‘We’re leaving.’ The words are said and it’s clear that she wants to hurt me. It’s not fair. After all that we’ve been through, she still wants to hurt me.
‘What?’ I act as if I don’t understand or as if I haven’t heard properly.
‘We’re leaving town. We’ll be gone in a few weeks.’ I feel like screaming or slapping her or something.
‘Well, don’t you have anything to say, Stan?’
I’m angry. ‘What do you want me to say, Rhonda? Thanks for the memories? Thanks for breaking my heart, jumping up and down on it, squishing it into the ground and then spitting on it? Thanks, Rhonda. Thanks for being my girlfriend and thanks for sharing the most amazing moments that I’ve ever experienced. And thanks for then acting like I don’t even exist. Thanks, Rhonda.’
‘You’re so juvenile and you’re so stupid!’
‘And on top of everything, I’m stupid too!’
‘You jerk. You think I’ve kept my distance from you because I wanted to? You’re an idiot! I kept my distance from you so that it would be easier for me to leave. I did it for myself. Anyway, I can see that you’ve quite comfortably moved on.’ She motions back to where I was sitting with Mandy. ‘How do you think that makes me feel? It’s like you think nothing ever happened. And, for some reason, I didn’t expect that of you.’
‘I’m not like that. I’m not interested in
her
.’ I reach out to her, but she moves away.
‘It doesn’t matter anymore, does it? I’m leaving. You’ll go on with your life and I’ll go on with mine. I did have silly thoughts about us meeting up at some stage. You know, when we’re seventeen or eighteen and a bit more independent. It’s so stupid.’
‘It’s not stupid at all. I can wait till then.’
‘But that’s the point. I don’t want you to wait. I don’t want us to be a burden on each other.’
‘You would never be a burden on me.’
‘Well, you say that now. But let’s not kid ourselves. It can’t work. We’re at that age. We have this in-built mechanism that allows us to pick up and move on. And we’re like that for a reason – we’re like that for times like these.’
I huff and kick at the love grass that’s moving gently in the breeze. I kick out again, angry at its easy-breezy existence and our heart-breaking reality.
‘Well, can’t we just make out a little then?’
Rhonda laughs and I laugh too. We don’t make out, but that’s OK. We’re laughing together. But the gravity of the situation hits me. She will be gone. I will probably never see her again.
‘Why are you leaving?’
‘Well … after what happened … Mum thought it would be a good idea to move on.’
‘You’re leaving because of me?’
‘No, it’s not just because of that. It’s other things too. Mum didn’t think it would be as hard as it has been to fit in. But there’s not much going on and I think she probably needs a bit more support. People here are very settled in their friendships and it’s hard to break through.’
‘I can’t believe you’re going … it sucks.’
Rhonda takes my hand. Our fingers fit together so well. ‘You’ll be fine, Stan. You’re stronger than you think. I’m the one you should be worried about.’
‘Look at you. You’re beautiful. You’ll meet Prince Charming in your next school and I’ll be a fading memory.’
‘You won’t ever be a fading memory.’ Rhonda squeezes my hand. ‘Don’t forget me. If we want to find each other in the future, we will.’
‘Sure.’ I’m not convinced though. We walk back to the lawn. Will this be the last time we walk side by side? ‘Don’t say goodbye. Let’s just walk away and pretend this isn’t goodbye.’
‘OK.’ She takes a big breath. ‘See you around.’ She turns to walk away, but I have her hand and I don’t let it go. Our eyes meet and then I finally release her. She walks away.
I use all my strength to hold back the tears.
Mike approaches me from behind. He places a calm, steady hand on my back. ‘You OK, buddy?’
‘Yeah. I’m OK.’ I head off to my next class.
After school, Mike, Blake, Steve and Jeremy are waiting outside.
‘We’re gonna meet Mandy and Susan in town and we’re gonna ride the mystery train. Wanna come?’ Jeremy says. Despite my sadness, this obvious show of support brings a smile to my face.
‘Why not? What else am I gonna do?’
‘Well, nothing, I guess. So you may as well come.’
I love it when friends are there for you. I love it when they come and surround you and give you support. Relationships are what this world is all about. If there’s a meaning to life, surely it’s in the relationships we have with others.
‘So, what’s aboard the mystery train this time, Jeremy?’
‘Oh, you know. Liquor of varying types – wine, Bundy, tequila. The usual hotchpotch that will turn your stomach into a cesspool of toxicity.’
‘Sounds great.’
Mike pats me on the back and then walks ahead with Blake. Blake turns and offers me a sympathetic smile. I don’t know if it’s for what’s happened with Rhonda or for the toxic cesspool that is yet to form in my stomach. Steve and Jeremy fall into step beside me.
