In the Line of Duty (12 page)

“Don’t say that. Sure, it’s something,” she said, and her tone was fierce. Matt glanced up in surprise. “It’s everything. You do what you can, Matt. Look at Aldo. He’s so much better off now.”

The dog nudged Matt’s hand with his head. Aldo’s eyes were soulful, and Matt wondered if his buddy understood what was going on here. He stroked the dog’s head gently. “He is. He’s my friend. But I still wish—” He cut himself off. Wishing he’d detained the boy for ten extra minutes didn’t do any good. Who could say it would have made a difference?

Callie moved over and rested her hand on his thigh. “I know you do. But you can’t know what’s going to happen all the time. You can’t blame yourself. That’s not fair.”

He reached out and touched her hair. Her eyes were luminous, and all he wanted to do was lose himself in her. “I’m working on it.” That was all he could say before he leaned in and kissed her. As soon as his mouth touched hers, he knew.

He was lost.

* * *

Callie couldn’t get the whole thing with Matt out of her head the next day. She really didn’t understand how he could put himself in danger like that, just for kicks. Yes, it was his job, but it was still for fun. He chose to do what he did. The result was he would put himself at risk each time he went on one of those tours. Brice had gotten hurt, and that hit just a touch too close to home.

Of course, this wasn’t Afghanistan. After being in a war zone, dealing with what he had, maybe this stuff seemed like child’s play to Matt. Her heart ached for him, for the loss that had finally broken him. He’d seen enough death and destruction to last him for several lifetimes, she knew. He carried it with him, and it was symbolized in Aldo. Matt couldn’t save them all, but he could save this one lonely, scared, injured dog.

Running rapids and riding trails seemed to pale in comparison. No wonder he couldn’t see where she was coming from. So they were at an impasse of sorts, and Callie didn’t know how to get past it. If it was possible to do so or if she even wanted to. Did she want him around her boys if he made those kinds of decisions on a day-to-day basis?

Because she was facing the possibility that she might have feelings for Matt—and since she’d already kissed him three times, including last night’s short and sweet one, she couldn’t deny that to herself any longer. Callie sat in the bedroom of her empty house. Regardless of how this situation with Matt turned out, it was time to take off her rings. She’d come over here to do it, because she needed to be alone. This was a moment she’d been dreading, in a way, but she knew it was time. Probably past time, really. With a deep breath, she slid her rings off and turned them in the late afternoon sunlight that streamed through the window. They represented so much love and joy and potential, pain and sorrow and loss. But with her growing feelings for Matt—whatever they were, whatever she did with them, they weren’t going away—she couldn’t justify wearing the rings any longer. It was wrong to hide behind Jason’s memory, just because she was afraid of what the future might have in store for her.

He wouldn’t have understood that. He’d always gone full bore after what he wanted, her included.

The diamond winked in the light and she smiled a little, remembering how thrilled she’d been when Jason had proposed. And she wouldn’t have traded those years for anything. Even knowing how it might end, she’d jumped in with both feet and embraced their lives together. She’d been aware of the dangers. Jason had been up front about his job from the beginning. Had she simply been young and foolish, to think it wouldn’t go the way it had? Or was it an innate part of her personality that she was now suppressing?

When had she lost that ability? When she’d lost Jason, that part of her had been buried under the stress and grief. But was it completely obliterated? If so, she knew there was no way to make it work with Matt.

She turned the rings around again. Callie had Jason’s wedding ring, too. Maybe she could have them melted down and made into some kind of charm? Representative of her marriage and loss and love. Somehow, if things progressed with Matt, she knew he wouldn’t mind that. It seemed fitting.

She didn’t know yet if she was ready to take that step forward with Matt. If she ever would be. She had a lot to figure out when it came to him and his choices and her comfort zones. For now, removing the rings was as big a step as she could handle.

She padded across the floor and opened her jewelry box. Jason’s ring lay in there, and she pulled it out, feeling its weight. He hadn’t worn it on the job, but always had it on when he wasn’t working. She dropped it in her palm with her own rings and closed her fingers over them, feeling the bite of the diamond and the cool metal of Jason’s ring. She kissed her closed hand and put all the rings in the box together.

She stood for a moment, feeling a little sad, sure, but as if she’d done the right thing by taking them off. Knowing it was time—however it worked out, or didn’t, with Matt. She touched the box and left the room. After Jason’s death, people had told her life went on. Callie hadn’t believed them at the time, but they were right.

