In the Midst of Tribulation (25 page)

Standing like a statue, Jay did not react even when Piper took a hold of her upper arm.
"What's wrong?" Piper asked. The bicep under her fingers was literally thrumming with tension. "Can you answer me? You're starting to scare us."
Jay started to shiver. She looked around, seemingly unable to recognize anything. When Piper waved a hand in front of her face, she flinched away.
"Okay, this is not good." Glancing at Eva, she asked, "Should I leave her alone or what?"
"Maybe she needs to rest?"
"I'll try." She took a hold of Jay's arm. "Why don't you lie down for a bit?" Piper asked as she pulls her toward the couches. She hardly had time to react when Jay dropped bonelessly at her feet. "Fuck me," she exclaimed.
Bending down, she was able to slide her arms under Jay's knees and neck. Piper lifted her up and carried her into the first bedroom. Laying her on the bed, Piper unbuckled her pants and unbuttoned her shirt. Attempting to pull the shirt off, she was stopped by the grip that Jay still had on the package.
She saw that the wrapping had Jay's name and the notation to deliver it to the mountain. Unable to take it away from her, she gave up and pulled a blanket over the still form. On impulse, she leaned over and touched her lips to Jay's cool forehead. Not feeling any sign of fever, she was still concerned but a little less panicked. Deciding there was nothing else for her to do, she rejoined Eva in the living room.
Eva tried to glance over her shoulder into the room. "What do you suppose happened to her?"
"I don't know. There isn't a mark on her, just a book that she didn't have before Josh came back."
Coming in noisily from their picnic, Susan and Martha were shushed by everyone. "What's wrong?"
"Jay's having a meltdown."
"What do you mean?"
"She freaked us out."
"Where is she now?"
"She's in your bedroom."
"How long has she been in there?"
"Not long ago. Did anyone see what he gave her?"
"Just a package. It looked harmless."
"Okay. We'll just see how she is when she wakes up."
"That's it? That's all you're going to do?"
"I don't know what is wrong. I don't know what else to do."
Jay was sitting up when Piper and Martha stepped inside the bedroom. She had been starring down at the notebook in her hands but looked up when Piper spoke.
"You're going to get dehydrated." At Jay's confused look, she pointed at her face. "The waterworks."
"Huh?"
"Do you even know that you're crying?"
Jay reached up and touched her cheeks. She glanced down at the wetness on her fingertips before she furiously scrubbed her face with the heels of her hands.
"Anything you want to talk about?" asked Piper. She wasn't expecting the deeply searching gaze that was turned on her. She met Jay's eyes guilelessly. "Tell me."
Instead of answering, Jay handed her two sheets of paper. After Piper took them, she started turning the notebook around in her lap.
Piper read both letters twice before handing them to Martha. When she looked up, Jay was unknowingly crying again. "Jesus, Jay. I'm so sorry."
The bowed head nodded. Jay's knuckles whitened as she gripped the book.
"What's that?"
"Her diary."
"Oh." Piper touched Jay's knee. "Have you read it?"
"I can't." Holding the book to her chest, Jay started rocking. "I just can't."
"It's okay. Don't worry about that now." Martha stepped out of the room to fetch Susan. She hoped that her partner might have a suggestion on how to deal with the emotional maelstrom that Jay was feeling.
Susan sat with Jay for a while before her presence was noticed.
Jay asked, "What happened to Cheryl?"
Startled, Susan had to take a deep breath before she could reply. "There was no running water after the bombing. Each day, a water wagon would come by the neighborhood. We never knew when they would come. That day, Cheryl was alone in the house and she went down to get the water. On the way back up, she was mugged by some lazy bastards who wanted what she had."
"She didn't give it to them?"
"I don't know whether she fought or they were just trigger happy." Susan sighed. "We found her body in some weeds by the side of the road."
"How did you go on? Afterward, I mean."
"You just do. Other people were counting on me. I don't think I'll ever be over it."
"You don't talk about it."
"No, even after all this time, it's still too hard."
"Harmony was gone too long. I guess I sort of knew something had happened."
"I'm sorry, sweetie. Is there anything I can do?"
"I want to be alone for a while. Is that all right?"
"It's fine. I'll go and tell the others." Susan stood and headed for the door. Once there, she looked back over her shoulder. "You know I'm here for you, right?"
