In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (9 page)

Though the storm continues to rage all around the perimeter of the estate, Count Onyx’Ula is somehow able tae magically open a circle in the cloudsies o’ the night sky tae reveal her twinkling stars, bright planets, and swollen with fullness moon. This full moon’s bright beams fill the courtyard with their bluish light. The more healthy variety of teens are suddenly and strongly taken with a severe throttling. Their fit physiques shudder for a moment and then enter unto a strange metamorphosis. Their ears grow more pointy. Furre sproots all over their bodies. Their faengernails grow intae claws. Bhaughtte thaese are soon retracted so that they kin shed their scanty clothing and properly move innae their new faeline form.

The pasty pansies o’ the aecademy flee their faer bosom mates.

The big cats look around in frightened confusion.

Our own group falls back from the frightening form o’ Count Onyx’Ula and the newly formed bodies o’ the aecademy’s trespassers.

“I command you delinquents to leave these premises!” roars Count Onyx’Ula. “You are hereby banned for life!
Hear
my
word
!:”

“SCAT
!”

The were-pumas, jaguars and panthers all hurriedly slink away to leap to the top of the high wall and then to the safer grounds of the other side. The last o’ the kitty peoples tae reach the top o’ the wall stops to looks back at our group and say:

“Mew.”

---

Ha, ha! This little extra-curricular expedition has surprisingly worked to our favour! Ha, ha! The silly mortals that have fallen into our evil grasp have been broken of their noncompliance. Ha, ha! I count this as a major victory for our side, yes! Ha, ha! The incredible display by my powerful colleague Count Onyx’Ula has not only handled the Academy problem, but in addition, has subtracted mightily the division in our multitudes, yes! Ha, ha! The willful recalcitrance of our captives has been cut short, clipped by our uncanny cunning. Ha, ha!

It is now a victory parade through this lovely city we enjoy.

Ha, ha! So many blocks of the beautiful city of Buenos Aires for me to count! Ha, ha! I can count the many bridges and canals! I can count the many busy projects! Ha, ha! But enough with the funsies, it is time for business I think as we arrive at this, the next stop in our scientific scavenger hunt. Yes! Ha, ha!

“Dang, y’all, I think this here is the fanciest hotel I ever did see.”

“I say, hear, hear, Mr. Temperance, I concur. The ‘Admiral BenneBowe Inne’ is a lavish, and extravagant affair to be sure, eh hem.”

“Ha, ha! Please, let us hurry inside lest I succumb to the compulsive temptation of counting all the many crenelated windows that adorn the seven story edifice! Yes! Ha, ha!”

“Heh,heh, I shall go to the desk and seend for our companions,  henh.”

Ha, ha! This task is barely completed when we are joined by first, our scientist.

“Ha, ha! Please excuse me if I interject myself at this time to momentarily assume host duties. Ha, ha! Hello, my fine friend! You are a magnificent and resplendent little fellow, I must add, ha, ha! I count two little black shoes, trimmed in white upon your dainty feet, ha, ha! A glimpse of funny white socks we receive before the obstruction of your black, silk pants, ha, ha! But it is this incredible tunic you wear of such splendorous colors that make me want to count the stars that begin to swim before my eyes, ha, ha! How the bright orange paisley swirls dizzy my brain and reel my computational skills with their contrasting purple paramoebe, portrayed in shining gold threads. The little round hat, as that of a scarlet Auriental fez, sets you off in a wonderful manner my Chinese friend. The long thin droopy mustache that hangs below the nose upon which rests your large thick glasses is one of the most impressive I have ever seen, ha, ha! I am your charming new friend, Count Sezami, and you, ha, ha, are?”

“Ohhhh, thank you so much, Count Sezami! Ohhhh, it is my great honor and privilege to introduce myself to this highly esteemed congregation. I am, Doctor Xen Xum Xng.”

The deplorable little human from the United States, Ichabod Temperance, once again makes an embarrassing attempt at cordiality with the esteemed new member of our party.

“Howdy there, Dr. Zen Zoom Zing...”

“I prefer Xen Xum Xng.”

“Uhb. Yessir, I’ll try. Dr. sck-c-c-c-c-c-c-...”

“Xen Xum Xng.”

“How ’bout I just call ya Dr. X’s?”

“No! Dr. Xen Xum Xng!”

“Yessir! Dr. Zen...”

“Atte!”

“Eep! Sorry sir! How ’bout Dr. Triple X’s?”

“No!”

“Dr. X?”

sigh
. “Very well.”

“Thanks, Doc, my name’s Ichabod Temperance. This here is my gal, Miss Persephone Plumtartt.”

