In an Instant (11 page)

Jake’s eyes come back to mine through the glass. Within seconds, they go from alert to heavy lidded to closed.

“Thank you, Daniella, for telling him.” His mom grabs my hand and squeezes it.

“You did good, D,” Dax says as he wraps his arm around my shoulders.

Jake’s doctor finally comes out of his room and walks over to us. I’m relieved the beeping is calm. Jake is calm.

“He’s going to be fine. We just gave him something to help him rest. I didn’t like his oxygen levels, so I’m going to have him keep the mask on while he sleeps for a few hours. At least the hardest part is over.” He gives us a flat smile.

For some reason, I have a hard time believing that. If only he knew the whole story…

***

“One more,” Dax says as the elevator doors open to Mel’s floor.

“Yup.” I lean into him for support. It’s getting harder to walk, and I know I need to get back to my room. I’m feeling more pain as the medicine wears off. “At least she knows about Marcus already.”

Dax gives me a small, sad smile. “There’s that.” He winks, and it makes me think of Marcus—that was his thing.

I stop walking. I can’t do this.

Dax steps in front of me and cradles my face in his hands. “D, we can go back. You don’t have to do this right now. It’s a lot. I know.” He smiles softly, and I notice how bloodshot his eyes still are. I can see how deep his sadness is, reminding me we are all going through this together. That alone gives me the courage I need.

Nate and Cam finally left to go home after Marcus… I can’t bring myself to say it again. Hanna and Em left at one point, too, but Dax stayed. Who knows the last time he actually slept? I want to tell him to take care of himself, but I’m so overwhelmed by the love he has for all of us, for me, that I can’t bring myself to speak while he walks me to Mel’s room.

“You ready?” he whispers as we stand outside of her doorway.

I nod.

He gives a quick squeeze to the shoulder his hand is around, and I take a deep breath before we walk through her doorway.

“Hi, Mels.” Dax kisses her on the head as soon as he makes sure I’m comfortably in the seat next to her bed.

“Hi, Dax,” she says with a sweet smile.

We both don’t miss that she hasn’t acknowledged my presence.

Dax quickly checks his phone. “It looks like Cam and Nate just got here, so I’m going to meet them downstairs. I’ll be back.” He gives me a small smile full of encouragement. I’m not sure if he’s telling the truth or if he just made that up. Regardless, I appreciate that he’s giving us alone time, even if I’m dreading it.

Once he leaves, there is nothing but silence. I feel the need to break it, yet I don’t know what to say, where to start. My eyes study everything in the room except Mel.

“I’m glad you’re okay, D.” Mel finally cuts through the silence. Of course she breaks it first; she’s always been the better person, always will be.

Maybe she doesn’t know.

My eyes land on her for the first time since I have been in her room. Most of her injuries were internal, so she looks the same. Her loose, golden waves are draped around her shoulders. It’s as if she just left a salon, not surgery. Her face looks like a porcelain doll—pristine, not even a scratch.

“How are you?” I ask.

“I’ve been better.” She gives me a sarcastic chuckle, which causes her to wince. She’s so calm, so kind. Maybe our friendship will be able to survive this.

Once again, silence fills the room. The silence with us is never uncomfortable, but today, these long stretches are different, excruciating. Then her innocent blue eyes lock with mine, and they narrow.

“How could you?” she asks. “You were my best friend.”

Were
rings in my ears, and it’s as if my speech has been stolen from me.

She does know.

“I’m so sorry, Mel. I didn’t want you to find out like this. We wanted to tell you both together.”

“We,” she repeats through gritted teeth. Then she takes a deep breath as if she’s about to scream at me, but she squeezes her eyes shut and grips the blankets tightly.

I hate seeing her in this much pain. She looks perfect on the outside, but it’s clear her body is retaliating.

When she finally opens her eyes again, they land on me, and instead of hate, I see love overshadowed by hurt. I despise that I have added to her pain.

“How could you do this to Marcus? How could Jake? You stood there and lied to my face while you slept with my boyfriend!”

The truth in her words stings.

