In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (22 page)

“Ha, ha! But what of your spherical control theories?”

“They’re just theories, Count Sezami. I never thought anybody would really try to apply them in such a foolhardy manner.”

{  {  { s-h-u-d-d-e-r }  }  }

“Aye, Oye bae thaenking the Earth bae shaeking like the lady at the end o’ the oopera.”

“Ha, ha! You may stop the procedure, Professor. We shall regain control of the process and try again. Ha, ha! We shall turn the Earth on her axis on the second attempt. Ha, ha!”

{  {  { s-h-u-d-d-e-r }  }  }

“Ah, yeah, but no. There is no counter-balance to this disaster. Further Tectonic Hammer strikes will only exacerbate the problem.”

“Watch your potty mouth please.”

“Make it worse.”

“Can we stop the gyroscopes?”

“No. There are no controls for stopping the gyroscopes. Once instigated, they are self reliant and for the most part, perpetual motion machines.”

“I am thinking that the stopping of the gyroscopes is the best answer, no? Oui. Can obstructions not be worked into the joints of the devices?”

“Aye, ’tis a thought, lassie, bhoughtte we nae have the time.”

“The devices are made of ice. We merely need to shatter them, si? This is a castle. As a castle and fortress, do you not possess cannon that we may fire upon the constructs and splinter their spinning splendor?”

“No Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn, we do not. The many fanciful turrets and battlements are only for decoration. The slight fortress like appearance is merely for a pleasing affectation.”

{  {  { s-h-u-d-d-e-r }  }  }

“Say, this is the central hub of the uni-rail system. At the end of each branch of track are the gyroscopes, right?”

“Heh, heh, heh, h-h-h-nnn-y-e-e-s-s.”

“Well, the one we saw back on the other side of the mountain range was built at the end of the track and in line with the rail. My supposition is that the other two are constructed with the same positioning. I propose we use the rocket ships to take down the gyroscopes.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, are there not hills built into the track to slow its approach?”

“Hunh. Yes, Ma’am. … Hey, wait a minute! We could use the turnstiles to reverse the direction of the skate rail engine. Our carriage would have a level approach and then a perfect launch from the starting grade.”

“Will there be enough energy to give the craft flight? It must be two hundred meters from the train station to the Gyroscope Neutralization Placement.”

“No, there won’t. Even if the monster of a train engine makes it to the gyroscope’s position, I doubt it will have the kinetic energy to effect any kind of damage.”

{  {  { s-h-u-d-d-e-r }  }  }

“You know, those trains are equipped with an extra pair of cylinders clamped to the base of the engine. Those mystified me at first, but now I think I might know what they are. Those are backward facing rockets, ain’t they?”

“Ha, ha! Yes, Ichabod. We thought it prudent to include a back up braking mechanism should an emergency arise. As they are designed to reduce the speed of the ship’s rocket flight, we designate them as ‘degrado’ rockets.”

“I betcha we could redirect those degrado rockets to fire forwards instead of backwards. It would be simple enough to rig a trigger to set off the booster rockets at the end of the rail to really sock it to them ’scopes.”

“Will we be stranded here at the pole?”

“Naw, we still got a second engine and the other track.”

{  {  { s-h-u-d-d-e-r }  }  }

“Ach! Hurry! Let’s get to vork already!”

aaa

BAH-
FHO
O
OSHHHH!!!

“Don’t you go missing now, Mr. Rocket Ship! You vill bring down zee gyroscope, ja!”

“Good, Wolfgang! That’s the second ship off to drop the other gyroscope on this side of the continent. It now remains to bring down that one from back the way we came in.”

“Danke, Carl. Let’s help zee others with the third sled engine.”

Oi. These humans. They are always so busy! This allows me more time to put the moves on the silent but deadly Vampira. Oi! That clingy black gown sends me! Oi!

“These goyim humans are really quite industrious, don’t you find it so my dear?”

    “  ^      ^  ”

           .  .

       \/     \/

“Eloquently put, you gorgeous sexpot. Let’s leave the kids to wrap up here while you and I pick up from where we left off earlier.”

“You boys have everything under control here, right? No hard feelings about wanting to kill you or destroy half the world?”

“Nossir, Count Grampa Louis. I think we’re all willing to just chalk it up as a little misunderstanding. All’s well that ends well, right?”

whirr,
skrink!
bzz,
skrink!
clunk
skrink!

“Did you hear zhat? Zhat ist a sound zhat ist not too good I think.”

{  {  { s-h-u-d-d-e-r }  }  }

“Um, we’re not through here, fellas; we better hurry up and get this rocket on its way.”

whirr,
skrink!
bzz,
skrink!
clunk
skrink!

“I say, Mr. Temperance. At the risk of sounding cliché, I confess that horrible noise forms an icy grip of fear clutching my heart in a nameless sense of dread. Yes, I say, quite so.”

“Yes, Ma’am, me too. Say, look over yonder, y’all. Here comes the whole household of the castle. They sure look frightened and in a hurry. Even that ol’ rascally Nosferatu Ekstreme Shriekke and the contemptuous Professor DiddleFudde are hot-footin’ it. Those boys are really workin’ their canes, too. Ain’t it funny to see the lurching, ogre like form of Professor Christopher DiddleFudde leaning forward as he runs like I never thought he would or could, in a side by side juxtaposition against the backward leaning Ekstreme Shriekke? He and Professor DiddleFudde are matching each other’s pace with the wild use of their canes as they maintain a very respectable pace! I think some of them harried folks are trying to get our attention. They are gesticulating like madmen. I get the impression that they want us to hurry in our efforts to prepare the rocket ship, because apparently something that is able to threaten fifteen vampires plus all the humans and P.T. is sending them running for their undead and living lives is right behind them.”

whirr,
skrink!
bzz,
skrink!
clunk
skrink!

