Indisputable (25 page)

“Well, lucky for him he died, so he doesn’t have to
live with the guilt.  I do.  At least I can honor her life by
carrying around the weight of her death.”

“If she loved you as much as it sounds, she wouldn’t
want that for you.  I know I wouldn’t.  She’d want you to move on and
live your life.  The best way to honor her is to go on living,
Jacoby.  Not carry around your guilt like a burden.”

I appreciate her thinking so highly of me, but the
guilt is mine to carry around until I learn not to.  Maybe someday I’ll
reach that point, but today is not that day.   I grasp one of her
wrists, and pulling the black band back, I press her soft flesh to my mouth in a
tender kiss.  Her breathing stalls and gasps before picking up twice as
fast.  It’s time to change the subject. 

“I understand these.  Maybe not the exact reason
you do it, but I relate to the urge.  And it fucking kills me to know you
had a pain strong enough the only way to feel was to hurt yourself.”

“I take that to mean it’s my turn?” She asks, shifting
restlessly against me.  This time there is trepidation in her tone.  I
pull her down beside me and settle us both on our backs.

“I want you to say as much or as little as you need
to.  We’ve talked about your mom and your past before, so I think I can
understand where you were coming from.  When I first saw the marks, I was
surprised, and I acted out of fear.  But I was never angry at you for what
you were doing.  I was afraid.  The only thing I care about now is
how to help you stop.  I’ll do whatever it takes.  Just tell me what
I need to do because I can’t lose you, too.  I can’t.”

Life is messy and unpredictable.  It doesn’t
deliver you a neatly wrapped package.  Life hands out lessons that are
hard to understand, difficult to endure, and many times downright tragic. 
It’s our job to take those lessons and turn them into a gift.  If I’ve
learned anything the last several weeks, it’s that there is always a
gift.  You just have to be willing to open your eyes and see it.  It
wasn’t until Tatum came into my life that I figured out my gift.

Losing Harper was the hardest thing I have ever
experienced.  She taught me how to grow and love, how to accept myself and
what those around me had to offer.  She showed me a simple side to love
and life, and I’ll be forever grateful.

Though, as much as it pains me to say, if I hadn’t
lost Harper I wouldn’t have Tatum. 

Where Harper was simple and sweet, Tatum is a shooting
star of fire and determination.  She’s sassy and sharp, and she keeps me
on my toes.  She came barreling into my life in a ball of fire but just as
quickly disappeared beyond the horizon.  It wasn’t until she was gone that
I realized I’ve been living in the dark.  I wanted the brightness
back. 

I’m ready to fight with my life to get it.

“I meant what I said at the hotel,” Tatum replies,
answering my request.  “I can’t do it anymore.  Not just mentally,
like I know it’s bad for me.  I mean, I tried to do it, and for the first
time in four years, I was afraid of the pain.  And I was ashamed of what
you’d think.”

“You don’t have to be afraid of what I think. 
I’ll never think badly of you.  But I want to understand.  Can you
explain it to me?”

Tatum lets out a slow, heavy breath.  “It’s like,
a desperation.  You know about what happened last year with my mom. 
What I haven’t told you was that she’s been like that my entire life.  Our
house had a revolving door of drugs and men, and ever since I was a little
girl, I’ve always felt so helpless.  So out of control.  I didn’t
have any friends.  I had no one to talk to, and I was all alone.  I
think, well I know, hurting myself was my way of regaining that control. 
I kept it a secret and that excited me.  It made me feel like I had
something nobody else knew about, and it was mine.  It was something that
couldn’t be taken away from me.” 

We stare at one another, and my heart breaks for the
pain this girl in front of me has been putting herself through, both physically
and mentally. 

“I don’t do it because I want to die,” she whispers.

“Do you think it’s less serious because of that?”

Tatum looks thoughtful, staring off over my shoulder
while she contemplates her answer.  “Actually, no.  I think it’s just
as serious.  Usually, I try to be so careful, but I’ve had a couple slip
ups when I was just so damn angry, and I’d cut too deep.  It would scare
the hell out of me, but I still couldn’t stop.  I think I’ve been secretly
waiting for someone to notice all along.  I want to stop, Jacoby.  I
really do.”

