In Search of Lucy (16 page)

Was it a coincidence that Rick happened to be cooking Lucy’s favorite dinner, spaghetti? Either way, it didn’t matter. Lucy’s stomach was filled with Caesar salad, pasta, and one too many pieces of garlic bread. The way Lucy and Anne were scarfing down the food, Rick and Katie probably wondered how long it had been since these two girls had a decent meal. And of course Lucy didn’t question the glass of red wine that had been placed in front of each seat. Rick must have been reading her mind when he spoke up about it.

“I used to be a big-time beer lover, but we’re a red wine house now. A good dry red actually has little or no sugar. So the health benefits are worth it…for both of us.” He looked at Katie, and the pair exchanged a loving smile.

Sounds good to me,
Lucy thought to herself.

Dinner conversation revolved mostly around the trip there and discussions on the differences and similarities between Texas and California. The topics of the surgeries, and Lucy and Katie’s past, were tiptoed around like landmines. There was also little talk about Katie’s health, mainly because Katie herself kept skirting around the subject.

At one point Anne had asked her how she was feeling. Lucy could tell Katie’s response was only somewhat accurate since Carly was listening intently at that point. She said she’d had some setbacks lately, but had been feeling pretty good that day. Of course she wouldn’t bore them with the history and details of her illness. Maybe later, once they had settled in and they all got to know each other better.

Lucy couldn’t help but to wonder about that. As she sat there listening to random stories about Carly as a baby or Rick and his dad’s business, she felt like she was sitting across from strangers. That person, that little girl she once knew, was buried beneath the years, the experiences, and the burdens. Whereas Lucy felt like she was frozen in time, still stuck to that old life. How was Katie able to move on? How did she so easily leave and never look back? The answer was clear: Carly.

After everyone was finished eating, they remained at the table, except for Carly, for another half hour. She ran back and forth from various rooms in the house, proudly showing her aunt the things that were most important to her. First, there was Betty Bear, dressed all in pink, including matching shoes and purse. Next was a picture she’d drawn in class of her and her grandpa. She explained that they were supposed to draw a special person in their life.

“My papa is the most specialest person I know,” she added, handing the paper to Lucy.

“What a beautiful picture. I like to draw too.”

“I know, my mommy told me. I like to paint like you too. And guess what else?”

“What?”

“You get to see my papa tomorrow.”

“I do?” Lucy looked over at Katie for confirmation.

“I hope you girls don’t mind,” Rick put in. “My dad really wanted to take us all out to dinner.”

“No, it’s fine,” Lucy said.

“Not at all,” Anne added. “That would be nice.”

“He wanted to meet you, both of you,” Katie said. “And there’s this restaurant, Guadalajara’s. They have the best Mexican food.”

Lucy and Anne looked at each other, smiled, and in unison replied, “Sounds great.”

Carly continued her commuting to and from the dining room, but after about three more interruptions to the adult conversation, Katie stopped Carly and wrapped her arms around her daughter.

“Why don’t you show Aunt Lucy some more stuff tomorrow, okay? Now go get your jammies on and you can watch one show.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

As she ran down the hallway she yelled, “I can show Lucy my Tinkerbell nightgown, too!”

Katie apologized for Carly’s complete bombardment of Lucy and explained how excited Carly had been the last few days before they arrived.

“You’ll see soon enough how stubborn Carly can be,” Rick added, getting up from the table. “Don’t anybody move. This was my meal, and I’m taking care of the dishes too.” He stacked a couple of plates together and carried them over to the counter next to the sink.

Katie must have noticed that both Anne and Lucy had that look of obligation and were just about to say something. “Don’t even try to help him. He’s just as stubborn as Carly. That’s where she gets it from.”

“Hey, don’t blame me, it’s my dad’s fault,” Rick shot back.

Rick and Katie swapped smiles and laughed, and then Katie said, “You’re probably right.” To Lucy and Anne she said, “They’re very close. George helps out quite a bit with Carly, so they spend a lot of time together.”

“That must be nice.” Lucy heard her own voice come out sounding empty, but it was too late to stop it. Then she saw Rick and Katie glance awkwardly at each other, so she took a breath and added in a more positive tone, “She’s a very lucky little girl.”

Anne made the first move to change the subject. “Well, thanks so much for dinner. I’m so stuffed. It was really good though.” Anne got up sluggishly from the table like she was carrying a heavy load on her back. “I promised my aunt I’d give her a call, so I think I’ll go do that, maybe read a bit before bed.” She had packed a couple of books from the nursing program, but she hadn’t even had a chance to think about them while on the road.

