In Too Deep (9 page)

He didn’t know whether he fell asleep or passed out. But when he came to, he became aware that that music had changed to something old, something from his father’s generation, even before. Something that invoked the feel of the beach and the surf. The music teased his consciousness as his sluggish brain tried to identify it. It was the Beach Boys and a song called ‘Good Vibrations’. He’d heard it so long ago on one of his father’s CDs back when he was a boy. He opened his eyes to say something to Gina but found that she wasn’t next to him. Then he remembered that she had gone somewhere else in the house, promising that she wouldn’t be long.

He sat up and rubbed his face, trying to rid himself of the lethargy. He looked around the room carefully, but he couldn’t see Gina. A stranger sat beside him, kissing a girl.

“Hey,” he asked the person next to him, elbowing him in the back. “Have you seen Gina?”

“Who’s Gina?” the man asked, looking at him angrily.

“Um … long blonde hair, blue eyes, pixie face,” Josh said, unsure now in the face of the man’s anger.

“Doesn’t she hang out with Bevan?” he asked.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“They went that way,” the man said, pointing down the passage towards the front door.

“They went together?” he asked. “Bevan and Gina?”

“Bevan and a chick with long blonde hair, just like you said. Now piss off, I’m busy here.” He resumed kissing the girl and his hand went to her breast.

Josh stood up and the room spun around him. He reached for the wall to steady himself and waited for the room to stop spinning. Sound came to him in waves, the music changed now from the Beach Boys to something slow. He hung his head and closed his eyes, waiting for equilibrium to return.

When he thought he could, he moved off, although he still held onto the wall for support, moving out of the room and into the passage. He couldn’t move fast, his feet felt like they were encased in stone and his neck muscles couldn’t hold up his head. How much beer had he drunk? His fingers reached the jutting edge of a doorjamb. The door was closed. As he moved his hand over it he heard Gina giggle. He stopped, trying to locate the source of the sound. Again he heard her giggle, muffled, coming from the other side of the door. He listened again. Had he imagined it? Was it coming from this room?

“Bevan – no.”

It was clearly her voice coming from behind the closed door.

He struggled to turn the handle, his hands uncoordinated but finally the door swung open. Bevan and Gina were in the bedroom and he was taking her top off. She wasn’t wearing a bra.

“Take your hands off her,” Josh cried as he came into the room. He reached out to push Bevan aside but missed him, falling against him instead. Bevan released Gina and pushed Josh away. Gina backed towards the bed with a smile on her face as she pulled her top back down.

“Don’t touch her, she’s my girlfriend,” Josh cried. Bevan was between him and Gina and he couldn’t reach her. He wanted to get her out of the room, out of the house.

“You think she’s yours, do you?” Bevan said, squaring up to him.

Gina stood behind Bevan, looking at Josh and giggling.

“She loves me,” Josh said.

“She told you that did she?” Bevan’s upper lip curled in disdain. “She’s just using you, and you’re too dumb to see it.”

“No, she wouldn’t do that.” Josh shook his head, but decided not to do that again as the room lurched.

“Yes, she would. We had a fight, see, and she wanted to get back at me so she goes after you. She knew it would make me mad. But she’s had her fun and it’s time for it to stop.”

Josh again tried to push past Bevan, but he was blocked. Bevan shoved him back towards the door. “Now leave us alone and get out of here.”

“She’s coming with me,” Josh said as he jostled with Bevan to get to Gina.

“Listen, dickhead,” Bevan said, pushing him back. “Get it into your head. She doesn’t love you.”

“It’s not true!” Josh shouted, and hit him. It was a solid blow to the jaw, all his fury in one single blow, and Bevan reeled away. Josh tried to reach for Gina, but Bevan recovered quickly and punched Josh in the side of his head. Josh staggered backwards from the blow and collided with the wall. Bevan followed him and hit him hard on the chin. His mouth snapped shut and he tasted blood. Josh attempted to hit back, but Bevan was more experienced at fighting and he wasn’t as drunk.

“What’s going on?” a voice asked as a figure appeared in the doorway. Josh looked up and recognised Rhys.

Bevan stepped away from Josh as Rhys came into the room and said, “This guy hit me.”

Josh took his chance and swung another blow at Bevan, but it didn’t connect. Rhys grabbed Josh’s outstretched hand and twisted it behind his back. Josh yelped as pain shot through his shoulder and his knees buckled.

