In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (15 page)

“Herr Doctor Xen Xum Xng?”

“Ohhhh, my highly advanced works in chemystry allow me great control over many elements. I think I get where you are going, Count Drauchulau, but I am afraid that it is impossible to control the water in such a way as you describe. Another medium must be active. This is something I am afraid is most impossible.”

“Oh, Oye don’t knows about that Dr. Xen Xum Xng. I have been working on a way to make electricity more conducive, that is to say less conductive in her interaction with the elements that make up the fluid. Of course, ye’ll never be able to control the formulation unless you had the right water caster.”

“Ha, ha! Vaugn, two, three, all problems solved, ha, ha!”

A polite round of applause greets our triumphant host.

“I say, my word, but, this does not sound as if a lot of the planet will be happy with this arrangement. The Northern hemisphere will be scorched and the Southern frozen over. Only a thin band of livable land shall survive along the equator. No, I can quite imagine an outpouring of great unhappiness should this catastrophe be allowed to take place, I say, hear, hear.”

“I understand your concern, Miss Plumtartt, however, I am sure the world will learn to adapt. There may be a few fluctuations in the real estate market, but humanity will survive.”

“So this is vhy you started the school in Buenos Aires! Ha, ha! Vee shall never have to fear the coming of dawn again! Incredible! This is such a liberating achievement Herr Count!”

“But them there gyreescopes couldn’t be enough, could they? You’de need more ‘oomph’ on that theoretical cue ball of yours.”

“Perhaps we would, Mr. Temperance. What do you suggest?”

“Well sir, if I had access to a production facility in which size were no limit, I might try to work from off of a resonance echo to increase my inertial outputs.”

“You refer to my theory of ‘Global Nether Psionics’, right Ichabod?”

“Right Professor.”

“And how might you achieve these sympathetic resonant echoes, Herr Temperance?”

“I’d construct me a big ol’ tectonic hammer and use it in a timed and coordinated manner with my giant gyroscopes. That ought to do her.”

“Hah! A Tectonic Hammer! Vhy didn’t we think of that! Thank you so much, Mr. Temperance.”

“Mr. Temperance!”

“Oops! I’m sorry, Miss Plumtartt! Dang it, Count Drauchulau, you better not take my idea and turn it against my own species.”

“I apologize, young man, but I am afraid that I must.”

“Ye’ bae faergettin’ one thing there mae bonnie Count Drauchsey. We’ll nae taern aegaeinst our oown kind.”

“Si, Senor Steele. Though these vampires do possess an admirable nobility, my loyalties are with my planet and my species.”

“Ohhhh. I am so sorry most esteemed noble vampires. I must refuse this most charming of invitations to plunge most of my planet into an apocalypse.”

“Dang right, Count. You can’t expect us to abandon the only world we’ve ever known.”

“Of course not, Icky. Now please, all of you. Looook intooooo my eyessss... Hear me, obey, me...”

“Oob. Aye, Count Drauchsuleiley.”

“Uhb. Si, Senor Count Drauchulau.”

“Ohhhh. Yes, master. I hear and I obey. Ohhhh.”

“Burbity. Check, C. D.”
~thump~
thwock! Sssllllk.

“Hey, c’mon you guys! Quit playin’ around.”

“That’s it, gentlemen. Please continue your trance like stumbling gait all the way out and into the awaiting mechanical ‘Walrus’ transportation sleds. The lurching will cause a terrible whiplash at first if you are not careful, so be prepared.”

“That part of our business is now concluded. I now invite all my undead brethren to join me in a voyage to the bottom of the world to share in this historic achievement. I suggest releasing your retainers to achieve more Northern latitudes as a deep freeze will accompany the deep night. Zones of moderate temperature will extend North and South of the equator for approximately two hundred miles. Beyond this to the North will, unfortunately, become a scorched wasteland, and to the South, a frozen and barren emptiness, but wonderfully dark and free of the Sun’s hated radiations. Your human servants can swoop in now to buy fantastic insider knowledge real estate and then rake up in the cataclysmic aftermath!”

mnk, mnk, mnk
“This is thrilling news! I feel as if I am fortified with eight essential vitamins and minerals! As well as about a cup of sugar.”

“Ha, ha! I count, vaugn, two, three! Three hugs do I give the great Count Drauchulau in this moment of joy and happiness, ha, ha!”

“Hey, Hela! How about be a champ and help me to my feet. EvilEyra is a lot of girl to get vertical and I don’t want to miss the boat!”

“Oi, Vampyra, take my arm you zombied out slice of sexy. Gevalt!”

“Insidia, You will take my arm.”

“Woah! You are like, old enough to be my great grandfather, but woof!, you are some kind of sexy Baron Kristopher Leigh. Lead on, DreamZeppelin!”

“Oh! You with the hair! May I cling to your arm?”