She left her little house to walk over to Colleen’s and get the boys. Her newly naked hand felt exposed, and she was sure she’d keep feeling for the rings for a while. But she’d adjust.

Now she just had to figure out what to do about Matt. She didn’t know if she could fully accept what he did for a living, yet it wasn’t fair to ask him to change because of her issues.

CHAPTER TWELVE

“M
OM
! L
OOK
!” E
LI
called out later that evening as she got home from a trip to the store. It took her a full second to realize his voice was coming from near the middle of the medium-size maple tree in Matt’s side yard. Her heart seized and she gasped. She was out of her van so fast she didn’t even get the keys out of the ignition.

“Eli Marshall! Get down from there this instant!” Matt was there, right there, but Eli was
in the tree
. If he fell, he could get hurt. How could Matt let him do that? All her decisions to be rational about Matt and his lifestyle went out the window as soon as she spotted her baby in a tree. A tree!

Eli pushed his lower lip out, the look of delight gone, replaced with mutiny. “No. I don’t wanna come down. You never let me climb a tree.”

“Callie—” Matt started, but she cut him off. She couldn’t take her eyes off her boy in the tree.

“I don’t let you climb trees because it isn’t safe, Eli. That’s a very good reason.” Without removing her eyes from her son, she said to Matt, “Get him down. Now.” The fury, the fear—part of her knew it was out of proportion, since Eli was only a few feet off the ground. But Matt knew how she felt about risks, and this was a huge one
he’d taken with her child
.

She thought she was going to be sick. “Eli—”

“Come here, Eli,” Matt said calmly, reaching for the boy, who actually scrambled even higher out of reach. The branches creaked and bowed, but held him. Callie gasped and her hands flew to her mouth. Eli had always been a monkey. She and Jason had been fishing him off high ground since he’d figured out how to climb. How had she forgotten that?

“Eli,” she cried. “Come down from there. Now!”

Matt never took his eyes off Eli, but spoke to Callie, his voice low and measured, which infuriated her more. How could he be so calm when she was so freaked out? “You’re not helping, Callie.”

Oh.
She sucked in a breath sharply. Of course, he was probably right, but it stung to hear it. She couldn’t help this panic, this fear.
What if something happened? What if Eli got hurt?
She’d never be able to live with herself. She’d been right to protect them from this kind of thing. From people who allowed it.

She crossed her arms over her chest and stood, eyes burning with unshed tears, as Eli sent her angry looks. Matt never glanced her way, but kept his gaze on her boy, his voice low and calm and firm. Eli relented finally, and Callie thought she’d collapse with relief when he let Matt reach up and pluck him from the tree.

“Here, buddy, you can go to your mom,” Matt said, and tried to set the boy on the ground. But Eli shook his head as Callie reached for him. He wrapped his arms and legs around Matt and hung on.

“Wanna stay with you,” he mumbled, and sent his mom a fierce look. She sucked in a gasp, his rejection stinging like a slap. Matt touched the back of Eli’s head, sent her an apologetic look and inclined his head toward the house. Callie stood frozen in the front yard as the big man carried her angry little boy inside. He looked like a dad.

That fueled her anger. He wasn’t their dad. He’d said he would watch them, keep them safe for twenty minutes, and instead he’d let Eli climb a tree. A tree! Who let a five-year-old climb a tree?

Realizing how foolish she looked standing in the yard with her mouth open, she snapped it shut, retrieved her keys from her van and marched in after them. Eli was in the bathroom washing up, if the sounds from that direction were any indication. Matt was in the kitchen, leaning on the counter, his face grim.

“We need to talk,” he said.

All she could do was stare at him, her anger, already simmering, bubbling up just below the surface. His tone implied the problem lay with her. He couldn’t have been more wrong. “Yeah, you’re right, we do. But first I’m going to talk to my kid. I’ll deal with you later.”

She turned and walked away before he could say anything.

* * *

Eli was not contrite. Callie was somewhat bemused by this stubborn side of her son, which occasionally reared its head. But today was the first time she’d seen it for an extended period of time.

She tried again. “Honey, it’s dangerous to climb trees. You can get hurt.”

Eli jutted out his chin. “But I didn’t.”