Her eyes are locked on mine, and the hate I expected is there now. “It should have been you, not Marcus.
You
.” As she takes a deep breath, it’s clear even that movement is painful for her. She’s still gripping the blanket so tightly the bridge of her knuckles is turning white. “You always say you hate your mom so much, but you’re just like her.”

Her words slice me open. My insides feel like they are in the middle of a Quentin Tarantino movie. It’s as if they have been ripped out and splattered all over this room. Still, I squeeze my eyes shut and take it. I deserve it.

“I’m so sorry,” I repeat to the ground. There is nothing else to say. She’s right. I am just like her. I lie and cheat and hurt people.

There is silence except for my pounding heart. It’s the only sound filling the room. I’m sure Mel can hear it.

While her words have sliced me open, it’s the pain behind them that kills any hope of ever having anything with Jake again.

“I get it,” she finally whispers quietly, and I’m not sure if she’s whispering because she’s in pain or because she doesn’t want to say the words.

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”

“I know you love him. It’s all over your face. And I know he’s always cared about you. I’ve known, D, forever really. I just didn’t think it was actually happening. I didn’t think you would do that to me, your best friend. Or to Marcus. I trusted you. I trusted you both, but I had a feeling that night at the game. No, I think the club was really the first time then the game. I saw the way he looked at you … the way he always looks at you.”

“Mel, we didn’t mean for it to happen.”

She looks down and runs her fingers over the knit blanket. Her words are barely a whisper, and I’m not sure what she said.

“What?” I ask with apprehension.

“How long?” She over-enunciates each word, her blue eyes meeting mine.

“Just a few weeks.” I stare down at my chipped, deep blue nail polish and try to ignore the pain creeping down my body now that my medicine is wearing off.

“The truth,” Mel demands. If her eyes were daggers, I would be dead.

I take a deep breath. My chest still hurts—everything hurts—but I owe her the truth. “It started the night all that stuff happened with Joel. Jake came to check on me later that night and …” I keep eye contact. I need to own this. We did it, and I have to own it. I knew this day was coming the second I actually let myself feel the feelings I had suppressed for so long. “But honestly, in my heart, it’s been since we were seven, maybe? I could never allow myself to admit it, though. Then he told me he liked you, and I pushed my feelings for him away. But that doesn’t matter. None of it matters, because it’s over. We can’t be together. We’ve already hurt the people we love the most.”

As Mel closes her eyes and hangs her head down, I see the tears sliding down her cheeks. “Do you think Marcus knew?” she asks softly.

That question takes the daggers she was shooting with her eyes and slices me open even further. I squeeze my eyes shut again.

“I hope not,” I say while I try with every bit of strength I have left to keep it together. “But that is why we need to end it. Now I can never tell Marcus, not the way we should have been able to, so I can’t be with Jake. I would never forgive myself. It would be like I’m cheating on Marcus in the worst way.” I bite my bottom lip to try to keep my grip on sanity, but it’s slipping away quickly.

My eyes lock with hers again, I need for her to see me when I say this, “I love you, Mel. And I love Marcus. We never meant to hurt either of you, and now everyone is hurt, and I’m not sure any of us will ever be able to recover. So in an attempt to try my best to make things as right as they can be at this point, it’s over with me and Jake.”

She takes a deep breath and squeezes her eyes shut tightly. “I loved you, too, Dani, but I’m so mad at you and Jake right now. My heart hurts so much I don’t know what to do or think. I can’t believe Marcus is gone. He was supposed to go to college on a scholarship next year. He had his whole life ahead of him.

“And I know you must be in so much pain. And as your best friend, I should be there for you, but I can’t right now. I can’t see past how badly you hurt me, D. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now.” She shakes her head and finally opens her eyes so they meet mine. “You need to go. To me, you died in the accident, too.”

I know Mel, and I can tell there is nothing left to say. There is nothing I could do that would change how she feels. She wants me to go forever. She’s done. I have to live with that.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I try to keep it together enough to walk out of her room. I’m in so much pain I don’t think I can make it back to my room without Dax, but I need to go now.

Somehow, I make it to the hallway.
As soon as I’m outside of her room, I lean against the wall to try to pull myself together.