Realizing that was the perfect opportunity for Katie and Lucy to talk, Rick insisted they head to the den while he did the dishes and kept an eye on Carly.

Lucy took a seat on the only spot to sit in the den—a small brown leather couch. She thought the room looked like it was fighting to find its identity. It had probably started out as some sort of office, but the older Carly got, the more it transformed to meet her needs. There was a weak looking black desk with an old HP desktop in the corner of the room. Next to that were a couple of black cases that held DVDs and a few old VHS tapes. All the way in the closet from her view she noticed there was a child’s easel standing next to a small wooden tray that held art supplies. It kept her gaze and gave her a feeling of contentment.

“I know.” Katie must have read her mind. “It’s pretty cool, huh? I was never an artist like you, but Carly’s a natural. And she just loves it.”

She joined Lucy on the couch, turning her body sideways and cranking a knee up on the cushion. That’s when Lucy saw it. It was startling at first, but she realized instantly what it was sticking out from beneath Katie’s top. A thin, clear plastic tube, casually hanging there like earphones from an iPod. She imagined something like that would become second nature, but that it also had to be a constant reminder to Katie that her body needed help. Katie relied on the insulin pump to keep her feeling like she could lead a somewhat normal life. It gave her freedom.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lucy asked when Katie realized what she was looking at.

That simple question alone caused Katie’s eyes to well up. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know how or why any of this happened the way it did. You were everything to me growing up, and then suddenly, I didn’t have you anymore.”

“That’s because you left, Katie.” Lucy looked away, ensuring she wouldn’t be swayed by Katie’s tears. That was who she was, and she wanted to have her say. “You made that choice.”

“I’m sorry, Lucy. I know I’m the one who made the decision to leave, but I honestly felt like it was my only choice at the time.”

“You could have stayed…with me. I could have helped you.”

“C’mon, Lucy, let’s be honest. Would you really have wanted me there? Me and a baby to take care of?”

“Yes.” She turned back and was looking straight at Katie now. “Of course I wanted you there. I took care of you, and I could have taken care of Carly too.”

“But it wasn’t your responsibility. It was mine…and Rick’s. If it wasn’t for him, I’d—”

Lucy stopped her by putting a hand on her knee. She could see the emotions building up in Katie and knew it wasn’t good for her. Besides that, she was beginning to wonder if maybe it wasn’t that Katie had left, but how she left and never looked back. “I can see he’s taken good care of the two of you. That’s all that matters now. We should just leave all this behind, at least for now, and focus on what’s ahead of us.”

Katie grasped Lucy’s hand. “No. There’s something else I have to say to you. I do think I made the right decision back then. But…I know the way I left hurt you.”

Lucy couldn’t find the words to respond. She was hurt, but she wanted to let it go. To be free from it all.

“I was immature and ungrateful, and I will never forgive myself for how I treated you, especially after all you did for me, Lucy. For that…I’m really sorry.”

All Lucy could say was, “I know.” She was confused. She thought about when Katie first left. She was hurtful, but it was more than that. Katie wasn’t just leaving Lucy, she was leaving Lucy to deal with their mother. Alone. It was the first time Lucy realized her own selfishness. With Katie by her side, she’d had the strength and motivation to make things bearable at home. She was strong for Katie. Once Katie was gone, Lucy’s whole mentality changed, and every day was a struggle. The impact of that insight cranked her heartbeat way up. Her natural fighting instinct kicked in, and she fought back the tears. Instead, she reached out and embraced her sister. “I love you, Katie…and I’m sorry too.”

Clinging to her big sis, Katie replied in a whisper, “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“But I do.” Lucy separated herself from Katie but looked her straight in the eyes. “I was selfish. I didn’t want you to go.”

Katie smiled with understanding.

“But look at you now. You have this beautiful family.” Her voice was convincing and proud. “And Carly. She’s a happy, healthy little girl. You are doing a great job…and you didn’t need any help from me.”

“But I do now, Lucy. You were always there for me when I needed you, and you’re here now.”

“Now…and always, little sis.”

Rick had sure earned his husband points that night. After getting all the dishes into the dishwasher and cleaning the table and counters, he successfully got Carly’s teeth brushed and got her into bed. No matter how much of a daddy’s girl she was, Carly always wanted Katie to brush her teeth and tuck her in first. Rick told her she would be helping her mommy a lot if she let him do it this time. He knew Katie would be exhausted and would appreciate swapping bedtime roles with him.

