart, I pull the trigger. He stumbles back, his face expressing absolute disbelief. He doesn’t say anything; he just falls to his knees and lowers himself gently backwards, with his hands supporting his weight in the shallow puddles of rain. His body makes a peaceful sound as his back makes contact with the watery ground, as though he’s immersing himself in a temperature-perfect bath. I stand over him. It’s then that the orange comes and bleeds into the scene so that it saturates everything. I’m taken back to the day that I first met Bruce, at Nanna’s house, when I was four years old. It’s that same orange. I wish I’d never seen Nanna dead that day. I wasn’t ready for that.
‘Bruce.’ I don’t know what else to say.
He sniggers. ‘I always knew you’d beat me in the end. You’re a tough nut.’ His clothing flattens and his body fades. I’m left staring at a puddle, which is being pounded by the pouring rain. The orange fades away.
Instantly, there’s movement around me. The gun is taken from my hand. I catch blurry images of Mum and Father Ryan. They look distressed, as though they’ve just witnessed a catastrophic event. Their mouths are open wide, moving in slow motion. I think that I start laughing but I can’t be sure. I turn and run and I keep on running in no particular direction, just away from them.
I smell grass and dirt. The earth. It’s rich and pleasant, but it throws me. Where am I? I cautiously open an eye and raise myself up off the ground. I realise that I must’ve spent the night in Apex Park, underneath the adventure playground. At least it’s fairly private and not visible from the road. There’s a good chance that no one has seen me here.
I remember last night. It all comes back to me. I remember sitting here, sheltered from the rain, contemplating the gravity of my actions. I felt safe under the playground, knowing that I wouldn’t be approached by anyone in the storm. I revelled in the smell of the rain and the musty earth. I felt alive and I got a charge out of the thought of my uncertain future. I felt like a renegade living on the edge, like John McClane in
Die Hard
, though I knew that was a slightly mismatched comparison. I felt that my reality was very different to the comfortable realities of the people in the surrounding houses. I almost went to see Rhonda so that she could help me make sense of the situation, but I decided that wouldn’t be such a good move. She never knew about Bruce. It would certainly take some explaining. I didn’t want to go there. Who could possibly understand? I’d rather just put Bruce behind me and move on. Just my thoughts and me.
Just me. The idea brings a smile to my face. I can handle that. I can handle being free. But, still, in the light of day, the possible consequences of last night have me worried. What will become of me? Will Mum and Father Ryan press charges? Will I be sent to jail for firing a .22 on private property right in the centre of town? Will the police be waiting at my house to drag me away, lock me up and throw away the key?
I emerge from the shelter of the playground and brush myself down. I wash my face at the drinking fountain and clean my armpits. I wish that I carried a comb in my back pocket. That would come in handy right now. But the dishevelled look, from what I hear, is something that girls dig. So a visit to Rhonda in my current state isn’t out of the question.
I approach her house on the corner. It looks like a fortress. There are no signs of life. I’m considering turning around and abandoning the whole idea, when the flywire door swings open. Rhonda comes out in her pyjamas. She’s eating toast. She takes a seat on the bench by the front door. I suddenly feel famished. She sees me, and stares at me like I’m a stranger. It feels like an eternity before she waves me over.
I walk up the wooden steps to the veranda and join Rhonda on the bench. She continues munching on her toast.
‘You look like hell. What did you do last night?’
‘I spent the night in Apex Park.’
‘Why?’
‘I did something stupid.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I took a rifle from our house and I fired off a shot in town.’
‘You did
what
?’
‘It’s hard to explain.’
‘You
need
to explain it! Why would you do such a thing? Is it because I hung up on you? Is that why you did it?’
‘No. I didn’t do it because you hung up on me. Well, that was the start of things. Everything pretty much fell apart from there.’
‘You really were a pig on the phone, Stan.’
‘What?’
‘I told you that I wasn’t pregnant. It meant so much to me. My life doesn’t have to be screwed up. I don’t have to deal with being a teenage mum. And all you could manage to say was “Good for you”. That really hurt. I didn’t expect it from you. And now, I don’t even know if I understand who you are anymore. We’ve been through so much together and all you can manage is “Good for you”.’
‘Rhonda, I’m sorry.’ I reach for her hand but she pulls it away. ‘My family told me I was going to burn in hell over what we’d done and it really, really pissed me off.’
‘So you grab a gun and go shooting in town? Is that how you cope with difficult situations?’