‘So Rhonda’s leaving town, huh?’ says Steve.
‘How did you guys find out?’
‘Mike overheard you two saying something about goodbye, so he went and spoke with Rhonda about it. He was really worried about you.’
‘What did she say?’
‘She confirmed she’s leaving and that she’d just told you. Mike said that she’s pretty cut up too.’
‘Yeah. She’s leaving.’
‘Well, I suggest you let yourself get a bit distracted, if you know what I mean.’
‘A bit distracted?’
‘Stan, you’d practically forgotten about her anyway. You had your hands in Mandy’s hair earlier on and it looked to me like you were seriously enjoying yourself.’
‘You don’t get it, Steve. Mandy is no substitute for Rhonda. Rhonda was one of a kind. She had this
thing
… you know.’ I put my hands out in front of me like I’m holding a globe of the earth, but I can’t find the words that would do Rhonda justice. How do you explain to others how much someone means to you?
‘So, are you guys gonna see each other again, do you think?’ Jeremy asks.
‘I doubt it. I think she’ll move away and that’ll be it.’
‘Well, if I were you, I’d just drink myself silly. It helps.’
‘It doesn’t help, Jeremy. It makes things worse. But just for tonight, I’m going to trust in you and ride that mystery train.’
We reach the football oval in town. Steve and Jeremy heft me up by grabbing a leg each; we race along the grass to the middle of the oval where the others have formed a small circle. Mandy, Susan, Blake and Mike are drinking from plastic cups.
‘Well, it’s about time, you guys. What took you so long?’ Mandy hands us each a cup and displays the drinks on offer. I go for tequila. It’s an easy decision. It tastes bloody awful, but it never disappoints. Tequila knocks you about in a way that other liquors can’t. It leaves you wondering what the hell has happened. And right now, that’s the sort of thing I’m looking for. I want to disengage from reality. I want soar to heights that allow me to act and feel like someone other than myself. I want to run around like an idiot and lose myself under the wide expanse of stars above. I want to feel insignificant. I want to teeter on the cliff edge of reason and then fall into the abyss of irrationality.
We start with the inevitable. Shots. Pretty soon we’re laughing at nothing and rolling around like the subjects of an LSD experiment. Steve is trying to tell us a story, but it’s not making much sense.
‘You did what?’ Jeremy is shocked.
‘I woke up on a rock,’ Steve says very matter-of-factly.
‘You woke up on a rock?’
‘Yeah.’
‘How did you get there?’
‘I teleported.’
‘You teleported. What’s that mean?’
Blake pipes up. ‘It’s when you travel somewhere instantly. You can be transported from one location or dimension to another.’
‘Well, now I’ve heard it all,’ says Jeremy, throwing his hands up in the air. ‘So where was this rock?’
‘You know the rock on our farm that juts out of the hill? You can see it from our rehearsal shed.’
‘Oh, yeah. I know the one.’
‘I woke up on that rock.’
‘Did you go to sleep on the rock?’
‘No, you idiot! I went to sleep in my bed.’
‘Then how did you get to the rock?’
‘I told you – I teleported, man!’
‘You teleported?’
‘Yeah.’
‘That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard, Steve.’
‘Screw you, Jeremy. You have such a limited mind.’
‘So what? I like the simple things in life.’
‘How did it happen, Steve?’ I’m curious.
‘Well, when I went to bed, I pictured the place where I wanted to wake up. I couldn’t do it for ages. But the other day it worked and I woke up on that rock.’
‘But how does your body get from A to B?’
‘It dematerialises and rematerialises.’
‘Are you for real?’
‘Yes. How else did I get to the rock?’
‘Could you have sleepwalked without realising?’
‘I doubt it. I would have had dirt on my feet and stuff.’
‘That’s pretty full on. It’s kind of like
Star Trek
, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah. It’s similar. Apparently, you can even teleport to other countries. Like if you had a girlfriend living in Paris, you could teleport to her.’
‘Wow. And you get idiots out there who spend money on plane tickets. Tsk tsk.’ Jeremy is still not buying it.
‘Well, people don’t accept that it’s possible, do they? They’re limited by their perception of reality.’
‘You guys, come on,’ Mandy pipes up. ‘This is getting way too deep. Can’t we just have some fun? I mean, it’s great and all that you can travel in your sleep, Steve, but enough, please!’
‘You see what I mean, Stan. People don’t want to know, do they?’ Steve says.
‘Apparently not. Apparently girls just want to have fun.’