“Stand up,” Rhys demanded as he pulled at Josh’s other arm.

Josh rose unsteadily and Rhys pushed him through the bedroom door.

“Bye-bye, Joshie,” Gina said from the bedroom and giggled.

The pressure on Josh’s twisted arm didn’t let up, and he struggled to keep upright as he was propelled down the passage towards the open front door. When they reached the open doorway, Rhys gave him a shove forward as he released his arm. Josh staggered forward, fell down the steps onto the sandy lawn and landed on his face on the ground. He pushed himself up, spitting sand from his mouth, and saw Bevan standing next to him. A crowd had gathered. Someone was holding up a mobile phone.

“Stay away from Gina,” Bevan warned him. “I see you with her again and I’ll beat you so bad you won’t ever look pretty. Got that!”

He didn’t see the kick coming. It caught him in the stomach and he curled up before vomiting onto the grass. Bevan laughed and someone in the crowd said, ”Bro, that was wicked, let’s load it onto YouTube.”

Bevan followed the rest of the crowd back in the bach, the door closed and Josh was left alone in the dark.

Josh lay where he’d fallen, spitting blood until a couple came down the steps and walked out on to the road. They didn’t see him in the dark shadows of the house and he waited until they’d gone before he pushed himself up, using the side of the house as support, and moved around the corner of the house. He reached the empty deck and tried to look inside the house, but all the lights were off in the large room and he could only see shadows. The music was low and the sliding doors were closed.

He left the house behind him, only just managing to stay upright as he walked through the dunes and onto the beach beyond, walking down to the water’s edge. Small ripples of water washed over his feet, filling his shoes but he didn’t care. The moon was behind him, having just come over the Waitakere Ranges, and its dull light lit up the phosphorous on the waves as they ran up the sand. He looked beyond to where the waves were breaking. The swell was building up and pushing up the waves.

There was an ache in his chest. It was the same feeling he’d had when he was at his grandmother’s house on Christmas Day. In the clear moonlight, with the cold water at his feet, he recognised the ache in his heart as despair. Gina had betrayed him, Bevan had beaten him, his father had robbed him of his future and his mother had abandoned him. Even now there was probably a YouTube video of his humiliation being posted on the internet for the whole world to see. There was nothing left to live for.

The waves soaked the bottom of his jeans. He stepped forward, going deeper into the water. The waves pulled him in further as the denim of his jeans became sodden and heavy. He’d heard that drowning was a painless way to die. He waded in further and the water came up to his knees. He wondered how long it would be before his body washed onto to shore, if ever. Perhaps then Gina would regret what she had done to him and maybe even Bevan would feel guilty.

He shivered. The water was cold and his sodden jeans were becoming heavy. Not much further now and the water would be up to his hips. Somewhere in the darkness there would be a rip and if he found it then the water could take him. All he had to do was close his eyes and let himself be carried away.

A wave broke against him, the water now up to his waist. He turned his back to the waves to take a last look at Piha. When the sea came to take him, he didn’t want to see it coming. He wanted his last vision to be of the place that he loved so much.

Almost all the lights were out in the houses up on the hill. The ranges were a shadow against the deep blue of the sky, the light of the moon silvering the edge of the hills. To his right was Lion Rock, guarding the beach as it would for many years after he was gone.

Another wave surged around him. He could feel the tug at his feet as the water rolled back. All he had to do was lift his legs and the sea would carry him away.

He stopped. The sensations of his recurrent dream overwhelmed him: the wave pushing him down, the water in his nose and mouth, not being able to breathe, the panic and the fear. He couldn’t do it. He had to get out of the water.

He pulled against the force of the waves. It was harder now that he wasn’t going with the water. He stumbled and the sea grabbed at his ankles, pulling him down under the waves, but he pushed himself up and came out above water level. The sea retreated behind him, rushing out to join the next incoming wave, which surged forward and broke around him. It tried to push him down towards the sand, but he maintained his balance and pushed his way through. The sea made one last attempt as he staggered out, but the water was too shallow and he fell forward onto the wet sand. A small wave embraced him from head to foot, then ran out, leaving him cold and wet on the sand.

He turned over and sat up, looking back at the sea. “Not today,” he whispered to the foaming waves.

