In the Rearview (22 page)

When you first saw me

Did you think of the future

Did you want to see me again

Did you dream of me

And hope to see my smile

One more time

Because when I first saw you

The thoughts that flitted through my mind

Were not ideas of parties

Choices made today

Or tomorrow

But instead the visions tip-toeing their way in

Were of gray hairs

Aged and holding hands

Fighting over little things

Sunsets in the fall

Snow covered trees

And memories

Built up

For as long as we both shall live

I promise

To stay bitter

As long as we both shall live

I promise

To regret loving you

Wish I had never met you

Push the memories back

As long as we both shall live

I promise

To move on

As quickly as I possibly can

I promise

To find a new love

Someone who deserves

What I have to offer

I promise

To never miss you again

As long as we both shall live

Your permanent grace

And silent sadness

Sparkles through every

Wave of the wind

Exuding strength

Elegant beauty

Caring and peaceful

You smile so sweetly

Happy to embrace

Hold me tight

Sway with me

Weeping willow

Be the keeper of

My secrets

The focus of

My attention

Changing perspectives

Making headway

Choosing to live life

Not dwell in the past

Hold onto what I have

Remember how lucky I was

How lucky I am

How lucky I will be

The future is uncharted water

And if I'm not mistaken

Karma owes me a lot right now

I'm moving on

I'm getting happy

Loving what could be

In my life

I only want

The best

The most loving

Friends

The most supportive

Family

The best that life

Has to offer me

I am wiping away

The unnecessary

Eliminating

What I can

That is painful

Trying to make

Everything

The best that I can

Uncomfortable in my own skin

Never sure of what will happen

Hoping against hope

Wishing for a change

Unsure of who I am

Unsure of who I was

Unsure of who I will become

Step into my own

Make some sort of life

Knowing what I want

But unsure of when

Or how

I will ever get it

Unsure of so many things

Awkward

And uncomfortable

Unsure of you

Unsure of me

 

Meagan swiveled her head slowly, but she didn't recognize any of her surroundings. Nothing was familiar, yet for some reason she wasn't scared or disoriented. She was sitting on the ground with her legs crossed and carpet beneath her. She was inside, but there were no windows. No clues indicated what type of building surrounded her.

Just as she began to question how she had gotten here, a piercing shriek filled the air. She had never heard anything so loud in her life. Her hands shot to her ears for protection until the horrible sound stopped.

But when it finally did moments later, something else began. The air around Meagan that had just been vibrating with noise now started to close in around her. It blackened and became thick somehow.

She tried to hold her breath but only could for so long. Her lungs quickly succumbed to the pressure. Then she was sucking in the numbness that came with the sticky mess, and it filled her. It ate through her system until it was a part of her. It washed away her worries and realized her every muscle.

Nothing mattered anymore. Even breathing felt useless.

That's when her neck refused to hold her head up any longer, and her chin drooped to her chest. But her eyes refused to close, even when she tried. So she moved to her still hands in her lap.

Something was different. Something was wrong.

She had never seen these fresh marks before. There were dozens of scars crossing her skin that weren't there yesterday. Actually, fresh scars hadn't appeared in many years. But now new cuts littered the tender parts she was so used to keeping hidden. When had she done this? When had her years of refraining ended?

That was probably something she should remember. Right?

Odder still, she felt nothing when looking at the battlefield where her depression was fought recently. The scars evoked no reaction. No pain, no remorse, not even an urge came forward.

How refreshing.

Meagan didn't know if it was the numbing fog she had inhaled that made her emotionless or if she had just moved on to this point. But either way, it was nice not to break down from the sight. It was nice to simply feel normal for once.

****

Meagan blinked the sleep from her eyes after jolting awake.

It had been a dream.

But she checked her arms just to be sure, and she was flooded with relief when there were no new cuts there. It hadn't been real.

Meagan realized she felt kindred with her dream-self. It wasn't the scars that drew her to the odd little story told by her unconscious. It was the detachment. And that detachment was thrilling.

We tell ourselves

Stories

Little tales about

What is to come

What has passed

And what possibly could be

But that's all they are

Just fantasies

Possibilities

Nothing set in stone

We delude ourselves

Into believing

These sometimes outlandish

Whims

Of our overactive

Unconscious

I can't stop running

What I'm moving toward

Is just around the corner

Just down the way

Always out of reach

Every step I take

It moves away

The same amount

I might as well

Be running in place

You remind me

Every day

Why I stick with you

You make me

Want to be better

I hope

I do

The same

For you

You are always

Telling me

How wonderful I am

And making my world

A better place

If you ever

Choose to go

Will you

Please

Just do one thing

Make sure

That I

Still strive

To be

Worthy of

Someone like you

Big round eyes

Fill my vision

They never blink

Never look away

They pierce

Into my soul

Look out world

Here I come

With a bounce in my step

And a song in my heart

Nothing can bring me down

I've faced the beast

And I've come out alive

With only scratches on my back

The water

Is warm

As it sways

Around my skin

It soaks me up

And pulls me in

Surrounds my

Heart

To heal it

And nothing

Will ever

Be quite the same

Again

But that isn't to say

The new

Can't be better

 

Dear Diary,

I just woke up. It's three thirty-five in the morning, but I need to get these ideas down while they are still fresh. Or else I will forget by morning. Forgive me if it's sloppy.

I had this weird dream about cutting.

That's never happened. I have no idea if that's normal for a person who deals or has dealt with self-harm, but in my memory I haven't ever had any dream about it before.

Never.

So this is a new experience. And I think it's interesting the first dr
eam I have ever had about it comes without fear. In my dream I had fresh cuts. I didn't dream about the act of cutting because they were already there. That strikes me as significant too. I have been
sober
for so long I think I've started to forget what it was like, what the act actually felt like.

Actually that's amazing. I'll never totally let it go or completely forget, unless I develop amnesia, but it doesn't haunt me like it used to. I feel free from the weight of specific and vivid memories.

Anyway in my dream when I saw these cuts, when I noticed them, I didn't freak out. There was no crying, so screaming in terror, nothing. I just observed. It was wonderful not to be afraid of the past or be thrown into worry about relapse.

It definitely was a unique dream.

And it has me thinking. I wonder what these details mean. Are they special? Should I be analyzing everything and coming up with some brilliant conclusion?

I have no idea. But if I had to guess, I think it signifies healing.

I don't know the schools of thought on this, but I believe there is no end to the process of healing. And maybe my dream and the indifference in it, signifies my reaching a new level of growth.

Even if that's wrong it's a fantastic thought.

There is a new scent in the air

There has been a shift in the breeze

Something is different

I can sense it

I can feel it

I can almost see it

The tide has changed

A new morning has dawned

Everything is new

And different

I feel better

I am happier

And opportunities are all around

You laugh

I cry

You smile

I run

We are never

Together

Not ever

On the same page

I don't understand you

I have no idea

What you

Are thinking

And I believe

You intend

For it to be

That way

I have known you

Forever

But that will never

Make you

Any less

Confusing

Do you enjoy

Hurting your friend

Crushing everyone's

Feelings

Why did your

Heart harden

Why do you enjoy

The nasty things

You say

And do

I will never

Understand you

All you leave me with

Is bitter

Confusion