That’s not the point
, Callie wanted to scream. Instead, she sighed. “No. But if you ever do it again, Eli, I will take away your TV and computer privileges.”

He frowned at her. “Why can’t I? I like to climb.”

No argument from her on that front. “I know. But climbing trees isn’t safe. You can fall. You might get up too high. Sometimes branches are dead, and you can’t tell until you put your weight on one and it breaks. I’m trying to make sure you stay safe, honey.”

Eli crossed his arms over his chest. “Matt said that tree was okay. He said I could go a little way up. And he was right there.”

Oh, my.
She exhaled slowly, fully aware of the minefields in that statement. Not to mention Eli had gone more than “
a little way up.”
She tried again. “I know he did. But Matt was wrong to let you climb the tree. He’s not a parent. He didn’t ask me first.”

Did he go against her wishes? Or did he truly think there was no harm in letting Eli climb up a little way? Had she not been clear enough on her feelings about her kids being exposed to things that could hurt them?

“You weren’t here,” Eli pointed out.

“No,” she agreed. “But he should have waited and asked me.” She would have said no, and dealt with the meltdown from Eli, which would have been almost preferable to this stubbornness.

He set his jaw and glanced away. He looked just like a miniature copy of his dad in that moment and Callie wanted to cry. “Why can’t Matt be my dad?”

Of all the things he could have said, that wasn’t one she’d ever considered. She gripped her hands together in her lap so tightly she thought she’d crack her fingers. This conversation had just taken a serious left turn. “Well, because you have a dad.”

“He’s not here. But I know if he was he’d let me climb a tree.” Eli’s face was set in hard lines.

The thing was, Eli was probably right. The thought made Callie feel even worse about her reaction, but Jason wasn’t here because of his dangerous job. “I know your dad isn’t here anymore, but we’re fine, Eli, with just the three of us.”

He just looked at her and her heart sank a little. Of course he wanted a dad. Every kid deserved to have both parents. It killed her she couldn’t give this one thing to her child. “Can I go now?”

She sat back with a sigh. She wasn’t really getting anywhere with this, anyway. She’d not convinced him about the danger of climbing trees, and he’d thrown her for a loop with the wanting-Matt-for-a-dad comment. “Sure.”

He slid off the chair and stomped down the hall to where Liam was playing with cars. Callie leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, her face in her hands. She wanted to scream. Or cry. Or both. How had that gone so badly? Of course Eli couldn’t understand her concern. He was a kid. But Matt—what he’d done was wrong. And she hoped like crazy he hadn’t just overheard Eli say he wanted him for a dad. She’d been crazy to think she could let Matt into their lives. That was just too much, and underscored what she already knew—that it was time to get out of here if she’d have any hope of salvaging her little family and getting it back under her own control. She was the only one who could keep them safe. Matt had just proved that.

She should thank him for stopping this before she got in any deeper.

* * *

Matt went out in the garage, pulling the door shut quietly behind him, his mind reeling. Eli’s words ricocheted in his head.
Why can’t Matt be my dad?

Why not? There were a hundred reasons, too many to count. He wasn’t really father material. Uncle material, sure. He bet he could do uncle pretty well. Not be fully responsible for any of them, but still be in their lives. Help when they needed it, but not step in to fill that crucial father role. Today, when all he’d done was let Eli climb a few feet off the ground in a great climbing tree, he’d proved he wasn’t parent material in Callie’s eyes.

Plus, they were Jason’s kids. How could he want to step in and take his friend’s place? Did he want to? If they weren’t Jason’s, would the answer be different?

It didn’t matter now. Matt definitely wanted things from Callie he had no business wanting. But replacing Jason wasn’t one of them. That was for damn sure.

Matt heard the door from the kitchen open, and when he turned to look, he saw Callie standing there, her beautiful face set in angry lines. His heart sank as he rested one hip on the workbench he’d been staring at. This wasn’t going to go well.

“I don’t let them do things like climb trees,” she said bluntly. “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t, either.”

“I’m sorry, Callie,” he said. “I won’t let him do it again.” Not that he’d have the chance. He’d bet she was gearing up to run even as she stood there. She wasn’t going to give him a chance to be a dad to them, even if he wanted it. Even if the kids wanted it.

“Thank you,” she said stiffly, and turned to go inside.

He cleared his throat. He might as well get it all out, if he’d lost her anyway. “But I think you’re wrong.”