“I am so very charmed to meet you, Dr. Xen Xum Xng. I understand that you are an eminent chemyst, but before we get any further along in our introductions, I think, unless I am very much mistaken, we are being joined by your chaperon.”

Ha, ha! The Plumtartt mortal is correct! There he is! I am honoured to be on the same mission as this fabled hero! How very fortunate it is that he is the one selected to secure and maintain our third victim until such time as our collection expedition should gather them into our captivity, yes, ha, ha! This vampire is an old acquaintance of mine from my childhood! Yes! Ha, ha! He remains just as I remember him. So tall, and exceedingly thin. He too has the pointy ears, as do I, but where mine are but dull and tiny little points on either side of my spherical cranium, his mount that elongated skull in long and distinguished needle ends that follow the course of the twin pinnacles of hair gooped horns that project upwards and to the rear of his magnificent head. The two great flat incisors that perpetually hang over his bottom lip do nothing to take away from his sophistication. In fact, I may make so bold as to say that his ample overbite only adds to his gentle nobility. His eyebrows arch exceedingly high over his twinkling with amusement eyes. He is dressed in a tuxedo as Count Onyx’Ula and I are, but of course he, as always, indulged in that particular dark shade of brown that he is so apt to favour. The rich, deep chocolate colours suit him so. The brown colouring is extended to his lengthy cape, and adorns the lining as well. He has also retained that singular mannerism of smacking his lips a few times without moving that fantastic overbite that hides his fangs.

mnk, mnk, mnk
“Good evening, my jolly friends! I am so very happy to see you all!”
mnk, mnk, mnk
“If I may be allowed the honor of introducing myself, I am,”
mnk, mnk, mnk
“Count ChauckOolaux!”

“Heh,heh-h-h-enough vith zee introductions, already! Vee are behind schedule. Vee may also be endangered by that mysterious attacker from Rio de Janeiro, if he has been able to maintain his pursuits, henh...”

“Ha, ha! Then let us not delay! To the carriages! One, two. I count two carriages to carry our ten member party away to our ship, ha, ha!”

“Hey there, Count Onyx’Ula, you need to slow down your stride for Miss Plumtartt, sir.”

“That’s quite all right, Mr. Temp...”

“Shut-up both of you and follow me. Hurry up, everybody and let’s...Gulk
-snap
!”

Our esteemed colleague Count Onyx’Ula’s head is knocked sideways with the edge of a black boot at the end of the leg of the man that has leapt upon us from the Admiral Bennebowe Inne’s entrance awning. This is a most grievous blow, even to the inestimable Count Onyx’Ula. The humans are quick to counter this surprise attack, but the surprise attacker’s counter-counter is even quicker as he lashes out with his leg in a squatting and spinning maneuver that drops the two mortal males designated Temperance and MontelKahn most heavily to the sidewalk.

“Count Sezami, might I suggest that we kiss off our fudge-favoured foe and cordially sit this one out. Why not let the obligingly combative humans deal with this curiosity?”

“Ha, ha! Count me in, my dear Count ChauckOolaux, ha, ha!”

“Is it not amusing how the burly little tweed covered chap,...?”

“A Scottish electrical engineer, my number one, caramel coloured count, by the name, ‘Pol Steele’.”

“Thank you, my enumerating friend. I knew I could count on you. Your accounting, by all accounts, is unaccountably incalculable.”

“You flatter me, Count ChauckOolaux.”

“Nonsense dear fellow, you flatter me, Count Sezami. As to the humans and their ongoing struggle and quarrel with our ninja like onslaughteruer, I was going to comment, is it not amusing how the burly little tweed covered chap...”

“Ha, ha, Pol Steele.”

“...Pol Steele has tackled the ambusher to the ground in a heated flurry of punching, gouging and other scurrilous behaviours. The fanged attacker flings the friendly fighter far. This has all given ample opportunity for this mechanical companion of the company to step in and grasp the unfriendly fellow that has set himself upon us and now quite easily holds him aloft above his head.”

“Attaboy, Mr. Cogito!”

“Si, it seems our clockwork friend is able to hold this fellow up as well as he did Count Onyx’Ula, earlier.”

“Jolly good, Mr. Cogito! Well done, sir, rather, my word, yes, indeed, I say.”

“Thank you, Madame, it was nothing, I assure you. Now my rowdy friend, please calm yourself for I am afraid that my grip may inadvertently do you an inSKRR-BZ#CR@P!%X$&#W^_vG!!!”

“This I do not count as something to make light of Count ChauckOolaux! Our ebony enemy emissary has elected to enlist an eclectic electric device to disrupt the dynamo-driven tin-man’s electrodes.”