‘No. It wasn’t like that. You don’t understand.’
‘You’re right. I don’t understand, and, right now, that’s the way I want to keep it. I don’t want to see you for a while. I need some time to figure things out.’ Rhonda gets up.
‘Can’t we talk about this some more?’ I plead.
‘Not now.’
‘Don’t do this. Don’t shut me out. I love you, Rhonda.’
‘Stan, we’re fifteen. We’re just kids! I didn’t mean for this to get so out of hand.’
I watch as the flywire door closes behind Rhonda, concealing her from me. She’s back inside her fortress and I have no way of reaching her.
There it is. The house on top of the hill. Our house. Never before has it looked so remote, so unapproachable. I slowly make my way across the park, dreading the reception that awaits me. I wonder if they’ll throw me out or if they’ll take me to the police station. I cross the road and walk into the backyard. I’m surprised to see that the golf buggy is back in the shed. How did that happen? Who drove it home? I hesitate. I’m scared about going inside and facing the music. I don’t know what’s in store for me, but the not knowing is rapidly wearing me out. I’d rather just deal with the consequences. Maybe they’ll just tell me once again that I’m going to burn in hell. That’d be OK.
I open the sliding door. Mum is seated at the table, nursing a coffee.
‘Mum? Where’s Dad?’
‘He’s taken the girls out for breakfast.’
‘Oh.’
‘Where did you sleep last night?’
‘In Apex Park.’
‘Well, go and have a shower. Then we’ll have a nice long talk. OK?’
‘OK.’
I can see that Mum is upset and worn out. She looks like she’s had just as rough a night as I did. I wonder if she’s spoken with Dad about things. She must have. He never takes the girls out for breakfast.
I get in the shower and let the water wash away the film of perspiration and dirt that covers my body. But I don’t feel clean. My mind feels like a filing system that’s been messed up. Everything is all over the place. Nothing is in order. I have a headache from the chaos.
Why was Rhonda so unreasonable? We had it all. We were in love and our world was exciting and unique and full of wonder. But with the loss of a player, that world ceases to exist. I’m once again back in a small town with ordinary streets and familiar pathways. The poetry of the place has gone.
Mum and I drive down to the bakery. She hands me some cash. ‘Get whatever you want.’ She stays in the car. She looks so different – defeated.
We drive to the weir and I devour a pie on the way. Even though my world has been shattered, the pie tastes incredible and I relish every bite. As well as that, the serenity of the surrounding landscape comforts me and I’m pleased that the beauty of nature can still move me. I think to myself that even at your lowest low, nature is a constant.
Mum brings the car to a stop and we get out. There’s no one else at the weir. There are no guys here that Mike could perve at. The place is still, and the birds are singing. We sit at one of the picnic tables, both of us on the same seat so that we can look out across the still body of water to the hills that rise up in the background, enclosing the scene. It looks like a painting, but the cows on the hills, which appear as moving blobs in the distance, shatter the perception.
Mum clears her throat. ‘I don’t really know where to start. But first of all, I want to assure you that I did not have sex with Father Ryan, Stan. We did not cross that line. And I want to thank you for that. I was so shocked to see you down there.’ She starts crying. ‘It hit me hard … how shameless I’ve been. How stupid and weak. I was overcome by feelings of lust, feelings that I haven’t felt for a long, long time. I felt like a teenager again. Isn’t that silly?’ Mum pauses, shaking her head, probably contemplating how she got swept away before she even realised what was happening. ‘But when I saw you last night, with a gun in your hand, my behaviour – my
appalling
behaviour – became so clear to me. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of letting your dad down. Your beautiful dad. How could I have been so reckless? I could have thrown everything away. Everything! But thankfully, your dad is very understanding. He’s a good man, Stan. And he’s not stupid either. He could see the change in me. Obviously. I’ve been carrying on like a stupid teenager. No offence.’ Mum ruffles my hair and smiles at me. ‘But if it weren’t for you, if it weren’t for last night, things could have gone down a very bad path that would be impossible to turn back from. I’m just so thankful now that it has stopped before it was too late.’
‘What happened after I ran off?’