“I say, Mr. Temperance, my intuition says to heed their advice and do what we can to prepare for an immediate exit, eh hem?”

“We’ll have to go get the other train ready, Ma’am. This one is turned around the wrong way, remember? If we take this one, we will not have the hills at the end to slow us down. Not only that, but this one needs to be fired off to go drop that last gyroscope. It is imperative that we do it immediately. The tremors shaking the Earth are getting worse. Regardless of what has these folks on the run, we need to reverse the retro-rockets and send this rocket ship skate to drop that last gyroscope. If we do not go ahead and launch this sleigh into that device, the world is doomed.”

“I say, here are our first arrivals from the castle’s exodus. Count Sezami, could you please explain the nature of this apparent crisis, eh hem?”

“Ha, ha! We are boarding this ship and leaving. Three, two, one go! Go, go, go! Jump to it, Sticky, we have to leave, now-now-now!”

“Okay, the engine is loaded but the retros have not been reversed. You all know we are on the wrong rail, right? We have used the turnstiles to turn this engine to run on the inbound mono-rail instead of the outbound track.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes! Now go!”

“Hang on there a second, Mr. Cogito. What’s going on?”

whirr, bzz, clink
“I fear there may be a malfunction in my frozen counterpart, sir.”

“What’s up.”

“It’s this Cortexual Quartz of mine, you see. His exalted magnificence, the great Nosferatu Ekstreme Shriekke, did a superb job of reconstructing me in ice. Even more so to have done so on such a large scale. My jumbo doppleganger is truly an extraordinary achievement.

whirr,
skrink!
bzz,
skrink!
clunk
skrink!

“However I think the intricacies of the ever-poso crystaline netices within my Cortexual Quartz escaped his reproductive abilities.”

“What is it you are you trying to say, Mr. Cogito?”

“My ‘Maxi-Me’ is as mad as a rabies riddled orangutan.”

whirr,
skrink!
bzz,
skrink!
clunk
skrink!

“Could we give him a sedative?”

“Is that an attempt at human humour, sir?”

“Get us oout o’ here Icksy m’lad! That horrible monster had the look of mairdairre in its inhuouman eyes.”

{chorus all}
                 
“Aye!”

whirr,
skrink!
bzz,
skrink!
clunk
skrink!

killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

KERR-RASH!!!

“Eek! I see what y’all mean about the murderous gleam in his giant receptors! He just smashed Mr. Shriekke’s ice castle into gazillions of pieces! He is looking around with furious intent. That clockwork man ain’t right! Uh, oh! He just spotted us and is headed this way! Hold on, everybody, I’m gonna light this firecracker!
Fire in the hole!”

BAH-
FHO
O
OSHHHH!!!

{chorus all}
    
“Ahhh!!!
Hooray!
”

mnk, mnk, mnk
“We made it! We’re going to survive that awful thing!”

krg, grr, grr, guh, grrnnk

“That sounded and felt like something just busted up the track right behind us.”

“That’s okay, we have already launched ourselves in our rocket ship! The track he smashed is now already long behind us.”

grunk, kunk, grurgle, krrburnk

“I say, Mr. Temperance, if that is the case, then what was that second sensation?”

“I’m gonna look out this rear porthole, Ma’am and find out. Uh, yup. Sorry folks, but it looks like that big ol’ ice boy is a chasing us.”

“But I thought he could not stand! How can he chase us if he cannot walk?”

“He’s crawling.”

“How fast did you say we were going?”

“Two hundred miles an hour.”

“You say he is able to keep up?”

“Nossir, actually, I think he’s gaining on us.”

biernk, burngk, bymkrg, chu-
koongah!

“Yeah, it looks like he is just smashing up the track as a way of releasing tension at his fury at not being able to catch us. Brace yourselves folks, he’s almost got us.”

~ding!~

{chorus all}
                “Hang on!”

BAH-
FHO
O
OSHHHH!!!

“That rocket platform hit in the nick of time, y’all. I reckon it gave us a few minutes’ head start on Mr. Bizzarito. With a little luck we’ll make it to the Trans NonArctican Mountain range and her tunnel before we get caught again.”

aaa

“Hey, Icky, looks like the end of the tunnel up ahead.”

“Everybody be ready. Maybe we lost that rebellious servant back over on the other side of the mountain range and maybe not, but in any case, we still gotta drop that gyroscope. Right now, I am at a loss as to how to do it.”

“Ha, ha! We are well aware of this quandary, Ichabod. Hey, we emerge and he is nowhere to be seen! That is good because the Earth tremors are getting really bad.”

whirr,
skrink!
bzz,
skrink!
clunk
skrink!

killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

“Ach! Bizzarito hast founds us, ja!”

“He is no longer behind us. Looks like he had to detour a little to cross the mountain. Man! That guy can crawl! Snow and ice is flung ahead of the brute like water before the prow of a mighty ship and a giant rooster tail of snow is getting churned up in the air behind him.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, the beastly fellow appears to be on an intercept course. My conjecture is that he will arrive at the station at the same time as we.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, that looks like how it’s about to happen, all right. Get ready, everybody; I think we are about to fall into the giant ice monster’s deranged clutches.”

“Ya know, back on the
‘Stoker’
, right before we crashed, in an effort to keep a brave face on things, we sang...”

“Shaddap Icksy. Theese bae a toime fae’r a man to go out foosing and crying and throwing a tantrum an’ae fit.”

{chorus all}
    “Aye!  Waaaahhhh!”