"Yeah. I know."
"Good." Susan went into the dining room and sat down with Martha and Piper. "We need to give her plenty of space. She needs to come to terms with this in her own time."
"That doesn't sound very helpful."
"Piper, your being snide isn't helpful either." Susan raked her fingers through her hair. "Look, we all had a sneaking suspicion that this news was coming. Jay's not naive. I know that she at least considered the thought a time or two. If we give her the room to grieve, she'll realize that she'd already moved to the acceptance stage long ago."
Martha sighed. "That makes sense."
"I just feel so helpless." Piper cracked her knuckles.
"Well, if you need something to do, we've got to find places to put all the stuff Josh brought back. Without Jay's guidance, we'll have to figure it out on our own."
"All right. I'll work with you."
"Good." Susan impulsively hugged Piper. "I know that it will be hard for you to watch her hurting. Just be available for when she comes around."
"I'll be here," vowed Piper. Her feelings for the grieving woman were stronger than ever. She had resigned herself to never let Jay know how she felt. Watching her in such pain made it incredibly difficult.
Susan added, "Don't pressure her. She won't react well to declarations of any kind right now."
"I know." Piper sighed gustily. "She'll either realize how I feel or not. I'll never do anything to force into anything."
"I didn't think you would. Piper, you're a fabulous woman. I hope that someday Jay can see what's in front of her face."
"Until then, I'm just happy being her friend." As Piper said the words, she took an oath to herself to be the best friend possible.
"Great. Now, where do you think we should put the dried fruit?"
The three women made their way to the basement, never knowing that Jay had been standing right beside the door and had heard every word.
Chapter Twenty-Two - Battle Hymn of the Republic
He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgment seat;
Oh, be swift, my soul, to answer Him! Be jubilant, my feet;
Words:
Julia W. Howe, 1861,
Music:
"John Brown's Body," 19th Century
"How do you think Eva is handling this?" Piper asked. She was walking with Jay around the mountain path.
Jay shrugged. "I haven't asked." She pulled at the hair on either side of her head. "If you hadn't noticed, my head's been up my ass for the past couple of weeks."
"With very good reason."
"I should have made more of an effort."
"To play nice with that witch? Doris never gave any of us a chance." Piper shook her head ruefully. "I've never made a pretense of caring for Martha's sister, even in the good old days."
"That why you kissed her?"
"God damn. If only I could answer that question."
"Try."
"I don't know what possessed me."
"No," Jay responded immediately. "That's way too easy. Put a little thought into your response next time."
Piper blew a raspberry. "It's true that she infuriated me from almost the first day we met. I really can't begin to explain what possessed me. Maybe it was the challenge to my dykehood."
"Challenge? She was a 'phobe."
"I know. I guess I figured that she shouldn't knock it until she tried it."
"Getting laid is not the answer for everything."
"Maybe. It always worked for me in the past."
"The times, they are a'changing."
"I wish that there was some deep, dark reason behind my actions." Piper kicked at a loose stone. "I think back on that afternoon with almost horrified fascination."
"Wasn't it enough to stop you?"
"No and I'm not sure if that was part of it. I mean, she was married, right? They had a kid, so some sort of intimacy must have taking place at some point. I don't know, maybe I wanted to see if there were any hidden layers that we just hadn't seen yet."
"Still waters run deep but stagnant ponds just stink."
Piper grinned at her. "You're biased."
"I freely admit that I don't like her."
The two women walked in comfortable silence for a while. Finally, Jay clears her throat. "So, was she a good kisser?"
Piper looked over at her in astonishment. "Why would you ask that?"
"No reason."
"Now it's your turn to have to think a little harder on your answer."
They walked for about a mile before Jay spoke. Piper had almost forgotten the topic when the dark woman cleared her throat.
"Sometimes, mainly at night I've thought about kissing someone. As the time passes, I find it harder and harder to accurately remember exactly what Harmony looked like." She sighed. "It's been so long."
Piper watched her feet walking down the road. "She wasn't good." Laughing bitterly, she said, "While some of that might have been from surprise, I think she was pretty much a cold fish."
"That's a sad epitaph."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Jay glanced over at her. "Have you ever thought about kissing me?"
Piper walked silently, debating with herself. Finally, gusting out a breath, she nodded. "Yeah. I've thought about it."