Hanna and Em are down the hall, walking in this direction, so I attempt to keep it together, but I can’t. My body is still weak and disobeying me. It has a mind of its own. I want to run in the opposite direction, but I can’t move, so instead, I lean farther into the wall for support and totally lose it.

I feel Em and Hanna approach with caution, but I’m grateful they are approaching.

“It’s going to be okay, D,” Hanna whispers in my ear as she slides her hand down my back.

Em helps support my weight as she wraps her arms around me. I’m glad they are here and not shunning me.

Em’s hug is so tight it hurts my sore chest, but it feels incredible because it’s so genuine. It is just what I need. Then I feel Hanna join in as her arms squeeze the other side. It’s a small gesture, but it means the world to me. Though physically painful, it’s incredibly healing emotionally.

“We’re here for you, D,” Em says.

“We know, and we understand. It might just take Mel longer to come around,” Hanna adds.

My tears are back. I feel them sliding down my cheeks. I’m extremely grateful they understand and that they are here.

I nod my head. “Take care of her, okay?” I say, knowing it will never be the same with the four of us.

Mel is still my best friend, and I love her even if she never wants to see me again. This was never about her or Marcus, but it should have been. We were selfish, and now, in the end, we are the ones who have lost everything.

Chapter Sixteen

Present – Back at School

We are all finally out of the hospital and back at school … well, almost all of us. It has been two weeks since the accident, and most of our physical injuries have healed, but the emotional wounds are still gouging deeply. Being at school is the kind of painful I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Everywhere I turn, I’m reminded of Marcus. I keep expecting him to meet me after class or come up to my locker.

I’m currently at my locker, trying to bury myself in my books to avoid dealing with the rest of the people in the hallway. This is what I do now—avoid everyone and everything. Being at my locker was always the highlight of my day. It’s where our entire group would meet up, but now Mel isn’t even talking to me, and my friendship with Hanna and Em barely exists. I understand why, and I knew that was going to happen. However, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. The fact that our lockers are all next to each other used to be a blessing. Now it’s a curse.

I can’t help glancing over at Marcus’s locker across from mine. The word “Stud” that I painted a few weeks ago is barely visible, but it’s still there. It breaks my heart every time I see it, yet I can’t bring myself to wash it off. It’s as if he’s still here as long as I can see it.

I hear Jake before I see him, and I tell myself not to turn around.
Just keep arranging your books
. Still, I can’t help it, and before I know it, my eyes are locked on his.

He gives me a small smile as he passes. I return it because that’s what I should do; it’s an automatic reflex. He is a person, and I should return his smile.

I honestly have no idea what to do about us. I’m so confused. My head is telling me it can’t happen, so don’t look, don’t feel. Seeing him will just make it more difficult.

My heart is telling me he is someone you have loved for almost your whole life; how do you just cut that off?

Neither my heart nor my head knows the right answer.

I love him with every fiber of my being, though I know it’s wrong. Marcus is gone. Mel hates us. Out of respect for them, it needs to be over. But what does over mean? No more friendship?

I want so desperately to hug him, touch him. I know he’s in so much pain. He is the only other person in this whole world who is going through the exact same thing. He lost his best friend and his girlfriend in an instant. And although Mel is still here physically, I lost her just the same. I understand what having your heart ripped out and run over by a truck feels like.

As soon as my eyes land on him, my body reacts the same way it always did—nothing could change that. I need to be strong, though. I need to let my brain overpower my desire. Therefore, I just return his brisk smile and watch in silence as he walks to his locker.

He’s been so different, so preoccupied with Marcus being gone that having a rational conversation is impossible; talking about us is impossible. He is going through the motions each day—breathing, eating, sleeping—but he’s shut himself off from the world. He’s trapped in his own emotional prison, and I can’t even be there for him. If I am, I know I will get sucked back in, and my heart will win. So instead, I try to avoid him as much as possible.

No one at school really knows the truth except for our group. To the outside, they know the accident was horrible and that it caused things to change with all of us. At the end of the day, no one knows how they would react if, one second, your best friend was there, and the next second, they were gone.

