In Ecstasy (12 page)

Glenn stopped at an ATM and I withdrew two hundred bucks. I gave him the money. Es cost forty bucks each, so I figured I'd just bought myself five.

We parked outside a large block of old apartments and I followed Glenn up cracked concrete steps to his flat. The lounge was small and stuffy and dark. Through an archway I saw the tiny kitchen, every bench loaded with dirty dishes and empty wrappers and cartons. There was the smell of greasy bacon fat mixed with weed and stale cigarettes in the air. Through another doorway I saw a bedroom, with crumpled and balled-up clothes on the floor.

Glenn had left his mates to get me and they were still there when we got back, sitting on a torn couch with their feet resting on a battered wooden chest among half-empty beer bottles and overflowing ashtrays. One of them looked up at me but no one said anything. Loud music thumped out of huge speakers. There were lava lamps circulating gigantic blobs of viscous pink liquid up and down inside their watery centres, and party lights, tiny flashing blue-and- silver bulbs that winked and blinked.

Glenn disappeared into his bedroom and I stood awkward and uncomfortable, pretending to be interested in the flashing lights. To my relief he came back soon, carrying a plastic bag with five pills in it. He gave me two, took two himself and put the other one in his pocket. I was surprised but didn't say anything. I figured what goes around comes around; I'd had plenty of freebies before. No big deal.

Twenty minutes later I felt the E taking effect. It was a familiar, welcome feeling and I embraced it. Instantly I became confident and started talking to Glenn. The other guys eventually left but Glenn and I were too deep in conversation to pay them any attention. We talked about Lewis and Tower and then he told me about his feelings for me.

‘You know, Mia, the first time I laid eyes on you I thought you were beautiful.'

I laughed. ‘I bet you say that to all the girls.'

‘Nah, it's true. You're a special person.'

Our eyes locked and I couldn't break away. We sat for an eternity staring into each other's eyes. And the most amazing thing happened. His face began to morph and change into different people. Not people I knew, but strangers, hundreds of strangers. In his irises, I watched the core of humanity swirl by. I saw the history of the world: past, present and future. We were all a part of each other's existence. I belonged to a universal consciousness.

‘It's amazing,' he said finally.

I nodded my head, awed by the special thing we'd just shared, then I lost myself in the happiness of being back where I belonged.

I stayed the night at Glenn's, and he dropped me home at six, before Mum got in.

I rang Mia's mobile, but it went to message bank. What I wanted to say couldn't be left as a recording, or a text, so I waited to see her at school the next morning.

It was difficult to sleep that night, imagining the conversation we might have. And when I awoke it was with an awareness that something important was going to happen. I felt slightly nervous, but happy too at the idea of turning everything around.

I waited outside her homeroom but she didn't come. I waited until the first siren sounded and the verandahs were deserted before I legged it to my own class.

At recess I went to the maths building. She was a small crouched figure sitting on the ground staring at the sand when I rounded the corner.

‘Hi,' I said, nervous that she might tell me to piss off or something. She looked up slowly. She looked tired and kind of sad.

‘Hi,' she said flatly.

The conversation I'd rehearsed all night was already unravelling. I hadn't expected this. The day before she'd seemed wistful, nostalgic even.

‘Whatchya doing?' I didn't want to give up immediately. I'd done enough of that.

‘Nothing,' she said, looking at me blankly. It was like all the life had drained out of her. What on earth could've happened between last night and now?

‘Have you forgotten what today is?' I asked.

She squinted and assessed me before flicking her eyes away. ‘Happy birthday, Soph.'

It was so wrong but I couldn't give up. ‘I miss you, Mia.' She wasn't looking at me, she was just staring at the ground and drawing in the sand with a stick. ‘I hate the way things are.' She wouldn't look up. ‘And I owe you an apology.'

‘Yeah?' Finally she looked at me.

‘I blamed you for everything going wrong, but it was my fault too. I lied to you and I'm so sorry.' I didn't want to cry but she was making this so hard. Why wouldn't she give me some response? Something, anything, would be better than this silence. ‘I lied about so many things, right from the beginning of last year. I've never done it with anyone. Ever. I made that up, everything. I don't know why.' Tears streamed down my cheeks. I wanted to hug her and feel some warmth. ‘I'm so sorry.'

‘Is that it?' She shrugged. ‘So what?'

‘Yeah, no, I...' I was stunned by her response. I don't know what the hell I'd been expecting, but it definitely wasn't this. I thought she'd jump at the chance to make up and be friends again. I thought she'd care that I was sorry. I was wrong. ‘Yeah, well, I just thought I'd tell you that. And say hi. So, hi and well, see you then.'