"And?"
Turning toward the smaller woman, Piper took her by the upper arms and proceeded to kiss her senseless.
"What are you doing to me?" Jay eventually gasped.
"If you have to ask, I must not be doing it right."
The two women leaned against one another. They relished the contact as they felt the frantic beat of their hearts slow down to more normal rhythm,
When she can trust her voice again, Jay whispered, "I don't think that I'm ready for this." Jay rested her forehead on Piper's shoulder.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's my own fault."
"What is?"
"I wanted to see what kissing you would be like."
"And?" Piper asked.
"You taste good." Reaching up, Jay drew her finger along Piper's jaw. "Doris was an idiot."
"Thanks, I think."
"I'll be more plain. You're a good kisser."
"I'm glad all that practice has finally paid off."
"Brat." Jay swatted her shoulder. "You don't take compliments well."
Piper lowered her head and lightly kissed the slightly swollen lips. "I haven't had much practice."
"I find that hard to believe."
With her tongue and lips, Piper encouraged Jay to open up to her. When she broke the kiss, they were both panting. "Believe it."
Jay pulled back. "What are we talking about? How many women have you been involved with?"
"One."
"Really?"
"Is that okay?"
"Piper, that's perfectly fine."
"Then, what's wrong?"
"I'm just surprised. You're such an attractive and desirable woman that I would have thought that you would have had legions throwing themselves at you."
Piper blushed and looked down. "I couldn't."
"Tell me."
"I, uh, wanted Grande Passiòn."
"Really?"
"I was looking for love. I wanted to find the love of my life."
"How romantic."
"I mean, I had my work and my friends. It's not like I knew I was lonely or anything."
"No. You don't strike me as the sort to pine away for what you don't have."
"I knew it was out there. I just had to be open for the opportunity."
"So, did you give up?"
"What do you mean?"
Jay tugged on her ear. "You think you've found that with me?"
"Not to pressure you or anything but I've been drawn to you since you arrogantly turned your back to us when we drew on you."
"I didn't really have a choice there. My bow was no match for your shotguns."
"But, that's the point." Piper tugged Jay over to a fallen log and pulled her down beside her. "Even when you face impossible odds, you've got a presence. We were close to panicking and killing you out of hand. You walked over to the table like you were bullet proof and we stopped and listened to you."
"You didn't want to kill me."
"But we were scared and anything could have happened." She squeezed the hands she clutched in her own. "You're like a breath of fresh air. Your very being brings order to chaos."
"You'll turn my head with that talk."
"I can only hope."
Jay shook her head. "I meant what I said before. I don't think I'm ready. Losing Harmony is a fresh wound."
"I wouldn't want you to be less than the person who she loved and who loved her back."
"Thank you." Jay jumped up started walking again. After a few steps, she reached out and clutched Piper's hand tightly in her own. Without a word, she continued to walk.
After a while, Jay cleared her throat and asked, "Will you wait for me?"
"Forever. My life makes sense with you in it."
The two women walked companionly down the road. Piper could not help the smile on her face. She glanced up to see the position of the sun and asked, "Are we heading anywhere in particular?"
"Yeah. There's just something I need to do. Well, not really need. I want to do it and I don't think you will mind doing it either. I mean, I …"
"Take a breath, Jay." Piper looked curiously at the other woman. "I've never seen you go into babble mode before."
"Sorry."
"Don't be. It's kind of cute."
Jay blushed. She began walking faster, as if she could outrun the rush of blood to her face.
"So, where are we going?"
"Over this hill. It used to be the site of a meditation center." Jay led her around the skeletal remains of the building.
"Creepy," whispered Piper as she looked up at the twin chimneys standing by themselves on either side of the burned out building. "Tell me more about this place," she demanded.
"I don't really know that much about it. I only came out here a couple of times." Jay led the way across the overgrown lawn and down a small rise. She smiled when she saw the design of paving stones nestling in the hollow.
"What is that?"
"It's a labyrinth."
"That doesn't really mean anything to me."
"A labyrinth is an ancient way to find peace."
"It looks like a maze."
"They share some similarities. A maze has twists and turns and is a puzzle to be figured out. You must search to find the center and then to escape again. A labyrinth has only one path. The way in is the way out."