Rick was the one who usually sat on the couch when it was bedtime and yelled, “Let me know when I’m up.” Which meant he basically wanted to fly in for a quick hug and a kiss when all the logistical stuff was done. There was the last-minute potty trips, the drinks, arrangement of stuffed animals, and whatever else Carly could think of to prolong the inevitable. This wouldn’t be the first time Rick had to take over, though. Carly was quite mature for her age, and she was well aware of the fact that sometimes her mommy wasn’t feeling well enough to do all things she needed and wanted.

Rick read Carly a couple of her favorite stories in bed while they waited for Katie to come in. With his elbows rested on the bed, Rick leaned against Carly’s bed on his knees. Exhaustion from the day was starting to run down through his entire body, and he fought to stay awake. A few times his eyelids drooped and he slurred his words. Carly shook his shoulder with both hands and yelled, “Daddy! Stay awake.” Thankfully, Katie walked in just as he was finishing the second book because he knew he wouldn’t make it through another.

“Thank goodness. Mommy’s here.” Rick got up and gave his girl one last kiss on the forehead. “You’re my special girl, right?”

“Yep.”

To Katie he said, “You okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Katie grabbed Rick’s hand and gave it a squeeze before he walked out of the room, shutting the light off. Then she turned and smiled at Carly. She could barely make out her face with the faded light shining in from the hallway.

“Mommy, come cuddle with me.”

Katie climbed in behind Carly’s little body to form a perfect spoon formation. She kissed her hair and took in the beautiful scent of her daughter. “I’m only staying for a couple of minutes,” she whispered. Katie knew if she didn’t put that out there up front that Carly would ask for more and more time until she eventually got Katie to stay until she was fast asleep.

“Were you and Aunt Lucy fighting?”

“No honey. We were just talking.”

“You guys sounded like you were mad at each other.”

Katie rubbed Carly’s back. “Shhh.” She didn’t want Carly to think about unhappy things before she went to bed. She and Rick had worked hard to keep things positive in their home, especially during the rough times. “Everything’s fine. It’s time to go to sleep.”

“Should we try to meet in our dreams tonight?”

That was something they had been saying to her for years. It helped Carly to sleep, thinking about being with her parents in her dream, and feeling safe there too.

“I’ll meet you there. Now close your eyes and go to sleep.”

Carly’s eyes blinked rapidly, fighting it off, and then after a few moments, her lids floated shut.

“Sweet dreams, honey pie,” Katie whispered.

A pillow propped behind her back, Anne sat up reading a thick textbook. Lucy didn’t want to disturb her, but she also didn’t want to talk. She was spent and just wanted to go to sleep.

“Hi,” Anne said, glancing up from her book.

“Hey.” Lucy plopped down on her dorm-style bed, aiming for the center. She was used to having a bigger bed and wasn’t looking forward to sleeping in one lane.

“Everything okay?” Anne didn’t look up this time, making it easier for Lucy.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Actually, it’s kinda like you said before. Everything’s
going
to be okay. I feel…better about things for some reason.”

“See…that’s great. By the way, I texted Benny because I tried to call Chad.” She made a face and tilted her head to the side. “His phone was disconnected.”

“Bummer. Must have been his stepdad.”

“It was, but Benny said everything’s fine. They’ll stay at his cousin’s house until Monday and leave Tuesday morning. He also said that his family is calling Chad
hermanito
.”

“What’s that?”

“Little brother.”

“Like they need another one of those.”

Anne laughed and continued looking through her book. Lucy grabbed a pillow, hugged it close, and sat replaying her talk with Katie in her brain. After a minute or two, she reached down to a bag that was next to the bed and pulled out the laptop. She’d planned on calling Kyle when they arrived, like she’d promised him, but everything seemed to happen so fast. It was too late now, and after her conversation with Katie, she really didn’t feel like talking. She’d send him an e-mail instead. Plus, she didn’t want to know if he was not home on a Friday night. The truth was that she had been thinking of him more and more lately. It didn’t matter that he continued to call, text, and e-mail her. She was insecure and starting to worry that eventually he’d move on. They all did.

She opened her e-mail and started a new message.

Then something hit her. She remembered that Anne had used the computer last to check her e-mail, but now it showed that she was offline. Should she go online and see if Kyle was online too? It was a chance to see how the instant messaging worked. That would be a good excuse. She clicked herself online, but didn’t check for Kyle. She remembered instead that she told Amy she would send her contact information and let her know she’d arrived. Amy had gotten a temp for Lucy’s position and promised to hold her job as long as she kept Amy updated. Lucy sent off a quick message to Amy, then began researching and reading about her sister’s illness. Halfway through an article on insulin pumps, the bottom right corner of the screen flashed. It was an IM from Kyle.