~kon-kuh.~

“Now he is flat on his back!”

mnk, mnk, mnk
“Is he completely, electrically motivated?”

“I believe he is only a small part electrically motivated, Count. He is primarily a spring driven device. The greatest amount of electrical use is in the device’s head. This attack, though, is enough to render the device, inoperable.”

“Cheers!”

“Ah, the dreadful little human from Alabama has finally delivered on the flying sidekick that he missed with in Rio de Janeiro.”

“I punch your face, si!”

“Who is this tall mortal with the light toffee tone to his handsome features?”

“Ha, ha! He is a Spanish hydro-engineer, my bon-bon ami, ha, ha. He may be of noble heritage, and therefore a bit more palatable to deal with than the others I think, my Count ChauckOolaux. This one is designated, Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn.”

“Thank you, Count Sezami. It seems that he is a formidable fighter! Alas, not to the point of being able to defeat this savage beast for the ‘goodie, goodie’, if you know what I mean, has knocked the great fellow down with a decisive spinning kick to his cleft jaw.”
mnk, mnk, mnk
“But look how this has allowed the little fellow with the unfortunate backwoods American accent...”

“Ha, ha, Temperance.”

“Thank you, Temperance, has slipped back, in a sneaky manner, to stand directly before the black brute while at the same time, shooting his left hand straight up and around the back of his head. He does so in a way that allows him to latch his left arm around the brute’s head, forcing the fearsome fellow’s face down. This frontward facing headlock is secured by the spunky little human’s right arm. Hello, what’s this? Now Temperance seeks to further exploit his position by hooking the black clad black man’s left arm over his own head and by jumping forward while simultaneously giving the fellow lift at the hips, tries to leverage the onyx oppressor over his head!”

“Once again, the fellow counters the human. This is easy to see, for we are a formidable species, I must say. In any case, the interloper has now grape-vined his own leg around Temperance’s to foil his throw. As they are both locked together in the same manner, the capable crusader sans cape is now able to reverse the situation by leveraging the American inventor straight up into the air for a dramatic moment. I count two moments. Three! Three dramatic moments of holding Ichabod Temperance straight up in the air and upside down do I count before the holder jumps high up in the air to drop the unfortunate human heavily to the sidewalk, flat on his back.”

“Oh, that has to hurt, Count. It will probably even leave a mark.”

“Oye nae likes ye’ hurtin’ a friend o’ mine ye’ horrible fiendie! Oye let ye’ off easy baefore. Git ready for a Gordie dress down m’laddie!”

“Bring it, Scotty.”

“Awra!”

“Ha, ha! Count ChauckOolaux, just look at this human, Pol Steele, go! He now stands toe to toe, trading blow for blow with this foe de foe! I am amazed! Ha, ha!”

“I agree, Count! The Scotsman’s tenacity and ferocity are delicious!”

“Ha, h-oh. No, I am afraid that he goes down in defeat, as well. Perhaps the human Dr. Xen Xum Xng would like to get involved? No? Miss Plumtartt? Maybe you will be able to prove capable of defeating this gentleman by utilizing your parasol with deftness and derring-do?”

“Hey girlie, you wanna try poking me with that parasol again, you just go ahead and try it.”

“‘Girlie’ you say? No, no, that will not do, my most adamant adversary. The name is Plumtartt, Miss Persephone Plumtartt.”

“I’m taking you all down.”

“Eh hem, yes, well, as you might roguishly put it, sir, ‘bring it’.”

“Say, you handle yourself pretty good, Persephone, but you are way out-classed in this fight.”

“Oh pooh, if I had something more substantial than a parasol with which to defend myself against that weighty sword of yours, I could very well make a better account of myself. As it is, I find myself disarmed and at your mercy, eh hem?”

“You’re a pretty one, lady, but you are on the wrong side.”

“Please sir, I wish you would give me a chance to explain our position.”

“The company you keep plainly shows where your loyalty lies, sister. Sayonara.”

The Plumtartt girl is able to dodge several sword swings that each intend to bring her brief mortality to a swift ending. She stumbles and will surely be unable to dodge this next swing.

“Arrividerci, baby.”

The strike of death is altered in its course. Instead of slicing the Plumtartt girl into one, two, two halves, the trajectory of the sword turns to carry its wicked wielder in a velocity soaked spin to land heavily on the ground. The antagonist’s right hand is manipulated in such a way that the right arm forces its owner to comply with the one holding the grip. The wrist wrangler applies his knee as a fulcrum to the compliant fellow. This is supplemented by the point of the gentleman’s own sword that he has irresistibly surrendered being rested point first against his jugular and the butt of the hand of the sword’s new owner poised to thrust his weight, such that it is, down upon the  heavy blade.