‘We went back inside out of the rain and talked. We saw that our selfish motivations were affecting others. And I know it’s not rocket science. We always knew that, of course. It’s just that you turn a blind eye to it when you’re caught up in the situation. You find excuses and start lying to yourself so that you can continue being selfish. You delude yourself. But seeing you with a gun in your hand, Stan … that was something that couldn’t be ignored. I want to give you some advice, Stan. When you grow up and when you’re married you’ll be tempted to be unfaithful. That’s natural. We’re human beings. But, as strong as the urge may be, you’ve got to fight it. You’ve got to stay strong. You know how it feels now, as a teenager, when you’re attracted to someone. Well, sometimes people live their lives chasing that fleeting feeling again and again. And at the end of it all, they’re the loneliest people in the world. So my advice to you is, when you’re older, find someone you really love and stick with them. And when those temptations arise, be strong and push them away. I should have done that. I came so close to losing your father.’
‘Does Dad know?’
‘Yes. I told him everything. I had to. I couldn’t live with the lie any longer. He was so incredibly understanding!’ Mum cries a little and tries to control her emotion so that she can continue speaking. ‘We even went back to town together and picked up the buggy. He was so good to me. He forgave me. He said he hadn’t been the most attentive husband or the most attentive father. It broke my heart that he could find forgiveness within himself that easily. He’s amazing, really.’
‘Wow.’
‘Yes, wow. So here we are. I wanted to say I’m sorry, Stan. I know this must have been hard for you. You’ve been through so much. But don’t think that I’m not still angry at you and your girlfriend.’
‘I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. She broke up with me.’
‘When did that happen?’
‘This morning. I told her about firing the gun. I didn’t tell her
why
I did it. But she thinks it was a bit extreme. She doesn’t want to be with someone that … unstable.’
‘Well, I’m sure she’ll come around when she knows your reasons.’
‘I’m not so sure. I think she’s made up her mind. But that’s OK. So I’m not going to go to gaol then, Mum, for firing a gun in town?’
‘No. You’re not going to go to gaol. But don’t you ever do something so foolish again! Guns are not toys. Guns can kill.’
‘I know. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.’ It really won’t. Bruce is out of my life for good.
‘Stan, I want you to know that I realise I’m going to have to work at regaining the family’s trust, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes, for however long it takes to get there. But I want you to work hard at making things work too. I know you’re a teenager and that it’s quite natural to distance yourself from us at your age, but I do want you to try and involve yourself just a bit more. And if that means that we need to make some compromises, then so be it. If you don’t want to go to church anymore, that’s OK. We’ve got to face up to the realities of life more.’
‘I don’t have to go to church anymore? Really?’
‘Really. But you’ve got to work on being a little more involved with the family. We all do.’
‘We’ll get there, Mum. I think everything’s going to be OK. And I’m glad that you’re back. I’ve really missed you.’
Mum starts crying and I put my arm around her. We sit for some time. I watch the blobs moving on the hill. It’s nice being this close to Mum. Our home – this town – is small, sure, but it’s not so bad. It’s not so bad after all.
In the days that follow, my mind is occupied by thoughts of Rhonda to such an extent that I feel something bordering on physical pain. Thoughts course through my brain like a ballerina doing pirouettes at a dizzying speed. I’d so like the ballerina to slow down. It would be better if she could perhaps do some pointe work and then rest, do some more pointe work and then rest again. But she continues to pirouette tirelessly, with the point of her toe drilling into my brain. Is this why they say that love is pain?
I see Rhonda in English. The chair next to her is vacant but I don’t go and sit next to her and she doesn’t look up and beckon me to join her, like she would have done in the past. She keeps her head down and pretends to be preoccupied with a book. She is still the most beautiful girl in the world. I can hardly believe that we shared so many intimate moments together. That’s all part of history now. It’s as though those memories have been pushed into a storage room, which is chained and bolted shut with an intimidating ‘Do Not Enter’ sign stuck on the door. I want to plead with her. I want to reason with her. But at the same time, I don’t want to act like some psycho ex-boyfriend and demand that she love me. But how could she fall out of love so easily? You can’t just shut feelings off like a tap, can you? But that’s how it happened for me with Mandy. The light was on and then it was switched off. Maybe the light has been switched off for Rhonda. I’ll give her space and time. Maybe she’ll come round. I’ll dress impeccably. Well, as impeccably as I can get away with at school without looking like a knob. I’ll make sure my fringe hangs at its most seductive angle. I’ll be a bit aloof. I’ll make her want me so badly that she’ll come rushing to find me at lunchtime to pull me into a dark corner and make out with me like there’s no tomorrow. She’ll probably rip some of my clothes off in a fit of desperate passion. Well, I can only hope and dream.