‘See ya,' she said, head down, drawing in the sand again.

And I didn't have to look at the drawing to know that it would be some drug icon. It was so bloody obvious what had happened.

I was dreading my report. My big drop in marks would be glaringly obvious and then there'd be heaps of explaining to do. But it was just impossible to concentrate. My brain wouldn't focus for any length of time, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't even keep my attention on TV. I'd have to get up and walk around. At school I'd sit listening to my iPod, to the music that took me back to the weekends. Music was the only thing I could focus on. I wanted to write it all down in a diary, but I was terrified of Mum finding it and reading it. I wouldn't put it past her to go through my things, which was why I was so careful about hiding stuff, like my Es and weed.

It was getting to be a real pain with Mum, and Jordie too. I couldn't relate to them on any level. We didn't connect. Each day brought me closer to the weekend where I belonged. Not that I did Es every night of the weekend, I couldn't afford to. But knowing I'd be back in that zone made the week bearable.

Most of the time Mum and I would pass in the kitchen. I'd leave the fridge door open and she'd kick it shut. I'd go straight to my room after dinner. I was starting to feel paranoid around her. I didn't like the way she watched me, like she was on the verge of saying something.

I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking juice when I heard her footsteps. I jumped up quickly to leave the room but she leaned in the doorway, looking at me. Glenn had been around a few times to pick me up and she didn't like him. That much was obvious.

‘Tell me, what happened between you and Lewis?' she finally asked.

‘It just ended,' I said, irritated. I didn't want to discuss my life. She still had no idea about Tower.

‘He seemed like such a nice boy.'

I felt like laughing. She was so shallow, judging Glenn by his appearance, his crappy car, his lack of a job, but he wasn't so different from Lewis. In fact, really he was more honest because he didn't hide behind some bullshit image.

‘Glenn seems...' she paused, ‘a little old for you.'

‘He's only nineteen.'

‘But you're not sixteen yet,' she said crossly.

I sighed heavily. Why did she always have to get on at me? ‘Four weeks Mum. In four weeks I will be and then I'll be able to leave here if I want,' I threatened. I hated the way she tried to control me.

‘Mia, what's got into you?' Her tone had changed. The anger had gone and she sounded sad.

‘You,' I shouted. ‘Now I know why Dad left. You were always trying to tell him what to do too.' I got up and pushed past her. I didn't want to see her face; I knew she'd be crying. But why wouldn't she leave me alone? I didn't question her about where she went and what she did.

After that, every morning she would corner and interrogate me. I didn't know why she was showing this sudden interest in my life, but I didn't like it. Too late, Mum, I wanted to scream at her.

A couple of days later it was, ‘I haven't seen Sophie for a long time.'

‘Yeah.' My best response, I found, was to give monosyllabic replies.

‘Did you two have a fight?'

‘Mmm.' I pretended to read a magazine.

‘But you've been best friends forever.' She pulled out a chair and sat down. She was starting to really get to me. Back off, Mum.

‘People change,' I snapped. ‘You should know that.'

‘Mia, is everything all right?' she asked suddenly.

‘Yep,' I said. My brain was racing. She was making me nervous. Had she found something?

‘You haven't seemed happy lately.' She reached across and touched my hand.

I almost snorted. I'd never been so happy in my entire life. Well, not here in this house, with the interrogator, but when I was at Glenn's I was truly happy.

‘I'm fine, Mum. Look, I've got to go. I'll be late for school.'

I got up to leave. She was watching me so intently I felt kind of freaked out.

‘You know I love you,' she said.

It sounded so bizarre and unnatural that I hid my face and almost ran out of the room.

I'd told myself I wouldn't touch pills on weeknights. It was hard enough to get up for school as it was. But a weird thing was happening. I was getting more and more depressed. Mum's new interest was making me paranoid and jittery, and even when I was rolling I couldn't shake those negative feelings. It worried me. I felt like I was losing the inner peace that ecstasy gave me.

After Mum's declaration of love I didn't want to go home. I was sure she was onto something. I didn't know what, but I could feel a deep and meaningful conversation coming on and I wanted to avoid it.

So I went to Glenn's after school. It was the same scene as usual, a couple of other people sitting around, chilling out. I guess I was pretty naive, but it had taken me a while to figure out that Glenn was a dealer. All the ‘mates' that dropped by were either scoring or dealing. The lighting was always dim, the party lights flashing and the music loud. Anything was available at Glenn's: GHB, LSD, ice and heroin—gear I found scary. I had a handle on Es and coke—weed didn't even count—but I didn't want to progress any further.