There was a strong wind blowing off the sea and he started to shiver. He had to get home and change into dry clothes before the cold air did what the sea had been unable to do. When he stood up the wind cut right through his clothes as though he were naked and chilled him instantly. He began to walk, staggering across the sand, his feet squelching in his sodden shoes. He turned away from the sea and headed towards the dunes, but had difficulty climbing them. The sand gave way under his feet and for every two steps he slipped back one. He would have cursed, but his teeth were clamped together. If he released them, his jaw would start to chatter uncontrollably. It wasn’t much better on the road. There was a less wind, but the tarmac had lost the heat from the day and was just as cold as the sand.

With a sigh of relief that started off a bout of chattering teeth, he turned into his driveway. The house was in darkness. He staggered up the steps and collapsed at the front door. He’d made it so far and now his strength ebbed away. He reached up to turn the front door handle, but it wouldn’t turn. It was locked. He began to shake the door, crying out to be let in. When no one came he slumped against the door as tears pricked at his eyes. He just wanted to go to bed.

A light snapped on inside. A key turned in the lock. The door swung inwards and he fell inside. He felt no pain from the fall. He glanced up at his father who looked down on him in astonishment.

“Josh, where the hell have you been?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Do you know what time it is?”

Josh couldn’t answer. He rolled over onto his hands and knees and crawled the rest of the way inside.

His father closed the door and knelt beside him, then turned his head away, wrinkling up his nose in disgust. “You stink,” he said. “You’ve been drinking? I told you not to go to that party. How did you get so wet?”

“Went for … a swim,” Josh stuttered.

“In your clothes? Are you mad? Come on, let’s get you to bed. It’s three o’clock in the morning. I’ve been lying here awake waiting for you. You really know how to test my patience. Come on, get up. Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.”

His father helped him to his feet and then supported him as they made their way to Josh’s bedroom. There he sat Josh at the edge of his bed and pried off his shoes and then began to undo the buttons on Josh’s shirt.

Josh brushed his father’s hands away. “I’ll do … it.” He wondered why his mouth wouldn’t work.

His father took hold of Josh’s hand and held it in front of his face so that he could look at it. The fingers were all blue.

“You think you can do it with these?” he asked. “Your lips are the same colour. Why’d you get into the water at this time of night? You could have drowned. If I don’t get you out of these cold clothes, you’ll get hypothermia.”

He was being rough now as he jerked the shirt off Josh’s arms. Josh could tell he was angry, but he was comforted by the fact that his father was taking care of him. His heavy eyelids began to close as his father was struggling to pull off the sodden jeans.

“Hey, Josh, don’t go to sleep on me just yet,” his father said, shaking him as he tugged at the jeans that were gathered at his ankles.

Josh smiled sleepily. His head sunk onto the pillow and his father pulled the covers over him. He was home. He could sleep.

From a distance he heard his father say, “We’ll talk in the morning,” then he was gone, lost in the darkness that engulfed him.

Josh woke with a pounding headache and a dry mouth. His body ached and he moved around to try to relieve the stiffness in his limbs. He was aware of the ache in his side and remembered that Bevan had kicked him there. There was something in the bed with him and he reached down and pulled out a hot water bottle. There was another lying on his other side. His father must have put them there after he had fallen asleep. He was naked under the sheets and dimly remembered his father undressing him. He pushed the covers back and slowly sat up. The pounding in his head increased. He sat on the edge of the bed, lowered his head into his hands and groaned.

The door opened and Josh quickly pulled over the sheet to cover himself.

“Welcome to the morning after,” his father said as he came into the room.

“Go away,” Josh mumbled.

“You might as well get up and get dressed. A shower might be a good idea. I’ve rinsed out your clothes from last night but I think you need to get some water on you too. And no sea water this time.”

“Then get out so that I can get dressed,” Josh protested.

“Why so shy, Josh? You didn’t complain last night. I’m your father, remember. I used to change your nappies.”

“I’ve grown up now, or haven’t you noticed?”

“No, Josh, I haven’t noticed. You’re acting like a two-year-old.” He strode over to the chest of drawers as he spoke and opened a drawer. “Here,” he said, pulling out a pair of boxer shorts. “Put these on. When you’ve had your shower, I’ll make you a cup of coffee.”