“Of course my dear, your name is Ruby, is it not? And please, call me Count Fangella.”

mnk, mnk, mnk
“How about a chocolate treat on your pillow for a nightcap snack, my dear Perpetua Nicotina?”

“Sure, Count ChauckOolaux, let’s do it.”

“What’s this? Trevor Dagger? Mademoiselle DeeDee Gauzot? You two vampires act as if you want no part of this glorious moment.”

“That’s right, Count Drauchulau. Millions of people will be killed in this madness. I refuse to take part. It’s just not my bag.”

“Oui. As you know, I am Canadian. Montréal-Québec is my beloved home. If I am not mistaken, your careless plan will be the doom of the beautiful city. I beg you to reconsider. The idea has its appeal, but the price that humanity must pay is too high I think, too. No my Monsieur Count Drauchulau. I most adamantly refuse your nefarious plots. Oui.”

“A few eggs must be cracked in order to create our magnificent omelet, Mademoiselle.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, this course of action is most unacceptable. Please do something to save our imperiled planet.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. Now, Mr. Count Drauchulau, sir, you all need to behave and stop this crazy plot. There’s lots of good stuff in that half of the world. You might live to regret it if you were alive. I’m telling you straight out, I ain’t gonna be no party to this here plan to shift our planet’s orbital trajectories. You all are just gonna have to build y’all’s machines without my help. Hey, by the way, what’s that place y’all asre going to called?”

“I have been pondering just what to call it dear boy. ‘Drauchulauland’ maybe? ‘Vampiria’? No, I think we will follow in the bland, milquetoast fashion in which the humans have designated the North Pole as the ‘Arctic’, we shall denote our new homeland, ‘Terra NonArctica’. You are free to return to the equator that you may live out your mortal existence with our blessings.”

“But I thought you got me here to turn my inventive expertise to your nefarious plot! Ain’t y’all gonna drag me away, a helpless victim to your devilish deeds?”

“No, no, Ichabod, we have everyone that we require. You may run along and begin your trek Northward.”

“But I’m a famous inventor! Didn’t you go to great lengths to get me here so that you could tap into my savage intellect?”

“Oh, Ichabod, at the risk of hurting your sensitive feelings, I am afraid that you have been operating under a false impression. It was not you that we wanted on this exercise.”

“My word, I say, Count Drauchulau, you cannot expect me to help you in your schemes so diabolical. I should say not.”

“No, Madame Plumtartt, we do not expect your help either.”

“Then why’d you get us down here?”

“Our interests lie with that of your clockwork companion, Mr. Cogito. His inertial dampening systems are without par. We wish to replicate certain aspects of his design. Thank you for insuring his safe arrival. He should now be safely packed aboard one of our sleighs, and on his way for delivery to the local harbour and then on to our secret base of operations.”

“Oh.”

“Tut, tut, dear boy.”

My word, that awful man! I attempt to console and assuage the damaged feelings of my little inventor as Count Drauchulau and his vampire cohorts file from the Great hall and into their waiting sleighs.

“Aufweidersehen ladies and gentlemen. We go now to make this world our own.”

---

“Bonjour, mes Comrades.” This I call to my companions, one living, one dead, as they make their way back into the ‘Real-Cheap, Build-a-Keep’, very Southern hideaway. “What data do you return with from your brave reconnoiter, Monsieur Trevor Dagger?”

“Nothing useful, Mademoiselle Gauzot. Icks and I trailed on foot, but their riflemen kept us at bay. Those infernal clockwork ‘Walrus’ they enjoy the use of are, though ungainly, surprisingly fast. They are no doubt headed for the harbor of Ushuaia.”

“What are we gonna do, Miss Plumtartt? Those fiends, begging your pardon, Miss Mademoiselle Gauzot Ma’am and Mr. Trevor, sir, have run off with five of our bestest pals! Plus we gotta stop ’em from wrecking most of the world!”

“I say, I am aware of these facts, Mr. Temperance. Rest assured, we intend to do all in our power to remedy the situation.”

“Oui, oui, Monsieur Temperance. Look at how we prepare for the rigours of the combats so deadly. We wear the adventure gear in preparation of such circumstances, oui. I find the pants of leather to grant me freedom of the movements should foot to mouth combat be engaged, oui. I have also had Wolfgang retrieve my pistols, oui. These I wear not upon my shapely hips as you, Icky, might upon your scarecrow hip bones. No, I prefer to have my brace of automatic cycling firearms even closer at hand, oui. The high-cartridge count pistols are slung by way of supportive and uplifting rigging against my ribs, slightly to the back. These weapons hold sleeves of ammunition that fit into the hand grip. I carry many replenishing sleeves in the multitude of the pockets that adorn this combination bustier/holster and harness/corset.”

“Gee, you sure look swell, all ready for action like that, Mademoiselle.”

“Mr. Temperance!”