She froze, her hand on the knob. She turned back around, her expression incredulous. “What did you say?”

He met her gaze. He was in this now, for better or worse. “I think you’re taking this too far. You’re a great mom. But your reaction to Eli climbing a little way up a tree today was much too strong. You scared him.”

“As I should have,” she pointed out, her tone cold. “He’s not supposed to do that kind of thing. He could get hurt.” Her expression clearly said this wasn’t something she should have to explain.

Matt forged on. “But he didn’t, Callie. That’s my point. I shouldn’t have let him do it without asking you, and I am sorry for that. But I was right there. He’s a curious, active kid. But you won’t let him be either. Why is that?”

Shock crossed her face as she shook her head. “I’m keeping him safe,” she said. “I’m doing my job as a parent. I’m not trying to stifle him. Or hurt him.”

Matt shook his head. She needed to see exactly what she was doing. “Of course you’re not. But you scared him today. He was having a great time, proud of himself and excited to show you what he’d done, all by himself, and you freaked out.”

She tipped her chin up and her eyes flashed with anger. “Of course I did. I hope he got scared and won’t do it again. I can’t let him take risks like that, Matt. I wouldn’t be a good mom if I let him get hurt. And if he’s mad for a while, well, he’ll get over it.”

Here was a sticking point for Matt. He moved toward her and she stood her ground on the steps. “How are you a bad mom if he does get hurt, Callie? He’s a kid. They get things like bumps and bruises and the occasional broken bone. Kids fall off bikes and get hit by baseballs and trip over toys on the floor in their rooms. Getting banged up is part of growing up. It’s not always under your control. Accidents happen, kids occasionally get hurt, and then they get better again and go back for more.” He stopped in front of her and her position on the step put her at eye level with him. In hers, he saw the anger, the fear. The confusion.

She looked away and crossed her arms firmly over her chest. He continued, “But if you overreact to it, you make it more than it needs to be. It’s fine to be upset he was in the tree. It’s fine to be concerned about his safety. You have every right to be both of those. But maybe you need to make sure you don’t cross the line and push him into doing this stuff on purpose.”

Overreacted? Not really. True, she’d been so focused on what could have happened that she hadn’t really looked at what was actually happening. Matt had been right there, and Eli hadn’t been very high up, true. But it’d been too high for her, and she’d been unable to stop the huge swell of panic that had overtaken her.

So no, it wasn’t an overreaction.

But right now she was angry and hurt and feeling a little betrayed by all of them. The picture of Matt carrying Eli flashed in her mind’s eye. Her angry little boy snuggled in those big, strong arms. As if they’d formed a unit and cut her out. It made her panicky. Things were changing too rapidly and she couldn’t seem to stop any of it. Slow any of it down. What was wrong with doing what you had to, whatever it took, to keep the people you loved safe? Even if it made them unhappy in the short run, it was for their own good. Someday they’d understand.

“He won’t do any of it if I can help it,” she said flatly, and turned to go inside, not bothering to see if Matt followed her or not. His refusal to see her side of it made her a little queasy. Her mom, her friends, all of them said the same thing, and while maybe part of her saw their point, a larger part wasn’t so sure. And until she knew, she couldn’t sort it out.

She turned back around, unable to resist making one last point, since it was all over, anyway. “And this is rich, coming from you. You who take all these dangerous chances for a living. Matt, I don’t want my boys exposed to this stuff. Any of it. It’s not—it’s not okay with me.”

Anger flashed in his eyes. “How is that going to work out? Are you ever going to let them ride a bike, Callie? A skateboard? Play sports?” He must have read the answer on her face because he added, “You can’t control everything about their lives. You can’t stop them from ever getting hurt. That’s my whole point. Don’t you think they should see how to handle this sort of thing responsibly?”

“How is it responsible to let a little kid climb a tree? Or to ride a bike in the mud when you know what can happen?” she hissed back. “Or go white-water rafting? How is it responsible to put yourself on the line like that? In danger? It’s no way to be a role model to little boys.”

Her own words echoed hollowly in her head. Was that really how she saw him? As someone who, willy-nilly, took risks, with no regard to the consequences? Or was it an excuse, a way to put distance between herself and her feelings? Already, to Eli, Matt was a hero. A fatherlike figure. Was she too late to reverse this? She’d gotten involved without meaning to, and look where they’d ended up.