Once again, being part of the social elite has its perks. We are untouchable, which means people seem to just accept instead of question. It’s odd, but in this case, I don’t think I could handle anything else. Any probing from outsiders would push me over the edge.

I see the way people look at me, as if I’m made of glass. No one really talks to me outside of our circle. I think they are afraid I will lose it. I appreciate that and foster it. I need to be alone:

1.) So I don’t hurt anyone else.

2.) Because that is what I deserve.

I see Mel walking toward our lockers, and my stomach flips over with anguish. She looks so far past my locker she could probably see into next week. That’s how hard she’s concentrating on whatever is down the hall so her eyes don’t dare stray in my direction.

She’s with Hanna and Em, who are slightly behind her in deep conversation. Mel is concentrating too hard on avoiding me to even participate. She passes without a glance. Then again, if she did say something, I’m not sure I could hear it over the pounding in my ears from my wildly beating heart.

Once Mel passes, Hanna and Em give me a small wave.

Em mouths, “
How are you
?”

I just shrug with a small smile. I still talk to them, but it’s not the same when Mel is around, which is always. Therefore, our friendship is more in secret, like everything else in my life.

I try to subtly watch as Mel passes Jake’s locker. She gives him the same straight ahead, zoned-in-on-something-imaginary-at-the-end-of-the-hall type of focus she gave me. They don’t even look at one another, and my heart sinks.

This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t what Marcus would want. No one talking, hallways filled with hurt and hate.

I did this. We did this.

“You okay?” I hear Nate from behind me. I can fool many, but not Nate. I’m sure he saw and read what just happened perfectly.

“Not really.” I turn around to see him. He is like a breath of fresh air amidst all my darkness and self-loathing.

“Yeah, me, either.” He moves his eyes toward Marcus’s locker across the hall. “I can’t believe his funeral is tonight. Saying those words out loud doesn’t sound right.” Nate leans against the locker next to mine.

“It will never sound right.” I close my locker and lean against it to match Nate’s stance.

Marcus’s parents might be the kindest, most selfless people in the world, and Marcus was exactly like them. Since he was cremated, they waited to have his funeral until we could all attend. That’s the one thing that gives me a sense of peace—they don’t know about me and Jake, so tonight, I will play the loving, grieving girlfriend, which I am and always will be. I just had a tiny secret that thankfully only seven other people know about, and no matter how much hate there is between some of us now, I know our bond is tighter than revealing that secret to anyone else.

Nate rests the back of his head against the locker and closes his eyes. “Practice has been rough. The game is this weekend, and it used to be so important, but now I can’t concentrate. I don’t even care.”

“Nate! What the fuck? Seriously?” Cam playfully slams his metal splints on the locker next to him. He obviously overheard his confession.

“We need to win
for
Marcus. That is what he would want.” Cam looks so serious it’s as if he is about to break into a eulogy.

Nate shakes his head. “How? You and Jake can’t play, and I don’t know how we’re going to win without Marcus. Jake might be the star, but Marcus was the glue. He was the heart of the team.”

Cam smiles. “Not true about me.”

“What do you mean?” Nate and I ask at the same time.

“Well, Doc says they can take off my splints for the game and tape up my fingers and hand where the stiches are. Since it’s my left hand, he thinks I’ll be good. And I know I can shoot one handed.” He gives us both a confident smile.

“Yeah, until someone slams into you, and you re-break your fingers or re-open your wounds,” Nate says, dismissing his ridiculous plan.

“Laugh it off, Dr. Nate, but until you get your medical license, I’m going with the team doc. If he thinks I’m good, then I am.”

Nate squints his eyes with a questioning look. “Doc says you can play?” He gives a cautious smile.

“Yeah. That’s what I’m telling you.”

“Doc says you can play?” Nate shouts a little more loudly.

“Yes!” Cam shouts even more loudly, startling people walking by.

Nate’s excitement is palpable and contagious. His confidence is back within seconds, and I can tell this changes everything for them, for him. A win is possible. It’s within reach again, so maybe they really could win this one for Marcus.