Steve, Jeremy and I start singing ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun’. Mandy and Susan punch and slap at us playfully.
‘Where are the toilets around here? I really need to go,’ Mandy says.
‘Well, the toilets behind the tuck shop might be open,’ I reply.
‘Can you come with me, Stan? I’m too scared to go on my own.’
‘Yeah, come on. Does anyone else wanna come on this toilet run?’
‘You guys go ahead,’ says Jeremy. I see him wink at the others.
I have trouble getting up. I’m drunker than I thought, and I can feel an unpleasant taste rising up my windpipe. Mandy brings the bottle of tequila with her.
‘What’re you doing with that?’
‘Oh, you never know. We might need to have a shot on the way. It’s a long journey to those toilets.’ And, sure enough, we stop halfway there and have a shot each. Mandy leans into me giggling. ‘You should just forget about her, you know?’
‘Who?’
‘Ms Perfect. Forget her.’
‘It’s hard, Mandy.’
‘I could help you.’
‘How?’
She places her hand on the back of my head and pulls me towards her. I can smell the tequila on her breath. Her tongue is in my mouth, moving around erratically as if searching for some hidden treasure. I start searching her mouth too and we fall on to the grass. I unbutton her shirt, pull her bra back and put my mouth on her breast.
‘Oh, Stan! I didn’t know you were such an animal.’ This statement throws me. I stop what I’m doing and sit back on my knees. I pull Mandy’s clothes back into position. Is this what I’ve become? I’m not an animal.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.’ I get up and pace around. ‘Do you need to go to the toilet? I’ll wait.’ I walk Mandy to the toilets, and, at her insistence, I check every cubicle to make sure no unsavoury character is lurking there in the dark. After Mandy has a very lengthy wee, we make our way back to the group. On the way, Mandy tries to cheer me up.
‘Don’t feel bad about what happened between us back there. It’s OK.’
‘Yeah. Sorry, Mandy. I’m just not in the best headspace right now.’
‘I know. It takes time to get over heartbreak. I should know.’
I put my arm around Mandy, knowing that she understands it’s just a friendly gesture with nothing sexual in it.
We sit back down with the others. I’ve lost my desire to drink and talk. To overcome this, I have three generous shots of tequila in quick succession. The others cheer me on. But it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m ashamed. Even though I’ve drunk myself to the point of inebriation, the disappointment I feel in myself sits at the forefront of my mind.
After a while, I peel myself away from the group, mumbling something about going to take a piss. When I finally reach the edge the oval and I’m confident that the darkness will mask me, I slip under the fence and stagger off down the gravel road and exit the grounds. I’m having trouble walking.
What have I become and why did I stoop so low? The girl I love told me she was leaving town today. She expressed a desire to meet me in the future. And what’s my response to that? To make out like an animal with some girl I don’t even care about. With anger in my heart, I blame Rhonda for what’s happened tonight. She’s abandoning me. That’s the reason why I got rolling drunk and shamelessly pashed my ex-girlfriend. What a hero! Isn’t that exactly the kind of behaviour that I resented in my mother’s episode with the priest? That she threw all caution to the wind and succumbed to lust? I’m no better than her. Is it something that runs in our blood? Are we designed to act like selfish, lustful pathetic excuses for human beings? Well, I want to be better than that. I don’t want to live my life making stupid mistakes.
I know that I’ll never see Rhonda again. She will mature, become even more beautiful and fall in love with some ridiculously good-looking fellow. Good on her. She deserves it. I hope she has a good life; somehow, I know that she will. She’ll be happy and successful – I can feel it and it brings a smile to my face. Perhaps, one day, I’ll pass her on some city street and tilt my hat at her. But I probably won’t be wearing a hat. I’m sure that image surfaced in my mind from the never-ending period dramas that screen on the ABC. This realisation makes me laugh out loud.
It suddenly dawns on me that I’ll be fine. I know I can stand on my own two feet. Bruce is no longer at my side and that alone makes me feel good – that and the fact that my damned stupid nervous twitch has taken a hike too! But he’s gone. Bruce is gone and he’s never coming back. I defeated him. In a weird way, I do miss him. But I’m proud to be confronting the harshness of reality on my own. I don’t know where my life will take me, but I know that wherever I go and whatever I do, I’ll be OK. I’m a daydreamer and that allows me to cope. My dreams allow me to be a little detached from reality. I may be alone on some parts of my journey in life, but I won’t allow myself to be swallowed up by the loneliness. I’ll pick myself up and walk down a road I haven’t walked before. And I’ll recognise the beauty of my everyday surroundings. Not in a conscious, trying way. It will be automatic. I’ll be present in the moment.