“You’re not going to hurt yourself anymore?  You
give me your word?”

Her eyes dart away from mine and back over my
shoulder.  She sighs.  “I know it’s not going to be easy.  Over
the last two weeks I’ve still had the urge, but nothing ever came from
it.  It’s a habit.  A bad one, like smoking or something.  I
might slip up.  I can’t promise I won’t, but I’m trying.”

I roll onto my side and over the top of Tatum, bracing
myself on my forearms as to not crush her.  Dropping my mouth to hers, I
slant my lips and kiss her, slowly and deeply. 

“That’s all I ask, Sweetheart.  We’re in this
together.  Maybe we should set you up to talk to someone?”

She doesn’t break eye contact while she nods her
head.  I cup her cheek affectionately.  My brave girl.  “I was
thinking that, too.”

I kiss her once more before sitting up and pulling her
with me.  “Oh, one more thing before we move on from this mess.  Can I ask
what you were doing at the gym today?” 

I hate sounding like a jealous boyfriend.  I trust
Trey with my life, and I trust Tatum, too.  We may have had some problems to
work out, but that doesn’t mean I don’t trust her.  But seeing her this morning
has been nagging at me all day.  What was so important she had to talk to Trey
but not me?”

Tatum scooches towards the edge of the bed, dropping
one leg to the floor while sliding the other beneath her.  She bites her
cuticle on her thumb.  Is she nervous?  My stomach plummets.

“Let me preface this by saying if I knew we’d end up
here tonight, I would have waited to ask you.  But I thought we still weren’t
talking, and I needed answers so I went to Trey.  I’m sorry if that’s weird.”

I reach out and pull her hand away from her delectable
mouth.  She turns her palm upward, and I thread our fingers together.  “I
understand.  What did you need answers about?”

“I went by your house this morning,” she begins.

“You did?”  I must have already been at the gym. 

She nods slowly.  “And when I got there, this blonde
was just leaving.”

My body stiffens, and my hand convulses around hers. 
A blonde?  Melissa?  Oh, fuck.  “Sweetheart, I didn’t have anyone over this
morning,” I answer truthfully.  Fuck, I just got her back.  Please don’t let
her pull away.

“I know,” she replies, her hazel eyes moving back and
forth between mine.  She must see what she’s looking for, because she blows out
a breath before repeating, “I know.”

“Good.  But I’m not following.  Why did you go to
Trey?”

“She left a note.  It wasn’t signed.  I didn’t have a
clue who it was from, and she implied she was sleeping with you.  So I went to
Trey to see if it was true.  I figured he’s your best friend so he would know.”

“She left a note.  Did Trey tell you who it was from?”
I ask, because if he didn’t, I’m going to set this straight right the fuck
now.  She has to know I wasn’t sleeping around on her.  For the first time in
two years, it hadn’t even crossed my mind. 

“It’s okay, Jacoby.  I, well, I believed Trey, which
means I believe you.  You don’t have to explain what some crazy chick was doing
leaving notes in your front door,” she laughs, which makes me chuckle too.

“So what did you do with the note?” I ask between
laughs.  Tatum gives me the squinty eyes from hell, which causes me to laugh
harder.  “I’m sorry.  I had to ask!”

“I threw it the fuck away.  Why, you want to read
it?”  Her eyes are lit with fire, and I draw her to me and kiss the flames
away. 

“Hell no,” I whisper against her soft lips. 

 “That’s settled then.  Let’s go make some phone
calls before the clinic closes, and I’ll make us something to eat.”

A blinding smile graces her beautiful face, and my
heart beats wildly in my chest.  I’ll never tire of putting that smile
there.  That smile lights up the whole damn room.

“Sounds like a plan.” 

Together, we walk hand in hand down the stairs, and
the whole way down I can’t stop thinking that I’ve finally found my
gift.  

***

“Where are you taking me?”  Tatum asks from
beside me as we drive along the highway, chasing the horizon.  We’re
nearing dusk; as the sun floats below the end of the earth, the sky is painted
in hues of yellow, gold, and periwinkle.  My eyes are protected from the
waning rays with a pair of shades, and as I glance over at Tatum, her own eyes
are hidden but an eager smile lights up her face.  She’s as breathtaking
as the sunset before us.