“Oops! Sorry, Ma’am! I mean, you sure do look mighty fierce there too, Miss Plumtartt. I see you have changed out of your blue dress and into some really stylish looking battle gear. Those sure are some substantial looking boots you got! They look really rugged, the way they make it up over your knees in consecutive pleated layers of thick leather folds. You’re sure to enjoy lots of maneuverability to work your Gung Foo kicks and what not in that there studded leather skirt, of under other circumstances immodest length but here and under the present circumstances, is perfectly appropriate. The many buckles and straps that secure you into that rugged corset look like they can sure ’nough take a beating.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, thank you for having taken notice. I found these things amongst the luggage left behind by the three seductive succubi.”

“Were y’all able to come up with any weaponry?”

“None whatsoever, Mr. Temperance. The only arms are those that Mademoiselle Gauzot and Herr Metzger already had in their possession.”

“That’s a shame about us losing all our own valuable hardware in the
‘Stoker’
disaster, Ma’am. I reckon we’ll just have to get by as best we can without the aid of armaments.”

“Mademoiselle and I are our only vampire resource of force. Looks like we have the supplemental force of three humans, Icks, Miss Plumtartt and Wolfgang. Two undead and three mortals versus twelve vampires and a supplemental force of a few dozen human mercenaries. Our odds are not stacking up too well.”

“Say there, Trevor, you don’t mind if I call you Trevor, do you? The name’s Coalshack, Carl Coalshack, IWNS, Chicago. I think we are on the trail of a terrific story. I would be willing to tag along in order to cover the outcome and get the scoop! Besides, if I don’t, there will not be a Chicago to go back to.”

“Ach! I did not travel these thousands of miles und grow this ridiculous und outrageously bushy moustache for disguise and camouflage among the walruses to turn avay empty handed! I stand ready to pursue the beasties! Sorry, Trevor and DeeDee. No offense to you two. You seem like very nice monsters.”

“Mademoiselle Buffiegh? Would you care to accompany us on this campaign to save our endangered planet?”

“What? Who? Me? Like, you must be joking! I am not about to go traipsing into a lair of bloodthirsty vampires.”

“Oui? As you wish. We shall leave you here then, Mademoiselle.”

“Eek! Leave me here? Alone? No way, I’m coming with you guys! I hope those self-defense pamphlets I read and studied last week knew what they were talking about!”

“Mein friend, Icky, how do vee stand as to transportation?”

“Not so good, Mr. Metzger. These stingy devils did not leave us so much as a snowshoe. To get after and chase these villains, we are gonna have to slog along on foot through the ice and snow.”

I think this Icksibody uses the right terminology, for we do ‘slog along’ as it were, after our despicable enemies. It is a long and difficult two mile trek to the native village of Ushuaia, oui!

It appears that we are too late! As we peek over this last rise of the landscape before reaching the coastal fishing village of Ushuaia, we are presented with a wide view of the difficult task of the mission before us. A strange ship that rides low in the waters is moored along one of the piers. Its metal decks are dangerously sloped downward and out to the icy waters, presenting a treacherous steel terrain for her crew to tread upon. No masts for sails, nor paddles does it have. Dangerous looking spines rise along the mechanical creature’s back. An incision has splayed the monster’s back open, allowing a body to be lowered into the hull by crane hoist.

“That must be Mr. Cogito! We gotta do somethin’ pronto!”

“Oui, Monsieur Temperance. Wolfgang, what do you make of the operation?”

My trusted manservant, Wolfgang Metzger, lowers his expensive, yet tasteful, binoculars and turns a serious, though handsome, face back to the rest of us.

“Hrrm. Not too promising, Mademoiselle Gauzot. This Southward facing exposure allows an uninterrupted view witnessing the clash of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans in this narrow chasm between the continents of South America and the mysterious undiscovered lands beyond. As you can see from our high-ground position here behind the village, open shoreline extends in either direction for several miles. Before us lies the fishing village of Ushuaia. Several docks stretch out from the town. The one in the middle is our target, ja, but another ship, an ice-breaking freighter, also appears to be a part of their insidious plans.”

“We gotta stop them boats!”

“Ja, mein friend, Icky, but you must tell that to the many soldier boys that act as guards to the two ships in question. Of the village, I can identify the little shopping district, cannery and fishing supportive industries. The residences of the local populace are easy to distinguish. The clockwork ‘Walrus’ engines and their passenger sleighs are parked on the North side of the village as they are too large to operate on the narrow streets. There is a large warehouse of recent construction to the West side of which I do not know the purpose.”

“I say, my conjecture would be that is where they store their machineries of construction that they take such pride in, eh hem?”

“Listen up, humans!” Trevor Dagger glares at us all in turn. “You too, Mademoiselle. I don’t have time to repeat myself, so pay attention: I’m only gonna say this once. Here’s what we’re going to do.”

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