Even though Glenn was my boyfriend now, nothing was free. He'd give me the occasional one but most of the time I bought my own stuff. He had to pay his supplier too. My savings were nearly gone, and that worried me. When the money ran out, what would I do?

So this was my frame of mind when I decided not to go home from school. Glenn was happy to see me, which wasn't always the case when I lobbed up unannounced. He was in a generous mood, and when he offered me a freebie, even though it was a Wednesday night, I didn't hesitate. I wanted something to lift my blackness.

I was chilling out when Mum rang my mobile at about six, sounding totally frantic. ‘Where are you?' she demanded.

‘At Glenn's,' I said simply.

‘It's a school night, Mia.' She was completely pissed off. But the E had kicked in and I was feeling mellow so I tried to reason with her.

‘I'll be home by ten,' I said, knowing it was untrue.

‘I'm coming to get you,' she said angrily. ‘What's the address?'

The idea of her knowing where he lived frightened me. ‘If you come here,' I threatened, ‘I'll run away and you won't ever see me again.'

She was waiting for me in the kitchen when I got home early on Thursday morning. ‘We need to talk,' she said firmly. So much for avoiding things. ‘You're out of control, Mia.'

I shrugged.

‘You're fifteen,' she said sadly, ‘too young to stay out at night and do whatever you want to do.'

I crossed my arms watching her. She was such a small person, scurrying around wiping bench tops. Her whole object in life was to tell me what to do—when it suited her. And when she wanted to be free of me, I was old enough to stay home alone. I despised her with a passion. Her mouth kept moving,
blah, blah, blah.
I wished she'd shut up but she went on, her hands waving, her eyes filled with tears, and it was suddenly amusing. She was this funny insular little creature, with lots to say about nothing.

‘I don't even like this boy Glenn. He's too old for you. Why can't he get a girl his own age? What he's doing is illegal and I could have him arrested.'

Those words jolted me. What did she know about Glenn? Who'd told her? She was quiet, waiting for a response, sensing that her words had struck home. But then I realised she wasn't talking about drugs—she was talking about sex. Her despicable little threat was about reporting him for having sex with a minor. Hatred for her engulfed me, this boring little woman with her narrow, shallow ideas.

‘You hypocrite,' I spat venomously. She'd been fifteen when she started having sex. She told me so herself, back in the days when we had those mother – daughter talks where she was preparing me for the future. ‘If you ever do anything like that I'll never speak to you again,' I warned. ‘Ever.'

I turned and walked out of the room. Inwardly I was shaking, surprised by the things I'd felt and said. We were heading into dangerous territory. Something was about to give.

She followed me to my room, like a dog with a bone.

‘You're not going out this weekend,' she said, standing in my doorway, hands on hips. ‘You're grounded.'

She was so pathetic. She nearly made me laugh.

‘Yeah, right, just try it.'

‘I mean it, Mia.' The strain of trying not to shout made her visibly vibrate. ‘You're not going anywhere this weekend, or the next.'

‘You can't stop me.' Who did she think she was? Interfering control freak. ‘Stop trying to ruin my life.'

‘I'm your mother, whether you like it or not.' She was shouting now, completely losing it. And then she held her hand up to stop me walking through the door. ‘I can stop you—I have the law on my side.'

She was a bully and a coward. I hated her!

‘Get out of my way.' I knocked her arm away. I'm taller than she is, and stronger I reckon.

‘Mia, don't.' She grabbed at me.

‘Let go of me,' I snarled at her. ‘I hate you. Let go of me.' I shrugged out of her grip and then shoved her hard into the doorframe.

She slapped me. The sound of it resonated like an echo. My cheek stung. I was shocked. In all my life my mother has never hit me.

‘Fuck off,' I spat at her. She looked horrified and was crying too. ‘You can't make me stay.' I pushed past her, grabbed my bag and ran out the door.

At Glenn's I had to drop a pill to calm down. I needed to zone out. Chill. Later, I tried to explain to him what happened.

‘Fuck, Mia. She'll come here,' he said, looking around.

‘No, she won't. She doesn't know where you live.'

‘Are you going back?'

‘No way.' I knew I couldn't stay at Glenn's. She'd have him charged for sex with a minor if I moved in. That was the sort of vindictive thing she'd do to get back at me. ‘I'm going to ring my dad.'