“If I told you, it’d ruin the surprise.”

Today is Friday.  We’ve spent five magically
perfect days basking in the newness of our relationship.  Monday night we
laid our secrets to rest in the quiet privacy of my bedroom, and since then,
our pathway has been paved with happiness.  Since Monday night Tatum has
fallen asleep at night securely in my arms, and each morning after, I’ve made
love to her before we get ready for school.   

Her usual demeanor has been replaced with an ethereal
happiness.  As much as I miss her sarcasm, the look of love in her eyes
and the contentment of her smile is a hundred times better.  This Tatum
doesn’t have to hide her feelings behind her sharp remarks.  Instead, she
shares them with simple gestures.  A shy smile, a gentle brush of her hand
when we pass in the hall, a secretive sexy text message.  Over the past
week, she’s proven to me we’re in this together.  Now it’s my turn to
repay the contentment she’s brought to my life.

The pieces are smoothly falling into place.  Even
Wyatt has seemed to stop his ridiculous chase.  Tatum shared with me that
he still texts her a few times a week, declaring to get her back, but we both
know he has no chance.  She’s been staying at my place, and if I have my
way, she’ll be staying with me permanently. 

Somehow, I managed to convince her to leave her back
alley gun at her apartment, so she doesn’t accidently shoot the fucker if he
were to show up at my door.  Even though he’d deserve it, I don’t want to
have to visit her in prison.  I was enraged when she bought the thing, but
after spending two weeks without her, knowing he was still trying to get to
her, I can’t deny I’m glad she was protected.  But I’m back, and I’d lay down
my life to protect hers.  She doesn’t need it
anymore.    

“I hate surprises,” she grumbles.  The sound
brings another smile to my face. 

“Oh no.  You’ll love this one.  Trust me,” I
respond while slowing the car to turn left towards the last leg of our journey. 
We’ve been in the car nearly forty minutes, and I’m as antsy as she is to get
there.  Maybe even more so.  “And if you hate it, we can spend all
weekend in the hotel room.”

She whips around to face me, her gorgeous brown locks
spinning around her face.  “We’re going to a hotel?” 

I glance over at her to take in her expression. 
Shock and excitement are written all over her beautiful face, and the sight
makes my heart constrict.  If I could spend the rest of my life putting
that look on her face, it wouldn’t be enough. 

I nod.  “Yup.  A small hotel, so don’t get
your hopes up too much.  It isn’t a five star resort.  But that’s not
even your surprise.” 

My car races down the highway, trees whipping past in
a multitude of green shades as I press the pedal a little bit harder than
necessary.  Her excitement ratchets my own, and I’m eager to get us there.

“There’s more?” she breathes so softly, I
chuckle.  My hand finds her jean covered knee, and I squeeze.  She
wraps both of her soft, delicate hands around mine and sighs. 

“I’ve already revealed too much.  You’ll just
have to wait and see.”

“Whatever,” she grumbles again, but leans her head
against the headrest with her face turned towards the sun.  She doesn’t
release my hand.  Her eyes are covered, but I think they’re closed judging
by the relaxation written all over her face. 

Contentment washes over me as the car eats up the
final miles towards our weekend destination.  The point of this trip was
to be alone.  To be free.  In town, we’re surrounded by locals so
we’ve had to be careful.  I’m still her teacher for a few more weeks, and
until she finishes the semester, we aren’t safe.  My heart longs for my
girl, longs to be able to show her how I feel, to take her on a date.  I
want to dance with her in the middle of Main Street and kiss her for the world
to see.  I want to claim her and shout to the universe she’s mine. 
But I can’t.  Until December.

So this is my compromise.  This is our
date.  An entire weekend away to be us, to be free, without the judgmental
eyes of our peers.  Without the fear of discovery or spending all our time
locked behind the quiet door of my home.  As much as I love taking her in
my bed, there’s more to be discovered in our relationship.  As much as I
love her body, I want her mind, and I crave her heart.  Until she
graduates, this is all I have to offer.