“What is going on over here? I think Marcy Lyman just peed her pants when she was walking by,” Jake says as he joins our group.

We all laugh.

Hearing his voice sends chills down my spine. I wasn’t expecting it; my body didn’t have time to prepare for him to be this close. When our eyes meet, it causes me to almost lose whatever form of control I have over the situation.

“I can play this weekend.” Cam’s smile brightens his entire face. “Doc says he can tape up my fingers and my hand.”

Jake’s expression radiates joy for the first time since I told him about Marcus. That alone fills me with pleasure. I want him to be happy; that’s all I really want, even if it’s not with me.

“Then he can do it for me,” Jake says, standing up a little straighter. He’s much better, but doing simple things, like throwing his book bag over his shoulder or opening his locker, makes him wince in pain.

“Jake,” I say emphatically, “it’s not the same.” I’m the only one who seems concerned; everyone else is filled with hope, even Nate who has to know how dangerous it would be for Jake to play. I don’t want to be the one to squash their hope. “Maybe you should talk to the team doc before you get too excited,” I add to try to soften the blow.

I know he can’t play, and so does the rest of the team. Deep down, he knows it, too, but I also know he needs this. There is no way he could just sit there and watch the team play in the championship game without being on the court.

***

All practices are ending early today so everyone can attend Marcus’s funeral. I’m dreading it. It’s the last thing with Marcus I have to look forward to, and once it’s over, it will all really be over. And then there will be nothing. I can’t accept that. I won’t accept that. Regardless, I know I have to.

Basketball practice has been closed to anyone not on the team since the accident. No one is allowed in the gym. No distractions. But it’s pouring outside—
how fitting
—so our varsity cheer practice is in the gym today.

Watching the guys on the court without Marcus or Jake is strange. Cam is still practicing, especially now that he can play. His splints are off, and his hand is heavily taped for practice.

I see what Nate was saying. The team is off. Marcus’s presence is missed more than I ever imagined. They are all playing hard, but something is missing. Their heart, the passion they always played with is dimmed. Even with state being a few days away, they seem to be playing as though they’re in the dark.

“Dani,” I hear my name and look over to see Jake, not that I needed to look. I would know that voice anywhere.

He gives me a bright smile, revealing his deep dimples. It’s a smile I haven’t seen since before the accident, but it’s so out of character for him now that it causes my heart to pick up its pace.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” He gestures to the hallway with his head, and my eyes shift to Mel as an automatic reflex since we are in the middle of practice.

She rolls her eyes, but I know that’s her way of saying
go
. That’s as good as I’m ever going to get, so I do.

Once we’re out in the empty hallway of the gym, Jake looks both ways to make sure we are alone then whispers softly, “I can play.”

“What?” I heard him, but the words don’t register.

“I can play.” He enunciates each word with a bright smile.

“How?” I say, and without thinking, I run my hand over his side, gently grazing his injury.

He brushes his hand across mine and holds it over his injured chest. It’s the closest we have come to holding hands since the accident. “Doc did some research and spoke to my doctor. They can give me a beta blocker injection before the game so I won’t feel pain, and if they tape me up over the injury, I should be good. I just need my parents to sign something to let me play, but I know they will. They know how much it means to me. I need to do this for Marc.”

Seeing the raw emotion and honesty in his eyes, I know he believes every word he’s saying with his whole heart. I’m not sure he has ever been as passionate about anything as he is about basketball. This is it - the last game of his senior year, the state championship. Still …

“Jake,” I say softly, as if I understand, but I need to talk sense into him. Someone does.

What is wrong with these doctors? Do they care that much about a stupid win? I know his parents will say yes. They are so consumed with making Jake happy at this point that they won’t be able to see past that, and he knows it.

“It sounds really dangerous. What if you get hurt?”

He drops his hand from mine along with his smile. “So what? Then I do.” He’s more defensive than I expected. “I don’t need to remind you that I just got out of the hospital, Dani, so I’m pretty sure we know exactly what that would be like. Plus, worse case, I get to see Marcus again.”

I think it’s a horrible joke, but my eyes are locked on his, and I see he’s serious, which scares me even more.