Hi!

Hey.

How are you? Are you there yet?

We’re here. Sorry I didn’t call you.

It’s okay. Should I give you a call right now?

No. We got here around dinnertime. The house is quiet now, and I’m sitting here next to my new roomie.

Tell Anne I said hi. How’s your sister?

Pretty good. We’ve talked a little too.

That’s good.

So, all alone on a Friday night, huh?
Her heart skipped a beat as she stared at the blinking cursor, waiting for his reply. She had an idea what it would be, but she wanted confirmation. She needed to know that he wanted to be with her.

I’m not alone…I’m with you.

Oh, what should we do?

I can think of a few things.

Really?

Seriously, I’ve been thinking about you a lot.

That was exactly what Lucy wanted to hear, and now she knew he wanted to hear the same from her. It would be a lot easier than saying it in person. She knew she had to stop keeping him at arm’s length. It wasn’t fair. But then again, it wouldn’t be fair to lead him on either. To let him think they had a chance, when the odds were against them. It seemed to be an impossible situation. But Lucy found herself wishing it wasn’t. Hoping it wouldn’t be.

I’ve been thinking about you too.

Good. What are you doing tomorrow?

What? He couldn’t possibly be asking to see her. The thought of being with Kyle brought her back to their night on the beach. That beautiful, perfect night that she wished would never end.

Hanging out here, shopping, going out to dinner. Why?

I want to talk to you. Can you pencil me into your busy agenda and call me?

When?

Anytime. Call my cell. I’ll be waiting.

Okay. Goodnight.

Sweet dreams, Lucy.

A good thirty minutes later, Lucy was still awake staring at the ceiling. Anne was breathing heavily, and there wasn’t a sound outside their bedroom door. She was sure everyone was asleep. The more she thought about needing to fall asleep, the harder it became to relax. At first it was just the excitement of thinking about Kyle. But she knew now that it was something totally different. It happened often at home, her insomnia. Except there she had the freedom, and the resources, to take care of it. Knowing she would continue to struggle well into the early morning, she eased out of her bed and quickly crept out of the room. She knew ahead of time exactly where to go and what to look for. Luckily for her, Rick had to open a second bottle of wine to give Anne and himself a second glass.

Guided by the dome light above the stove, Lucy made it to the kitchen, avoiding any obstacles. Reminding herself that Rick did point out that a little wine was actually good for you, she grabbed the bottle from the back counter and quietly edged the cork out. Now she just needed to remember which cupboard housed the wineglasses. For a second she did contemplate drinking straight from the bottle. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about the evidence of the glass sitting in the sink the next morning. Why did she feel the need to justify it?
Just find the damn glasses and stop feeling guilty,
she scolded herself.

“They’re in the one above the microwave.”

The whispered voice shot her heart to her throat and had her arms flailing around, just skimming across the top of the wine bottle. It teetered and tilted like a bowling pin, but Lucy quickly grasped and settled it.

“Rick!” Her voice was quiet but strained. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I think we both had the same idea.” He walked over to her, reached across to open the cupboard, and pulled out two wineglasses. “Trouble sleeping?”

“Yeah. It’s just hard for me to get used to sleeping somewhere different,” she lied.

Rick poured them each half a glass of wine, then picked one up and handed it to Lucy. It seemed oddly intimate with the lighting and what they were doing so late at night.

“Lucy, I hope you don’t think we would ever judge you.” It was as though he could read the guilt in her eyes, like she had been caught cheating. “We’re all so grateful you’re here.”

Lucy tried to think of an appropriate response. What could she say?
Thanks, me too, too bad it wasn’t someone better.
Nothing seemed to fit, so she just took a sip of her wine and smiled. Rick walked across to the pantry door and put his hand on the knob.

“Take a look at this,” he said, opening the door.

Taped to the back of the door was a piece of paper. Lucy saw that it was one of Carly’s drawings, but she couldn’t make it out in that lighting, so she walked toward it. It looked like a drawing of Rick, Katie, and Carly holding hands. Just to make sure Rick said, “That’s us,” pointing to the picture. Then on the side there was another woman with her hand out, reaching out to the other three. She was holding a heart in her hand. Above all of them was written,
Our hero, Aunt Lucy!

“I think that about says it all, don’t you?”

Thankful for the shadows, Lucy felt her eyes moisten as she stared at the picture. Rick gave her a soft tap on the back as he walked past her and out of the kitchen.

“Good night.”