Josh grunted an acknowledgement as he took the boxers from his father’s hand. After his father left, he slipped on the boxers then rummaged around for a shirt and shorts to take to the bathroom. Once there, he put the shower on ‘hot’ and relaxed as the warm water washed off the reminders of the previous night. A bruise just below the right side of his ribcage was evidence of Bevan’s kick. He wondered if his father had seen it. When he looked in the mirror after he’d dried himself off, he could see a red mark on his chin where Bevan had punched him and his tongue explored the cut on the inside of his mouth.

After dressing, he left the steamy bathroom and went into the lounge. His father was in the kitchen and the kettle had boiled. Josh sat down at the dining table and held his head in his hands.

“Not much fun, is it?” his father said, as he spooned coffee granules into a cup.

“Don’t give me a lecture, Dad. Not now.”

“I don’t think I need to. The morning after is punishment enough.” He opened up the fridge door. “We’re out of milk. I’ll have to go to the store and get a bottle. You wait here. I won’t be long.”

Josh was about to tell his father to forget it when the phone rang.

His father answered. “Yes, that’s fine,” he said after a few seconds. He looked down at his watch. “In the next half hour? Well, I suppose that’s alright. Yes, I’ll be here. See you later.”

He put down the phone and looked at Josh.

“The real estate agent is bringing someone through the bach in half an hour.”

“Great,” Josh muttered.

“I won’t be able to get the milk. Can you go and get me a litre from the store, Josh?”

Josh was about to tell his father to get lost, then remembered that someone was going to be invading his house. He’d prefer not to be around when they came through.

“Yeah, sure,” he said, getting up from the table. “A walk will do me good,” he lied.

His father fished his wallet out of his back pocket and handed over a ten dollar note.

“Get some bread, as well. And the Herald, if they have it.”

Josh took the money and slipped on his jandals by the front door. The bright light stabbed at his eyes so he went back inside for his sunglasses then headed down the drive.

“Hey,” Hayden said as he fell into step beside Josh. “Where you going?”

“To the store – for milk.”

“Going surfing today?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Feeling sick.”

“You don’t look well.”

“Why are you so interested anyway? You don’t have to come with me. I can find the store by myself.”

“I just thought that I’d walk with you.”

“Then don’t talk, okay!”

Hayden shrugged and continued to walk alongside him in silence. After his initial resentment had subsided, Josh found he didn’t mind Hayden’s company. He felt rejected after the events of last night and Hayden’s presence convinced him that someone still wanted to be with him.

Hayden spoilt it by starting to talk again just as they reached the bend in the road at the Lion’s tail.

“Doing anything with Gina today?” he asked.

“No, she left me,” Josh said.

“Oh,” Hayden said. “I thought she was really keen on you.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

They walked for a few seconds in silence. Then Josh realised that he wanted to talk to someone, tell someone about the hurt that he was feeling. Perhaps Hayden wasn’t a good choice, but there was no one else around.

“She left me for Bevan,” he said. “I went to a party last night. I drank too much. I think I passed out. When I tried to find Gina, she was in a bedroom with Bevan. He was trying to undress her.”

“What did you do?”

“Went in there to smash him up but his big brother came in and threw me out. I walked home.”

“I could see she was no good,” Hayden said.

Josh looked at Hayden, perplexed.

“What are you saying?” Josh stopped walking and faced Hayden. They were almost at the shop now - it was just across the road.

“She was trying to prove something.”

“Prove what?” Josh asked.

“That she could get any one of the surfers on the beach. She decided to get you and she succeeded. She did it because she could. Did it to get back at Bevan.”

Josh looked at him, annoyed. What Hayden said was true. Just then a car went past them which Josh recognised as belonging to the real estate agent. A family was inside it and he knew where they were going. He stepped into the road and raised his middle finger at it but it carried on down the road and turned the corner, the occupants oblivious to his gesture.

“Bastards,” he said as he lowered his arm.

“Get off the road,” Hayden said, as he grabbed his arm.

“Don’t touch me!” Josh tugged his arm away.

“Look out!” Hayden yelled as he tried to pull Josh off the road.

Only then did Josh hear the car coming up behind him. The brakes squealed as it bore down on him. He turned and could see the driver’s eyes wide in shock as the car skidded forward. The brakes had locked. Josh realised it was going to hit him and it was going to hit him hard. In the few seconds before the impact Josh knew with absolute certainty that he didn’t want to die